#konoha-forbidden-scrolls

[konoha-forbidden-scrolls]

New Naruto blog? Fresh meat! What if someone signed a summoning contract but instead of something cool like snakes or crows, they got really aggressive geese. Horrible little geese. How would characters react to you just having an entire GANG of geese following you around? 🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿🪿

Welcome! This request is completely unhinged and I had far too much fun while writing it. Love it. I've gone with a mixed bag of characters.🌸

Characters: Kakashi Hatake, Naruto Uzumaki, Sasuke Uchiha, Shikamaru Nara, Sakura Haruno, Tsunade Senju

Contents: horrible little geese

It's a beautiful day in Konoha and you are a horrible little goose summons...

Kakashi Hatake

Kakashi will be the first to tell you that a summoning contract is one of the most useful tools a shinobi can have. Most of the greatest shinobi have one, and he's no exception.

He's lost count of the amount of sticky situations where his ninken have managed to give him the edge. Just ask Pakkun—he loves to talk about all the times his exploits have saved the day.

So when Kakashi hears you proudly declare that you too have a summoning contract, he's curious to see it. He's of the opinion that a person's summoning animal is a reflection of their personality. Almost like a ninja zodiac.

So imagine his surprise (and dismay) when you bite your thumb and are suddenly surrounded by two dozen honking, hissing, milling geese.

"...geese!?"

"Yup."

"Are you serious?" he asks, sounding rather strained. It's rare to see Kakashi off balance, but a flock of pissy geese will do it.

"What, you don't think my geese can match up to your ninken, Hatake?"

Kakashi scoops up several of his large ninken (and Pakkun), holding them like oversized stuffed animals. "Keep those evil things away from my dogs."

Naruto Uzumaki

Considering that Naruto summons toads, he doesn't exactly have the coolest summoning contract either, but he wonders why you're so cagey about yours. Sure, it's normal for shinobi to keep quiet about their techniques in order to have the upper hand, but you're allies, right?

"C'mon, c'mon, c'mon! Show me, show me! I promise I won't laugh!"

He has absolutely no intention of keeping that promise if your summons is like, dung beetles or something.

Even Naruto isn't prepared for what waddles out of the puff of smoke created by your Summoning Jutsu.

He lets out a startled guffaw, blue eyes threatening to pop out of his head, then doubles over in a fit of raucous laughter.

"What the hell!? Geese—ow! Agh! Get them off!"

His laughter soon dies when the geese start to bite him, enraged by his hideous orange-and-black jumpsuit and his mockery.

Rage, geese, rage!

Sasuke Uchiha

Sasuke didn't ask what summons you have, because he doesn't really care. He himself has both snake and hawks summons, which are arguably pretty cool.

Still, on the off chance you do end up using a Summoning Jutsu around him, he's mildly surprised to hear a low hiss issue from the cloud of smoke before it dissipates. Are you a snake summoner too?

Wait. Was that a...honk?

The smoke clears to unveil a small army of angry little geese—orange beaks, beady little eyes, plump, feathery white bodies, slapping feet. Just honest-to-the-gods geese, like you've raided a farmyard. His eyebrow twitches.

"I'm beginning to reconsider our acquaintance."

"Don't you mean friendship."

"Definitely not now. Not after this. Is this some kind of joke?"

"Don't underestimate my murder geese, Uchiha. Geese, arm yourselves!"

Suddenly every single goose has a kunai clutched in their beak, their beady little eyes glowing red with a deep, murderous rage.

"Attack!"

Sasuke is forced to swifty re-evaluate his assessment of how effective an army of geese can be.

Shikamaru Nara

Shikamaru has a sixth sense for anything that's troublesome, and that sense activates the moment you smile and lift your thumb toward your mouth, ready to bite down and activate your Summoning Jutsu. The hairs on the back of his neck stand up and he knows shit is about to hit the fan.

His unease is justified the second he sees your waddling horde of honking demons. Without hesitation, he activates his Kagemane no Jutsu and traps your entire flock before they can attack him, a look of resignation on his face.

"I should have known you'd go for something eccentric. You know you're going to get a stupid nickname like the 'Goose-nin', right?"

He holds the geese trapped until you dismiss them, releasing his hand seal in order to pinch the bridge of his nose.

