#memory gap

[fallenwhumpee]

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• Part 3 • Part 4 • Part 5 • Masterlist •

Warnings: Dehumanisation, dissociation, memory gap, panicking, platonic cuddles.

Leader floated.

That was the only word their disjointed mind could attach to the feeling. Not quite flying. No, they had no control. Just drifting, pulled by something too strong to resist. Detached from their body. Above it, maybe. Below it. Nothing made sense. They remembered the explosion. They remembered the bomb going off just a few steps before them.

Voices scraped along the edges of awareness. Cold and sharp, hurting their ears. They remembered...

The team. The team was close. No. Leader couldn't—

“Too unstable. Even with the overrides, it's decaying.”

“We’ve invested too much. We either salvage or start over from scratch.”

“You say that as if there’s anything left to salvage.”

“It's still capable. And I can't extract experience as data. We have to try.”

The shadows loomed closer. The voice above grew muffled.  Leader was malfunctioning. They could barely make out the shape of the shadows, masks big enough to hide features. But Leader couldn't care. The team had been on the mission with them.

But Leader had sent them away. Yes. Leader did. Their team was safe. Their purpose was done.

More voices came.

"Vitals dropping. What's wrong?"

"We can't put them into circulation tank. They're too disfigured."

"We just need to keep them breathing."

“This one was  never meant to heal, only to endure. Hardware is faulty, but we need it functioning again, or we won't have the other subjects' obedience.”

-•-

Leader gasped.

The ceiling above them wasn’t surgical white . It was warped wooden beams, too close together. The weight on their chest wasn’t panic. It was their own body. Too heavy. Too stiff. Everything pulsed. No. Everything throbbed. Their head hurt, a dull pain behind their eyes, and when they tried to move, the aches blinded them.

For a moment, they didn’t remember where they were.

They remembered rain, rain and Right Hand's voice. Something heavy and warm around their shoulders.

They would flinch when they heard movement if their body wasn't so heavy. Then they heard again. A chair was being scraped back. There was someone else.

Leader blinked until their eyes burned.

Youngest.

Sitting cross-legged on the chair with a half-empty plate in their lap, Youngest was flipping through a paperback, absently chewing on a biscuit as if nothing in the world was wrong.

It took too long for Leader to place the wrongness.

Youngest was always the loudest to worry. The first to cry. The one who held Leader’s sleeve after every mission like a lifeline. Because they grew up with many layers of protection between them and the facility. They were almost untouched if modifications before decantinf didn't count.This uncharacteristic stillness was just so loud that Leader could hear it ringing. Youngest was supposed to be on their side, asking what happened with teary eyes like every time someone from the team got hurt.

Leader swallowed. It scraped down like glass.

"...Youngest?" they croaked. Their voice barely passed their own lips. They tried again, louder. “Youngest.”

The younger soldier didn’t look up immediately. Just flipped a page.

“I was wondering when you’d wake,” they said eventually, tone flat.

Leader blinked, trying to shake the haze from their eyes. Why was Youngest so cold? “Where’s… Right Hand?”

“Sleeping. Unlike some people, they rest when they should.”

Leader tried to sit up, but the pain flared fast. Their arms trembled under their weight. The room tilted. They felt too warm and too weak, slumping to the couch as they tried to keep their eyes open. They managed to stit up barely, half propped up. They rubbed their forehead. “You’re angry,” they said, more to themselves.

Youngest’s eyes met with theirs, cold. “What gave it away?”

“I thought... Right Hand must’ve explained,” Leader rasped. “About the booster. The pain. Why I—why I collapsed. I... don't understand.”

“They did,” Youngest said, snapping the book shut. “But I’m not mad about that.”

Leader was confused. They reached to pressure their head, their headache getting worse. This all felt just wrong, but they didn't understand what the problem was. Their thoughts were slipping sideways. “Then…?” 

“You left us.”

What?

Youngest leaned forward, brows furrowing. “You ran, Leader. You were gone. Do you even remember that?”

