#mental mess

[tears-that-heal]

found on pinterest HERE

[metaphysicalmortal]

I might be fictional. - John Green

[dannobfg]

I never wanted a fuck buddy. I wanted a friend, a partner, a lover. I wanted someone who makes me feel safe and loved and cared for. I wanted to be that way for someone too. I wanted someone to come home to, to talk about our days. To watch movies, to laugh. I wanted someone who enjoyed good coffee and reading in a park on a sunny day. I wanted a person to tell all my secrets to, someone who knows me and stays anyway. Someone fearless when it comes to love. I lowered my standards because I was lonely. And now I don't know what to do with you. Because I already care too much and you don't at all. Not yet at least. Maybe I'm stupid for thinking you ever could. I deserve the sort of love I crave. I probably won't find it in you. But I do like you, for now. Carpe Diem, right? Who am I?

I should sleep and tell my brain to shut up...

[herwonderlandfury-blog]

[dannobfg]

I'm exhausted.

Energy is low low low today.

I'm tired of fighting the thoughts in my head.

"You are worthless. You are stupid. You are evil. You are going to hell. Kill yourself and save the world from you. You will never be good enough. You are a worthless piece of shit. I hate you".

That voice is loud. So loud. Always playing somewhere in my mind. Tormenting me.

I know it's not true.

I know that I am not worthless. I know I am not stupid. I know I'm not evil. And I know that the world doesn't need saving from me.

I distract myself from those words. I try to tell myself the opposite is true. But my voice is so low in comparison. I'm a tiny mouse squeaking in the dark being chased by lions.

I try to be active. To get shit done. But I'm not very good at it, especially on days like today where the voices are loud and my energy is low.

Sometimes I don't want to fight them anymore. Sometimes I just let them say their piece. And then I dissociate for the entire day until my conscienceness returns and somehow with it the will to keep going.

I'm going to die one day. Hopefully not by my own hand though.

I wanted 2021 to be the year of change. The year I start to try to fix this mess that I am. The year the suffering and existential dread would cease to be.

I started off well, I think. I cut out some toxic people, I came out to a few more, I started to talk to a counselor, I had a boyfriend for a while. It was pretty good at first. But then it all inevitably went to shit.

Insecurities, man. Like never before. The voices just got louder. And he never loved me, so he was no help at all. But I guess that's my fault. It wasn't his job to deal with my problems. I don't think anyone is not self-centred enough to be able to deal with this me that I am. And besides, it's only my responsibility, no?

See, right there. I'm saying I don't believe myself worthy of love, right? How fucked up is that?! But also, is that actually love? Seeing how messed up someone is and still deciding to stay and help? How is that fair? How is that equitative? How can I expect someone to care so much, enough, to stay? It's not fair because I hardly have enough energy to keep myself alive, how am I supposed to give to someone else? All I do is take take take. No one wants to be drained. No one has that much to give. My glass is cracked and always leaking.

So yeah, it's the single life for me for a while. He moved on by finding someone new. My plan remains the same as that new years resolution, though. Be better, enough is enough.

Someone once said it gets lonely when you're working on yourself. And it's so true.

I want to believe in that future where everything is alright. But I guess the tunnel in my tunnel vision just seems to get longer and longer.

Focus on the present moment, they say. Right now is all we have. Tomorrow isn't promised. Stop trying to live as if it were.

But I'm not, I say. I've been trying not to live at all. Just keeping to exist. Há, and you expect to be okay? The world may end tomorrow and your last day will be spent disassociated, somewhere far away from here. Is that what you want? No.

I am my own worst enemy, and it sucks.

I find it harder and harder to imagine a future where I am not this way that I am. And as I grow older, and adult responsibilities play a bigger and bigger role in my life, I find myself just wanting it all to stop. But it's like I'm trapped. I will never intentionally physically hurt myself to put an end to this misery. No, I'm not that person. I refuse to be that person. But I'm also not able to be the person I need to be to get myself out of this place I'm in.

In that new years resolution were the words "help isn't coming, you have to save yourself". But for all the strong willpower and stubbornness that I have, my batteries still run low a lot of the time.

It takes time to recharge. Time that this life and the system don't account for. Hence why I wish everything could just stop, so that I could have the time to get better.

I believe it to be possible, I just don't know how to get there. Oh future self that is watching me through my memories! I wish you could tell me how it ends. I'm sorry it is like this at the moment. I dream of you telling me everything will be okay.

[dannobfg]

So I'm a little hungover today. And I'm feeling sad while scrolling through my tumblr feed because it's honestly depressing to see the happy couples, sex, beautiful people, healthy mental health advice, etc. I see what I want but don't have and that oftentimes seems like I'll never have. It's just a lot. It's times like these where I feel like just cancelling all my socials and moving to a cabin in the mountains off grid.

