God, I'm done. I've been on thin fucking ice mentally and emotionally the last few weeks. Like, a band ready to snap if one more thing goes wrong. And it did. The last thing went wrong.
I have been holding it together in the face of debt by December, full time college classes, my shitty parents, facing homelessness once campus closes bc I don't have enough money to rent an apartment or room bc my truck hit the fan and had stupid high repair prices and college is a money scam, speaking of scams, someone fucking hacked my account and now I'm fighting back bank on $100+ worth of unauthorized and fraudulent charges, which means I also don't have a working debit card, I got kicked the fuck out by my parents as well and breaks coming up soon, fucking dealing with all this new medication bs and it's side affects that make me feel sick, on the verge of needing a 4th surgery, and about to lose my second job while I work overtime on my first and look for a third as well, and fighting myself to try and fix me and then breaking down to my therapist bc I just don't fucking know how to win against myself, and fucking trying my best to keep toxic people out and it's hard bc I love them and still want them in my life but they can't be bc I have to love myself enough to draw that line but I'm not necessarily sure I do or that I am strong enough
And through all of it, all of it I have fucking managed to keep it together. I have been stretched so far. But barely have I kept it together. Until today. Over a fucking ring. And I know, I know it's not JUST the ring. It's everything. But if I let myself focus on everything I'm gonna lose it. And I've been been looking forward to this ring for over a month. It was something from my mom, her way of trying to say "I'm learning, I'm trying" about me being bisexual. Bc it's been an issue before. And she isn't good with words, and apologies. But I got it. When she was talking about it, I could see why she was trying to get this for me. And I was excited. I loved it, I loved the ring. It had a lot of significance to me!
And I got it yesterday. A month and a half or more of waiting and it finally came. And now it's gone. I slipped it on this morning before going to get breakfast and it's gone and I didn't realize until I got back about 3 hours later to my room. Likely in the first 15 fucking minutes of me being between dorms, the Caf, and my class I've lost it for good.
And just, it's probably not even that important. But it was something I had been so, so excited about. Something I had been looking forward to! For over a month! And my dumbass fucking self couldn't even keep a hold of it for 24 fucking hours. Amazing. Fucking amazing. Bc I can't seem to fucking win against myself. I have pushed aside every bit of anxiety today that makes me want to run and avoid people, bc I don't do well with people I don't know! I put it all aside seeing it anyone has seen it. At all! And I feel terrible for it. And I was already feeling sick this morning before my test, and after. And worse now. And it's stupid, it's a ring, but it's the final weight on everything. And it's so much easier to face the fact I'm upset over the ring bc it was something to keep me occupied, to look forward to, something to cheer me up the last few weeks. And it's gone not even 24 hours later and I can't even tell my mom.
Been walking on thin ice these last few weeks and it's finally fucking broken. And I don't feel any better for it. I just feel worse.
And everyone who keeps seeing the posts I'm making about it, all I'm getting is "oh it's so pretty!" I know! I know that's probably why someone likely made off with it by now! Just like the last gift I got from my mom! Except they broke into my truck to steal that one! I know it's pretty, and it means the world to me and it's really all I want back
