Missteps.5
Found : FF.net AO3
She had dropped out the second they asked who was willing to. After the naval battle and the horrid treatment of their guildmate, he would have thought she would hesitate about giving up her chance to go against Minerva. Maybe she trusted Erza to swamp her ass and make her regret her actions. Still, he would have thought she would at least hesitate. Maybe it was only him that wanted to pound her face until her teeth fell off.
It was hard to guess what she could be thinking.
She hadn’t looked at him since the day before. Not literally. She had looked at him a few times but with those glassy empty eyes that seemed to barely look past him. He had stared at her, or maybe he only thought he did, it was hard to tell since she hardly seemed to notice. She had smiled at him a bit sweetly in the morning when everyone was still barely oozing up. She was already awake, already almost dressed and ready to go. How she did that was almost as puzzling as her attitude towards him.
That was the only real eye contact he had had with her all day. Even when fiery brain and iron cast were fighting for their lives in the arena she hadn’t sent one look in his direction, only continued to smile and joke around with her guildmates from the guild balcony. Maybe that was why he used to like her old self better, the hate seemed to be universal. Or maybe he just liked hate a lot better than indifference. He tried not to think about it too much as dumb and dumber started fighting against each other in front of the whole crowd. He sighed as loudly as he could because that was almost as big as a humiliation.
This whole week had been messed up. Between Jellal and his guild asking them to break the rules to reveal some secret dark magic use, Raven Tail attacking their members, Sabertooth going psycho in front of the public and now their forced merging that already seemed doomed. It was a wonder how he could find time to think about anything else. Not to forget the way too long celebrations that ended in so much alcohol and chaos, his liver and ear drums already felt their age despite having not reached their twenty-four birthday yet.
It was exhausting. Not the competing, because it was mostly waiting around than real fighting. He had yet to face a real opponent. Although he hoped the last day would be his occasion to finally try his luck on Jura. He only admitted it in his head because he had learned what being too cocky could do to him, but he wished he could go against him, just to see if all those years of relentless training had finally paid and allowed him to go face to face with one of the tens. Because that was his goal now.
He no longer wished of leadership but he still craved some kind of recognition. Some achievement he could call his. He still wanted to fight the best. He still wanted to win, for himself and for the guild. Publicly. The fact that the Lamia Scale wizard saint had just crushed star boy’s attempts at getting the victory was only the cherry on top. Even if the poor guy hadn’t been able to show a tenth of what he was truly capable of. Still, victory would be sweet. If he didn’t also get his head crushed into the sand.
At least, it couldn’t possibly be as humbling as being beaten by the two dumbasses throwing each other in carts. Nothing could be.
Maybe the old man would get understanding and allow him to go bang their heads together to see if it did sound as hollow as he thought. But no. The old man seemed too taken in his conversation with his head barmaid and personal assistant to even notice the looks of desperation he tried sending.
She noticed. She knew he was staring in her direction. He knew she did because she had that way of tilting her head whenever she was trying to ignore him. He sighed even louder, ignoring himself the comprehensive looks Erza was trying to get from him as she probably ached too from the poor behaviour of her own teammate that appeared to have decided that defeat as one was better than victory as two. Maybe he still hadn’t digested his victory against the thunder dragon slayer and didn’t want to see yet another victory taken from his hand. That he could understand. If it wasn’t utterly stupid in the current situation.
Almost as stupid as his own current situation, taken between looking at what could be a very good fight or the definite death of his ego, and what was definitely the death of all pride, because how else would you call endlessly staring at someone that gave so much effort at acting like you didn’t exist ? How else would you call the almost teenaged way he tried so much to look at her without catching the eye of his own grandfather chatting away with her. He felt like he was thirteen again, sneaking peeks into his pin up magazines’ collection without the old man noticing.
