#meltdown cw

[gillipopmoji-archived]

[fletcherwilbury]

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

@whumptober Day 15: Suppressed Suffering + "I'm fine."

Warning for Physical combat, physical abuse, verbal abuse, overworking, exhaustion, meltdown, chronic pain

[hereforthehurts]

This is an ask/prompt from @drabbles-of-writing (check them out !!) and i feel the need to write something about it so here's a ficlet about Amity getting a meltdown at the Noceda Household and is VERY surprised that she's handled with care instead (as she should). So erhmn Odalia should either take notes or give me custody over her children yknow what i mean 😁

...............................................

Amity panics over the crash before it even happens.

She could see it from the corner of her eyes, that Luz was unknowingly pushing a glass bowl to the edge of the kitchen counter - a very big and fragile glass bowl - and she should tell her to be careful and stop pushing it but the fear grips on her like a knife driven through her heart and her words wouldn’t come out no matter how hard she tries to speak.

Eda was the one who spoke first. “Luz, be care - “

Amity held on to her whisk and bowl so hard her knuckles turned white. The bowl ends up shattered on the floor with a loud crash sound, and her instincts instantly screams at her to fight or run, fight or run, run -

“She didn’t mean it,” she wants to yell. She wanted to shield herself over Luz so that Luz doesn’t have to get hurt , but her controls were lost, she couldn’t make herself move or speak as if she was being forcefully stripped off her body and locked out of it. All she could do was to watch Luz stare at the broken glass pieces for a couple of seconds before muttering, “oops, sorry.”

Amity braces herself for the yelling, the beating, the cold comment on how clumsy and reckless she was. She can’t believe this - this was supposed to be a good day! They were all baking cookies in Luz’s kitchen and having the time of their lives, before - before -

“ Mija , step away from the shards and let me see you - are you hurt?”

… What?

They never came.

Amity slowly lets herself open her eyes, hands still clutching on the whisk and bowl. Camila carefully inches around the broken glass shards and goes over to examine her daughter, and there’s concern written all over her face instead of annoyance or anger. And Luz? Luz giggled.

“Mom, I’m okay,” the girl says, but lets her mother flip her head around gently anyway. “I’m sorry about the bowl, though.”

“It was my fault,” Eda dismisses, grabbing a mop and a plastic bag. “I shouldn’t have put the bowl so close to the edge, my bad. Let me clean this up real quick.”

“Ah, get over it, you two - it’s just a bowl,” Camila shakes her head and smiles, ushering Luz to get away from the shards. “Now c’mon, those cookies aren’t going to make themselves!”

Amity’s ears were ringing as the rather cheerful conversation continued. She could barely recognize what it is that she’s feeling - confusion? Shock? Fear? It’s all too much. It’s all just too much and it feels like someone was tightening a rope around her chest and -

“Amity?”

The voices sound so far away.

“Amity!”

She couldn’t - she couldn’t breathe, couldn’t speak, couldn’t -

“ Amity!”

Someone places a hand on her shoulder, gently shaking her. “Hey, kid? Cam, give me a hand here, what’s - ?”

The bowl was taken away from her, so is the whisk - shit, did she do something wrong? Did she? Her hands were empty and it felt like there’s fire ants crawling inside her veins and she didn’t know what to do, so she did the next best thing she knew - she hit herself on the head hard, hoping that it’ll help her regain control of her own body.

“Hey, hey hey, don’t - don’t do that, sweetheart, ” the voice that’s speaking to her sounds so soft and caring and it couldn’t be real. It couldn’t be. There’s supposed to be yelling, there’s supposed to be - “Amity? Amity, deep breaths.”

Her chest hurts. Hot tears roll off her eyes without her permission, and she shouldn’t be crying, not in front of - stop! A pair of hands gently restrains her from hitting herself again, and she thinks this is it, this is it, she’s going to -

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” the hands squeezed on her arms, firm but gentle, and she oddly finds some sense of comfort in that. “Come sit down, yeah? Breathe, mija, you’re alright.” They - Camila - leads her to sit down on the couch and squeezes her arms, then her shoulders. “Is it okay if I give you a hug?”