Despite himself, he is a little curious.

"Are they effective in battle?"

"Yeah, I'll show you. We can attack Sasuke again."

"Troublesome, but I might enjoy watching that..."

Sakura Haruno

Sakura is kind of appalled. All the options you had for a summoning contract, and you went for a gaggle of vicious geese?

Not that she has a leg to stand on, since she is a summoner of slugs. Slug summoner. Slime queen.

She keeps a safe distance from them, almost as if she can feel the rage and the fury boiling up in them, the murderous intent rolling off of the feathery little bastards.

Wise move, Sakura, wise move.

"So you can't summon a single one? It's always a flock?" she asks, looking disturbed.

"Yeah, unless I summon the Mother Goose, but I can't do that without causing extensive property damage. So I stick to my Murder Gaggle."

"Murder Gaggle!? Wait, are those kunai in their beaks?!"

Tsunade Senju

Naturally, when the Hokage hears some concerning rumours about your summoning contract, she has you brought to her office to confirm whether or not those rumours are true.

"So." Tsunade's golden eyes scrutinise you over her steepled fingers, her tone serious, commanding. "Tell me about these...geese."

"Oh, sure, let me show you."

"No! Don't summon them in here—!"

Too late. The Hokage's office is suddenly swarmed with dozens of confused, angry geese, squabbling and honking threateningly at anything that moves.

Tonton runs, squealing, to throw herself into the safety of Tsunade's arms.

"So the rumours are true," Tsunade says, feeling as though she needs a stiff drink. "I'll have to take into consideration how this 'Murder Gaggle', as you insist on calling them, can be used for the benefit of the village."

She pauses, tapping her chin.

"Would it be too harsh to unleash them during the Chuunin Exams?"

[konoha-forbidden-scrolls]

Soooo... A few of the Naruto characters reacting to their s/o using Naruto's sexy justsu on them, please? No specific characters in mind other than Itachi, so go wild! Looking forward all the future Naruto content! 🧡

These are very unserious, but I hope you enjoy!

Characters: Itachi Uchiha, Shikamaru Nara, Kakashi Hatake, Sai, Naruto Uzumaki

Contents: gn!reader, nudity

Itachi Uchiha

Given that he's got the Sharingan, you're highly unlikely to ever snare Itachi in a genjutsu, but that doesn't mean he can't see them or react to them.

That, and even Itachi can be taken by surprise when his guard is down. He notices you enter the room in his peripheral vision, but doesn't outwardly react, just a page in his book. There's his habitual cup of tea steaming on the low table in front of him, coils of steam rising from the clear green surface.

Only to be blown away by the puff of smoke as you initiate your jutsu.

Itachi looks up, blinking. His Sharingan activates almost by itself, as he struggles to come to terms with what he's seeing. His lips part slightly, his tomoe spinning.

"...is there a particular reason you're floating naked amidst some clouds?" he asks patiently. "Or is this just a treat?"

Genuinely baffled, but appreciates the view nonetheless.

Shikamaru Nara

Shikamaru used to hang around Naruto when they were kids, so he's definitely familiar with the Sexy Jutsu—mostly when Naruto used to use it on authority figures to get out of trouble. Does he expect you to know it? Does he expect you to use it on him?

Hell no.

He might be a tactical genius, but some things are so far out of left field they can take even him by surprise. He's just minding his own damn business, when he sees you approaching. Normally, nothing to be concerned about, but there's a glint in your eye that has him tensing.

Ram hand seal.

"Oroike no Jutsu!"

Shikamaru's eyes almost bug out of his head. He stares at you, then instinctively looks away, before his gaze slowly inches back.

"What the hell?" he asks, as his ears slowly burn red. He clears his throat. "Where did you even learn that technique?"

He doesn't turn away again, though. Lazy or not, he's a red-blooded young man and you're the one who decided to use such a titillating jutsu on him. Can't blame him for looking!

Kakashi Hatake

Kakashi is widely regarded in Konoha as a bit of a pervert because of his habit of reading Icha Icha in public, but the novels really aren't that extreme. Kakashi's just the shinobi equivalent of a Booktok girly reading smut.

