ANJO DA MOIRTE ATHE EYES BLUE EYES THWE EYED S THE EYSE IN MY HEAD MIN MY HEQD QANJO DA MOIRTE IN MY HEAD IM NO I DONT I JANJO DA MORTE THE UYES THE UYES THE EYES THE EYES
chapter: chapter III - full of terrors
location: the library
tagging: open
Just as it started, it ended. Unexpected, sudden, incredibly brutal. She still felt the warmth of blood linger on her fingertips, only instead of crimson she had found familiar ink. And then the world around her exploded in chaos as everyone reacted to what had just happened. When the vision stopped, it left a hollow space in her chest. One that very quickly filled with utter devastation. Snaking its way to her throat, she felt like she was choking but she couldn’t move.
The images were still there. Right in front of her. Golden eyes snuffed of life. A head of dark hair she so often brushes now lifeless on the floor. Pages upon pages of archived documents, now stained with the blood of their creator. All dead. All because of her. A work of agony - agony she didn’t feel herself while committing the act but which quickly followed her back to reality. Even though it was just a vision, the pain that followed was much more real. Burying itself deep inside of her, Elise spun around and left to go to a place of familiarity.
There was no recollection of crossing the corridors, everyone else a ghost on her path. It was only when she was clutching a stack of her notes in a fist that it hit her. What was it all for? Her childhood promise of a happy life when years of it were taken, working for others, bending for others, lying for others. Just to watch her home fall to the enemy, to almost give her life for a cause she had no part in, to love the ones around her but be the worst thing that could happen to them.
With a cry that didn’t sound like her own voice, her papers flew to the floor. Followed by one book. And another. And another. All of them were just a waste of her time when she couldn’t even fight the one thing worth fighting - herself.
More cries mixed with the thuds of heavy books broke the silence until one of them slid across the floor and stopped at someone’s feet. Silencing her sobs by covering her mouth with her hand, she leaned against the desk, trying to regain her composure with her gaze towards the floor. “I’m sorry.” Catching her breath, she tried her best to upkeep the rest of her sanity in the midst of the mess she had just created. “I thought I was alone. I’m sorry.”
Ccino has to stay home while Nightmare and Killer have to leave for work.
TW: This chapter contains sensitive content such as: Depression/ Anxiety/ Panic Attacks/ Cyberbullying/ Malnutrition/ (mild cursing-once)
The next morning was just as busy as the previous one. Ccino needed to make sure his kittens had enough to eat while he was away at work. He was thankful that he had invested in an automatic dispensing systems. Once he set the time intervals that his kittens should be fed, the machine would dispense the proper amount of food in each bowl. He had to invest in a few to ensure that no cat would go hungry. Before leaving for work he glanced at his apartment, it was a bit messy. There were a few dirty dishes in the sink, several toys, and other things laying around the living room. As he glanced at the clock, Ccino bit his lips. He was already running behind, so he would just have to clean later.
On his way to work, the barista received good morning messages from his two boyfriends.
Nightmare: Good morning, Ccino. Hope you were able to rest well last night. Also, hope you have a good work day.
Killer: Good morning my sweet little cappuccino! I hope you had a wonderful night, and hope work treats you well today!
The tiny barista couldn’t help but smile at the text messages. He brought his phone close to his chest, imagining that he was embracing the two skeletons.
Ccino: Thank you both! I hope work isn’t too stressful today.. I look forward to calling again!
Once he arrived at work, the skeleton began prepping for the day. After organizing everything to his standards, the store was ready to open. Before he flipped the sign from closed to open, Ccino couldn’t help but yawn. He was unable to get a full night’s sleep. It wasn’t unusual for him, but that doesn’t mean he ever got used to it either. It was tiresome, and his thoughts weren’t much help either. Crap, he forgot to eat breakfast today. Well, good thing he was surrounded by coffee. It was considered breakfast, right? Also, the caffeine should at least help him get through the day.
