Unethical
Divider by @90sphonecharm
Song Fic Based on Faouzia's "Unethical"
Vertigo in your arms One second you hate me, then it's false alarm That's just what you always do, every time Watch me when I break and say it's paradise
When you first met Kankurō, you were thirteen years old during the Chūnin Exams.
And honestly?
You hated him.
At least, that was what you told yourself.
He was loud, arrogant, and carried himself with the kind of confidence that made you want to knock him down a few pegs. He acted like he was untouchable, like everyone around him was simply another obstacle in his way.
And maybe that was what bothered you most.
Not his attitude.
Not his insults.
But the fact that you couldn't understand him.
He had entered your village and immediately antagonized everyone around him. He had tormented Konohamaru, provoked Sasuke, and treated Team 7 as though they were nothing more than children playing at being shinobi.
It didn't make sense.
Because there was something in his eyes that contradicted everything he showed the world.
You saw it only briefly.
The way his attention always drifted toward Gaara.
The way he positioned himself between danger and his siblings without hesitation.
The way he watched.
Always watching.
But at thirteen, you didn't know how to recognize that as fear.
You only knew how to recognize it as arrogance.
And then you faced him in the Forest of Death.
________________________________________________________
Your team had been lucky enough to obtain an Earth scroll early, but luck in the Forest of Death was never something you trusted.
You knew better than anyone that things could change in a second.
And they did.
One moment, your team was moving carefully through the trees.
The next, you were staring down Kankurō and his puppets.
Your teammates barely had time to react before you shoved the scroll into their hands.
"Go."
They argued.
You ignored them.
Because you knew.
Your Sound Release was powerful, but it was not limitless.
Your chakra traveled through your vocal cords, amplifying every note, every frequency, every vibration until your voice became something far more dangerous than sound alone.
But Kankurō was smart.
Too smart.
The first time your voice struck one of his puppets, you saw the realization flash across his face.
He understood.
He was learning.
And that terrified you.
Every pulse through your throat burned more than the last. Your voice grew rougher, weaker, until every sound felt like it was tearing itself out of you.
And still, you fought.
Because that was what shinobi did.
You lasted longer than he expected.
Long enough for your voice to cut through the battlefield and leave him injured.
Long enough for him to finally take you seriously.
But not long enough to win.
By the end, your hand was broken.
Your throat was raw.
And you were left with the memory of his eyes looking down at you.
Not triumphant.
Not cruel.
Almost conflicted.
You hated that most.
You hated that even after hurting you, he looked like he regretted it.
Because it made him harder to hate.
____________________________________________________
You were proven right about him when the invasion began.
The Sand had attacked your home.
Kankurō was one of them.
And whatever small part of you wondered if there was more to him disappeared beneath the reality of war.
He was an enemy.
That was easier.
Enemies were simple.
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Set my body aflame Lock me up and close the door when it rains Maybe it's my fault, I put you up so high Darling, I think you could make the Devil cry
When Sasuke left the village, everything changed.
The world felt unstable.
Friends became enemies.
Enemies became allies.
And somehow, your path crossed with his again.
Despite failing the Chūnin Exams, Lady Tsunade recognized your abilities and promoted you anyway.
Your Sound Release was rare.
Your control over chakra was impressive.
And more importantly, your ability to communicate with other villages made you valuable.
You became a bridge between people who still carried years of distrust.
Which was how you found yourself standing beside the very person you once swore you hated.
Kankurō.
This time, he wasn't attacking you.
This time, he was helping.
You didn't know what to do with that.
Because it was easier when he was cruel.
Easier when he was just another Sand shinobi.
It was much harder when he was laughing with Kiba.
Much harder when he was joking with Shikamaru.
Much harder when you caught him looking at you.
You noticed.
You hated that you noticed.
His sister didn't stay long, and neither did he.
But before he left, you felt his eyes follow you.
Every time you stepped into the room.
Every time you spoke.
Every time you laughed.
Your chest tightened.
Your face warmed.
And you immediately told yourself you were imagining it.
Because Kankurō wasn't looking at you.
He couldn't be.
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And I've been waiting for the sunset Waiting on a sorry But you're never sorry, are you? No, you don't even care How can you stand and watch
Lady Tsunade sent you to Sunagakure soon after Gaara had become the Fifth Kazekage, as a sign of goodwill between the two villages.
If only you’d felt it as goodwill then.
It was one thing to stand before a new leader and offer congratulations. It was another thing entirely when your body still remembered the sound of wooden puppets moving behind you, the pressure of chakra strings tightening, and the pain of a broken hand caused by the person you were now expected to work beside.
