author's note: i wrote this in the a.m. while also sobbing so oops mistakes? anyway, i love joshua and his comforting persona so he is my inspiration; however his name is only mentioned at the very end so everyone can apply it to whoever they want. i mainly just published this to have it somewhere in case it gets deleted from my notes overnight:,)? idk it's the first post i'm making so wish me luck.
p.s. the song i am mentioning in the writing, that causes the crying, is kidult because personally, that song makes me cry always and i do have it banned from listening it. but again, anyone can imagine anything else. bye bye have a lovely one.
it's like a soft knock can be heard from the door, but i make no movement to check if it was my imagination or reality, the song in my earphones muting out everything else. three moments later, i feel my bed dipping under someone's weight, which makes me succumb deeper in my shield of thick blanket, hiding away from whoever sat down, so they can't see my tear stained face.
when the person moves on the bed again, i allow myself to think that they will leave. to prove me wrong, however, half a moment later i feel two arms wrap around me, or better said around the blanket that was around me, nonetheless hugging me from behind and slowly stroking the place where my arms would be. unexpectedly, this small gesture draws fresh, hot tears to my eyes and they fall without a second thought, dampening the material under my touch.
one of the arms around me move slightly, adjusting me closer to them, and i feel a soft hand gently trace my face, not with the intention to turn me in their direction, but more to bring comfort and tranquility. i would recognise him and his touch anywhere and anytime, even in a sea of people. it's him. after a heartbeat, one of my earphones is taken away from me and i assume it goes to my companion, so we end up sitting together, no words uttered among the two of us, just the song that brings me both comfort and heartbreak at the same time.
when the song is ready to play again on a loop, he moves both of us again, very gently trying to take away the blanket from around my face and neck, but i oppose myself and get a tighter grip on it, keeping it on myself, and he stops trying more, instead resuming the stroking motions.
after what felt like an eternity and also a heartbeat, i move my head just slightly, slotting myself better under his chin, so that he can lean on top of my head more comfortably. he looks down at me, studying my face, or at least the part he sees of it in our position, and i look up at him, convinced i look disastrous after all this crying. he takes one of his hands and ever so gently wipes the remnants of my tears from under my eyes, and others threaten to escape in their place again. he must notice my glassy eyes because next thing i know, he moves under the blanket with me and hugs me as tight as he can to his chest. the barrier of the blanket out of the way, i can feel his heartbeat under my hand, bringing me a sense of calmness only a loved one can.
i take out my earphone and place it on the bed and he follows suit, maintaining the silence between us; not an uncomfortable type of silence, but rather one where words are not needed to express what's to be expressed. he gently places a hand on my cheek again and my head leans on it, closing my eyes and inhaling deeply, grounding myself. he slowly turns my face in his direction, and this time i don't show any signs of opposition, being met with a pair of soft eyes scanning mine without a trace of judging.
"hi", i say shyly, not wanting to break the magic and the intensity of the moment.
"hi, love", he offers me one of his signature smiles, that has his eyes turning into little moon halves, wrinkling a little at the corners, making my heart ache again, but also putting a smile on my own face as well.
i extend my hand to copy his own movements and cup one side of his face, gently tracing his cheekbones and he leans into my head like i did moments ago. we sit in this soft atmosphere together, smiling softly at each other, until i feel my heart become lighter, no longer crumbled under heavy mountais. the mountains are still there, but now i am not alone under them; i am not alone and i am stronger with him there with me.
after a while, his other hand that was gently stroking my back stops on my waist and he leans in to place a kiss on my forehead.
"should i ask? or do you not want to talk about it?" he asks almost in a whisper, his lips still against my forehead.
"you can ask, but i don't think i know to give you an answer", i admit honestly, to which he nods in an understanding manner.
he moves away from my body for a second, and my eyes dart in his direction immediately, scared he'll leave me now, and he probably notices the emotion in the way i look at him, because he extends a hand in my direction, which i take instantly, and he guides me to the headboard of the bed, against which he leans and pulls me to his chest again, so we're almost the same as before, but now we can both lay down a little, which turns out to be more comfortable almost in an instant.
one arm under my head and the other wrapped around my waist, he starts slowly stroking my hair, and mixed with the rhythm of his heart that i can hear under my ear, bring me many steps closer to a slumber. however, i start speaking instead of sleeping, letting out every nonsense and repetitive thought i have.
