To split means to divide up, and is a term used to describe when people with PDs get stuck in intense black-and-white thinking that divides people and things into extremes like ‘all good’ and ‘all bad’. Splitting is a defence mechanism most often described as part of BPD but is also experienced by other cluster B disorders. It is often accompanied by intense anger or distress.
There are many similarities in the way splitting looks and feels across the cluster B disorders, although what triggers our splits might be different. Splitting can be both negative (someone or something is worthless and bad) or positive (someone or something is amazing and perfect) but in both cases, the belief is extreme, unrealistic or unnuanced. Here are some potential triggers for splitting in NPD:
Making a mistake
Finding a task or new skill difficult
Being ignored or someone not paying attention to us
Being complimented
Someone confessing a crush on us
Getting a particularly good/bad grade
Receiving highly positive/negative feedback
Feeling insulted, disrespected or not being taken seriously
Being (falsely or accurately) accused of something
Being disappointed
Being seen as weak or incompetent
Someone acting like they're better than us/more knowledgable etc.
Why does splitting occur?
Situations like the ones listed above can trigger a rush of intense thoughts and/or emotions in people with PDs, who often struggle with emotional regulation. Splitting is the brain’s way of trying to handle these thoughts and feelings and make sense of a potentially complex or overwhelming situation.
People with NPD typically struggle to recognise or tolerate grey areas or mediocrity; there is only perfect or worthless, superior or inferior, etc. A person may be seen as either perfect and special or useless and worthless. Splitting can also occur when something happens that contradicts a person with NPD’s beliefs about themselves or another, for example when someone’s equal or chosen person disappoints or upsets them, or when a person with NPD has an experience that threatens their grandiose sense of self.
‘How can someone I care about or idolise do something bad or hurt me?’
‘How can I have made a mistake when I’m perfect?’
These are some of the intolerable contradictions that splitting exists to try and make sense of.
What does splitting sound like?
Here are some examples of a person’s worldview when splitting. In a split, these thoughts can occur towards people we normally wouldn’t think this way towards, like loved ones that we care about. Mentions of homicidal and suicidal ideation; reader discretion is advised.
Splitting on oneself: I am a god amongst mortals and everyone should be grateful to be in my presence. I’m so perfect and wonderful. It can’t be my fault, I never do anything wrong. Everyone worships me. // Everyone hates me and anyone who says otherwise is a liar. I am the worst, I am so worthless and stupid. I need to just disappear. I should kill myself. I’m a monster and I deserve to die.
Splitting on others: They’re incompetent, useless, worthless. Their lives mean nothing, they are utterly worthless. I hate them and want them to die. I want to make them suffer like they’ve made me suffer. They should kill themselves. They deserve to die. I don’t care about their worthless feelings. I don’t care if they suffer. I could ruin their lives and take everything from them.
Splitting on a task or activity: This is ridiculous and pointless. Anyone who actually likes this is stupid. There’s no point trying. I’m quitting, I’m just embarrassing myself. I hate doing this.
What’s it like when we split?
Splitting can sometimes lead to a ‘narc crash’, which is when a person with NPD loses their grandiose ‘false self’ and feels intense distress, self-loathing, hopelessness etc. Splitting might lead to a crash if someone is splitting on themselves and sees themselves as worthless and terrible, or if the experience of splitting and the thoughts that occur alongside it feel shameful.
Here are some anonymous confessions from people with NPD about how they experience splitting:
‘[When I split on someone,] I begin to feel contempt for them and think they’re completely below me and want to bring them down’
‘If my equal person disappoints me I split and devalue them... it makes it very hard to keep relationships’
‘It’s always on a chosen or equal person. It feels like my entire perception of them gets rotten or infected... all I see [are the things about them I hate]... I’m afraid I will give in and hurt someone, and I don’t wanna do that’
‘My splitting is almost exclusively targeted at myself and usually negative... even the things that usually bring me back up feel shallow and like pity’
‘I either crash out and... just want to destroy everything and give up. Or I’m like angry and fuelled to change everything about myself & my life... if I am self-aware during it then I crash harder bc it’s embarrassing to me’
Clinical formulations and case conceptualisations are introduced in this post.