The morning started off like usual, with regulars ordering, with the addition of new customers wanting to try his famous drinks. However, as the day progressed, he noticed it was getting busier than usual. Not only that, he noticed some people would stare at him from outside and not even enter his café. Some of these new customers even appeared to be glaring at him. Many continued to stare and whisper to each other while glancing in his direction.
The small barista grew increasingly anxious with so many eyes observing him. His breathing became increasingly rapid and he couldn’t take full deep breathes. His soul pounded against his ribs at an alarming rate, threatening to burst from his chest. Reaching his limit, Ccino sprinted to the back of the shop, he needed to escape those watchful eyes! His whole body trembled as his thoughts ran rampant. Was he just overthinking things?Ccino also could’ve sworn that a few people had taken pictures of him. What would they need pictures for? Had he done something wrong? Why were they staring? Why did some of them look at him with hate and resentment in their eyes? He doesn’t even know them! Ccino began spiraling when a ding from his phone startled him.
Nightmare: Hey, Ccino I was able to get a short break right now. Killer’s still busy talking with the producers but he should be messaging soon. How’s work?
It was a message from Nightmare checking in. After reading the message the small barista let out a breath. He didn’t even realize he’d been holding it in this whole time. Ccino still felt anxious, so his breathing was still shaky. A sing tear drop landed on his phone, catching him by surprise. When did he start crying? Was it when he was about to have a panic attack or after he got the message? It was hard to say, but Ccino was thankful that Nightmare had saved him from his mind.
Ccino: The café is a bit busier than usual.. there seems to be a lot of new customers today! I feel like I would’ve lost my head if it weren’t attached to my shoulders ^^;
He was honest in saying he felt somewhat overwhelmed with the sheer chaos of the café shop. He didn’t mention that he nearly had a panic attack because customers kept staring at him. They were already so busy, and he didn’t want to worry them. Within seconds Killer had responded as well.
Killer: You got this, Ccino! I know you can handle this, just take it one order at a time if you need to! Just remember to take breaks if you need and don’t overwork yourself! Also, make sure you eat!
Nightmare: We have to go back to work, but don’t worry we’ll call again tonight.
A small smile formed on the barista’s lips, he looked forward to call his loved ones once again. After rereading the messages a few times Ccino let out a heavy sigh. He decided it was finally time to head back to work. It appeared as if many customers had left, which he was rather thankful for. He felt even more exhausted now, but the rest of the workday went by without a hitch.
The call Ccino had received from his partners was similar to that of yesterday’s. However, this time Killer was able to call first, leaving a rather annoyed Nightmare waiting in the background. It appeared that the next two days would be busier since they would begin recording an interview session. Some would be interviewed individually, and would later be interviewed within a group as well. It all sounded tiresome, but Ccino couldn’t contain his excitement. He would soon be able to see his beloveds on T.V! Before they ended the call Ccino was the first to say he loved them and wished them a good night. Unfortunately, Ccino couldn’t see the reaction he’d invoked in the two skeletons, but their faces were completely flushed. Stumbling on their words a bit, Nightmare and Killer told Ccino they loved him and to have sweet dreams.
The small barista’s chest was filled with warmth. He was filled to the brim with bliss, and he was a little smug because he’d realized he managed to fluster his boyfriends, even if just a little. A ring from his phone distracted Ccino from his thoughts. Thinking it was Nightmare or Killer he quickly raised his phone to answer this call.
He felt his soul drop and broke out in cold sweat when a strange voice stated, “We know who you are and what you did. You’re a real piece of work aren’t you. Trying to use him to get some quick fame.”
Ccino felt chills run down his spine as his hands trembled. His breathing became rapid and shallow. His soul pounded against his chest. What was this? This had to be a mistake. Someone must’ve called him by mistake! They probably entered the wrong number.. “I-Im sorry but i think you..”