"i don't even know why it happened, really, i was doing just fine yesterday. i went out with friends, we had a good laugh, i managed to finish my assignment, i cooked, i did some cleaning, i did everything i said i would do. and i was alright, i really was. i felt... okay. i didn't feel anything bad or negative. and then this morning came around and i could feel this... darkness approaching, but i managed to keep it at bay until a few hours ago. but then, the song comes in my playlist that i had playing around, you know which song i am referring to. and at first i didn't realise it, but then its bridge came around and i really just lost it and started crying in the middle of the kitchen. i don't even know how that song got in this playlist because it's banned from all playlists because you know this is like the only song i am literally never listening to exactly for the reason of crying. and so i started crying and all these thoughts came onto me like a tornado and swept me up and then i found myself here, bundled up in this hot blanket and listening to that song on loop for... hours i suppose? because i couldn't get myself out of it. all these thoughts were keeping me like hostage, and even though they brought me literal dread, i just couldn't escape", i ramble and ramble and ramble, but he listens to it all and nods along, signaling me to continue as i have all his attention.
"at first it was just the basic thoughts, like regretting not calling mom yesterday because i was out and i came home late and it made me feel like a bad daughter because, after all, i moved away from home and here to follow my dream with my parents' help so i should be grateful but i am not even capable of picking up the phone when they call me. but then it escaladed to thoughts of me being a disappointment to them because i'm starting to regret my choices, but i can't give up because i and they invested too much in this already. and also it's my last year of this degree, what am i supposed to do after i finish? how am i even gonna finish this when i literally can't write my thesis because i've been in a writer's block for weeks and it starts to feel like a literal mental block, like was i really this dumb all along? and also let's not even go through the fact that since our friends started dating, i am constantly reminded that i am alone and honestly, i love being alone, after all i am an introvert, but i am lonely. i've been feeling so lonely lately that it's eating at me and all the happiness i have for my friends is bittersweet because of that. and also some mornings i just don't know how to get out of bed. i don't even want to wake up. and i have to push myself with all the energy i have left in me to keep going, to continue this choice that i came to resent and regret deeply. and i don't know, really, i don't see the point in any of it anymore but i can't give up, you know i can't. and i have people around me that would be disappointed if they knew what really lies behind the smile i show them. and now you will be disappointed too and i really can't take this anymore. i don't know what to do, really, but i can't", i end up in tears again, spilling on my cheeks and i have to get back up in sitting position, my sobs buried in my hands on my knees. i feel him get up too behind me and embracing me, turning my body towards him and he cups my face, tilting it back, making me look in his eyes to see the sincerity and support in them.
"shhh, it's okay baby, take a deep breath with me, okay? come on, inhale and exhale, let's do it a few times more, okay?", he helps me breathe in through my nose and out my mouth, calming my racing heart in my chest along the way. "that's it, love, just like that. is it any better?" i nod wordlessly, focusing on just breathing, taking in his scent, comforting me. "listen to me, love, alright? it's okay to feel lost on your way, to not know what you're doing, even to mess everything up. because you're living this for the first time. and it's okay to feel these emotions just as much as it is okay to feel complete happiness. because they are all part of who you are, they make the incredible person that you are. and every person that has you in their life knows how hardworking and passionate you are, how brave and inteligent, and they are all proud of you, your parents are proud of you. i am proud of you. and believe me, there is nothing you can ever do to make your parents to be disappointed in you. because what matters the most is that they have you in their life, that they have such a wonderful child that they love more than anything. and love", he brings his face closer to mine, his eyes looking into mine with an intensity and emotion that burns straight to my soul, "i can never be disappointed in you either. i admire you and i am so proud of you and who you've become, who you've evolved into. and i will always be here by your side, no matter what burdens fall on your shoulders." he puts his forehead on mine, and we both sit in silence, our eyes closed and souls communicating.
after a few moments, he starts stroking my cheeks softly with his fingers, his forehead still pressed to mine. "whenever you feel like you can't continue for another day, come to me, alright? i'll give you my tomorrow so that you can have today." his words make me move to wrap my arms around his neck tightly, burying my face in the crook, inhaling his scent deeply, until i feel it fill my lungs and every little morcel of my body full of him.
"i love you, to the stars" he says, wrapping his arms around my waist and stroking just right under my shirt, giving me the comfort my heart needed.
"to the stars, i love you" i say it back, meaning it with all the sincerity there is in the world.
in that moment, it felt like all those burdens weighted nothing more than a feather, while our souls were touching the beautiful stars that hid so many fates in themselves. whether or not him and i were meant by fate or not, can't know; but one thing is sure: joshua was your angel and the stars were reachable with him by your side.