And it felt horrible. He wondered why everyone always called it thrilling or rejuvenizing. He felt like the weight of the world was pounding on his stomach and he had no pride to soften the blow. Like he was drowning in a constant embarrassment that jumped at his throat whether he looked at the arena or at the balcony, like whatever he looked at only reminded him of the scarce situation he had managed to get himself into. It felt rather pitiful.
He didn’t know if he felt prouder for Natsu or for himself when the pink haired mage finally finished the two dragon slayers with that one last blow. He didn’t know if he felt happier for the guild, for the boy he had seen grow up during his teenage years, or for the end of the miserable state he was trapped in, for giving him some reason to still walk with his head high in the tavern that they called home for the week.
Sometimes he was afraid of how selfish that made him. He did give him a smile as a thank you, but the young mage was so beaming and gloating at everyone that he hardly seemed to notice. He didn’t take it to heart, there was hope. At least he could now focus on his main problem of the time, which took the form of a very smiley and airy woman at the moment.
She was still ignoring him, while she was sitting at the same table. It was impressive. The way she never looked at his direction for more than a glance and only engaged with his two best friends that seemed way too interested in her opinion about the right ways to cook cauliflower to be honest about it. Maybe he was the only one that thought it very hard to concentrate on whatever she was saying when her eyes were sparkling like that about cauliflowers.
Freed, he could understand because he did like cooking, but Bickslow he couldn’t believe in it, the guy had more interest in the political meaning behind the ups and downs of the stock market than he had about anything that came close to cooking, and he had never seen him even get close to a finance newspaper. From the glances he was giving her, it wasn’t her eyes either he seemed to be interested in. He wondered what excuse he could come up with to smack him on the head right there and now. A smoke would calm his nerves, he only thought as he suddenly got up with his hand already going through his pocket, catching the surprised stares of the entire table.
“Are you going outside ?” Her voice echoed, almost startling him as she hadn’t said a word to him during the whole day.
“Yeah.” He only responded, already blocking a cigarette between his lips. He just couldn’t wait. “On the balcony upstairs.” He somehow gestured.
“Good. I’ll go with you, then.” Her smile got very wide at that as she beamed up, so much so he almost missed the silent treatment. It was less ominous. “I need some air.” She sent him one of those looks as she straightened her dress up to get rid of the wrinkles that seemed to imprint faster than lightning on those tavern benches.
He was almost against it, because that definitely felt like a trap. But his mind wasn’t quick enough to come up with a good reason to forbid her in front of the whole table that seemed to find the pairing interesting enough to stop talking ²all the while they made their way out of the main room and to the stairs. She really was exhausting just to think about.
When they got outside, he didn’t say anything at first, only lit a cigarette, leant on the railing of the balcony and stared into the lights of the city in the most intense silence he could manage. She didn’t seem to be that concerned with his little performance because she only took off her shoes, vaguely complained about how much her feet were hurting and sat down on the balcony with her legs swaying into the open air. He noticed her cheeks were flushed, but that could just be the alcohol, probably not their weird encounter from the day before. He tried to be modest about it.
The silence was heavy, though. The only thing coming out in the air was the smoke he was exhaling and the light humming from her mouth as she lightly recalled some old melody he probably had already heard down there.
Fine, he would be the one talking then. If she didn’t have the guts to start.
“So” His voice was a lot more shaky than he had meant to, which was not at all. “Did you want to talk about something ?” It was getting harder not to feel like a thirteen year old again.
She turned her head toward him with those little sway and smile she got when she was playing innocent and clueless.
“Can’t I just enjoy the fresh air of a beautiful summer evening ?” He would have believed it if her voice didn’t have that slight shake too.
“Really ? That’s how you want to play it ?” He asked with the snarkiest tone he could gather, so she would understand how annoyed her little fake tone was making him.
She probably got the message because her smile dropped then as she looked up to him, still leaning on the railing, and her legs stopped swaying. A few years ago, she would have gotten instantly mad. But now, she only sighed and looked away, visibly torn but not totally leaving the happy mask behind.
