In honor of the recent Valentine’s Day, and the fact that I woke up at 5:30 am today... here is something I wrote for my therapy group about romantic relationships. Basically I’ve been having constant ocd and anxiety about relationships so it was suggested that I write about what it means to be “good” at relationships:
I’ve always thought people that are good at relationships are able to keep them going for a long time and I am not good at that. Good relationship people have lots of long term monogamous relationships. At my core or probably more my big fear is that people always leave me. I feel like there’s something about me and the way that I am that scares them away. If they’re not scared then I wonder what’s wrong with them.
I think people that are good at relationships are good at communicating. They’re good at accepting and giving love to other people (or their partner, more specifically). They are good at being vulnerable. They’re open and willing to risk rejection. They put themselves out there and can accept if it doesn’t work out. They’re honest. I think a good relationship is rooted in honesty and trust. And openness.
I think or I thought I was never good at relationships because I couldn’t be vulnerable enough. Or in an effort to be honest — I overcomminicate and confuse people. Romantic rejection is one of my biggest fears. I hate heartbreak. Who doesn’t. But I also fear that I always being dramatic if I say too much. I have a lot of pride. Too much pride. I don’t want to lead in romantic relationships. I want to feel safe. I’m scared of them and of tying people down or being tied down.
I also don’t like to not be good at things and relationships feel like something I’m not good at.
