So, how fucked would heaven have been in Hazbin Hotel had Hell invaded?
Spoilers for both Hazbin and Helluva boss below.
So, we don't get firm details on the relative population or military forces of heaven or hell in the show, but it's implied that hell considerably outnumbers heaven, but we have no idea by how much.
Except… Helluva Boss repeatedly mentions the Goetia commanding "legions" of demons, and the Lesser key of Soloman the grimoire Vivzi seems to have taken most of her lore from, gives exact numbers of legions, so we can estimate Hell's standing army, if not heaven's.
(what percentage of these legions, if any, were actually loyal to Vox is never confirmed, so this is just an estimation of numbers.)
So, I was going to start with the highest ranking Goetia we meet in the show, Hell's dad-of-the-year runner-up 35 years running, King Paimon.
in The Lesser Key (MacGregor Mathers and Aleister Crowly translation) Paimon directly controls 200 legions, and has two underlings Labal and Abalim, who each control 25. So that's 250 legions. So how big is a "legion"? Well in the roman republic it's about 4,800, in the late roman empire it's around 6,000, but the "Classic" Roman legion of the early empire, after the Marian reforms, with the double-strength first cohort, is 5,280, not counting auxilia support.
Paimon, on his own, commands between 1,200,000, and 1,500,000 troops. Most likely 1,320,000 troops.
1.3 million.
For context, that's about the size of the Active personnel of the entire US military: Army, Marines, Navy and Airforce combined, not counting reserves and civilian DOD staff (US military strength is 2.9 million if they are counted).
Paimon, on his own, has an equivalent armed forces to the USA, and more than India or Russia. The only standing military on earth bigger than his personal, private army would be China.
His immediate family named in the show (Stolas, Andrealphus by marriage) not counting the "So fucking many" kids he has, control 1,610,400 assuming the middle value for a legion. 1.6 million.
Stolas on his own commands (or commanded) 137,280. Closest real-world equivalent would be Algeria (139k). He's got an armed force somewhere in size between the United Kingdon, (144k) and Greece (136k). Fucking Stolas, the demon listed as being “Too pacifistic” in lore. And he’s only got 26 legions, the average is over 30.
The 72 Goetia daemons listed in the Lesser Key, command between them, 2, 699 legions (I made a spreadsheet).
That's between 12,955,200, and 16,194,000. Most likely 14,250,720.
Hell's standing army is over 14 Million, not counting Lucifer and the Seven Deadly Sins troops if they have any... for context, the largest army earth has ever seen, the Red Army circa 1945, was 12 million.
No wonder Sera looks like this for most of Hazbin s2.
So looking into Paimon (the demon lore) is interesting because it’s stated the following:
He was a fallen angel
He’s Lucifer’s most loyal/obedient servant
Hell it even says Paimon was captivated by Lucifer, particularly his singing and would often try to play his musical instruments to match his tune.
Lucifer, while impressed, regardless did not pay that much attention to Paiman due to his pride but Paimon remained loyal.
As a result of being captivated by Lucifer's power, beauty, and mind he was unsurprisingly on Lucifer's side during the War in Heaven, only to be defeated by the angel Haziel.
Because of his loyalty and overall usefulness to Lucifer, Paimon was elected a king of Hell and joined the musical choir of Hell that sings Lucifer's glory.
Paimon is also said to behave much like a traditional genie where he would grant the conjurer a wish but the conjurer in question must be specific in their wish for Paimon could easily twist the order.
Paimon having the BIGGEST one-sided crush on Lucifer though 🤣
What would that ship name even be called? AppleOwl? TwoKings? LuciPai? DevilsCourt? DaddyKings?
I’m just throwing ideas out there. If there is an official ship for these PLEASE tell me the name. I’d love to know.
They are his people after all 😤 it I had my way paimon and 200 bird legion would do whatever Luci asked. Hc that Luci loves them all regardless of their petty squabbles. I like the belief that they are fallen angels.