“I didn’t—”

“Do you?” Youngest pressed, jaw clenched.

“I was… discharged. I got on the bus.” Leader's voice faltered. “I remember the seat. I remember... being there. But I—”

They paused. Their hand clenched the blanket. They were swaying, they realised. They couldn't  have done that. Because they remembered... they didn't remember.

No order. No packing. No goodbyes.

Just the bus and after it.

“I don’t…” Leader croaked.

Youngest’s expression twisted. Bitterness lined every word. “We thought something happened, Leader. You left and we waited and waited. No comms. Not a word. Nothing. Right Hand was ready to search the whole continent.”

Leader swayed again, eyes blinking too slow. Their stomach twisted. They couldn't have done that. It must have been a mistake.

But Leader didn't remember.

“I wouldn’t have left. I wouldn’t— I didn’t— I wouldn’t—” The words stumbled , falling out without their permission. They couldn't breathe. “I didn’t leave. I didn’t… I wouldn’t…”

Youngest stepped back, their face closing off.

Right Hand’s voice broke through their ringing ears. “Enough.”

Leader barely registered them stepping in. The sound of boots, the door creaking. But suddenly, Youngest was being pulled aside, and Right Hand was crouched beside the bed, fingers pressed to Leader’s wrist, counting the pulse.

“Interrogating them right now? Really?” Right Hand snapped, glaring at Youngest. “They barely woke up.”

“I just wanted to know why, Right Hand—”

“And you can ask later.”

Leader’s lips moved. They needed Right Handto knoe too. But they couldn't breathe. They clung to Right Hand keeping them up and tried.

“Didn’t leave. Didn’t leave. I wouldn’t. Not the team. Not—”

“Shh,” Right Hand whispered, cupping the side of their face. “I know.”

“I… don’t remember. I can’t—” Leader’s voice cracked. “I’d never leave. I wouldn't…”

“You didn’t,” Right Hand repeated. Firmer. Slower. “Something happened. That’s all. We’ll figure it out.”

Leader blinked rapidly, eyes unfocused. Their body trembled. Cold sweats did nothing to help them butning inside out.

“We’ll figure it out,” Right Hand said again, gentler this time. “But not now. I need tou to breathe. You can't break on me. Leader, we need you intact.”

Leader nodded, even if only not to worry Right Hand more. They were slowly set back down to the couch, Rigt Hand's cold hand pressed against thir cheek. Leader glanced Youngest just behind Rught Hand, face conflicted.

"They really didn?"

"How can you even think that? Right Hand almost snapped. "They did everything for us. I suggest you think. Not everyone is out to get you. Not your team, at least."

Youngest bowed their head.

"S okay," Leader breathed out. They just had to focus on breathing. They would mend. Whatever had happened.

"No," Right Hand scoffed. "It's not. But I know you hate arguing so I'll drop it. Youngest, please bring a cold compress."

With that, Youngest disappeared from the view.

"Close your eyes back."

Leader didn't argue. And it didn't take long for them to fall back asleep, only to be waken up with thunder. They lifted up their head to look, only to meet with Youngest curled up in their arms. They turned to the opposite way, and Right Hand was there, hugging them from behind. The fireplace was snuffed out, wind coming through the chimney making a mess with the ashes.

Right Hand stirred behind them. "Leader?" They murmured sleepily.

"Why are we all on the floor?" Leader asked, sinking as the arms wrapped around them tightened.

"You were too warm, and room too cold because we didn't want to risk carbon monoxide  poisoning."

"Mmm."

Anyway, it seemed to work. Leader wasn't feeling too warm anymore.

Leader closed their eyes back again, but a beeping sound didn't let them sleep. Right Hand got up with curses, coming back with a small rectangle device. It had a small screen with text passing, but Leader couldn't read it from their place.

"What is it?" Leader asked.

“Trail on Medic," Right Hand answered quietly.

Leader’s breath caught. "They'll have us on it, right?"