These are all generalisations and theories of how NPD develops, not something that is supposed to be true for everyone with NPD.
Psychodynamic model
Freud suggests parents either overvaluing or neglecting (or both) a child can lead to NPD & especially inability to form healthy, lasting relationships and regulate self-esteem
"In other words, [NPD] is the outcome of insufficient gratification of the normal narcissistic needs of infancy and childhood."
Kohut theorises that narcissists' ability to form a cohesive sense of self and others was developmentally arrested in childhood, resulting in grandiosity & idealising others
"Narcissistic injury" = fragmentation of the self
Kernberg suggests grandiosity & exploitation result from maternal emotional abuse
Grandiosity is an "emotional escape valve"
Grandiosity & entitlement mask the "real self" that is "split off"
The real self unconsciously holds rage, fear, envy, deprivation
Defensive structure is same as BPD but difference is grandiosity
Biosocial model
NPD is primarily the result of environment, especially "parental indulgence and overvaluation, learned exploitive behavior, and only-child status"
Special treatment from caregivers leads children to believe that the "world revolves around them", and therefore they expect the same outside the home
When special treatment outside the home doesn't happen, they "experiment with demanding and exploitive tactics and subsequently develop considerable skill in manipulating others"
"At the same time they come to believe that most others are inferior, weak, and exploitable."
NPD is self-perpetuating through sense of superiority, lack of self control, sense of entitlement, and dismissing of those who reject their world / self-view
Cognitive-Behavioural model
Key feature of NPD is self-aggrandisement
Core beliefs:
> Deserving of special treatment
> Not bound by social norms and rules
Conditional beliefs:
> Others should be punished for not recognising their specialness
> To maintain that special status others should be subservient to them
Instrumental belief:
> Always strive to demonstrate their superiority
> See themselves as special, superior, entitled to special favors and treatment, and vulnerable to loss of status
> View others as inferior but potential admirers
Main pattern of behaviour is "seeking prestige, power, position, and wealth as a way of reinforcing their image of superiority", using "manipulation and guile" if necessary
The primary schema is superior & special (/ entitlement & grandiosity)
> Superior schema "shaped by flattery, indulgence, and favoritism"
> Special schema shaped by "rejection, limitations, exclusion, or deficits"
> Common denominator is the belief that the individual is different in some way
Three subtypes:
> Self-centered impulsive type
> Ruthless impression-management type
> Acceptance-oriented impression-management type
> Each type is centred around an impulse control deficit developed in childhood
> "Specifically, these individuals learned to seek reinforcers without having to work for them. This resulted in their development as self-indulgent, egocentric, and impulsive individuals."
> Ruthless & Acceptance-oriented types focus on creating favourable impressions with others, but struggle with long-lasting healthy relationships because of their empathy deficits
Interpersonal model
People with NPD were raised in an environment of "selfless not contingent" love, leading to insensitivity to others' needs
The caregiver was over-adoring, but there was also a constant threat of a "fall from grace", with pressure to be the perfect child
The constant overbearing love means that any criticism or disappointment hits very hard
"In short, there is extreme vulnerability to criticism or being ignored, together with a strong wish for love, support, and admiration from others. Noncontingent love and presumptive control of others is expected and even demanded. If support is withdrawn, or lack of perfection is evident, the self-concept degrades into severe self-criticism."
Integrative model
People with NPD are hypersensitive
Seen as exceptional children, leading to pressure to perform
As children likely had highly developed speech and interpersonal skills
Life purpose: "I’m special and unique, and I am entitled to extraordinary rights and privileges whether I have earned them or not."
World-view: "Life is a banquet table to be sampled at will. People owe me admiration and privilege."
Goal: "Therefore, I’ll expect and demand this specialness."
Defense mechanisms: rationalisation and projective identification
Parental injunction: "Grow up and be wonderful—for me."
"The illusion of specialness, disdain for others’ views, and a sense of entitlement lead to an underdeveloped sense of social interest and responsibility. This, in turn, leads to increased self-absorption and confirmation of narcissistic beliefs."