She gave her a slight nod. Why is she hugging her? Isn’t this a bad thing? The arms wrapped around her body and gave her a firm hug and Amity sobs out of the fear and confusion of it all. Camila slowly starts rocking her back and forth while stroking her hair and this - this must be how it feels to be cared for, to be understood - this must be how it feels to be loved.

It feels weird and out of place - she feels like a dirty, filthy thing, undeserved of love, especially not with how terrible she had acted, ruining the afternoon and bothering them with her so-called tantrums. But Camila held her with such care instead of force and Luz and Eda stood on her side with concern on their faces instead of annoyance and she thinks maybe, she deserved to be treated like this after all. Maybe , as the word mi amor - which means my love, Luz had told her - was spoken to her softly over and over, maybe she could start getting used to be loved.

[genderqueerpositivity]

Being increasingly visibly trans in public is both exciting and intimidating.

Being visibly neurodivergent and autistic in public is kind of scary.

And both together is slightly terrifying.

I had a meltdown in a very public place yesterday morning, it was pretty bad. It wasn't violent or loud, but it was a definite loss of control and composure. I'm slowly recovering from that.

I can't help wondering what I looked like to the people who saw me. That wasn't the first meltdown I've had in a public place, and even though that isn't super common for me it probably won't be the last.

I have had enough public meltdowns though to know I haven't truly feared for my safety as a neurodivergent person who was read as a woman. (I'm white and that has to be a factor in that too.)

But afterwards yesterday, I realized that I am afraid for my safety now. And I'm just glad that I wasn't alone when it happened and that I was able to get through the situation and get out of the place without serious incident.

Now I'm afraid of what will happen when/if I no longer can pass for a cis woman at all? How many people will take my visible neurodivergence plus transness and masculinity as a potential danger?

What happens if I have a meltdown at work again now? Will I still be seen as over-emotional, or will I be seen as threatening?

The more visibly trans I become, the more masking my autistic traits feels absolutely necessary and required.

[concerningwolves]

Hum yes everyone can wear a mask. If you dont want to just dont leave your house. You put everyone in danger by not wearing it. And you completely deserve to be shamed by it

I am wondering if your response is because of the difference in laws across countries re: pandemic restrictions. Or maybe it's ignorance. Or ableism. Or because I was extremely tired last night and struggling to put my feelings into words, so my intended meaning got lost. Whatever the case, let me take this in good faith and explain:

Firstly, it isn't a case of not wanting to wear a mask. There are health conditions that make wearing a mask a genuine mental struggle, or a physical risk, or both. And, no, not everyone can wear a mask. Some of the people who are exempt from wearing masks are:

people who cannot safely (i.e., without causing themselves harm) put a mask on or remove it due to physical disabilities. 

people with breathing difficulties and respiratory-related conditions, such as asthma. Wearing a mask doesn’t reduce oxygen flow, but it can make one feel breathless – which could be dangerous for those with breathing problems.

people with autism or other mental/developmental conditions for whom wearing a mask is a source of extreme distress

Here in England, everyone has to wear a mask unless they have a reasonable health condition (mental or physical) that prevents them from doing so safely or without distress. In that case, the rule is two metre distancing minimum and following all other guidelines to the letter. There are counties/areas where if you cannot wear a mask, whatever the reason, you cannot enter a shop or establishment, and they will provide you with an equivalent service. That is not the case everywhere.