The stranger cut him off. “I don’t care what you think! You’re the cause of all this! I know what I saw! Nightmare.. Nightmare was kissing someone other than Killer! It was you in that picture! They broke up because of you!” Ccino’s sockets went dark. Picture? What picture? Was it when.. was it when Nightmare kissed him before he had to go?
This.. this was a huge misunderstanding! Killer and Nightmare were still together! Someone must’ve taken this picture and didn’t bother gathering any information! “W-wait! Let me explain! It’s not what it seems I-“ Ccino’s voice was trembling, he was terrified. Not only because someone was spreading false rumors, but somehow they had gotten ahold of his information!
“LOOK HERE! EVERYONE KNOWS THEYRE THE PERFECT COUPLE! OK?! IF YOU DONT FIX THIS I SWEAR YOU’LL REGRET IT!” Silence. The person had ended the call. Panicking, all Ccino could think of doing was to look online to see if he could figure out was was going on. Sure enough, the first articles that appeared were rumors that someone had torn the famous power couple apart. Clicking on the first article, the primary image that appeared was indeed that of him and Nightmare kissing. When scrolling down the article he found numerous comments. All appeared to be distraught and heartbroken over this fake news. There were also many other comments targeting Ccino, stating he was a nobody, a homewrecker, and various other things.
Ccino’s eyelights were hazy, he felt his thoughts beginning to fog up. Was there any way Ccino could deescalate the situation and clear the rumors? He couldn’t think of any solution at the moment. This was all his fault! The small skeleton contemplated messaging Nightmare and Killer, but it was late at night. No, he cant be more of a burden.. Tears burned the lining of his sockets. They were busy as it is, and he didn’t want to add to their stress. He was sure he could figure something out. His chest hurt, he felt like he couldn’t breathe.
The hours passed and Ccino was still unable to sleep. He wanted to cry, yet his body was unable to. He was exhausted, but he needed to find a solution. He couldn’t rely on others because this was his fault. He couldn’t burden others.. he didn’t want to become bothersome. But, as the night went by, he began receiving messages and calls from unknown numbers, all threatening him. He was at a loss on what to do. Should he respond? Should he just ignore? Does he need to notify the authorities? This was all too much for Ccino to bear alone.
Should he even be in this relationship? Did Killer and Nightmare even truly like him? .... Of course they do... right? Or... maybe not? What if they’re just messaging him out of a sense of duty...? Ccino tossed and turned in bed, unable to fall asleep. His thoughts consuming his mind. Tick. Tock. Time passed, until finally his body and mind were ridden with exhaustion, causing the barista to pass out.
~~~
The next morning Ccino awoke to the meowing of his kittens. It appeared they were concerned since it was late in the morning. As soon as Ccino opened his eyes, he felt something was wrong. He felt... off. His whole being ached with exhaustion which wasn’t from lack of sleep.. it was different. He had minimal energy, and the idea of getting up was already tiresome. He felt disconnected from himself..
The small skeleton forced himself to get up, but he felt sluggish. Every movement he made took a toll on him. Something so simple as walking to the bathroom felt as if it were seeping every ounce of energy he had. He stared at the mirror and almost didn’t recognize himself. His eyelights appeared to be distant and the dark circles under his eyes seemed more pronounced than usual. Ccino sighed.. all he wanted was to lay down and shut his eyes. He had no motivation to do anything today. He walked back to his room and glanced over towards his phone.
That’s right, he needed to see if Nightmare or Killer had messaged him. They would probably worry if he didn’t respond. Picking up the phone he realized they’d sent him a message roughly an hour ago. Slowly, Ccino typed a simple response. He reviewed it, ensuring that it was written in a way so that it wouldn’t worry his partners. After sending the message, Ccino dragged himself to the living room area.
It was a mess.. but the longer he stared at it the less he felt like clearing it up. He glanced at the feeding devices for his cats. He needed to fill them up again.. he didn’t know if he would have the energy to do it later.
