#memory holes

[the-bisexual-bitch]

It's almost like I feel like I'm an inherently terrible and evil person, so I feel like I need to pay penance constantly. It's almost like there's something awful lurking inside of me, waiting to hurt someone again. It's almost like I put effort into making myself seem small and unthreatening, but then I do something and I can see the fear in their eyes. It's almost like I'm terrified of myself on a deep and visceral level.

[the-bisexual-bitch]

A bit more personal than usual today-

TW for physical assault (mentioned)

I have recently discovered that my memory holes are memory holes and not just me being really good at gaslighting myself, and recently, I was violent during one of these episodes. I am going to talk to my therapist about this, and am deeply concerned about it. I want to throw up. My partner knows, and is convinced that I'm actually not a bad person and am just fine and Normal, and everyone else I've confided in is pretty sure I have DID or something.

Right now I'm struggling to stay present, but I'm thinking I shouldn't go to work/school tomorrow and should probably break up with my partner just so I don't get violent with them. I'm scared, I feel sick, and I have to wait til Tuesday to see anyone, and I just want to become a total hermit atm.

I want advice, any kind, I'm sorry for bothering y'all 😅

[darthemed]

Star Trek: Insurrection (1998)

[lonelinessfollowsme]

You asked me once, what was in Room 101. I told you that you knew the answer already. Everyone knows it. The thing that is in Room 101 is the worst thing in the world.

O'Brien in Orwell’s novel 1984

[alexandrajump]

memory hole

Wednesday nights commitment went well.  I think.  I am not really sure because in the moment I am being as open as I can be about my story and I speak from the heart and not the head and as a result I never remember what I said. Folks came up to me after I spoke and thanked me for speaking.  Which that isn’t really unusual,  when you have a speaker it is polite to thank them for coming and…

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