- From Sperry, Handbook of Diagnosis and Treatment of DSM-5 Personality Disorders (2016)
helloo! i made a diagram showcasing the overlap and differences between npd and aspd(a small continuation of the npd and bpd venn diagram i made), please tell me if i got anything wrong or if some stuff needs revisioning :>>
(And a narc's perspective on the "Narcissistic Abuse Cycle")
Maintaining relationships, especially romantic or queerplatonic ones where closeness and emotional intimacy are expected of us, can be very difficult as a person with NPD. Lower empathy levels, unreasonable standards or entitlement, emotional impermanence, jealousy, relational dissociation and avoidance of vulnerability are among the aspects of NPD that can make being in relationships harder, but difficult doesn’t mean impossible, and people with NPD can achieve healthy, loving relationships if they desire them. As I am not currently in a relationship, I’m drawing from past experiences as well as the experiences other NPDers have shared with me.
I will also touch on some of the misinformation and stigma surrounding people with NPD in relationships.
Side note, if you or someone you're dating has NPD, here are some resources (not by me) that might be helpful to you:
[Advice for dating someone with NPD]
[Communicating intense/irrational emotions]
Now, let’s get into it!
Emotional intimacy with NPD is tough. Many of us have avoidant or anxious attachments, have experienced abuse and/or neglect, fear abandonment or rejection, and never learned how to have healthy connections with others. NPD itself is built upon a deep-rooted insecurity, self-hatred or lack of sense of self, and that impacts the way we relate to and interact with others as well. That does not mean that NPDers are going to be abusive in relationships. Dating with any serious mental health issues is always a challenge, but not inherently toxic.
What is it like to be in a relationship with NPD?
I asked some fellow NPDers about their experiences in relationships. Here are some things they shared with me:
“Comforting [others] is difficult with low empathy...I’m uncomfortable with strong emotions and even laugh when I or someone else is upset.”
"I really don't feel any empathy for partners & can't even pretend to care abt their feelings."
"Hyping up my gf is easier because she's equal to me, so I idolize her like I do myself."
“I struggle...bc I see vulnerability as below me. I also don’t think anyone is worthy.”
"I find it hard when my ideals are not agreed with...if you don't agree with me, that means I'm wrong and I'm never wrong. We have to talk it out if things like that happen but it's still difficult."
“I struggle with extreme jealousy when it comes to my partner doing pretty much anything without me, especially when it comes to other people...I rarely voice this though, mainly because I want to conserve their view of me.”
For many people with NPD, we want to control the image we project of ourselves. We may want to come across as perfect as possible to ensure we are liked and admired. Because flaws and weaknesses feel like reason to hate or reject us, we are more resistant to being vulnerable or admitting to any struggles we are facing internally or within the relationship. This greatly limits the ability to emotionally connect to and feel safe with a partner. In the past, my relationships haven't lasted very long due to this.
Splitting and black-and-white thinking can also be an issue in NPD. Of course, it is unrealistic to expect our partner to have no flaws, never get upset with us and agree with us on everything, but any friction, any disagreements, or imperfections my partner may have, can feel like evidence that they aren’t right for me and our relationship is never going to work. This is an example of black-and-white thinking that has been left unchallenged in the past: anything less than perfect isn’t good enough.
None of these issues are things that can’t be worked on or accommodated. With therapy, good communication with our partner, a support system, and simply practice, people with NPD can learn how to open up, seek reassurance, and trust their partner. Cognitive empathy can be learned, but empathy is not essential to be a supportive and compassionate partner.
This brings me to talk about “narc abuse”...
I have discussed before why narcissistic abuse is not a helpful or legitimate term for the abuse someone has experienced. “Narc abuse experts” often have a misconstrued or totally false concept of what a narcissist, i.e. person with NPD, is, and ascribe general toxic and abusive behaviours (lying, cheating, verbal abuse, financial abuse, gaslighting etc.) to NPD, even though none of these things are unique to any mental health condition, nor mentioned in any current or proposed diagnostic criteria for NPD.
There are many stigmatising beliefs about people with NPD. For example, that we cannot change, that we cannot love, that we won’t seek help, and that we seek out kind-hearted individuals to exploit and abuse for ‘supply’ (attention and validation).