Once he was finished filling the machines, he glanced to the kitchen area. The dishes.. they were yet to be done, but.. he couldn’t. He was so tired, his mind and body just didn’t have the means to continue with simple activities. That’s right, he hasn’t eaten since yesterday.. but the small skeleton had no appetite. He decided to lay down on his couch, he just wanted to sleep.
After receiving the message from Ccino, the two skeletons noticed something seemed different. There wasn’t anything obviously wrong that they could pinpoint, but something in the way Ccino had responded wasn’t his usual self. They sent another message to check up on him. Just as soon as they were about to dial his phone number, they were called in to progress with the interview process.
Frustrated, the two skeletons put their phones away. They hoped that Ccino was ok and they were just overthinking everything.
~~~
Ccino’s phone had been blowing up notifications all day. All from unknown numbers with very similar messages. Threats. Hateful words and comments. Degrading him as a living being. Ccino couldn’t take it anymore. He silenced his phone, tired from the constant notifications. But, because he silenced his phone, he failed to notice the message he’d received from Killer.
~~~
The hours passed, and Ccino opened his heavy eyelids. He stared at the wall in front of him. The barista felt numb and empty inside. He wanted to cry so bad, yet nothing. It was his fault, of course. He should’ve done something to prevent this whole situation from escalating so much.
He was surprised and ecstatic when he first realized that he’d been given a chance to be with the two skeletons. He wasn’t sure if that made him greedy, but he loved them both and couldn’t have picked only one. Is this where everything started to go wrong? Maybe... he shouldn’t have gotten involved with Killer and Nightmare. They were doing just fine without him, it’s not like he brought any worth to the relationship..
I mean, what was he thinking? He was a mere barista with no redeeming qualities. But, he’d experienced so much happiness with them both.. to just end it, would surely be devastating for him.
The hours ticked by, and the skeleton was engulfed by the void inside his mind. A soft meow caught his attention. Ccino slowly glanced at his kitten, who gently rubbed itself against his hand, which dangled off the couch. It was an attempt to calm the skeleton, and even though Ccino usually loved this small gesture, he wasn’t in a state to fully appreciate it. All the skeleton could do was blankly stare at his kitten.
~~~
Finally, the day arrived where the whole cast would be recorded on a live stream interview with MV news. Killer bit his lips as he glanced at his phone every two minutes. Nightmare also glanced at his phone, furrowing his brows together. Something didn’t feel right. With how busy they were the day before, they failed to realize that their boyfriend hadn’t responded all day. It was only until this morning they had realized it had been nearly 24 hours since they last heard from Ccino. Nightmare felt something deep in his gut that Ccino was definitely not ok. He was sure Killer had the same idea. He would plan on leaving immediately after this interview. He’d already done mostly everything he needed anyway, there was no point in staying any longer.
“Alright! We’re going live in 5, 4, 3, 2...” the voice of the camera man tore both Killer and Nightmare from their thoughts. They would have to put their concerns on hold for now. Their goal was to get this interview over with and immediately head back home.
“This is MV news with the whole cast of Zu’s studio! This interview is streaming live and all the viewers are allowed to ask questions! Of course, we won’t answer all, but a few lucky fans will have those burning questions answered!” The host from MV news was energetic as always. “Alright let’s get this show on the road!”
It began as any other interview, the host asked a couple of the cast members some questions, such as how they got into acting. Maybe how they got along with other cast members. Ink got asked several questions about acting and makeup, while Error got some questions about his tailoring experience. Nightmare and Killer got asked about their acting origins. It was pretty typical until they started asking the fans’ questions. The initial questions weren’t anything too bothersome. Just a few fans asking a few others for advice, as some were aspiring actors.
“Alright, Nightmare, this question is for you! Some fans want to know how you felt about a certain strawberry themed commercial!”
Nightmare rolled his eyes. It never failed that he would be asked this question at least once in every interview, and he almost always responded the same way, “Please, let’s just move onto the next question.”
“A man of few words I see! Alright, so this next question is for both Killer and Nightmare! Everyone seems to know you two are an item, but many fans want to know, what is your relationship status as of now?”
