The Mommy Myth by Susan J. Douglas and Meredith Michaels
“Intensive Mothering” as defined by sociologist Sharon Hays.
“New Momism” originated in 1942 with Philip Wylie’s book Generation of Vipers where he attacked (let’s be real) moms for being smothering and turning their sons, America’s soldiers into weaklings as “Momism”. This new definition refers to a highly romanticized and demanding view of motherhood where standards for success are impossible to meet.
“Intensive mothering insists that mothers acquire professional-level skills such as those of a therapist, pediatrician (’Dr. Mom’), consumer products safety inspector, and teacher, and that they lavish every ounce of physical vitality they have, the monetary equivalent of the gross domestic product of Australia, and, most of all, every single bit of their emotional, mental, and psychic energy on their kids. We must learn to put on the masquerade of the doting, self-sacrificing mother and wear it at all times. With intensive mothering, everyone watches us, we watch ourselves and other mothers, and we watch ourselves watching ourselves. How many of you know someone who swatted her child on the behind in a supermarket because he was, say, opening a pack of razor blades in the toiletries aisle, only to be accosted by someone she never met who threatened to put her up on child-abuse charges?....Motherhood has become a psychological police state.”
“Intensive mothering is the ultimate female Olympics: We are all in powerful competition with each other, in constant danger of being trumped by the mom down the street, or in the magazine we’re reading. The competition isn’t just over who’s a good mother--it’s over who’s the best. We compete with each other; we compete with ourselves. The best mothers always put their kids’ needs before their own, period. The best mothers are the main caregivers. For the best mothers, their kids are the center of the universe. The best mothers always smile. They always understand. They are never tired. They never lose their temper. They never say, ‘Go to the neighbor’s house and play while Mommy has a beer.’ Their love for their children is boundless, unflagging, flawless, total. Mothers today cannot just respond to their kids’ needs, they must predict them--and with the telepathic accuracy of Houdini. They must memorize verbatim the books of all the child-care experts and know which approaches are developmentally appropriate at different ages. They are supposed to treat their two-year-olds with ‘respect’. If mothers screw up and fail to do this on any given day, they should apologize to their kids, because any misstep leads to permanent psychological and/or physical damage. Anyone who questions whether this is the best and the necessary way to raise kids is an insensitive, ignorant brute. This is just common sense, right?”
“According to postfeminism, women now have a choice between feminism and antifeminism and they just naturally and happily choose the latter. And the most powerful way that postfeminism worked to try to re-domesticate women was through the new momism. Here’s the progression. Feminism won; you can have it all; of course you want children; mothers are better at raising children than fathers; of course your children come first; of course you come last; today’s children need constant attention, cultivation, and adoration, or they’ll become failures and hate you forever; you don’t want to fail at that it’s easier for mothers to abandon their work and their dreams than for fathers; you don’t want it all anymore (which is good because you can’t have it all); who cares about equality, you’re too tired; and whoops--here we are in 1954.”
A doozy? Well re-reading this tome made me think of the moms on Stranger Things and the fan reactions to them. I in fact thought of this book because the demands of motherhood have changed since the 1970s when most of the Party where growing up and there was an anti-feminist backlash around that time that culminated in a media that co-opted the idea of feminism and exploited boomer anxiety about raising their kids without the trauma of their childhoods.
