Beneath Your Hate (Part 2/2) - Lee Donghyuck (Haechan)
~REQUESTED~
Warnings: Language, angst
Your seat remained empty. He noticed. He looked at the clock.
[9:13 a.m.]
‘She's usually here by now.’
He couldn’t help but worry. Donghyuck’s mind raced back to Friday night and he rested his face in his hands. The fuzzy images of your soaked body kept finding their way to his thoughts.
‘Asshole. You’re such an Asshole.’
These thoughts didn’t help him though. He still didn’t know where you were.
“Hey,” something poked him on the shoulder and he turned around, half-expecting to see one of his friends, half-hoping to see you. But instead, he was greeted by an angry looking girl. Her eyes locked harshly onto his and her stare remained cold and rigid. “Nice work, dick.”
“Huh?”
“Accident on Park Ave? Did you not hear?” Donghyuck shook his head. “Yeah, of course you didn’t. Well, I’m sure if you just stayed away from y/n on Friday night, she wouldn’t be in a hospital bed right now.” She spoke harshly, almost through her teeth. But before she could finish Donghyuck slowly turned around. The girl’s words began to sound muffled, almost like he was underwater. His heartbeat quickened as he sat there drowning, staring at your empty seat.
~
Pain pulsed through his body during the next couple class periods. Things still seemed blurred, unclear. The world around him was spinning. He didn’t want to believe what the angry-faced girl said. Donghyuck didn’t want to accept the truth. But as the day progressed on, it was all he heard. Everyone was talking about you.
Guilt. It was everywhere. In his fourth period class, he began tapping his hands on the desk. He couldn’t sit still thinking you were barely holding onto your life. The emotional pain began to suffocate him, he felt like he was going crazy.
‘You did this to her. YOU did this to her. It’s your fault. YOUR fault.’
He had enough. Abruptly, he stood up and began to walk to the front of the class.
“Mr. Lee?” The teacher started, “Donghyuck, please sit down.” But he only walked by her as if she didn’t exist. He shook his head as she called to him, yelling for him to return to his seat. “I’m going to have to call the office!” She shouted down the hall, watching Donghyuck pick up his pace and begin to run.
He was out of his mind. The hallways seemed to become narrow and close him in as he ran. Every sense of his was overwhelmed. All he could hear was your voice and all he could see was your smile. You were strangling him.
He finally reached the door and pushed through them, making his way out to his car. Pressing the key into the ignition, his throat began to close. Chills ran up and down his back as water dripped lightly from his eyes.
“You idiot,” he said aloud to himself as he pulled out of the school. He didn’t know where he was going, he just drove. His mind couldn’t think of anything other than you.
‘Why were you so damn afraid? And now look at what you did. You fucked up so bad.’
He hadn’t figured out a plan yet. He just kept going, as if trying to escape from the pain by driving away from it. But you can never run away from your problems, especially if deep down you want to fix them. Donghyuck realized this himself as he jammed on the brakes, looking up to see where he subconsciously needed to go.
Westwood Hospital.
~
Donghyuck hated hospitals. Every part of them made him feel so damn sad. The cold white floors, the long hallways, and the rooms filled with people who didn’t deserve to be there pained him.
When he went to the front desk, he was greeted by a young receptionist with her hair tied up in a tightly knotted bun.
“Hello. How may I help you?” She smiled at him.
“Um, I’m here to visit y/f/n y/l/n.” He shifted uncomfortably, hoping his eyes weren’t too puffy or red. Maybe if he seemed put together, the lady would take him seriously.
“And what is your relation to the patient sir?” She furrowed her brow and began typing on the computer. Donghyuck froze, he had no idea what he was to you. He couldn’t even say he was your friend.
“I'm her boyfriend.” He spit out the lie, well-aware of how wrong it was after what he did.
“I’m sorry, but she's only having immediate family visitors right now. You can try later.” She attempted to speak sympathetically, but Donghyuck didn’t want to hear it. He needed to see you.