“What? I mean, we’re currently dating.. I thought we had already addressed this a while back?” Nightmare was rather confused on what they meant about their relationship status.
“Well that may be true, but many fans have heard rumors that you two are no longer a couple! It appears that there may be another skeleton involved?” Before Nightmare could even respond, an image was projected onto a white backdrop. It was a picture of both Nightmare and Ccino kissing. The whole cast was confused about what was going on at this point. Killer decided he would do research of his own, but was appalled by the content he discovered.
“Night...” His voice was low, a serious tone to his usual playful voice. When Nightmare got ahold of the phone and saw the comments first hand, his sockets went dark. The violet skeleton began trembling, he was fuming with rage.
Killer didn’t care about this interview anymore. He needed to get back to Ccino and make sure he was fine. He quickly shot up from his seat. On his way out he glanced over to Nightmare and stopped midway upon seeing the teal gradient forming in Nightmare’s usual violet eyelights. The rage suddenly vanished and was replaced by concern. Killer was fully aware what Nightmare was capable of when he entered this state.
Before Killer knew it, Nightmare had closed the gap between him and the host. He violently grabbed them by the colar. “How long have you known about this!?”
The host was obviously in distress, the way those teal-violet eyes bore into his own.. it felt like they pierced right through him. “W-we only discovered the image a few moments ago.. I-I don’t know anything about the skeleton in the picture!”
“Tsk..” Nightmare was enraged. He was wasting valuable time staying here, but he wanted to know how long they’ve known about this. How long had this been going on for. How long had Ccino been a victim to these awful accusations. He turned to the camera, his eyelights burning with rage. “I swear if I figure out who started this shit...! Hah.. you know I’m disappointed that my fan base is capable of something so.. disgusting. But, since my personal life is so important to everyone, I’m in a happy poly relationship with Killer and Ccino. And I swear on the stars if anything happened to Ccino I will end you personally!” Nightmare’s voice was cold and sharp. Something that Killer rarely ever saw first hand. Nightmare quickly exited the area, with Killer following not too far behind. Immediately, the two headed to the nearest airport, afraid of what they might come home to.
~~~
It was late at night when both Nightmare and Killer arrived to Ccino’s apartment. They had attempted calling him as soon as they landed, but never received an answer. Nightmare could feel his stomach churn with a sense of guilt and self-loathing. They knocked on the door, but the only thing they could hear were the meows of the kittens. Their souls sank. Ccino hadn’t responded to their messages, he wasn’t answering the door, the very worst scenario came to mind. Killer contemplated kicking the door down, but Nightmare fortunately had a spare key to the apartment. Upon opening the door, they were greeted by various distressed kittens. Killer’s kitten sat outside Ccino’s room meowing, almost wanting them to go there first.
As they walked towards the room they noticed how messy the apartment was. Ccino typically kept his apartment clean-ish. It was hard to keep everything organized with all the kittens, but.. this was different. Nightmare only recalled seeing the apartment like this once.. when Ccino was... in his lowest point.. this couldn’t be good. How long was Ccino in this state?
When the two skeletons arrived at Ccino’s room, they both gasped. In the bed lay a single skeleton curled up in the sheets. “C-Ccino..?” Killer softly called out. There was no response. The eyeless skeleton felt a lump forming in his throat. “Ccino?” He called out a little louder. This time he noticed the small figure stirring and saw two small white eyelights glancing in his direction.
“Killer..? Nightmare..? You guys are back..? Or.. am I dreaming..? What.. what day is it..?” Ccino’s voice sounded weak and feeble. When further inspecting his state, their souls ached and were overridden with guilt. The skeleton’s usual bright porcelain-white bones now had a chalky, dusky hue to them, he had dark circles under his sockets, his eyelights hazy and unable to clearly focus. It appeared that if they even dared touch him that this skeleton would surely turn to dust. Nightmare’s sockets burned with tears overflowing from them.