He's not exactly a hardened degenerate, so when you hit him with a Sexy Jutsu out of nowhere, he almost drops his book. You can only see a quarter of his face, but his visible eye darts back and forth, his face slowly reddening, as he takes in the sight of your naked, cloud-wreathed body.

"Book three," he says reverently. "Chapter thirteen. Page seven."

Unlike him, you don't have an encyclopedic knowledge of the books.

"Is that what happens in that scene, or is it what you want to do to me?" you ask.

"Both," he says, reaching through the genjutsu to grasp you by the hips.

Sai

This isn't going to give you the big reaction you were possibly hoping for, although if you've been with Sai for any length of time, his blank stare shouldn't be that much of a surprise.

He watches with mild interest as you make the Ram hand seal, but his expression barely flickers when the sultry illusion appears before his eyes.

He looks expectantly at you for a moment, before he starts rummaging around for a blank scroll.

"What are you doing?" asks the floating, naked babe.

"I'm going to draw you," Sai says, before pausing and turning to look at you. "Unless this is your way of asking for sex?"

Naruto Uzumaki

Naruto's come a long, long way since he was a snot-nosed kid with one pervy jutsu to his name, but he's of the opinion you should never forget your roots.

He doesn't whip out his Sexy Jutsu at the drop of a hat anymore, not if he wants to be taken seriously as a candidate for Hokage, but never think he doesn't still have it up his sleeve.

How does he react when you, his beloved s/o, turn his own jutsu on him? Do his nasal blood vessels exploded in a glorious spray, the creator finally felled by his own creation?

Not quite?

With a wide, wicked grin, Naruto initiates his own, improved "Sexy Jutsu: Adonis Version" which is just him, naked, with the barely-there clouds, and he gives you notes.

"You're hot, but you gotta make the clouds wispier! It's all about the suggestion that you're gonna see something you shouldn't. C'mon, try it!"

"I'm alarmed by how much thought you've put into this thing, Naruto."

[konoha-forbidden-scrolls]

Please feed us Kankuro fans… something… anything 😭 but really if you have any hcs to share about him or any of the side characters it would be awesome! I’m so happy there’s a new Naruto blog ❤️

You'll find I have a deep, abiding love for side characters! I hope you enjoy this mishmash of domestic and romantic headcanons for Kankuro! (Also I don't know if that's a real screencap but it's adorable.)

Characters: Kankuro

Contents: gn!reader, Kankuro being a menace

Kankuro

Of the three Sand siblings, Kankuro is probably the one who gets overlooked the most. Between a former bloodthirsty, insomno-maniac-turned-hot-Kazekage and Temari, Kankuro just fades into the background a little more. Classic middle child syndrome.

But there's a lot more to this guy than some funky face paint and a few puppets. Let's unpack.

First of all, Kankuro actually makes a pretty damn good boyfriend. He can be a little rough around the edges like a lot of Sand shinobi, but over time things wear smooth and easy as the well-oiled joints of his favourite puppets.

When you first meet him, he veers between cocky and uncertain in equal measures because of the aforementioned middle child syndrome, but as he gets older and more comfortable around you, he becomes more grounded, more confident.

Yes, he does still talk to his puppets, especially when he's mending them. You'll approach his workshop to tell him dinner's ready and he's in there, yapping away to some marionnette like he's a doctor and it's his patient. He used to get embarrassed when you first caught him at it, but now he just laughs it off. A twitch of his finger and some chakra strings and the puppet shrugs at you.

"This guy's a great listener," Kankuro jokes. "Sometimes all a guy needs is a block of wood to clear his head."

"Yeah, to the back of the skull maybe," Temari retorts when you tell her later. "I told that idiot to stop babying those things or he'd never get any friends."

He's got a few annoying habits. While his workshop is always clean and organised, his projects at home are messier and usually left somewhere inconvenient, like the kitchen table when you're about to sit down for dinner, or behind the couch cushions, ready to jab your ass when you flop down after a mission.

He takes ages to apply his face paint in the morning, hogging the bathroom mirror because he refuses to use a dressing table/vanity, and when that stuff spatters it is a bitch to clean. Sure, the smudge-proof, sweat-proof, waterproof stuff is great for Kankuro in the field, but when its crusted around the sink? Not so much. House rule: Kankuro has to scrub it off.