Right Hand slid back into the covers and  smoothed the blanket down. “They're going to send a boat to pick us up. Though I doubt they'll get here before a week..”

“A week,” Leader yawned.

Right Hand nodded. “So sleep. We’ll be ready by then.”

Leader didn’t answer. Their eyes were already slipping shut.

[leatherloveandbelle]

She awakens the muffled moans still echo in her mind as she opens her eyes to a dimly lit room. Taking a deep breath she feels the icy air as the mild notes of loneliness drift into her lungs. Rolling over to her side she stares blankly at the red panda mug on the desk. Feeling her phone buzz she looks at it seeing a message from an unknown number opening her phone she sees a link unsure of herself she puts her phone down and goes to shower. A tingling feeling tickles the back of her neck thoughts of that strange link flutter through her mind. What could it be who sent it to her why can’t she stop thinking about it questions wrap her mind in a haze till the feeling of icy water washing over her snaps her back. Turning of the water she goes to dry off mind still buzzing with what that link could be. Going back to her room she sits down and grabs her phone opening up the app and looking at the link she hesitates can “I open this is it safe” she ponders. Another buzz open it you know you want to the sender messaged her again. Hesitantly she opens the keyboard and messages back who is this but the message doesn’t send. “What the” she mutters to herself. She holds her finger over the link wondering if this is some weird prank when her partner messages her. “Hey babe hope your day is going well I love you” a gentle warmth fills her heart as she goes to reply, yet she stops staring at the link she clicks on it a deep breath releases from her chest she didn’t know she was holding. The screen turns black and a pink text pops up ‘are you ready’ she stares bewildered the flashing mark waiting for a response teasing her. She types yes and her screen flashes good girl before erupting into spirals she blinks and looks closer before trying to close out the tab, but her fingers won’t move she’s stuck staring into the spirals. No she thinks no way I this is just a weird dream this stuff never works she thinks closing her eyes she takes a deep breath. Then she opens them again she’s still sitting but now she’s somewhere else she doesn’t recognize her surroundings pretty pink walls surround her and she sees her nails have been done into French tips a giggle escapes her lips. As she goes to stand she falls over onto the soft pillowy ground ass sticking into the air as a cool breeze brushes across her cheeks. She looks down her feet are cuffed with fuzzy pink and white leather cuffs she giggles again what’s going on she thinks as she looks up and begins trying to stand. Her hands push against the plush ground as she looks around the room a nice bed sits in the middle of the wall in front of her and she sees an assortment of lubes on the nightstand looking to her left a large closet left partly open filled with the most amazing clothes. Her knees catch on nothing damn things never work right she rolls onto her butt, and begins to work her way over to the bed looking behind her at a door with the desk next to it. “Hello” she calls out “where am I” she mutter feeling her back against the bed frame she goes to undo the cuffs but there locked on her ankles. She sees her phone on the floor and grabs it. Dead. “What is happening where am I” she giggles out “and like why can’t I stop giggling” a haze fills her mind as she tries to recall what happened after she woke up. “That link what was that” she says cheerily like she had finally solved it. She looks around noticing an outlet with a phone charger plugged into it she crawls over and plugs in her phone but nothing happens frustrated she crawls back to the chair and spins it around to face the desk after sitting back into it. Sitting in the center of the desk a laptop she quickly flips it open and tries turning it on an app automatically opens showing pictures of her and someone she feels like she knows going out together. She closes the app and opens up the messenger new messages flood in praise and admiration from people thanks and hope you post again soon messages. She opens a new chat and types her partners number a chat log appears. With one message WHO IS THAT.

[gottawhump]

Okay, while it’s not quite this, it’s close

What Happened?

The Mage

I woke up smelling blood, wet and copper-rusty. It brought me immediately awake, sitting upright.

I got out of the bed, and washed off the blood spatter at a basin. Light, not deep gore. I… probably hadn’t killed anyone, then. I changed into clean clothes, and ordered a meal brought, my appetite high.

While I ate, I tried to remember what had happened last night. I knew I lost control, after resisting the need to hurt for—-not long enough. Not quite a fortnight.