“No.. this isn’t a dream, Ccino. We’re really here.. how did... oh Ccino... I’m so sorry...” Nightmare sobbed as he carefully took Ccino’s hand. Killer cursed at himself, before gently sitting on the edge of the bed. Tears also slowly streaked down his cheekbones before hitting the floor. It was heartbreaking to see Ccino in such a state.
Soon after they rushed Ccino to the hospital, who was found to be severely malnourished and dehydrated. He was lucky enough to have been found before it was too late.
Days went by, and Ccino was slowly recovering. His color was brighter day by day, and he was starting to look like his old self again. Except, the small skeleton still felt numb inside. He would force himself to smile when Nightmare and Killer visited, but they could see through his facade. They told him not to overdo it and that he didn’t have to pretend for them. But, that didn’t stop them from showering him with love and compliments. If it wasn’t for visiting hours, they would have stayed during the whole hospital stay.
While they were away, Nightmare and Killer took the opportunity to address the scandal that started this whole mess. Fortunately, many of the individuals who had harassed Ccino would be facing consequences.
~~~
“I know you guys are worried about me, but.. I can walk you know..” Ccino quietly stated as he was being carried on Killer’s back. The eyeless skeleton insisted on carrying him when he was discharged from the hospital.
“I’m perfectly aware, fluffybuns, but I want to do this ok? Besides gotta spoil you every now and then right?” Killer responded softly.
“Yeah but.. lately it’s been everyday.. not that I mind... but.. I don’t wanna be bothering you two..”
“Please, Ccino you never bother us. We love you and we want to spoil you ok?” Nightmare added to the conversation. “Look, how about we let you walk once we’re about a block from your place, ok?”
Ccino nodded as he buried his face in Killer’s back. He still wasn’t feeling completely ok, but he was doing better. He had to be the luckiest person alive right now. They were so supportive and caring for him, what more could he ask for? At first he was scared they had been spoiling him out of pity and guilt.. though he soon realized they did it because they genuinely loved him just as much as he loved them.
“Thank you..” The small skeleton whispered.
“What for?” Responded Nightmare.
“Mmm.. for.. simply being here right now..” Ccino’s voice began to trail off, and when Nightmare glanced over he saw that Ccino had fallen asleep.
Nightmare and Killer lightly smiled at each other. It was definitely a bittersweet moment. They were glad Ccino was.. ok, at least. But, they wished this wouldn’t have happened in the first place. On this very day, the two skeleton’s vowed to never leave Ccino alone. If they could prevent this from happening again, they would do whatever it takes. They still had many obstacles to overcome, but they would ensure they wouldn’t have to do it alone.
[First]
I know I typically leave an author’s note at the end of my chapters, but honestly I’m not sure what I could say here. This was a heavy chapter with very sensitive topics.
I had some amazing help from @help-im-a-gay-fish They helped me write this story in a way that would discuss depression as respectfuly as possible.
Fortunately, Ccino here was able to have a happy ending. Being surrounded by loving and caring people. And receiving endless amounts of love, affection, and support. But there are many ways this fanfiction could’ve had “bad” endings as well. Also, I had been planning on writing this story for a while but wasn’t sure how to proceed. Then got further motivation/ inspiration from this post. It’s possible this happened before the events of that particular post.
The interview scene was also inspired by this mini comic by @kotikaleo
Once again, thank you @help-im-a-gay-fish for helping me improve the story. Thank you @dragon-tamer-1 for helping me edit the story.
i’m so sorry that requests have been so slow, this week was a very busy one. hopefully i’m going to do a bunch this weekend, but i’m gonna go ahead and tell y’all why i’ll be a bit less active than usual for a while. under the cut since it’s pretty personal and sad. tw for father mention, panic attack mention, and medical related stuff.
