all falls down - soapghost
Simon is spiralling. Spiralling down, down, down. Knows it will hurt when he hits the bottom. Knows he might not be the same afterwards. Knows he might not get up again.
He feels too angry at himself to even bother to try and take his antidepressants. So he hides. Hides from Captain Price behind his flat tone and balaclava. Doesn't even snap at Gaz when he pisses him off. And Johnny? Doesn't look at him, doesn't talk to him, doesn't acknowledge him. If he did, he might be found out.
He always knows. Knows when Simon is there mentally, and if he's not, you could bet Johnny knew where he was. Knows when Simon is struggling. He's gotten too good at reading Simon's eyes, at reading his tone. It's a terrifying feeling, to be known. Simon hates it.
So when Johnny corners him in the barracks, Simon wants to run. Wants to make up an excuse, wants to bolt. But Johnny, as always, knows. He blocks the door. He could push him out of the way, could knock him down. But that would confirm everything he wanted to know.
"Alright, LT?" He asks, his voice soft, coaxing, Scottish accent in full tilt. That's when Simon knows he's been caught.
"Alright, Sergeant." He hates it. Hates the way his voice shakes. He needs to leave.
Johnny approached him, sitting on his cot next to him. He radiates warmth, radiates safety. "Want to talk about it, then?" Simon doesn't want it. Doesn't want anything to do with it. He doesn't want to be seen, doesn't want to he heard.
"No. I don't." Simon bites out. He never will. But he crumbles when a warm arm winds around his shoulders.
"You don't have to talk about it. But I want you to know that I wasn't born yesterday. I know when something's wrong." His hand rubs up and down Simon's arm, and he wants to yell. Wants to tell him to step off, that they were just colleagues and he ought to mind his own.
Instead he leans onto his Sergeant's shoulder, his eyes refusing to meet the gentle blue ones so close to him. Lets himself be held. "You're a nosy wanker." His voice is too quiet to be threatening.
"Sure am, LT. If being nosy gets you to talk to me, I won't mind it." Simon feels a familiar sting in his nose and eyes. He panics, pushing away from the warm body. He wants to hide. Instead he covers his face. This can't be him. He is stronger than this, than the grown man who starts crying like a baby because another man gives him a little hug.
Warm hands take his, pull them away. They reach for his balaclava and gently, so gently, pull it off and let his weakness be shown to the world. It's all he can do to growl a warning, angrily wiping at his red, teary eyes. "Johnny."
"Simon." Warm hands touch his face, then. Wipe away his tears with none of the ferocity he had. He'd rather have been punched in the gut. At least then he would know what to do. This is new. Too new. Makes his skin crawl. Makes his heart skip a beat. He's convinced he's going to die.
"Look at me. You haven't looked at me once since I got here." It's more of an order than a request. Simon raises his eyes to meet his.
"You're scaring me, LT. Tell me what's going on so I can help you. I won't let you tell me you're fine. You'll say you're fine until the day I lose you to your own mind." He takes a breath, runs a hand through his hair.
"Give up on me." The silence after he says it is deafening. Simon is falling apart. Even as he sits in silence, he is falling apart. It startles him when he's brought into strong arms. Startles him more when he feels wet on his neck. His Sergeant is crying. Why? Why is he crying?
"Don't you dare tell me to give up on you. We're a team." His voice is soft, shaky.
"I don't want to be a team." He mumbles. "I never did. I work the best alone."
"Listen to me, LT. I don't care what things were like before I met you. But they're not going to go back to the way they were. You try to run away from me, I'll chase you down and drag you back. You're not too bright if you think this is a choice." He entwines their hands, pressing a kiss to Simon's knuckles. Simon feels like perhaps he's dreaming.
"Why? Why are you acting like this?"
"Because you and I are better together." He looked him in the eyes. "I want you to take your antidepressants. Stop skipping out on them. If I need to watch you take them, I will."
Simon wonders vaguely how he knows. But he always knows. So he gives up on that line of thinking.
"Fine."
"Thank you. Let's get you one, yeah?" He pats Simon's shoulder. "I need you in top condition."
So Simon took it.
"Thanks, LT." And with that, he's gone. If later Simon finds his way into Johnny's bed because the voices in his head got too loud, that's his business.