“I guess I just saw an opening and jumped on it.” She lightly grinned as she still stared into the darkness. He was almost startled by the frankness he honestly almost forgot to exhale the smoke he had just breathed. “We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”
“Who said I don’t want to ?” He almost responded too quickly to keep the nonchalant attitude he desperately tried to project.
“Well, your tone, I guess.” Her voice got shakier but she was looking at him now even he tried his hardest look away from her, as to not get caught in those eyes that almost seemed to make him stupider than he was supposed to be. “Your face, also.”
He took it out then, his done cigarette, on the wood of the balcony and then under his feet, then he turned but not towards her, he turned his back to the sky to stare at the door letting a crown of light showing through the gaps as the sounds of the party and the yelling only got louder and louder. It seemed like mayhem in there, even more so than the other nights, if that even was possible. But he knew he was only deflecting from the serious discussion she was trying to have. Even though he had wished she would finally acknowledge something all day, he weirdly felt a lot more nervous now that she had done so.
“Do we really need to talk about it ?” He only sighed, still trying to fix the shaking in his voice that was higher than usual.
“I guess not.” She sighed too, looked away again back to the city lights with the same tender grin she had all day. Only it seemed realer now, because her eyes felt a lot less glassy. “Not this week at least, it probably should wait until this whole week is over.”
He grunted. His fingers were shaking and he wanted another cigarette. But he couldn’t get one out or she would scold him about his health or whatever. It’s not like he could explain to her why he desperately needed a second one by now.
“I’m sorry.”
He couldn’t help but jilt his head this time, to stare into the depth of her soul even if she was now committed to staring into the dark night and purposely avoiding his glare. He didn’t understand it, the apology, although he had been waiting for one the entire night, this one didn’t make sense. His waiting didn’t make sense. He didn’t know what acknowledgement he wanted out of her but this wasn’t it.
“I don’t think last night was entirely your fault.” He responded in this higher pitched voice he so loathed and wanted to get rid off, but somehow it was coming out of him faster than he could think.
She laughed a bit, nervously, only glancing at him before going back to staring at the starry sky.
“I’m sorry about leaving like that.” Her voice was getting a lot shakier then, almost trembling as she nervously playing with the black fabric of her dress.
He liked that dress. He didn’t know what it said about him but he genuinely liked it. Black, with those white frills on the end, and the slit that slightly showed her guild mark on her thigh, it was hot. He couldn’t explain why because it wasn’t particularly revealing, or daring or even elegant but it was hotter than what she usually wore. He had seen her wearing much more scandalous clothes back when she couldn’t get out of her house without a top so short, everybody wondered why she didn’t just go out in a bathing suit like Cana did. But this one was a different kind of hot. Just different.
“I- I don’t mean last night”. She started stuttering and blushing, and now she was getting cute fidgeting her hands in the dark fabric while he stared dumbfounded at what was probably the least expected conversation he hoped to have all night “I mean, for that too, but… especially for back then. You didn’t deserve that and…” She flustered her way down the sentence. “I’m sorry.”
She tried to say the last one with every bit of confidence she could manage to get out to look at his eyes while she articulated the words. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t know what to say because he didn’t know what he felt about this whole conversation. Because he had tried very hard not to even think about the eventuality of it the whole time. He didn’t answer, he just stared into those dark blue eyes that were now staring into the depth of his soul while he tried to gather some thoughts and feelings about the whole situation.
It was a lie. He may not have known what he was thinking about it but he definitely knew how he was feeling about it. He could hear the blood pounding in his hears and feel the clench of his chest sinking into his guts. he definitely felt the wobbliness in his knees and the sour almost burning dryness in his tongue and throat. He could hear his heart’s hollow going batshit crazy behind his ribcage and he definitely felt the adrenaline rush to his fingers that started trembling as his brain scrambled to decide on a course of action.
Fuck, she got him again. Fucking demon, and fuck those eyes that made him forget how to breath. Fuck. Just fuck them all.
.
“Mirajane, open this door.” He tried very hard not to bang on the door but the silence that met his words made the blood run even quicker in his hands.
He could hear her breathe. He never told her how good his hearing really was. He never told her anything about his other senses as well, or his true magic. He had never told anyone. Not either the so-called Thunder Legion that followed him around for almost a year now. Now that they would stop because of it, if one thing, it would make it harder to go somewhere without them. If he told them. But today, even a deaf guy would have heard her in his place.
She was breathing, sighing, almost moaning, she was crying too, that he could hear clearly. She wasn’t far too, probably just on the other side of the door, sitting down with her back against it and probably her knees against her chest like she would sometimes do. He could almost see her in his mind as he continued to hear the muffled cries just across the wood that seemed so thin and yet so thick at the moment.
He could bang on it, but then she would probably leave and go upstairs. He could just open it by force but then he risked throwing the door on her head and she wasn’t exactly in a state to dodge or block it at the moment. It would hurt her. It would only add to the pain she was feeling and probably get him definitely banished from ever stepping into her space again and that was what he was desperately trying to avoid right now. That was why he was standing in front of her house like a desperate lost dog although he hated every second of it.
“Mirajane, can you just open so we can talk about it ?” He tried very hard to let his tone get too commanding or aggressive. He had a tendency to do that these days when he was annoyed and it had a tendency to scare people off or get them to cry even harder. He just never thought she could be one of these people. He knocked again and he could hear how annoyed the knock probably felt, but that was all he could manage. “I just want to talk, okay ?”
She was still crying, louder than before. His stomach was turning apart because he truly hated to hear her cry for every possible reason that could be invented. His chest was aching because of how hard he had to keep the adrenaline from going to his fists. His throat was getting a little too desperate too from burying the screams that he wanted to let out. “Can you at least look at me when we talk ?”
Nothing. Just the cries and the muffled moans again.
“Mirajane.”
More moans. More cries and more hiccups from the breaths she was struggling to take.
He knew it was his fault. He knew he wasn’t the right person for the situation. He shouldn’t have gone looking for her when Erza told him that she was missing. He still had his traveling bag and his old clothes on his back when he went through the forest to find her. Hell, he shouldn’t even have gone to her house once he learnt about what happened. When the old man had told him about the job and the accident, her sister dead, and her brother in jail waiting for trial he almost lost his brain for a second.
Erza was already waiting for her when he got there. She told him she barely got out of bed for the last three days yet nobody had seen her since the morning. She didn’t even seem that worried, waiting in the living room, saying how she probably needed some air to clear her head and would probably be back before the night. He almost punched the stupidity out of her but his priority had been to turn back to find her.
It had been easy. His nose wasn’t that good compared to the salamander but it was still a lot better than a normal human. He knew how she smelt. He had smelt her enough back in the days where she sometimes stalked him around to check on his whereabouts, completely unaware that his senses picked up her presence way before she even got afraid of it. She was good at following people, but her overconfidence in having all the information doomed her every time. It only took him a few minutes to pick up her sense going in the forest and no more than twenty minutes to find her with that trace.
She was sitting on the cliff, the one that faced the lake and made it look like a very calm ocean. Her white hair was untied and fleeting with the cold wind. It was raining. The air was cold because it was late autumn and the grey sky let a light rain cover the rock. When she felt his presence, she turned around and stared. He only had time to notice how red and puffy her eyes were from the days of wallowing before she broke down into tears again while staring at him.
He hadn’t planned for the rest to happen. Not that way, at least. He had taken her back to his place because she was wet from the rain, and she needed a hot shower, and Erza was waiting back at her place, and maybe he was making up excuses for him but it was just so desperately hard to comfort someone so desperate for love without letting your true feelings out. She wasn’t that young anymore. She hadn’t seem so distraught after everything happened, before he went to sleep after four days of her hanging around his apartment, she even looked quite happy, as happy as she could be in the situation.
Maybe he should have known better. Maybe he shouldn’t have called Erza to tell her he was handling it. Maybe he should have had the strength to push her away when the white-haired kissed him even though he knew how heartbroken she always looked the few other times she had tried. Maybe he just cared a lot more about her that he was ready to say out loud. Maybe he had been lying to himself for the past year when he told himself that she was just some very hot demon he kind of liked more than other people.
It was his fault. He was trying to fix it now, tell her there was no need to panic and that he understood how serious it was and that he was not going to let her face it all by herself. If they were doing this, then it was ride or die for him. He wasn’t one of these people that didn’t stand behind their decisions and went back to normal after it. He just wasn’t. She was going to let him in, and he was going to help her through the whole grief. He didn’t care what the useless fools back in the guild, or the thunder legion, or his grandfather had to say about it. He would help her.
He heard her jump at the loud banging his hands made in the door. The first time. the second time he banged he could barely hear her move slightly, probably burying her head into her knees. The third time he banged, Nothing. She didn’t move, she still cried but nothing. The fourth time he honestly fought he was going to break down the door although he was trying not to. “Mira, just open it, please.”
There was a silence, a long break where he could no longer hear her crying, he almost had hope. But it was just that, silence. She didn’t move, he could barely hear her cry anymore. He was trying really hard to care about who could see him in so pathetic a position and swallowed away his pride barely containing his anger. He banged again almost screamed this time, but his lungs felt too heavy.
“Mira.”
He didn’t really understand what he had done so wrong. She seemed calm and happy before this whole thing. He had fallen asleep quite peacefully while she was all settled in his arms. She was wearing his old metal t-shirt that was way too big for her. He remembered her body felt skinnier in his hands because she hadn’t been eating right for the past week although he tried to stuff her with sandwiches and pastries every chance he got for the last four days.
He remembered her left arm still had claws and golden scales that felt cold on his fingers because she had troubles keeping her magic under control because of the nightmares. He thought there couldn’t be anything hotter than to see the purple light and claws shine out whenever she was trembling with pleasure. She didn’t see it that way, always apologized anytime it happened and rushed a few minutes later to get cotton pads for the scratches she made on his arms and back. He didn’t know if her arm had gone back to normal when she left while he was sleeping.
It was wrong. This whole situation was wrong, and ridiculous. He felt like he had reached the highest point of humiliation that he was willing to tolerate. You couldn’t help someone that didn’t want to help. You couldn’t force someone to accept your care and affection if they remained so hard-set on keeping you out of their space. You couldn’t spend days banging on a door if they wished it would be a wall. You just couldn’t. He wouldn’t do it.
“Fine. Do what you want.”
It wasn’t raining anymore. The air was still cold, but the sun was shining a weak light through the clouds into the town. He heard a thunder crack, and then another. His anger had called a storm. It happened sometimes. Not that he cared, it wasn’t even going to rain so it was a problem for anyone but him. He walked again towards the guild trying to ignore the muffled cries that he could still hear behind the door as he made his way though the town.
He didn’t really care anymore. Or he did because his stomach still hurled inside whenever the sound came in contact with his ears. But he wasn’t going to do anything about it. He had jobs to do and ambitions to fulfil. If she wanted space and to be alone during this time, if she regretted everything and never wanted to speak to him ever again, it was fine, he could handle being the villain. He was already the villain for a lot of people. He could handle her anger but the only thing he could never tolerate was her indifference.
.
He knew how he felt but he didn’t know how to act. He never asked for an apology, if anything he was the one that had to apologize for the way he had acted once he came back from his job. She always found a way to unsettle him, take down his defence with some new angle he wasn’t aware existed. That’s why he used to like training with her, she was unpredictable. If there was a weakness in his defence, he could count on her to find it. He only wished she would tone it down from time to time.
“Okay. Thanks.”
She didn’t answer. She smiled sweetly before going back to staring into the darkness. He got a new cigarette out. He didn’t care what she would say or the slight way she frowned when she saw it. She didn’t think they were healthy, although she used to smoke with him way before this whole mess. He always wondered how someone could change her mind so quick about something. He would suffer through her judgement. He needed it. He had had a very stressful day to say the least, his ego had.
“Tough day?” She humoured while he lit it and breathed out the first puff.
He only grinned and nodded his head. She was staring at him now, not waiting for anything, just staring while he sucked the smoke in to calm his nerves. It was unsettling, but not as much as other things she had done. He could bear it. Still, he couldn’t figure out why she still stared right into his soul. Maybe she wasn’t really okay with keeping this conversation for after the Games. Maybe she was worried if he had understood her apology or expected some other acknowledgement for it. He wouldn’t give it. He needed some kind of revenge.
“Do you want one?” He only asked as she continued to glare at him.
She finally looked away, back into the stars. Then she got her shoes on back again before standing up and leaning across the bars like he had done just before. She was only a few feet from him but crossing the distance seemed like a very dangerous game right now. Or maybe she was waiting for him to man up and do something. or maybe he should be concerned about starting to talk like Elfman. It was genuinely worrying.
“You know I don’t like the smell.” She only replied with that little laugh without glancing at him. it was his turn to stare, still deciding if this whole situation was some sort of opening he should take advantage of. None of them was drunk, for once. He still worried somebody would go up the stairs and found them in a compromising position. He hadn’t heard Cana go up last time because he had been too distracted to care. Maybe trying again would be pushing it.
“You used to like it.” He shrugged, trying to innocently lean back on the bars closer to where she was leaning. Just to see if she would stand back or let him get closer, trying to ignore the fact that he had just graduated from a thirteen-year old’s behaviour to a fifteen-year old’s. Things were looking up.
“I used to like a lot of things.” She didn’t move away, only glared at him with that knowing slight grin. He also smiled a bit. Because it felt good to joke about it.
“Yeah, I know.” He said low, almost whispered. Just to see the slight blush come to her cheeks as she started laughing lightly.
“Just tell me something.” He suddenly said, biting his tongue because he knew that was the time where she should definitely shut up before he said anything stupid that would get her mad.
“What?” She grinned even wider, with that curious light into the deep blue eyes that always lit up whenever gossip was involved.
He didn’t ask too fast, in fact he very voluntarily and obviously got even closer with his back still on the racks as she stared. She let him, the curious light still shining, getting suspicious of his intentions like all the times he liked to play with her feelings with some snide flirting remark he knew would make her redder than a tomato and so mad she would either punch him or leave very angrily. He always thought it was funny, how fast she would get flustered and immediately assume he was making fun of her. The downside was she would never flirt back with him, unless she was drunk, or high, or very very mad.
He still took the risk and got even closer, brushing against the cold, sweet skin of her left arm. He felt her tense up, but she didn’t move, only kept staring into his eyes while hers got darker as the suspicions grew into her head and she was getting ready to react. Maybe she would punch him, although that was going to be difficult to explain to the others downstairs, or maybe she would just go for his biggest insecurity and snark back. She could be kind of a bully sometimes. He tried to stop wondering as he leaned in and whispered against her ear.
“When you’re alone, do you still think about me like that sometimes?” He had meant it to be flirty, but he was already getting ready for the backlash as she very obviously tensed up with her eyes widened.
She didn’t punch though, nor did she get angry. Instead, she turned very slowly to face him with a snarky grin that almost scared him to death. She didn’t get flustered. She slightly blushed but her voice was unsettlingly very steady, like she was robbing him of the effect he was trying to get out of her. Instead, she snatched the cigarette from his mouth and brought it to hers before he had time to even complain about it. Not that he truly wanted to. She took one breath in without losing his offended stare, then she gave it back.
“Sometimes.” She grinned then, just a little while he only frowned. Then, she turned her back and walked towards the door with a slight laugh he wouldn’t have caught if it wasn’t for his hearing, before disappearing behind it. The light had the time to shine entirely on him and then go completely dark with a slight bang before he remembered to breathe.
Last Chapter