so, my dad is in the hospital. i know that may not seem like it should affect me that much, but i get worried really easily. i’m very fortunate to have a good relationship with my dad and i love him a lot, so not being able to see him and knowing that something is wrong with him is really stressing me out. i had a first panic attack today and that hasn’t happened for like.. a long time. i hope you all can understand why i’ll be a bit less active, or just less peppy. i really love all my followers so much and your support means so much to me, so thank you for your patience <3
Whumptober 2020 my people! #1- waking up restrained - Let the whump fest begin! (Clint/Nat.. of course)
She feels hands, hands at her feet, at her wrists, her torso and around her neck. She startles horribly pushing her shoulders up, bucking against the hands that hold and the restraints that pin. He ears are ringing. She’s breathing hard. Her face is wet but she doesn’t know if it’s tears or blood. Probably both.
——-
“Clint?”
Her voice is hoarse, a familiar feeling but not one she’s had to deal with in a long time. It’s strange, she thinks, how familiar hurts can be and bring back memories of time gone by.
Awareness comes slowly, with her head pounding it’s hard to concentrate on anything. Natasha knows she’s losing time because she thinks the same thoughts every time she comes to again, and it feels like Groundhog Day.
“Clint?”
She senses it before she feels it, all of her knowing before she opens her eyes to see.
She’s completely restrained.
Arms.
Legs.
Chest.
The realization that there’s also one around her neck completely sends her over the edge. It’s not tight enough to choke her but if she moves she’s fucked. There’s no wiggle room.
Her heart rate is skyrocketing, her head is pounding and she can’t breathe.
She can’t breathe, and she’s restrained.
She can’t breathe and all she wants to do is curl in a ball, but that’s not happening. She feels prostrated and coherent thought is slipping. Even if she wanted to she can’t take a deep breath, the chest strap pushing down and seemingly feels tighter.
It’s distressing.
She prefers oblivion.
Digging her nails into her palm, hard enough to draw blood, centers her enough to start to work on slowing her breath and lowering her heart rate. It feels like it takes forever and she’s exhausted by breathing.
Natasha knows helplessness, this is it. She hates it.
She can’t even remember how she got here.
Deciding to try again, she puts everything into it, she can’t see him but maybe he’s here?
Yelling this time, she holds the sounds as long as she can. “CLINT??!”
She stops to hear water dripping but nothing else. She can’t even see where it’s coming from, the darkness is all consuming and eats everything in the room. There’s a crackling in her ear, her earpiece she thinks. They must have missed it. So faintly she hears his voice and almost sobs in relief.
“Tash?”
It’s not clear by any means, but it also tells her he’s not here with her. Which means she’s alone. She doesn’t know what would have been worse, is it better that she’s alone in this?
“Coming for you.” Clint sounds so worried.
“Tell us what you can?” Tony this time. Her boys.
She can’t tell them anything useful but desperately wants to let Clint know that they’ve restrained her, that she woke up like this and she’s scared. He’d understand, he’d know all the triggers associated with her current predicament. Assuming she survives this, she feels like she’s going to be on trigger-eggshells for who knows how long. Lowering her voice she tells them she can’t see anything and that she can’t move, she can hear the concern through the silence. She’s proud that she can keep her voice even, years of practice of showing no emotion. They let her know they’re tracking her earpiece. Right, starktec. The stupid genius gets some things right.
Flickers in the dark alert her that someone’s coming closer - reluctantly she opens her eyes. And immediately wishes she hadn’t.
The mask her captor wears is a white generic face mask. Their head is tilted and a gun with torch on the sight pointed straight to her face, blinding her. Natasha doesn’t know where to look - which is more dangerous; the person or the gun? She opts for the person and takes in any information she can behind the light (male, most likely, sturdy, right handed). He doesn’t talk but walks around her slowly, it’s intimidating and ominous. He backs away, without saying anything, without touching her, and she’s left with hope that maybe; just maybe the boys will be here before she cops bodily damage. When 3 more masked captors walk towards her, she knows she won’t be so lucky.
.