And I could not remember what I had done, or to who. Last night’s memories were a blur, fractures and fragments that refused to make a coherent whole. I’d lost control before, but usually I remembered.

[mental-health-advice]

I've been trying to review my history, and there's a 2/3 year period in my childhood I call "The Big Gap" where I have close to NO memories. According to my mom, I was mysteriously ill for several months when I was around 8 (during the big gap): a fever and drastic weight loss, but doctors couldn't explain it. I searched, but couldn't find anything like it being discussed on the internet; could it have been a trauma response?

Hey lovely,

I can imagine that you’ve been trying to find an explanation for this memory gap! I think it would be best if you could bring this up with your doctor. We’re not professionals at MHA and we therefore can’t really give any definite answers as to what could have asked this memory gap and illness. If you think that it might be caused by a traumatic event, then you could ask to see a trauma specialist and ask them whether it could indeed be a trauma response. 

Trauma can have a lot of effect on someone, so if you look at it from that perspective it would theoretically be possible for it to have been a trauma response. But it likely isn’t something that anyone can confirm with certainty, until there ever is a time where you recover some memories from the event. Or if there is someone in your life who can confirm that you indeed went through trauma at that time. Is this a question that you’ve asked your mum? Even if she wasn’t aware of something happening at the time, maybe by looking back she can identify some signs that indicate there was a trauma. If you’re looking for something specifically, you tend to notice more than when you’re in the moment and aren’t looking for it specifically. 

It could also be a coincidence that the memory gap and the illness fall in the same period. Or it could be that the memory gap was caused by the illness, as opposed to the illness and memory gap both being symptoms of a trauma. If you’re really curious, you could consider speaking to a doctor about it? Although I think it might be difficult to find one who will want to figure it out with you if it’s not something that’s currently physically affecting you. 

It might also be possible that the doctors who were helping you back then looked into whether it might have been a trauma response but ruled this out. If this is the case they likely didn’t tell you or your mum, but it should be in your files. 

While I completely understand that you’d like to know more about this memory gap, it might not be something that you can find an answer to. That is really difficult to accept and it’s more than okay if you need some additional help in working towards that acceptance! It can be beneficial for you to speak to a counsellor. You can talk it through with them which can help taking steps in the direction of acceptance. I’d definitely recommend you not to keep your thoughts all to yourself, as then it keeps going round and round in your head. I hope that this helped at least a little bit! 

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard.Love Pauline

[rambleonaud]

Sometimes I think about things I did as a teenager, like a few times when I was in classes I would literally space out so hard that I wouldn't even notice I wasn't paying attention until I started listening again and it was like I had just skipped forward in time.

And then when I burnt out it still felt like it was so sudden 🙄

Anyway that hasn't happened in a looong time so 👍👍

[nightfuchia]

dissociation is wild guys I once lost 2 whole weeks and I still don't remember what happened

[translike-state]

I feel like I have repressed memories from around ages 5-9. I see photos sometimes and can't attach any memory to them, I don't remember important events like meeting my stepmom (or her parents or any of her friends) or much of moving into my new house and out of my grandparent's house... It's hard for me to place some of the ones I do have from that era on a timeline...And what puzzles me most of all is I know that my mom left me with my dad without really explaining why to us, and from then on stopped being a part of my life. But why can't I remember any of that going down??? I know it happened, but I can't actually remember what it was like or how I felt or anything. And I can't remember a lot of what it was like to be raised by her either. Can you have repressed memories if you weren't abused???

[jiminsgalaxxi]

WIPED OUT

After a month of being away, I have forgotten my Apple ID. I got locked out and still unable to recover my account. I tried to recover my account but I was advised to reinstall my OS. Now,  everything in my laptop has been wiped out! BTS photos and gifs, programs, extensions, links...GONE.

I’m so devastated.

It’s gonna take awhile to get my arsenal of collections back. I’m not really gone. I’m just slowly getting back up.