He likes to use puppet parts to prank you—think finding Karasu hiding behind the shower curtain, or opening the fridge to find a disembodied wooden hand flipping you off next to the tomatoes. Kankuro's wearing the biggest shit-eating grin when you jump, until you threatened his mechanical menaces with the woodchipper.

"Aww, c'mon, babe! Not Karasu! He's family!"

"Babe" is his #1 pet name for you. He gets really self-conscious if he tries to use anything more sentimental and quickly reverts back to the tried and true.

Call him "pookie" in front of Gaara and Temari to mess with him. He goes red under his face paint and sputters, trying to explain to them that you've never called him that before.

Temari smirks. "Whatever you say, pookie."

Kankuro looks in your eyes and he just knows this is payback for hiding a disembodied puppet head in the laundry basket.

The best gifts for Kankuro, outside of bigger occasions like his birthdays, are usually consumables for his puppet making: nails, screws, sandpaper, wood polish, paints, etc. These things can run out fast, and when you show up with exactly what he was about to run out of, he feels seen. Like you've been paying enough attention to his supplies and you care enough to get it for him without asking.

Speaking of puppet supplies, wood is at a bit of a premium in Suna. The time you came back from a mission and unsealed a scroll full of rare wood from the Land of Tea, he almost hyperventilated. Dude was running his hands over the wood chunks, holding up to the light, cooing over them like they were his firstborn.

Speaking of hands, Kankuro's are quite big, with even more callouses than the average shinobi. Those skilled hands of his are good for kneading the tension out of your muscles, popping your spine as easily as if you were a puppet. Fair warning, his hands almost always migrate down to your ass for a sly grope.

If he's feeling lazy and needs something from across the room, he'll absolutely use chakra strings to snag it and yoink it over to him.

Yes, this includes you.

AO3 | Other Blogs: Bungo Stray Dogs | BNHA | Bleach | JJK

[konoha-forbidden-scrolls]

Let's have some headcanons about the Akatsuki and their bath/shower routine! Hidan's hair alone probably takes a while.

Ah, the daily lives of the Akatsuki. I've stuck to the main Akatsuki from the original series. I had waaay too much fun writing these~

Characters: Nagato, Konan, Itachi Uchiha, Kisame Hoshigaki, Deidara, Sasori, Kakuzu, Hidan, Obito "Tobi" Uchiha, Zetsu (Combined)

Contents: splish splash, bitch, blood (Hidan), wound care

Nagato

Due to the black receiver rods planted in his back and his emaciated form, Nagato's mobility is very limited. I don't think he cares much about the appearance of his true body, since no one but Konan ever sees it.

That being said, it's important for him to stay clean to prevent infections or irritations that might risk his already fragile health.

Whether scar tissue has formed around the receiver rods or if they remain open wounds is unknown, but keeping that area clean and dry would be a high priority.

While his main body is immobile, he can use the Six Paths bodies to care for himself, so he doesn't need to rely on others if he doesn't want to. (Konan would certainly help him if he needed or wanted her to.)

It's probably going to be sponge baths, or potentially a special hot spring pool where he can sit with his legs in the water and let the heat and steam give him some relief.

Konan

The Angel of Amegakure is no hop-in-the-shower scrub down kind of girl. Just look at her. That is a woman that is toned, exfoliated, and moisturised.

She's spending an hour luxuriating in a bubble bath, her head tilted back, candles flickering around her while rain patters atmospherically against the window. The steam carries the scents of the essential oils she sprinkled in the water—jasmine and sandalwood, rose and ylang ylang, depending on her mood.

Her toiletries are top tier. What's the point in being the de facto leader of Amegakure if you can't get your hands on the good stuff? Seriously, her toiletries make Deidara's mouth water.

She likes those little artisanal soaps, especially the ones carved to look like flowers.

Itachi Uchiha

Itachi will take whatever he can get, but his personal preference would be a Japanese-style bath, similar to the ones he would have taken when he lived at home with his family

The kind of set-up where he washes his body in a shower or with the old bucket and ladle, before soaking in a hot bath or hot spring. Basically like an onsen.

