Oct 23, 2024
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Lotus Pier BDSM Dungeon, but Jiang Cheng has no idea.
The cultivator bows dramatically, eyes wide with fake terror.
“Ah! Sect Leader Jiang! I can feel… the demonic energy taking me over! Please—you must save me!”
Jiang Cheng narrows his eyes. “Mr. Wang. This is the fifth time this month.”
Mr. Wang thrashes very unconvincingly. “It’s spreading, Sect Leader! Only your noble whip can drive it out!”
The disciples in the corner exchange looks. One coughs loudly into his sleeve to hide a laugh.
Jiang Cheng sighs, raises Zidian, and crack!—the purple lightning snaps across Mr. Wang’s arm.
The man lets out a sound that is absolutely not pain.
Wei Wuxian would’ve choked to death laughing.
Jiang Cheng pinches the bridge of his nose. “The next person who gets possessed is paying for their own medical fees.”
Meanwhile, outside Lotus Pier, a line of “possessed” locals is already forming, gossiping eagerly:
“He zapped me three times last week.”
“Lucky! I only got one.”
“Do you think if I start chanting resentful energy louder, he’ll tie me up too?”
And thus, without meaning to, Sect Leader Jiang created the hottest BDSM hotspot in Yunmeng.
—
Lan Wangji arrives at Lotus Pier on routine sect business. The first thing he notices: a queue of Yunmeng citizens stretching out the gate. All muttering things like, “Ugh, I think the demonic qi is back,” while adjusting their collars like they’re about to a nightclub.
Lan Wangji blinks once. Then twice.
Inside, Jiang Cheng is mid-swing with Zidian, muttering, “This is ridiculous,” as another man writhes dramatically and yells, “Oh nooo, Sect Leader Jiang, smite me harder!”
Lan Wangji just… stops. He stares. Longer than usual.
Jiang Cheng snaps Zidian back and scowls. “What? What are you looking at?”
Lan Wangji: “…Cultivation method… unconventional.”
The ‘possessed’ man on the floor is still panting, cheeks red. “Best exorcism I’ve ever had…”
Jiang Cheng: “GET OUT.”
There’s a long silence. Then, very softly Lan Wangji says, “…Effective.”
Jiang Cheng flushes. “It’s NOT effective, they’re all faking it! Every last one!”
Lan Wangji just tilts his head, eyes narrowing ever so slightly. Something unreadable flickers across his expression before he says:
“Mn.”
And walks out.
Jiang Cheng spends the rest of the day fuming, wondering what the hell “Mn” meant.
Meanwhile, in the Cloud Recesses, Lan Wangji has a moment he will never admit to anyone.
—
Wei Wuxian bursts into Lotus Pier a few days later, full of wine and curiosity.
“Nie-xiong told me the funniest rumor,” he grins, draping himself across a chair. “Apparently your sect is running a… how do I put it… lightning therapy service? Very hands-on, very popular with the locals.”
Jiang Cheng nearly chokes on his tea. “WHAT—”
Wei Wuxian leans in, eyes sparkling. “They say you’ve got people lining up to be whipped. And you’re just—zap zap zap—like some kind of purple lightning god of pleasure.”
“OUT!” Jiang Cheng barks, face redder than Zidian’s glow.
Wei Wuxian ignores him, of course. “No wonder Lan Zhan has been so quiet lately. You know, every time I mention your name now, he looks off into the distance and goes ‘mn.’ Very suspicious. Should I be jealous?”
Lan Wangji, who is standing stoically in the corner, blinks once. He says nothing. The tips of his ears are very slightly pink.
Wei Wuxian gasps dramatically, clutching his chest. “Ohhh, so it’s true! My dear Lan Zhan, struck dumb by the sight of Jiang Cheng and his mighty whip!”
Jiang Cheng: visibly combusting “I WILL KILL YOU.”
Wei Wuxian: “But you can’t kill me, Jiang Cheng, because then who will advertise your new side business? I’m already thinking of a name: Lotus Pier’s Lightning Spa! Satisfaction guaranteed or your resentful energy back!”
At this point, Jiang Cheng actually draws Zidian, but Wei Wuxian just laughs and runs for his life, shouting behind him:
“First session free for brothers-in-law!!”
Lan Wangji, very quietly, under his breath: “…Mn.”
—
Lan Wangji: HuaiSang, can I ask you for some advice?
Nie HuaiSang (who has never been asked for advice by anyone in his entire lifetime): Yes, yes, please! Ahem, I mean, please proceed.
Lan Wangji: What is an appropriate way to express your interest in someone?
Nie HuaiSang (choking on his spit): Eh? What? You mean romantic interest? Or like you want to follow the progression of their career in a completely platonic way sort of interest?
Lan Wangji:....
Lan Wangji: Never mind. Thank you.
Nie HuaiSang: No, no, come back, come back!
Later,
Wei Wuxian: Hey, A-Cheng!
Jiang Cheng: Fuck offffff!
Wei Wuxian: No, this is serious. Do you think the Lans are canibals?
Jiang Cheng: Whaat? What are you yapping about?
Wei Wuxian: Because just now Lan Wangji told me I looked like a snack!
Not to be dramatic, but SVSSS ruined me. I will never be the same. It manages to be so profoundly heartbreaking but hysterical at the same time. This book is the definition of "crack treated seriously" and that's exactly what I needed.
Water demon
Behold, the water demon!!
I always found it hilarious, in the very tense, very atmospheric scene of the night hunt where Wei Wuxian and friends are invited to participate...
And the actually frightful monster underwater is...
HAIR
A whooooole lot of loose hair!!! Swimming all by itself, tangling deadly on the poor fishermen and drowning the population...
Yes, yes, I know it's supposed to be algae or something like that. But can you blame me thinking it's hair when... Do you see everyone's heads in these series??
Someone is combing those lush locks, and getting a whole lot of loose hairs that need to be thrown out of the house, so I wouldn't be surprised if most of those end up in the lakes and rivers...
When your love language is making animal sacrifices to the lover like some fucked up god appeasing ritual
We can all agree that aroace king Jiang Wanyin is Wangxian hater #1 because he's so done with these hyper-sexual allos' shit. It's affecting his blood pressure. He just wants to live in peace and what's worse than all is that he can't go to his dear jiejie because Xuanli are so sweet is sickening. They get a pass because they gave him Jin Ling, tho.
Our dear Jiang Cheng is not the only one terrorized by amatonormativity, tho, because guess what? Xiyao hater #1 Nie Mingjue is just as aroace and just as done as him. So, it just makes sense for them to end up commiserating together about all the sex-crazed people in their life.
Maybe it happens after 3zun and Wangxian + JC meet at some activity where both NMJ and JC are so fucking done with the lovebirds. They are doing everything wrong in the pursuit of their disgusting lovesick shenanigans, ruining what was supposed to be a peaceful and enjoyable experience for them. And then, when the two trios meet and JC and NMJ have a moment (kind of like the romcom cliché for instant love) they decide to ditch the annoying lovebirds.
They are happy now that they can hate everyone in peace and do their thing and rage about shit while Xiyao and Wangxian in the back (mainly LXC and WWX) are super excited bc they think they have made the ship of the century happen.