Every time Kankurō stepped within a few feet of you, your shoulders tensed before you could stop them.
You hated that.
You hated that your body remembered him as a threat before your mind could remind it that he was different now.
But what you could admit was that the sunset over the dunes was beautiful.
There was something almost unfair about Sunagakure.
The village that had once represented invasion and fear was now painted in shades of gold every evening. The same sands that had once felt like an enemy territory now looked almost peaceful.
Gaara’s apologies had gone over well enough in Konoha. You had felt the sincerity behind them.
You believed him.
But part of you always waited for the possibility of an apology from Kankurō.
Not because you expected him to beg forgiveness.
Not because you wanted him to feel guilty forever.
You simply wanted him to acknowledge that it had hurt.
That your fear had been real.
That the girl he fought in the Forest of Death had been more than an opponent.
The breaking of your hand had not been necessary during the Chūnin Exams, and even years later, a small part of you remained bitter about it.
You told yourself it was because you were stubborn.
Because you held grudges.
But maybe it was because some part of you wanted proof that he saw you.
That you mattered.
The apology never came.
But the joint missions did.
For some reason, every time there was a possible assignment between Konoha and Suna, your name seemed to appear beside his.
At first, you assumed it was coincidence.
Then you started wondering if he had something to do with it.
And that thought alone was enough to irritate you.
________________________________________________________
The longer you spent around him, the harder it became to hold onto the image of him you had created.
Because Kankurō was frustratingly human.
You noticed the way his entire expression changed when he spoke about Gaara.
You noticed how he always watched Temari enter a room before relaxing.
You noticed how he served himself last during meals, waiting until everyone else’s plate was filled completely before touching his own.
You noticed how, despite all his complaints and dramatic sighs, he never hesitated when either of them needed him.
His siblings were his entire world.
And that softened something inside you.
Only slightly.
The arrogant exterior remained.
The teasing remained.
The annoying comments remained.
But now you saw the reason behind them.
The jokes were easier than admitting he was afraid.
The confidence was easier than admitting he cared.
___________________________________________________________
Until the first time you nearly died.
You had pushed yourself too far.
You always did.
Your Sound Release required control, precision, and an immense amount of chakra. The stronger your technique became, the more dangerous it was to your own body.
Your voice had always been both your greatest weapon and your greatest weakness.
And that day, you had pushed it past its limit.
You remembered the ringing in your ears.
The burning in your throat.
The way your knees nearly gave out beneath you.
And then Kankurō was there.
He moved before you even realized you were in danger.
A kunai meant for you never reached you.
Because he took the risk first.
Because he stepped in without hesitation.
And when you looked at him afterward, you saw something you had never expected.
Fear.
Not for himself.
For you.
For the possibility that he could have been too late.
That was the first time you truly saw him.
Not the Sand shinobi.
Not the puppet user.
Not Gaara’s older brother.
Just Kankurō.
A little afraid.
A little broken.
And caring more than he ever let anyone know.
___________________________________________________________
I don't know what it is Got me wrapped around your cold fingertips Maybe it's my fault I can't walk away Maybe I just started feeling a little shame
After two years of constant back and forth, you had stopped pretending you didn’t care about Kankurō.
You had stopped pretending you didn’t look forward to missions with him.
Stopped pretending you didn’t notice when his voice softened only around you.
Stopped pretending his rare moments of sincerity didn’t mean more than they should.
You had spent countless nights beside him during missions.
Cold nights where the desert temperature dropped enough that sharing warmth was a necessity.
Long nights after battles where one of you had to patch up the other despite neither of you being particularly skilled at caring for injuries.
His hands were always rough from puppet maintenance.
Your throat was always sore from pushing your techniques too far.
Both of you were terrible at admitting when you needed help.
Somehow, that made you understand each other.
Eventually, the joint missions stopped feeling like assignments.
They became requests.
You wanted him.
He wanted you.
And that realization should have terrified you.
Instead, it made you happier than you wanted to admit.
Because for once, someone needed you for something other than what you could provide.
He didn’t need your voice.
He didn’t need your abilities.
He just wanted you.
And you felt ashamed by how much that mattered.
The warmth spreading through your chest.
The way your stomach fluttered when he smiled.
The way being near him made you feel like you could survive anything.
At fifteen, his touch made your heart race.
His laughter became something you wanted to collect.
Something you wanted to hear even on the worst days.
And when Lady Tsunade ordered you back to Konoha, leaving Sunagakure felt less like returning home and more like leaving a piece of yourself behind.
A simple kiss goodbye should not have meant so much.
