sorry you probably get these questions alot, but like,, i seriously constantly question my identity and by extension my relationships and i lowkey really need to talk to someone about ittt... apologies if i submitted sumn wrong just lmk if i fumble!! also tysm for running this blog !!
...my identity,,its never been consistent for me. same can be said for relationships of any kind. i broke up with my ex bc of some dicey things that happened after it was obvious i was asexual and wasnt delivering on what they had been "promised"--- including this last time and two other occasions ive gone into romantic relationships because those people felt safe, comforting, supportive and i wanted to be the same for them- regardless of how that relationship was actually defined. i looked at technical qualifiers like oh yeah i guess sex is fine and i do kiss even though i dont care for it- i guess this counts? looking back i dont even know if i loved them at all like that. it just seemed categorically,, okayish, i guess??? ow i think i *might* have a legitimate crush on someone? ive noticed intense feelings of some sort with this close friend/ex-roomate, i wanted to spend all my time with her and hear her thoughts about anything i could. learning more about her felt like a special treat- even if it was just what her new favorite color was, or what birds she liked the most. it all feels so new and exciting. i feel my chronically overstressed body relax when shes near, and even more so when we cuddle together
.... but i fear that those feelings are at a similar (not same, def more well rounded atleast) feelings about my exes i had in the moment of dating those people. and i wouldnt care any less of she didnt want to date or never brought it up. i have no desire to mention it myself- perhaps out of a learned fear, perhaps just preference.. and i know that if i had more friends with traits at a similar high quality and emotional closeness overall to hers id feel very similarly to them too. id smooch all my friends if they were close enough to let me (although mouth to mouth absolutely disgusts me). i dont feel like dating is more of a spoken agreement amd commitment to a slightly more intense friendship. but all my friendships feel intense? is there supposed to be a difference?
this is a long response, so i'm gonna use quotes to break this up:
i seriously constantly question my identity and by extension my relationships and i lowkey really need to talk to someone about ittt
i've talked about this recently, but if you "constantly" question your identity and relationships, I think it's really, really worth asking yourself if OCD might be a component of this questioning. identity OCD is a common subset, and it can have a focus on your orientation/relationship status/place in the queer community. in addition, feeling like a bad person/constantly feeling guilty. an important reason I'm bringing this up is, to quote that link:
To cope with these distressing thoughts and fears, individuals with Identity OCD often engage in compulsive behaviors aimed at reassuring themselves. These behaviors might include:
– Constantly seeking reassurance from others about their identity
– Excessively researching and analyzing their thoughts and feelings
– Avoiding situations or stimuli that trigger identity-related doubts
– Mentally reviewing past experiences to “prove” their identity
– Engaging in rituals or behaviors to reinforce their sense of self
These compulsive behaviors, while intended to alleviate anxiety, often serve to reinforce the OCD cycle and can lead to increased distress over time.
(bolding mine just based on what you have sent and your pinned post)
and tbh? we have a lot of friends with OCD irl, and we often feel like we're in the awkward position of having to say, "I think this is an OCD spiral, and I'm concerned I'm going to cause you harm by engaging with this topic." and that's how I'm feeling about this ask, especially when paired with your username and a quick skim of your intro post. I don't want to diagnose over the internet, but... it's just, you sound absolutely textbook from my limited view of you, right now. and i don't want to help you harm yourself.
i don't know if i want to respond to the rest of your ask because of that. it is completely not your fault, but I just worry greatly when there's so many red flags that a further response would encourage distress.