Unfortunately, the few who simply don't want to wear facemasks have overwhelmed those who cannot, because their voices are louder. This is the same thing that happens when a few people fake health conditions to get parking places, or to get disability benefits – because of those few, the entire disabled community is treated with hostility and suspicion. I.e., because everyone has heard of abled people using disabled parking bays to get closer to the shop, anyone using a disabled parking day who “doesn’t look disabled” gets harassed over it, never mind if they have a proper permit. This creates a culture of agression and suspicion around the use of parking bays, where instead of being understanding and helpful, people are plain rude. The same is happening with mask wearing: people who don't want to wear one have started lying, meaning that those of us who genuinely struggle are treated with hostility and suspicion instead of being offered help. We have to bear the weight of responsibility, and it is bloody exhausting.

Personally, I've consistently worn a mask. I haven't entered a building without one. But my tolerance has worn dangerously low, and yesterday I had a meltdown in the fish n chip shop – a meltdown that would have been avoided, if I'd been able to take off my mask for just a moment. But I felt like I couldn't, and my panic just built and built and the whole time I was thinking "Under current law I could take it off but if I do I'm a terrible person", and I could see the people behind the counter sharing a Look with one another as if to say "what the fuck is wrong with this kid?". I knew (or rather, felt like I knew) that if I did take the mask off to try and calm myself down, I would not be met with empathy. I also knew that if someone did challenge me for taking my mask off, I would absolutely snap. 

So, no, I wouldn't have gone into that shop without a mask. I knew it would cause me distress and I knew it would probably trigger a meltdown, but I did it anyway because there was no other choice. The owners don't do deliveries, we had no food in the house, there wasn't time to cook (and neither me or mum had the energy to do so after a day of physical work) and the only affordable takeaway was from the local chippy. And they did not provide an alternative service, because ableism is everywhere and disabled/neurodivergent people are rarely considered first.

I am not saying that because we cannot wear a mask that we should endanger others. Yes, if you can't wear a mask then we have a responsibility to limit leaving the house (or not at all, but that isn't always possible) and follow all guidelines OR find a viable alternative, and basically be a considerate and responsible person.

All I'm asking is for empathy and understanding. Creating a culture where not wearing a mask is seen as shameful isn’t going to help the more vulnerable in our society; it’s much better to put that vitriol towards demanding alternative services and aid so that those who can’t wear masks don’t have to leave the house. 

tl;dr:

instead of shaming people who can't wear masks, there should be alternative services and help offered

have empathy and understanding, and don't paint everyone with the same strokes

we all have a responsibility to eachother. This includes helping people who struggle.

[letmeliedown]

also: can people stop fucking scolding me for having my headphones too loud because they see loud music + inability to follow speech and immediately assume that the problem is noise-induced hearing loss that i inflicted on myself?? 

like no, actually, i’m autistic and traumatized and have adhd and eight million other reasons i desperately need to be able to choose what sensory information i focus on. i do also have very minor hearing loss (idk what a less clinical way to describe this is) but it’s not in the conversational register afaik, and i don’t actually know why or have any reason to believe it was caused solely by voluntary noise exposure.

like, i’ve had this brain for 3 decades and i know the risks of stimming with loud noises. they’re far less than the risks to my & others’ safety of me having a screaming meltdown from overload in public due to uncontrollable sensory violence

[despair-with-walnuts]

you doing okay there bruce?

He can’t be seen, not exactly; nothing more than a shadow that suggests the shape of the curve of a knee, of a shoulder, of a hand.

Whatever part of him it is you’re seeing, it becomes clear after a moment or two that it’s... shaking.

The voice that comes out is like broken glass. In pieces, jagged.

“I feel just fine.”

[letmeliedown]

is pre-existing sensory issues with food intensifying a lot/new ones emerging a symptom of autistic burnout?

i know i am experiencing burnout from living in inaccessible shelters. they keep giving me food that either triggers mcas reactions or hits all my sensory sensitivities (often both). i usually have a lot of texture issues but right now it’s at the point where i will have a full on meltdown/panic attack until i can get the food out of sight and smell & every trace of it cleaned up because it gives me so much overwhelming distress as well as nausea. seems like this would be a burnout thing too but i don’t have the spoons to look it up