“Please. I need to see her. It will be quick, I promise.” He dropped his head, feeling ashamed by his begging.
“No, I’m sorry sir. Again, you can try later.” Her tone changed, it was more authoritative and she spoke quickly. He realized she was very serious, but so was he. So in those few seconds, Donghyuck made a rash decision. He stared at her for a moment, and then he ran. It was the second time he was running, and this time, he knew it was towards you.
He started down the halls ignoring the shouting coming from the front desk. All he could do was run faster.
“Y/N!” He shouted, his lungs burning. But before he could make it any further, he felt himself get pulled back. Security was all over him, trying to restrain his motions. Donghyuck didn't care, all he could think about was you. “LET ME SEE HER! LET ME SEE HER!” He screamed again, his eyes streaming with tears as he tried to keep breaking through the men.
“Y/N IF YOU CAN HEAR ME, IM SORRY. IM SO FUCKING SORRY Y/N. AND I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU.” People stared as Donghyuck flailed through the men trying to pull him back. He screamed out your name, hoping somehow, you would know he was there.
But eventually, his shouts died out and he was thrown into the lobby. He sank down against the wall and didn’t look up at any of the men surrounding and ridiculing him. He really didn't care. The pain was too overwhelming to worry about consequences.
Once the men turned around and walked away, Donghyuck was left swimming in a pool of grief.
“Love can drive you insane, huh.” One security guard said to another.
“Makes you do crazy things.” The other agreed, shaking his head.
~
Donghyuck sat there for hours. The day went on. The earth kept spinning and people kept moving, but he had stayed in the same spot the security guards left him in four hours ago. His world was crashing, colliding, and burning into a mess he never wanted. Everything he new meant nothing, none of it mattered. None of it.
He felt something lightly tap his shoulder and looked up, pulling him out of his trance-like state. The world began to reconstruct itself as he was reminded of where he was and what he was doing.
“Oh hello,” he said, his eyes meeting with the receptionist.
“Room 23. Go see her.” The lady’s eyes were softer than the last time he looked at them. But Donghyuck knew she wasn’t allowed to call the shots, so someone else must have told her that it was okay.
That someone just happened to be you.
He made his way down the hallway incredibly slowly. His heartbeat pounded in his ears as he wondered what he could possibly say to you. He knew his previous actions didn't make sense; they didn’t add up. How does one treat the person they want the most with the least amount of care? It simply lacked any bit of logic, and he was aware.
His eyes searched the signs on each door, and each number he read seemed to echo in his ears. The air around him was stiff, cold, and quiet.
13...15...17...
He felt as if his own breathing was obscenely loud throughout the hall. The corridor seemed endless, each side abundant with rooms packed full of visitors and staff. It's odd how hospitals work. The atmosphere fluctuates rather frequently. The calm before a storm can only last for so long.
19…21…
And if that’s the case...
23.
Then it’s also true for the storm.
All at once, the noise around him stopped. There it was. Your room. Once he placed his hand on the doorknob, the cool metal shocked his palms and he found himself hesitating. But he was here for a reason, and with that, he twisted it, opening the door.
Donghyuck swallowed hard at the sight of your body. You lay there limply in the dark room. A single stream of light broke through the blinds and fell gently across your face. Your arm was connected by wires, monitoring your vitals. The shrill ‘beeps’ of machines filled the silence of the room. What was he expecting? You to be standing there? Waiting to slap him across the face? To tell him how much of an idiot he was and to just go home? To go back to the way things were before Friday night?
No, he knew what was waiting for him behind the door. But now that he was standing there, looking at the reality of it all, he had no choice but to accept it. And he didn’t want to.
He was responsible for your current state. He was responsible for you having to leave the party at all. He was responsible for your tears and cries. And he was responsible for your anger and sadness, the same anger and sadness that made you push the pedal too hard on the dark streets of a quiet neighborhood.