Like, I know it's not all real. I know that right now it feels like a lot because I'm tired. I'm still able to rationalize it, and I try to see past the fakeness. Real life is a lot different. But that doesn't mean I don't long for it to be that way. Agh, idek what I'm saying.

I'm gonna put my phone down and go eat some ice-cream while I dissociate on Netflix or something. Sigh...

I went to a friend's wedding yesterday. It was beautiful. It was great fun. But at the same time the whole day I was haunted by the thoughts that I would never have that. Their level of happiness seems out of reach for me because of reasons. I feel like I'm going to start declining invitations to my friends weddings pretty soon tbh. I love y'all, and I'm happy for y'all, but y'all make me jealous and sad af. I'm sorry.

[dannobfg]

I wish everything would just stop. I can't keep going but it's kinda fucked up to be left behind. Life doesn't wait. Keep on keeping on, they say. Yeah, I guess there's no other real choice...

[dannobfg]

I need something to do. I've lost my passions. Apathy towards everything. Lately, I'll put my earphones in, turn the music up, and just scroll for hours, all the while feeling shitty inside. I lost myself, somewhere, somehow. And I don't know how to get back.

This past week I tried to do some sport. And I did. On Wednesday I did some exercise following an app, and on Thursday I went for a run first thing in the morning. And it felt great. I somehow had energy afterwards. But still nothing to do really. So it was wasted. And of course, the next day the muscle aches hit and you regret ever going out in the first place.

I'm always hungry because I'm bored. And I go to the kitchen and think, I want to eat, but I also want to loose the quarantine weight so I tell myself I shouldn't. But after the third visit to the kitchen, I give in. And then I feel bad about it. Plus this summer heat is killing me. So done with it tbh. But still a good two months more of it, basically. No seaside or pool, I might add.

I'm just finding it very hard to not be negative. But that seems to be my personality. A pessimist about everything and anything. Except maybe when I'm trying to cheer someone else up, or in those brief moments of positive thinking that last a few hours and then get crushed...

A mutual asked me on here recently what I meant by "mental mess" in my header. Well, friend, this is what I mean.

Add to the mix my current life stage and you have the cherry on the top. I failed to finish university this term, which means I have to pay more money to get those 6 credits I'm lacking in order to graduate. The actual graduation ceremony has been cancelled in the end because of coronavirus. I'm currently living at my parents house, which is never easy. And it's so stressful. It's never easy to move back home once you've become accustomed to your own way of doing things. There's also just so much tension in this house. It's exhausting.

Also, I'm stressed because I hardly have any savings left, and I hate the idea of having to rely on my parents if I want to move out. I'm trying to get a TEFL qualification so I can teach English and hopefully get a job that allows me to live and work away from here. And that in itself says a lot. Because I'd always said teaching English would be the last thing I'd ever do. But I guess I've basically found myself with no other viable option right now. And who knows, maybe it won't be so bad. Idk. But anyway, I need to finish it before I can start sending CVs out. Besides, I have no place to go back to. I left my apartment when I moved back here. And the flatmates I had are also gone. So it's basically starting from zero. I'm just so sad that my university days are practically over and the real world sucks balls. Why does growing up have to be like this? Can we fast forward to when I have my life together and feel content with my surrounding circumstances? I'm not even asking to be fully happy. Just enough to be okay. Contentment is the only way to get through this hell. Happiness is an illusion. We can experience happy moments, but it's not possible to live 100% happy every second of everyday. Not in this world. At least, that's how I see it right now...

I'm both dreading and looking forward to a wedding I have in a few weeks. One of my best friends from uni is getting married to her longtime boyfriend. A super cute couple. I'm so jealous of her. She seems to have her life all figured out. Her boyfriend has a good job in Germany, and after the wedding they're both moving over there. She has a job waiting for her too. And they already have a cute little apartment. Give it a few years and they'll have their beautiful children, etc, etc.

The wedding is both a celebration, but also a goodbye. And not just of the happy couple. I know most of the other invitees. They're also good friends of mine. And this wedding is probably the last time I'm gonna see any of them for a long time. And that makes me so sad. But at the same time, I'm so excited to get out of here and celebrate with my friends for a few hours. For a few hours I can forget my worries and just live again. Plus, I plan on downloading some of this mental shit to them. Long overdue. It'll be interesting to hear their perspectives. And to be honest, I just want someone to empathize with how I feel. My parents don't get it. Neither does my brother. And that just adds to the whole mess.

On another note, I'm also kinda low-key worried about Covid-19 at the wedding. My friend has told me they're doing their very best to ensure the recommended distances are kept between people, chairs and tables at all time. Masks will be compulsory and there will be hand sanitizer everywhere. So it should be fine. But still, it does make me a little nervous to go out and be around so many people.

Anyway, enough ramblings for one day. Thanks for reading, if you made it all the way...