I don't think he'd like showers as much—water getting in his eyes and obscuring his vision—especially if he's already having problems with his eyesight.

He wouldn't go for strong-scented toiletries, both as a personal preference and because a good shinobi obfuscates all of an enemy's senses, including smell.

Still, if he can have them, he likes light herbal or tea scents.

Kisame Hoshigaki

Good news! Your shark man can tolerate fresh water as well as saltwater, so he can go take a bath or shower when he starts to get that hot tuna smell after a few days on the road. (He claims it comes from Samehada. It does not.)

Thankfully, by choice Kisame's pretty clean so the worst you'll usually get is a slight briny odour after he's been sweating.

His skin drinks up moisturiser like it's going out of style, so he goes through big tubs of the stuff.

Another dude who doesn't like heavily-scented products. He says it's so he doesn't pollute the waterways, but it's actually because perfumed toiletries irritate his gills.

Deidara

Check out Mr. Herbal Essences over here. Deidara is a shower guy, but don't let that fool you into thinking he's low maintenance. His long-ass hair takes ages to wash. Deidara takes his sweet time massaging shampoo into his scalp. Sometimes he washes it twice.

Then comes the conditioner—Detonator Barbie uses practically an entire bottle of it every time he has to do his hair, making sure every strand is liberally coated.

Followed by a hair mask.

Then he spends ages detangling it with a comb, spritzing it with anti-frizz solution, drying and straightening it.

He always clogs the plughole but claims it's not him.

Yes, he has to brush the teeth on his other mouths and floss the clay out from between his molars.

Sasori

Given that Sasori doesn't actually possess a flesh and blood body anymore, he doesn't need an actual bat, but he does do regular maintenance on his chakra puppets.

Think rag and wood polish, rather than soap and water.

He sands down any rough edges, touches up his paint, and launders his clothes if they've gotten dusty from the road.

Yeah, it's basically that scene from Toy Story 2 when Woody gets fixed up.

Kakuzu

Old man Kakuzu likes baths, and he likes them even more at the various Akatsuki compounds where he's not the one footing the bill for the water or the heating.

Continuing the miserly theme, he won't spend more than a couple ryou on his toiletries. He has the most basic-ass shower gel—the cheap kind that smells like a menthol bitch-slap—and a two-in-one shampoo and conditioner.

He looks at what Deidara and Konan spend on their personal care products with disdain.

Although he won't buy luxuries for it, Kakuzu gets pissy if his bathtime routine is interrupted, namely by Hidan getting in there early to spite him or leaving a bloody, hair-gelled mess all over the place.

Since his strings are keeping him young, he doesn't waste money on skincare.

Hidan

Hidan's got no problem being covered in blood and gore, but after a while it starts to get sticky and inconvenient, so he has to wash it off. Some of his Jashinist rituals also call for him to be purified beforehand.

He might not seem like the bath or onsen type but he is from Yugakure, aka the Village Hidden in Hot Water. Boy is from Bathland.

He's not polite from Itachi, so he'll throw himself in all dirty and covered in blood and viscera, and fuck anyone else who has to get in the water after him.

His hair does take a long time. He takes a whole handful of product and spends ages slicking and combing it back to make sure it's perfect.

Gotta look good for Jashin.

Obito "Tobi" Uchiha

He's possibly the most normal when it comes to bathing. Obito has a preference for showers over baths, because they're quick and efficient and he needs the extra time to run all his little schemes.

He absolutely "borrows" toiletries from Deidara, so he smells pretty and his hair is in great condition.

Deidara starts sniffing suspiciously whenever he's around "Tobi".

"Why the fuck do you smell like my cedarwood body wash, you masked asshole!?"

Zetsu (Combined)

I feel like he just mists himself, like a plant in a greenhouse. He just stands there and lets himself be spritzed.

Zetsu doesn't sweatzu.

[konoha-forbidden-scrolls]

Could you please do some headcanons about the goose summon shinobi joining the akatsuki? Love both your bleach work and your naruto work! <3

Absolutely! Let us continue the Goose-Nin Chronicles!

Characters: Itachi Uchiha, Kisame Hoshigaki, Deidara, Sasori, Kakuzu, Hidan, Konan, Pain

Contents: Honk

You weren't appreciated in Konoha.