Donghyuck bit back his fear and walked closer, eyeing the cuts and bruises on your arms and face. He held his breath at your leg, which hung wrapped up in a sturdy white cast. He wished it was him. He deserved to be broken, not you. He wanted so badly to hold you and kiss you and apologize for everything he's done, but he couldn’t. He could only stand there, watching your chest rise and fall with each breath, feeling as if he was driving the car that hit yours.
~
If someone had asked you “why” a part of you hoped it was Donghyuck when the nurse told you that you had a visitor, you wouldn’t be able to answer. Maybe it was because earlier that day you had another dream where he told you he cared and was sorry, and that all this time he’s loved you, but you weren’t really sure. When you found out it was him though, you really didn’t understand why you allowed him to come see you. It was as if the same part of you that loathed him, was also too curious to quit and even now, remained fascinated by him. You’ve probably always struggled to let things go when it came to him, and maybe it’s because at one point you had cared about him, but you weren’t ready to accept that, at least, not yet, not now.
Feeling someone's presence, your eyes slowly fluttered open and shifted towards the door.
“Donghyuck,” his name fell from your lips as if you were only exhaling, but underneath your breath, he was there. It seemed he had heard. His eyes widened at the sound of your voice. His face was different usual, beneath it wasn’t a layer of hate. There was something there that had been missing for a long time. It was gentle, and he looked like he’d been crying for a while.
And for the first time, Donghyuck began to fall apart, right in front of your eyes. He spilled his thoughts on the floor, allowing the room to fill with the pain that now both of you were feeling.
“Y/n I don’t even know where to begin,” he looked down, “I’m sorry. Those words don’t mean shit to you and I realize that, but I messed up. Every part of me wishes I could go back. Not just to Friday, but every single moment I’ve hurt you because none of it was validated. None of it was okay.” He exhaled deeply, his voice losing composure quickly, “I hated you. I hated you so much, bec-” His voice halted. On the verge of tears, he continued and you let him, “because you’re everything I’ve ever wanted. I didn’t know how to tell myself or you how I felt. I hated that you could control me without even knowing it. I hate how vulnerable you make me feel and that loving someone makes me feel so powerless. And I know this sounds crazy but I do love you an-” He stopped and buried his face into his hands, failing to hold back his tears any longer.
You waited a moment, unsure of where to go next.
“Donghyuck.” You said softly for the second time that day.
He wiped his face and looked up.
“Go.” You whispered. He nodded, before dropping his head and leaving.
Physically removing Donghyuk from the room did not remove the feelings he carried with him. His sadness and love for you plagued the room and you were left alone with nothing to do but swim in them. You truly had no idea what to think.
‘Does he feel sorry? Does he really care?’
You couldn’t just believe he was serious, but there was so much truth in his pain that you couldn’t help but think was real. Your mind was racing.
Your thoughts were in a vicious cycle, and you were trapped. Why did you want him to come back? Maybe the room was just lonely.
Maybe.
~
He sat in his car for awhile, watching the sky darken around him. He wanted you, he always had, but more importantly, he wanted you to be okay.
The next days for him were a struggle to press on through. He kept thinking of the dim room and your tired face littered in cuts. It took control of him, and Donghyuk could not move on or get anything done knowing you were in pain.
So he kept showing up.
Donghyuk made his way inside the hospital for the second time. He greeted the receptionist with a light smile. She returned his smile, her eyes drifting from his face to the item he held in his hands.
You woke up one morning with a vase next to your bed. Inside of it was a single daisy. You sat up a bit and tilted your head.
‘Who brought this here?’
It stood limply in the vase, its petals stark white and its bud was colored a happy yellow. The room felt a little less dull because of the flower, and you almost found yourself smiling at it. You loved daisies. They always flopped and could never stand up straight, and that's what you liked about them. They were a little bit clumsy, and so were you. They didn’t fit the sophisticated beauty role many flowers did, and you admired that.
