Anon wrote: Hello, I am ESTJ female.. consciously working on my weaknesses for few months now specially around how I come across people little bluntly at times. I think I have become more open and accepting to people with different thinking than I was before.
I came across one mature ISFP male teammate (my guess he is lSFP). He is very different than me - not much into planning, organizing.. little chaotic, forgetful at times. He appears very cool, calm and doesn't talk much. He is kind of soft guy but will do what he feels rite, little rebel that way.
We started talking and spending leisure time together sometime and I sense that he is slowly opening up with me. This is purely non romantic relation more like friends. But he is now keen to spend time with me and talk to me on various topics. He shares his future plans or his opinion about something, asks my plans or opinion in general.
My question,
Am I making some progress in overcoming my weakness as introvert is opening up with me?
How to maintain this relation or take it ahead in healthy way - what are dos and don'ts for ISFP people?
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In order for a new relationship to get off the ground, two people have to establish good rapport, which usually arises through mutual sharing and self-disclosure that moves at a respectful and gradual pace. If it is quite easy to establish good rapport at the start, two people are said to have good "chemistry". Good chemistry mostly just happens. It's not something you can really force or control (nor should you try) since you simply don't know the person well enough to manipulate how they feel about you. If two people feel like they're on the same page or operating on the same wavelength, they should take it as a big encouragement to continue on. The trust and comfort conditions for a relationship to develop further are in place.
At the beginning, it's natural for people to present themselves in a generally positive light. But as trust and comfort grows, you both share more and more private stuff, and you'll have more and more opportunity to see the negative aspects of each other. The more that two people get emotionally involved with each other, the more opportunity there is for past ego dramas to rise up and old ego defenses to get triggered. Different people have different perspectives, baggage, preferences, beliefs, values, opinions, and goals, and there's bound to be some disagreement or conflict when differences come to the fore.
While you can't control initial chemistry, you can control how you respond to differences as the relationship evolves. How you handle conflict is the true test of your personal growth. Do you have the self-awareness to know when your ego dramas/defenses get triggered? Do you have the presence of mind to know when someone has been triggered by you and then proceed more sensitively? Ego dramas/defenses operate very automatically, so an essential aspect of personal growth is becoming aware of them. You have to learn to step back from ego, see what it's doing, address what's really happening, and choose a better way than the ego's "autopilot" way. Taking "bluntness" as an example, do you understand what triggers it in you and do you have a strategy for stopping that pattern?
I can't answer your first question. There are a variety of possible factors that could lead someone to open up. Some of those factors might have absolutely nothing to do with you and your improved upon "bluntness" problem. For example, a person might open up to you simply because they: are adventurous, feel lonely, are looking to make more friends, or have no particular qualms about opening up to anyone who's interested in listening. In other words, you're asking me to read his mind and tell you whether his behavior is connected to you (and your progress). I can't read minds.
"Mindreading" is a bad habit in relationships because it often results in assumptions. Assumptions that turn out to be false have the potential to create pointless misunderstandings. If you want to know what someone is thinking/feeling, it's best to learn it through proper communication. For instance, if you want to know whether someone is comfortable around you or whether they find you off putting in some way, why not just ask them? But he has not given any non-verbal indication that he's uncomfortable or put off by you, so there's no need to ask, is there?
Practical relationship tips are already provided in the Site Index. Do you need more than that? You're looking for rules to follow but relationships don't abide by hard rules, which is why relationship advice often takes the form of generic principles like "be kind and respectful". Relationships are fluid, always evolving, as two people learn to navigate around each other's needs, desires, differences, and preferences, so being adaptable is a must. You already know that bluntness and judgmentalness are problematic and you're working on improving. What more should we expect of people than a genuine effort to improve upon their shortcomings? Isn't that enough? Do you hold yourself to unrealistic standards of perfection or something?
If what you really fear is conflict, then you still haven't grasped one of the most important concepts of type development: Conflict is grist for growth. To improve self-awareness, you need to learn from your mistakes and missteps, which means that you have to make them. Interpersonal conflict isn't something to be avoided at all costs. It is to be confronted maturely, mined for valuable information about your shortcomings, and used as opportunity to better yourself. Furthermore, through confronting conflicts and working through them calmly together, as a team, a relationship is strengthened and grows deeper over time. So, what is there to fear?
tert Si: limited by and stuck within past knowledge/experience
tert Ni: presumes to know “the truth” but oversimplifies everything
tert Ti: only trusts own analysis even when mired in contradictions
tert Fi: stubbornly stays on the wrong path even as failing badly
tert Se: uses superficial/selective evidence to justify problem behavior
tert Ne: indulges overactive imagination that produces absurd beliefs
tert Te: uses aggressive methods to bury personal issues/failings
tert Fe: fishes for affirmation in lieu of addressing bad judgment
**These “notes” are meant to be supplementary to the Type Development Guide (see: mbti-notes.tumblr.com/development). Without enough knowledge of cognitive function theory and function misuse, you may not fully understand what the notes mean.
Little reminders for when you are overindulging a function:
Se: you don’t have to react to everything that happens
Ne: not everything you imagine is worth the attention
Te: not everything you see as a “problem” is a problem
Fe: not everything someone does has something to do with you
Si: what you think you know is not all there is to know
Ni: believing something is true does not make it true
Ti: if it only makes sense to you then you’ve got a problem
Fi: what you feel does not always tell you what is real
**These “notes” are meant to be supplementary to the Type Development Guide (see: mbti-notes.tumblr.com/development). Without enough knowledge of cognitive function theory and function misuse, you may not fully understand what the notes mean.
Can you think of any MBTI-related reasons an ESFJ might act unreliably/irresponsibly, abandon promises in favour of "more fun" things or people and be unwilling to acknowledge their behavior/mistakes, instead getting defensive/angry, deflecting criticism ("you misunderstood!", "it's not my problem you can't understand what I mean"), invalidating ("you're being sensitive!"), changing topic, apologizing but seeming like they don't understand what they're apologizing for/like they don't mean it.
In any extravert, underdeveloped introverted functions leads to unreflective behaviors and ignoring what is important for personal growth and well-being, especially when looping. If it is stress related behavior, then you must examine the source of the stress. Read the type development section for more detail.