The Leaf couldn't see your genius, the majesty of your horse of murder geese, despite being the Waterfowl Sage, the gander's chosen one. They simply couldn't comprehend your genius.

So what do you do?

Naturally, you go missing-nin and join the Akatsuki. As one does.

At first, they were reluctant to admit you, until you showed them your entry in the bingo book.

"Forty-nine confirmed kills. Victims reported to be pecked to death. If you hear honking, flee."

It didn't take much more to convince them to give you that red and black robe, though Kakuzu took one look at the hefty bounty on your head and argued they should toss you back to Konoha for the reward money.

Watch out, Kakuzu. Keep an ear out for the sound of webbed feet slapping the ground in the near future...

Deidara didn't know whether to be intrigued or disgusted by your goosey medium. Could mastering a flock of evil little bastards be considered artistic?

Nonetheless, he experiments in private, crafting his own miniature flock out of clay. He quickly scraps them, unnerved by how they seem to have a mind of their own.

Sasori was prepared to ignore you the way he does the rest of the organisation (except Deidara), but he found one of his puppets reduced to splinters. What could have damaged the chakra-hardened wood? Upon closer inspection, there are dozens of what appear to be peck marks. He examines the ground.

Footprints. Webbed footprints.

Kakuzu doesn't care about you or your stupid geese. As soon as Pain vetoed turning you in for the bounty, you faded into irrelevance. that is, until he found one of his secret cash hoards reduced to shreds.

Every ryou, nothing but tatters. Every thread in Kakuzu's body slithers with rage. You and the murder gaggle better watch your back, because this means war.

You have no beef with Kisame. He's a shark man. Geese are water fowl. You don't let the small difference of saltwater versus fresh water get in the way of mutual respect.

You bemuse Itachi deeply. The geese, your general erratic demeanour, the fact you come from Konoha... It's all reason enough for him to give you a wide berth. That is, until you casually mention that you set your cursed gander on his little brother.

The Sharingan spin with an eerie intensity as his head turns slowly toward you. He's ready to plunge you into Tsukuyomi, to put you through a hell a thousand times worse than whatever you did to Sasuke, when you continue:

"We must have chased him for like forty-five minutes."

Pause.

"...you simply...chased him," Itachi says, disbelieving.

"Yeah, then he distracted them by throwing a bunch of peas in a pond. He got away after that. Shame."

He stares at you blankly, the tomoe in his eyes no longer spinning. After a moment, he just gets up and leaves. Yours is a level of nonsense he just can't deal with.

Putting you and Hidan in the same organisation was always going to be a disaster, let along the same room. Against all odds, it seems like the two of you actually get along. You're both objectively crazy, homicidal, and devoted to gods of destruction. (Hidan to Jashin, you to the Mother goose. Which of them is more horrifying is a matter of theological debate.)

Pain has to physically separate the two of you, or people start to vanish from nearby towns at an alarming rate, their fates best left unwritten.

Pain and Konan are mostly insulated from your bullshit, but the vociferous complaints from Kakuzu, Sasori, and Deidara start to wear them down, as does Itachi's silent disapproval. Kisame doesn't care much either way, and no one takes Hidan's opinion into consideration.

It's only when their hidden bases are full of feathers and droppings, hunter-nin are swarming all over to trace the missing persons, and half the Akatsuki members are threatening to quite, that Pain and Konan come to a decision: you have got to go.

But when it comes to the actual matter of kicking you out, they hesitate. Do they really want to confront a horde of psychopathic geese and their unhinged summoner?

No. No, they don't.

Which is why they vanish.

The Akatsuki organisation splinters apart around you like a dropped plate...and quietly reforms somewhere else. It takes months for Deidara to stop flinching at the sound of honking.

AO3 | Other Blogs: Bungo Stray Dogs | BNHA | Bleach | JJK

[konoha-forbidden-scrolls]

Now I desperately need to know! What/who is the Mother Goose??

Rage, geese, rage!

So, you know how Naruto can summon Gamabunta? Well, the Mother Goose is the Goose-nin's equivalent to Gamabunta. Imagine a goose as big as a tower, as big as a mountain. Now fill that goose with homicidal rage.

That's the Mother Goose.