Natasha’s loud. She’s loud when she screams and she knows it. It takes a while to get her there but when it happens, she just doesn’t care anymore. Saving face? For who? Better to just let it out. Maybe they’ll stop. It feels like a considerable amount of time before they do. She can feel their sweat as they inject her with something and she’s blissfully unaware.
.
She feels hands, hands at her feet, at her wrists, her torso and around her neck. She startles horribly pushing her shoulders up, bucking against the hands that hold and the restraints that pin. He ears are ringing. She’s breathing hard. Her face is wet but she doesn’t know if it’s tears or blood. Probably both.
They’re moving her?
Wait no.
She knows those hands.
Clint?
She attempts to open her eyes and sees his face next to hers, he’s in a squat next to her head and when the last restraint is released she can finally curl in a ball. She tries to make herself as small as possible.
Touching her head to his, Clint whispers reassuring words, let’s her know they’re all dead. They’re getting her out of here.
Placing a gun in her hands, and wrapping her up in a blanket, Clint continues to talk her through everything that’s happening and happened since she went missing. He’s walking her out of here and she tries like crazy to hold onto his words; where they are (Morocco), what day is it (the 1st now, they’re no longer in September), how long she’d been missing (less than 8 hours). She loses time, pain overwhelming her.
.
Regaining her senses is painful and Natasha can’t quite breathe, still feeling the rub of straps across her chest. She recognises that she’s now in the quinjet, there’s people here she doesn’t recognise. She is still holding onto Clint. She notices Pepper who has a look on her face. She can’t find it within herself to be embarrassed.
She doesn’t let go of Clint. He’s safety in a harbor. Natasha chooses to face away from everyone and clings tightly to him; face buried in his neck. He doesn’t even think to strap her in knowing the reaction. The smell of him grounds her and everything else is white noise. She hears words like infection, and medical but clinging tighter Natasha knows that Clint won’t let her go. Not right now anyway. She feels him brushing away her matted hair from her good ear, whispering to her that he can sedate her before medical if she prefers. Trauma on traumas, but after being held down for 8 hours she doesn’t want to lie down, wants to stay conscious and know what’s being done to her body. Shaking her head, and taking a deep breath, she catalogues her tremoring body.
Today was a very bad day for me. I worked all night, and then was up most of the afternoon. I'd been alone for about an hour when I started to have a panic attack. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't calm down. So, I reached out. I knew I wouldn't be able to slow my breathing for myself, but to have a conversation with a friend, just maybe. I figured it was a long shot, but I was surprised to find that 1) he was awake and 2) he was willing to be on the phone while I was so raw.
We spent 45 minutes on the phone, talking me down, getting me breathing normally, and the entire time, he reminded me that I was valid, that I had nothing to worry about in calling him, that he would always be there. This friend has always been a calming force in my life, and he really helped me today. I've helped him, his boyfriend, their parents, and I never expect to have my energy put back into me. Today has showed me, once again, that I must be at least a decent person... otherwise no one would want to help.
Today does not define me, or eradicate the progress I'd made toward self love. I have to keep reminding myself of that. I am worthy, I am trying, it will get better. I'm exhausted, I have to work tonight, and have to cope with being in a house where I am neither validated or appreciated, but it WILL get better. Tomorrow is a new day.
oH YEAH i forgot to tell yall about this spooky thing that happened a month or so ago (maybe more? time is gone so idk tbh)
so basically i was driving a friend home and we passed a police station where there was some sort of emergency vehicle (not a police car or an emt but it def had lights n such) so like i slowed but i wasn’t sure if i needed to since its lights were on but it didnt really do anything so i kept going and then the moment i passed it, the lights and sirens turned on and so i couldnt really pull off to the side since there was only a right turn lane and since i was turning there then i turned off to try n get out of its way but then they turned too and i just pulled off to the side n it passed me but i was panicking the entire time since i didnt know what to do and i was worried that i had done something wrong and they were going to pull me over but my friend helped by giving me some instructions and tbh had she not been there i would’ve had a full on panic attack