Each morning until you were finished with your stay at Westwood, another flower would appear in the vase. They made you feel better and distracted you from the pain you were enduring.
On your first day out, you hobbled into your home on your crutches. With each step, you winced lightly, the pain was easing, but it was far from gone. Your mother followed you carrying your vase of daisies. She noticed your fondness for them and insisted you bring them home with you. Returning home restored some of the peace within you. The dreary room was a part of the past which you were all too happy to escape.
As you laid on your bed, you stared at the vase that was now on your end table. Your mind was straining to relax, but the accident still replayed over and over in your brain. And once again, the cycle started up.
The images flashed through your thoughts, and you buried your face in your pillow, breathing heavily into it. You were a prisoner of your own mind, and you couldn’t break out. During times like this, your heart ached for him.
‘Why? How?’
The one who implemented your pain was also the one you wanted to relieve it.
~
Donghyuck drove by your house close to a million times before deciding he should pull in. He wanted to see you, but he didn’t know what to say, or how to say anything. He was slightly embarrassed by his visit with you at the hospital as he didn’t intend on saying everything he said or crying in front of you. Thinking of it made his cheeks flush, he just wanted to let you know he cared.
Once building the courage to pull into your driveway, he parked and nervously got out. Once again he had no idea what he was going to say, but he followed where his legs took him, which was right to your front door. He exhaled deeply before tapping his knuckles against the door. All the words were inside of him, he just had no clue how to get them out.
And then, he knocked.
You heard the faint knock from upstairs and lifted your head up from your pillow at the sound. Realizing nobody was home, you concluded you would have to answer it. Though upset you had to move, you would take any chance to remove yourself from being alone with your own mind. You slowly descended the stairs, heavily struggling and limping. At the bottom, you paused, giving yourself a chance to catch your breath. Once reaching the door, you hesitated but assumed it was one of your friends who had mentioned visiting soon and felt yourself smile at the idea of human interaction. You needed a hug and you needed a friend. But after you twisted the knob and saw the waiting figure behind it, your smile fell.
Donghyuck.
The sight of him rippled chills down your spine. You stood there, in shock, unable to say anything. You didn’t expect to face him today. You were hoping to deal with the issue later. You’d be lying to yourself if you said you were ever planning to deal with it. And you were lying to yourself because you kept saying that never was later.
“Y/n,” he paused, noticing your eyes begin to glass over, “are you okay?”
You shook your head, lightly mouthing a “no,” before turning away quickly as you felt your tears start to hit.
“Hey, hey,” he pulled you back around and stared into your eyes. Even through your tears, he saw what he loved, he saw you. He wrapped his arms around your back as your face pressed into his chest. Your breathing grew choppy as your cries deepened. He held you tightly, feeling your pain as it if was his own. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered into your hair over and over again.
You pulled away from his warm grasp and began to walk towards the stairs, hoping he would follow you. You needed to talk, and you both knew it. As you planted your crutch on the first step you felt something grab you from behind.
“I can walk up myself, put me down,” you wiped your tears as you spoke, feeling yourself get lifted from the ground.
“No, you can't.”
He was right.
Donghyuck carried you up the stairs, you pointed to your room and he gently placed you on your bed.
“Thank you.” You said while looking down at your comforter.
He pulled the chair from your desk towards your bed and sat down. You furrowed your brow and patted the edge of your bed, beckoning him to come closer towards you. Slowly he stood up and walked towards your bed, dropping himself at the edge of it. He was keeping his distance, and you noticed. But to be fair, you should be keeping your distance too. You just didn’t want to.
You closed your eyes, breathing in heavily. Should you say what you were about to say? Probably not, or not for a while at least, but what’s the point in waiting? If you had the chance, why miss it?
“I forgive you,” you spoke, breaking into the silence, “for everything.” You opened your eyes only to see Donghyuk shake his head, looking away from you.
