AN: Needed this one out of my system for a while to be honest. I love Kaeya to bits and so I really needed to yap about him anyways, but I've needed this off my chest because of the literal years worth of watching certain parts of the fanbase misinterpret him to absolute death. I see far too much that boils him down to being toxic and a manwhore or otherwise flattens him down to being flirtatious and fails to acknowledge the flaws he would actually have. Getting this out makes me feel like maybe I'm clearing the air a bit. :')
By no means does that mean this post is meant to be an insult to anyone or how they write him though! Just my own addition to the pile of who knows how many stories and thoughts about him that are out there! <3
CW: I fear I don't know how to put it in any way other than Kaeya-typical angst. In this case, specifically how said angst affects his love life. (I swear guys, I will write something happier about him later. This is just what came to me first. ;-;) Reader is only ever referred to as you, so therefore they're gender neutral!
Let's just go ahead and rip the band-aid off; loving Kaeya isn't always easy.
it isn't because he's a bad lover though. For the most part, he's absolutely lovely, actually. Attentive, charming, endlessly affectionate; the list goes on. There's not so much as a single doubt that he's absolutely smitten with you and would move mountains to make you happy if he could. It's rather likely that quite a handful of people are jealous of your relationship. He is yours, and you are his. Neither of you could imagine life without each other at this point.
But that unfortunately doesn't mean that being with him comes without problems.
For as much as he loves you, it's hard not to notice after a while that he seems a bit cagey with you at times. He always finds a way out of talking about his life before being taken in by the Ragnvindrs, and even when speaking about his life with them he seems to gloss over anything that he feels sounds unpleasant. He seems to do the same when speaking about work too. Of course, to a degree that's understandable. Surely there's some of his work that's confidential seeing as he's currently second-in-command to the Acting Grand Master. He would inevitably have to leave some things out or change details around. It's just strange because you know how much he loves to tell stories, yet he doesn't tell many grand tales about his work-related adventures. Even on the rare occasions he does, the stories he chooses to tell seem almost suspiciously mundane. It all adds up at a certain point.
Despite being his lover, the one who should arguably be the closest to him, it's as if you know both everything and nothing about him at the same time. You've slept at his side dozens of times, you know what his favorite meals are down to the exact way he prefers them made, you've picked up on who knows how many little habits of his that he may not even realize he has. You share such a deep, intimate bond with him and yet you know so little about who he was before the two of you met. Gods above, he won't even speak fully openly about his life here and now. It's a struggle. A true, honest struggle. You love him, so it's natural that you want to know everything and more about him, but he just won't budge. He's like a frozen wall sometimes and it hurts.
Truth is, he's actually deeply afraid. Terrified of saying too much. Terrified of saying the wrong thing. Terrified of losing you, his everything. He skips over so many important things about himself because he fears that you would leave, and that is a thought he just can't stomach. He hates to do it, truly. He knows you're smart enough to know something is amiss and he knows that it hurts you. The guilt of having to lie to and hide so much from his beloved is enough to consume him at times, but it's a necessary evil, isn't it? It's selfish of him, of course, but he's convinced himself that this is for the best for you both.
He does try to make up for it in his own ways. For every lie he tells or truth he hides, he finds an excuse to dote on you even more than he already does. An unprompted kiss, an offer to help you with something, or, so long as he can make time for it, he'll gladly arrange an almost needlessly wonderful date. The man will go the absolute distance to make up for the mountain of words left unspoken. Anything to ease the pain in your heart; to soothe the aches he's causing you. To anyone else, these things appear like nothing more than simple, casual acts of romance, but they mean that and so much more. They are acts of both love and apology.
Don't take any of this to mean that he never considers just telling the truth though; he most certainly does. There have been so many instances where he's truly considered sitting you down on a day that he has free and telling you everything. Of course, it would likely take hours worth of spilling his guts and trying his best not to let his emotions get out of hand, but... maybe it would be worth it? Perhaps it would, even if only slightly, ease the burden he carries and bring peace to your poor heart. However, that's where the fear comes back and makes him recoil. What if you were disgusted by what you'd hear? What if you'd turn out fearful of him knowing what he was capable of? What if you'd think less of him knowing why he was even here to begin with? The doubts never fail to be almost sickening. He loves you and trusts you more than he could ever put into words. He knows you deserve the truth, but no matter how many times he tries to convince himself to tell it, he just can't bring himself to disturb the peace he has with you... but maybe one day he'll find it in himself to take that risk. Who knows? Maybe it'll be sooner than later.
In many less words, to love Kaeya is to be patient with him, to give him grace, and most importantly, understanding. Give him that, and he may just be able to find it within himself to truly bare himself to you; to let you see all the things hidden beneath the veil.