I want to point out that our behaviour in NPD tends to be subconscious and emotionally driven. We’re reacting out of our emotional states, our egos and our trauma wounds. It is not typical of NPD to have a conscious desire to exploit and harm, nor to deliberately seek out and ensnare vulnerable individuals in order to abuse them.
Brains with NPD have neuroplasticity like all other brains, and NPDers absolutely can change, learn and grow. NPDers do seek help from within our community and from professionals all the time. Remission is real and possible. Healing is real and possible. Yes, it can be difficult with NPD to recognise or acknowledge mistakes or weaknesses, but that doesn’t make it impossible.
Love is an ambiguous term that means different things to different people. Whether a person with NPD feels they love in a typical way, in their own way, or not at all, is very personal and individual. It can be helpful to consider that love is not necessarily a feeling, but a choice: to choose a person, to have them in our lives, to care for them and let them care for us, regardless of whether or not we can feel connection, empathy, attraction, or anything else.
Some people use emotional impermanence in NPD as proof that people with NPD cannot love, which is ableist. Emotional permanence can be impaired in NPD as well as other neurodivergences, which can lead to a person requiring a lot of reassurance, insecurity, and having more easily fluctuating emotions. If an emotion is not being felt or shown in that specific moment, it can feel as though it never existed. For example, if someone is angry at us, we may believe they don’t love us because we cannot perceive the love they expressed in the past as permanent. It is not currently being expressed, and thus doesn’t seem to exist.
As a result, people with NPD can seem to lose or gain feelings for someone very quickly. We might seem to move on more easily after a break-up. This does not mean that love we expressed in the past was false or a lie. NPDers with impaired emotional permanence did not choose to have this trait and it does not undermine the validity of anything we do feel.
...and the "narcissistic abuse cycle"
The effects of emotional impermanence and avoidant attachment behaviours in NPD are not a “narcissistic abuse cycle.”
Abusive relationships absolutely can be (but aren’t always) cyclical. A perpetrator of domestic violence or abuse may follow a pattern of love-bombing, a phase of calm or growing tension, an incident of violence and abuse, followed by reconciliation, in a repeating cycle. I am not suggesting abuse cycles don't exist, because they definitely do. However abuse is not inherent to NPD, and is not the same as what I am describing below.
In my personal experience, relationships will start off being desirable and exciting, before something leads them to feel unsafe and uncomfortable. This could be being pressured to open up or a disagreement. The fear of being abandoned can be a motivator to put more effort in and be what my partner wants, only for the avoidant behaviours to creep back in again. This can lead to a “hot and cold”, “push and pull” dynamic.
Phases of enthusiasm for the relationship are not love-bombing, and phases of emotional distance are not meant as manipulation. Instead, it is often a constant internal battle between the desire for love and connection, and the fear of vulnerability and rejection, which can lead to inconsistent behaviours externally and within the relationship. The intent is not to control my partner; it is me trying to navigate the hurricane of conflicting feelings and needs as both a traumatised person and a human being who desires connection.
I do not think this dynamic is healthy or fair. I can only imagine how unsettling and distressing the periods of pulling away can be. But I don’t think it is necessarily always abusive, and it isn’t coersion or ill-intended.
With NPD, the constant need for validation can come at odds to the aversion to intimacy or vulnerability. We want to be loved and cared about, to have our emotional needs met, to be validated and enjoy the company of our partner, but it can also be exceedingly difficult to communicate any fears or doubts that may arise, and we might then find ourselves shutting down, defensive, distancing ourselves and sabotaging the relationship. When we realise what we’re doing, we might try to make amends, only for it to happen again further down the line. Recognising this cycle is the first step to breaking it.
Healthy love takes work
If one or more members of the relationship aren't willing to put the effort in, it may be better not to have that relationship. It's best to leave someone if they're unwilling to work with you, or if you know you aren't willing to work with them.
Any of us who desire relationships deserve to have relationships that are healthy and loving, where our differences are accommodated, we work together to make sure everyone's needs are met, and we are safe. It may not be easy, but people with NPD are just as deserving and just as capable of having this as anyone else.