“No, you can’t. I wanted to explain myself, and maybe it’s selfish to think that could fix anything, but even I can’t forgive me. How could you even say you forgive me? You don’t need to pretend to be nice to me. You deserve the absolute world, y/n, and I poured beer on your head just to push you further away. I'm an idiot.”
He was right, you knew that. But you also knew what you wanted, and somehow, even after all of the chaos, it was him. It’s possible that what he had said to you in the hospital that day confirmed the feelings that resonated deep inside of you, but it’s also possible that they were inevitable to begin with.
“I know you are, but I believe you when you say you care,” you tilted your head and met his eyes. Your mind raced, everything he did up until this point was to spite you. And because of him, you came to meet the thin line between love and hate. You knew you had a choice, and you could choose to hate him now and deal with the feelings you had later. You also knew that love tends to leave some of the deepest scars, which can be scary. But everybody has scars, and maybe that’s not so bad. You can learn a lot about someone from their scars, and it seemed you both had a lot to learn.
He dragged his eyes to your arm, which was etched with scars from the shattering window. He placed his fingers along each one and began to trace them as if he was trying to heal them. You liked the way his fingers felt on your skin. There was something about his touch that was warm and reassuring.
Looking up, his gaze fell to your side table, where he found your vase, “I didn’t know you’d keep them.”
“Keep what?”
“The daisies.”
You paused and looked at him.
‘How’d he know?’
“I hoped you liked them as much as you like drawing them, they’re always all over your papers.” He said softly, a light smile almost appearing for a second.
You remained in awe. “I didn’t know you noticed.”
He lifted your chin so you two met eyes again. He wanted you to know he meant every word he said. Slowly, his hand moved from your chin to gently graze your jaw.
“I always noticed you, and I hated that you occupied so much of my attention. I’m not sure why I am so immature when it comes to love, and I’m so sorry I let things get this out of hand, but all of my mistakes were because I’m scared. I’m scared of this. And you don’t have to say anything to try and make my actions seem ok, but I’m going to try and fix my wrongs, so maybe one day, I’ll be able to take care of you properly.”
You nodded. But he didn’t know that you had already begun to trust him. You didn’t know whether you should or not, but you were willing to try.
You always found yourself in staring contests with Donghyuck, though they always were from opposite sides of lunchrooms, or parking lots, or parties. Now you sat inches away from your enemy, looking into his eyes, in a way you never had before. You felt the love he held, the love that’s always been there, hidden under his cracking shell of hate.
And if the flowers that bloomed in your lungs told you one thing…
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the
Organization for Transformative Works
Solnyshko (17500 words) by Eyagraph
Chapters: 6/6
Fandom: 原神 | Genshin Impact (Video Game)
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Capitano/Mavuika (Genshin Impact)
Characters: Mavuika (Genshin Impact), Capitano (Genshin Impact)
Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Snezhnayan Capitano, Uneasy Allies To Lovers, Nickname in Another Language, he falls first, Touch-Starved Capitano, Bickering, Teasing and Banter, Mamavuika is Good with Kids, Angst, Battle-related Blood & Gore, Grievous Injury, Near Death Experiences, Soft Capitano, Scars, unmasking, Cunnilingus, Vaginal Fingering, Oral Sex, Written before 5.1 update, Canon Divergence
Series: Part 1 of Hailfire
Summary:
“Your plan is doomed to fail,” Capitano tells her. “By trying to save everyone, you will save no one. I suggest reconsidering your position before your nation burns to the ground, solnyshko.” That last word, spoken in an unfamiliar language, rolls smoothly off his tongue.
The soldiers behind him don't even try to stifle their disrespectful laughter.
Mavuika narrows her eyes. “Oh, are we name calling now, Captain?” She spits his title at him with haughty venom. “That's awfully mature. What does it mean? Witch? Bitch? Or are you feeling more creative than that today?”
Or, the five times Capitano addresses her in Snezhnayan, and the one time she understands what he's trying to say.