But it did.
Because suddenly, you wanted more.
More mornings beside him.
More arguments.
More missions.
More of Kankurō.
___________________________________________________________
Oh, I've been waiting for the sunset Waiting on a sorry But you're never sorry, are you? No, you don't even care How can you stand and watch?
You’d been exchanging letters for months.
At first, they were easy.
Light.
Almost childish.
You’d tell him about the smallest things—the weather in Konoha, the missions you’d gone on, the ridiculous things your teammates had done. He would complain about Temari being unbearable, about Gaara working too much, about how everyone in Suna somehow expected him to be the responsible one despite him insisting he wasn’t.
You would smile every time a letter arrived.
You hated how quickly you recognized his handwriting.
You hated how much your entire day could change because of a few pieces of paper.
And you hated how much you missed him.
Sometimes, when Temari visited Konoha, you would talk her ear off about him.
She pretended to be annoyed.
You knew better.
She always smiled when she realized how happy he made you.
But you hadn’t been back to Sunagakure yet.
It wasn’t like you hadn’t tried.
You had.
You had counted the days.
You had planned.
You had imagined the moment you would finally see him again—not through a mission, not surrounded by other shinobi, not with an objective hanging over both of your heads.
Just him.
Just you.
But something always happened.
You’d plan for him to come to Konoha, and then Gaara would need him.
A political meeting.
A security issue.
A responsibility that couldn’t wait.
And you understood.
That was the worst part.
You always understood.
Then you’d try to go to Sunagakure, and the same thing would happen.
Gaara needed him.
The village needed him.
Someone always needed Kankurō.
And you never wanted to be the person who asked him not to help.
So instead, you settled for glimpses.
A passing look in the middle of a mission.
A brief conversation before he was called away.
A moment where your fingers brushed against each other before reality interrupted.
And somehow, being close hurt worse than being apart.
Because at least distance allowed you to miss him.
Being near him reminded you that you still couldn’t have him.
Your letters changed slowly.
You didn’t even notice at first.
The excitement faded.
The words became heavier.
You stopped telling him when you were upset because you already knew what he would say.
“Next time.”
He always promised.
Next time, he would visit.
Next time, he would make it up to you.
Next time, things would be different.
But when next time arrived, something else always took its place.
And the response you always gave became automatic.
“It’s okay.”
Even when it wasn’t.
Because you weren’t official.
Because you had never asked him to choose you.
Because you knew what kind of person Kankurō was.
You knew he would always choose the people he loved.
You just never realized that sometimes meant you would be the person left behind.
__________________________________________________________
And I've been waiting for the sunset Waiting on a sorry But you're never sorry, are you? No, you don't even care How can you stand and watch?
The year passed.
And somehow, the space between you grew larger despite the fact that your feelings never did.
By the time the Fourth Shinobi War began, the letters had become shorter.
Less frequent.
Almost like both of you were afraid of what would happen if you said too much.
You moved to Sunagakure temporarily during the war.
You told yourself it was because the alliance needed cooperation between villages.
And it did.
But a small part of you knew the truth.
You wanted to be near him again.
And for a while, it almost felt like things were going back to how they used to be.
Almost.
Physically, you and Kankurō had grown closer.
The friendship had blurred into something neither of you named.
Kisses.
Long embraces.
Falling asleep beside each other after exhausting missions and days because neither of you had the energy to pretend you didn’t want to.
Small moments stolen between responsibilities.
But even then...
You never truly had all of him.
You had pieces.
The Kankurō who laughed with you.
The Kankurō who held your hand when you were afraid.
The Kankurō who looked at you like you were something precious.
But there was always another part of him somewhere else.
With Gaara.
With Suna.
With the war.
And when you eventually had to leave to fight, he let you go.
No argument.
No hesitation.
No promise that he would come after you.
You told yourself it was because he trusted you.
But a quieter part of you wondered if it was because he already knew where he would go if he had to choose.
And you were tired of pretending that didn’t hurt.
______________________________________________________________
Breakin' all my bones, tryin' to hold you close Cut my heart right out my body Tearing off my skin, just to let you in Isn't it a bit unethical? Got me on my knees, have you any mercy? Every time you hurt me, baby Tell me, have I not given you enough? If you ever loved me, let me go
Burning.
The flames were hotter than you expected.
You had known what you were doing.
That was the worst part.
There had been no mistake.
No accident.
No one else could have made that decision for you.
You had chosen.
The enemy was too close to the refugee camps.
Too close to the Allied Shinobi Forces.
Too much was at stake.
So you used the one thing you had always carried with you.
