The pain in-system relationships bring
I have a lover inside. I have an in-system relationship and I love my boyfriend to the death. There are pros and cons to every relationship type, let it be up-close far distance or in-system, I don't think it is fair to compare them but our mind still does. And it still hurts. I used to think I overcame that, but due to a recent turn of events I realized how much we don't get to have. Every single day I am reminded of just the sheer amount of how much we can't have.
When I am on the bus and I see a couple holding hands, whispering things to each other, giggling together... People asking them, them just being at places together, kissing each other, people acknowledging their relatitonship. Them going on dates, or just living in their life as usual, doing chores and playing games competitively, or just casual bantering, showering together.
Or the concept of sex itself. One can argue you can do all or some those with your in-sys partner too, but, it is not the same way. It is not to the same extent. It does not feel the same, It feels less to me. I know it shouldn't, maybe, but we cannot control our feelings. It is different, it is valid, yes, and I tear up as I speak but I cannot for the life of me get this painful throbbing heart to stop thinking every moment of "what if my boyfriend had an external body".
I grieve, I am yet to finish grieving. We are on our 2nd year of dating and I am still grieving with stops and breaks in-between. How long will this grief last?
I think to myself, and my boyfriend too, he says to me; yes, we will never be able to physically hold each other. Yes, we will never have sex like other people, ours may just stay as an imitation and imposition of sorts and that's it. Yes, that may not be enough for our bodily needs and that is something we can resolve with other things. The important thing is we will resolve. It is okay to grieve. It is okay to wish for the impossible. But time will heal it.
We can focus on what we do have. An endless possibility of dates to be scheduled, our real bodies (not the human ones!) being inside and being able to interact with each other. Always having each other close, so up close that you can even read other's mind sometimes. Arguments almost never being a thing because you know how they feel the way they breathe the way they talk. Loving yourself means loving him, too.
I think to myself, this heart I have beats for people more than one. It beats the same time for both me and him. It beats, beats, beats, until we die. Until we both draw our last breath. When we live we will always be together and live together, when we die we will die together.
Thinking of what could've been possible if I had him physically is a tunnel with no light at the end of it. The only light that is possible is the light of death.
Maybe, just maybe after all those, there is an afterlife where we get to have our own seperate bodies and live our love to the fullest. I never believed in spirituality, but I wish to be proven wrong so badly on this. I hope some deity hears my plea and gives me just one chance, one singular chance to hug my beloved and inhale his scent all the way.
Maybe if we love hard enough in this life, it can exceed physical realm's chains and feel each other more than anyone else.
I stay in this relationship because our love exceeds the enormous amount of pain it brings. And I don't regret any moment of that.