The Mother Goose is a natural disaster on webbed feet. The Mother Goose is a horror beyond mortal comprehension.

[konoha-forbidden-scrolls]

I have a feeling it'd be a lot of fun being in a FWB situation with Anko. What would it be like for her to have a FWB relationship with a fellow kunoichi?

Ooh, I love Anko! Great request!

Characters: Anko Mitarashi

Contents: afab!reader, friends with benefits, angst, NSFW

Anko Mitarashi

Our favourite dango babe has never really done dating. Not only is she busy as a tokubetsu jounin, her personality also tends to put a lot of people off. She's brash, loud, impulsive, and violent—not everyone wants to be attacked with a kunai for sneaking a skewer of her dango.

In addition, despite her loud, outgoing nature, Anko is deeply conscious that many people still view her as Orochimaru's protegee, and that some will tar her with the same brush. She was his student, she still has his Cursed Seal. Even if the Hokage trusts her implicitly, people will still whisper and wonder if she's still working for the snake sannin.

Anko's devil-may-care, in-your-face personality could be seen as a defense mechanism, and the idea of letting her walls down enough to open her heart to a relationship? Difficult for any shinobi, but doubly so for Anko.

But will she fuck? Yeah, she'll fuck.

Friends with benefits relationships are pretty common amongst seasoned shinobi, even if they're not discussed openly. If you could die any time a mission takes you out of the village, then who can blame you for wanting to enjoy being alive while you still can? Not everyone wants to wait for the perfect person to come along, and shinobi carry a lot of stress that needs an outlet.

A few of your colleagues raised eyebrows the first time Anko crashed your dinner plans to ask what you were doing later and if they included doing her. But, that was mostly over your choice of horizontal sparring partner, than the fact you were hooking up with someone.

"You're...with her?"

"Good luck. Hope she doesn't choke you with a snake or anything."

This kind of ribbing is par for the course amongst shinobi, so you don't make too much of it. Anko's definitely not to everyone's tastes, but she suits yours just fine.

There's no kinky snake stuff like your friends were teasing you about, but Anko's appetite is voracious. Pre-arranged meet-up times and chatting over dinner before going back to your place for a fumble really doesn't work for her. When she wants something, she wants it now.

This means it's not uncommon for Anko to come in through the window whenever you're on any kind of desk duty, climbing over your paperwork to get into your lap, or, more importantly, your pants.

No greeting, no explanation, just Anko coming in hot and heavy, as horny as if she's been grinding on your thigh for an hour, rather than just for thirty seconds. She doesn't care if there's a risk of someone coming in. That just adds a little extra thrill, as far as she's concerned.

It's not just desk duty where she corners you. Anko will find you while you're training and hustle you into the trees so she can help you with your "stealth training"—a.k.a trying not to cry out and alert everyone within the vicinity that Anko has two fingers buried deep in you while she licks your clit like its drizzled in dango syrup.

If anything, you two usually end up going for dinner and drinks after you've gotten tangled and sweaty, grabbing something hot and tasty along with some beers.

Anko works hard, fucks hard, and parties hard. You never have to worry about life being dull when she crashes into your day and tosses aside work, chores, clothes. It's not just the benefits part, however—she makes a good friend, even if her advice is caustically blunt and usually boils down to "Just kill the guy and make it look like an accident."

If you want things to progress beyond friends with benefits, you're gonna have to be the one to suggest it. For all her boldness, Anko will never be the one to ask for more, because deep down, she fears that she's not enough, even though she's more than enough.

It's not all rapid-fire sex and wild nights out. Anko secretly clings to the moments of softness between all that. Like when you're lying next to each other in the sheets or in the grass, sweat cooling on your skin. The borderline-domestic vibes when you're rifling through your cupboards for something to eat and she's laughing at the novelty mug one of your teammates got you when you were a genin. When you throw your arm over her in your sleep and pull her closer, as if she belongs next to you.

AO3 | Other Blogs: Bungo Stray Dogs | BNHA | Bleach | JJK

[konoha-forbidden-scrolls]

Context: We were discussing the big Google data breach and changing passwords when @amostimprobabledream hit me with inspo for Bored IT Guy!Shikamaru. 😂

Bonus: