because i relate to her the most.
(DISCLAIMER!!! this isnt a hate post!! this is a character insight!!!)
i don't mean for this to be particularly edgy, or a vent post, no not at all. this is more directed to be an insight on HER character, not mine :)
initially, i found her quite insufferable. dont come for me!
i found her character to be achingly aloof and meek. like she is so annoyingly unaware of the problems around her. her insistent positive attitude and inability to show that she has ANY grasp on the despairing situation. it was unbearable to watch her brush past the reality of everyone's grief and try so painstakingly to be a sort of pacifistic peacemaker when it was not needed!! read the room, girl!
i'm an AVID, "to feel is to heal" kinda girl. all the way. i believe trying to avoid such is a waste of time and making an effort to, not only pretend yourself that every thing is fine, but make an attempt to have everyone else be put into that avoidant, gaslighting mindset.
(dont even get me started on jax in a matter of gaslighting mindsets..)
i found her so annoying. i honestly hated her.
up until after episode four.
gangle mutters out something about her good intentions, but lack of sincerity.
something about that resonated and found its resting place where my soul lay in my ribcage.
something about that felt familiar. too familiar.
in episode five, as well.
the constant bickering, her mental fortitude and battle with her pent up negative emotions, but trying not to be mean or hurt anybody.
then watching her bar scene, describing her mother.
everything totally fell into place. taking hits, LITERALLY like a ragdoll, from her mother.
that scene gave a feeling to me. it laid out exactly the mental dynamic she set up for herself.
'but its your mother! you couldnt hate your mother! she may be mean, she may yell and scream and berate you, but she sacrificed so much! you cant complain!'
'dont tell her how she makes you feel, shes got a lot on her mind.'
'you cant be upset, youll just burden her more'
'just be the happy little girl i know you are'
that is EXACTLY what went through my mind hearing her backstory
its like everything about her made sense. because she was like me!
like i said, this isnt meant to be a vent post. however, my mother, initially when i was younger, and she was in the pinicle of addiction, she was very angry. i felt as though it was my job to be a positive light. not only to be less of an added weight to her shoulders -younger me assuming thats why she was so angry and violent at the time-, but to keep my siblings happy.
i didnt want them to worry. and i developed a people pleasing mindset
i became that therapist friend, the advice friend, the one you vent to, the one who's always smiling. the ragdoll!
i became the one who was always a shoulder to cry on, but when it was me that needed such, people were weird.
and i hated that. i really did. i found it insufferable, i wished i could be as shamelessly unafraid to feel the things i felt like everyone else, i hated that i felt the pressure to always be happy.
of course, now with my better understanding of her character, i enjoy her presence a little more. as now, i understand shes not the way she is in a way of getting some ego boost from taking a pacifist route through the digital circus, but she just wants to be a light for those around them who cant seem to be one themselves.
but when her light is dimmed, whos going to be there to lead her through the dark?
