Why I love the internet (and not in a good way)
I began using the internet in earnest in 6th grade. Not surprisingly, this coincides with the beginning of my middle school years, fraught as they were with bullies and my first signs of social anxiety and fear. Reflecting on my relationship with the internet, I am realizing now that it has been a coping mechanism for me; it has been a way for me to forge deep connections easily, and I say "easily" in the sense that these connections require no responsibility to maintain. People on the internet never ask you for a ride to work, never invite you to parties, never need to borrow your stuff, and they reserve the right to, on a whim, never log in and talk to you again. I met people on internet forums, on games, on social media, online dating, all I think to fill my real-world social/emotional deficiencies and fears.
For many people there is a tension between independence and the constraint brought on by the connections we forge. I can't even count how many times my friends have told me, I want to be free and have fun while I'm young. I'm suggesting that I am not only supplanting my real world friends for internet friends, but I am also attempting to bridge the gap between being an individual and having connections. I see myself flaking, noticing that I'd rather check my texts than relish in conversation in the moment, constrain myself to the confines of my room to chat with people online.. I try to both be independent and connected out of desire for belonging and fear of being hurt in some way. If I can distance myself from the other person, then if they hurt me, it won't be so bad. Right?
What I learned in my experience in online dating, something I think can apply to most if not all of my online interactions, is that online interactions feel real, but lack the authenticity of real world relationships. I felt the real pain of loss when online interactions went sour, even though I never felt the benefits of a real friendship. It might be obvious to most, but for me, realizing this took a lot of effort. For a person who spent his formative years alone, having mainly internet strangers to chat with, this was a difficult thing to accept.
And so, if I cannot rely on internet relationships for satisfaction, I need to step up my irl game. I need to reach out to more people, come up with fun things to do, stop interacting with boring people, especially if I'd rather ignore them at the dinner table, and find people worth hanging out with- and when I do hang out with them, realize when they are worth ignoring the text message for.
I am seeing my use of the internet for what it really is, a crutch more symptomatic of my own problems than a solution to those problems, and I want to graduate from this to something bigger.