Your voice.
Your chakra.
Yourself.
The explosion should have been the end.
You had accepted that.
______________________________________________________
But somehow...
You woke up.
Sunagakure.
A hospital.
Pain.
That was all you knew at first.
Your body felt unfamiliar.
Burns covered you.
Your face.
Your throat.
Places that had once defined you now felt like reminders of everything you had lost.
Your right side burned constantly.
Your voice—the thing that had always been yours—felt broken.
And then you realized someone was there.
Kankurō.
Sitting beside you.
Close enough that you could reach him.
Too far away to touch.
For a moment, relief filled your chest.
Because he came.
Because he was there.
Because maybe this time...
Maybe this time you wouldn’t have to ask.
With every bit of strength you had left, you reached for him.
Not asking him to stay.
Not asking him to abandon anyone.
Just asking him to see you.
And he looked down.
At your hand.
At your face.
At what remained of the person he knew.
And then he looked away.
It was only a moment.
A hesitation.
A choice made without words.
But it shattered something inside you.
Your throat tightened.
Your tears only fell from your left eye.
Your right eye, covered and damaged, still felt like the flames were burning beneath your skin.
And for the first time in years...
You stopped telling yourself it was okay.
___________________________________________________________
Let me go I'll let you go If you let me go Let me go
When you were healed enough to leave Sunagakure, you did.
No note.
No goodbye.
No final conversation where either of you could pretend there was something left to save.
You simply left in the middle of the night.
Back to Konoha.
The damage to your body was enough that you could have medically retired.
A part of you wanted to.
A part of you wanted to disappear.
But you stayed.
You rebuilt yourself.
You learned how to fight differently.
How to use your voice without destroying it.
How to exist without being someone's shield.
Just without Kankurō.
Time moved forward.
Slowly at first.
Then all at once.
You watched your friends find the people they loved.
You watched relationships that once seemed impossible become forever.
And you smiled.
You truly did.
But sometimes, when you saw someone reach for someone else without hesitation, there was a bitterness that returned.
A reminder.
A question you never allowed yourself to ask.
Why wasn’t it you?
________________________________________________________
At twenty, you watched Naruto marry Hinata.
You watched everyone celebrate love.
And you stood there quietly.
Avoiding the Sand siblings the entire night.
Because some wounds healed.
Others simply became easier to hide.
___________________________________________________________
And I've been waiting for the sunset Waiting on a sorry (let me go) But you're never sorry, are you? (I'll let you go) No, you don't even care (if you let me go) How can you stand and watch?
The years passed.
Youth became something you remembered rather than something you lived.
You became a teacher alongside Shino.
You found purpose again.
You found happiness again.
But some scars stayed.
Not just the ones on your skin.
The ones beneath it.
So you painted over them.
Flowers.
Swirling patterns.
Something beautiful over something painful.
Something that made your students see art instead of damage.
Something that made strangers look away instead of stare.
You told yourself it was for them.
Maybe part of it was.
But maybe part of it was for yourself.
Because every time you saw the scars, you remembered the girl you had been.
The girl who loved Kankurō so much she forgot she was allowed to be hurt.
Walking through the newer areas of Konoha, you felt eyes on you.
You turned.
And your eyes landed on your student.
Shikadai.
And beside him...
A man you had not seen in years.
A man you had tried very hard not to remember.
Still wearing his own face paint.
Kankurō.
And suddenly...
You were thirteen again.
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Breakin' all my bones, tryin' to hold you close Cut my heart right out my body Tearing off my skin, just to let you in Isn't it a bit unethical? Got me on my knees, have you any mercy? Every time you hurt me, baby Tell me, have I not given you enough? If you ever loved me, let me go
He never meant to let her go.
That was the part that hurt the most.
Because Kankurō knew what it meant to lose someone.
He knew what it meant to be afraid.
He knew what it meant to love someone so much that losing them felt impossible.
But he had spent his entire life choosing Gaara.
Not because Gaara mattered more.
Because Gaara needed him in a way nobody else did.
And somewhere along the way, he convinced himself she understood.
That she was strong enough.
That she would always be there.
But looking at her now...
Thirty-three years old.
Covered in flowers painted over scars he knew he had a part in creating.
He finally understood.
She had never asked him to stop loving Gaara.
She had only wanted him to love her without making her beg for pieces of him.
And standing there, years later, he realized the cruelest thing of all.
He had spent his life protecting people from being hurt.
And he had never noticed the person hurting herself just to stay close to him.
A/N: Yes I already know the meaning behind the song, but I kept having these thoughts for Kankuro with this song before I knew.
