Runaways AU cw//Ilya Rozanov depressive episode. He talks about how he doesn't want to live. he cries a lot. If you want to just accept he's having a bad time you may scroll until you see the ------- line. the only Real Plot Relevant stuff is under there and I kept the depression thoughts to a minimum after that. Ilya hadn't recognized the darkness creeping up on him until he was in the middle of it. He'd known he was sad, making food for himself was harder, Anya was the main reason he got out of bed in the morning, and Shane seemed to be giving him more attention than usual—that was always a sign. Then one day Ilya had awakened and his emotions couldn't be classified as just looming anymore. No, Ilya woke up on a Saturday, and he wanted to kill himself.
Well, he didn't want to, but somehow his brain hadn't aligned its values. No matter how hard he tried, he kept thinking about it. In fact the harder he pushed the thoughts aside the deeper they seemed to dig into his mind.
Ilya had a good life. He knew this, he ran through the list of facts he'd put together long ago: He had a great community, he had a dog that he needed to be there for, he had a life that would let him take time to himself, and a husband who was as devoted to Ilya as Ilya was devoted to him. His brain smiled at the attempt and whispered at him that he should find a way to die. It terrified him to his core.
A good nights rest did nothing to quiet the thoughts. The next morning Ilya was unable to walk from the closet without looking at the cords disappearing under their bed differently, couldn't enter the kitchen without his stomach flipping at the sight of the knife block, or go to the bathroom without getting scared of the medicine cabinet. Tears sprung into his eyes at every contradictory thought. He didn't want to die. Why couldn't he stop thinking about dying?
Ilya's eyes were perpetually blurry, and every fleeting thought dehydrated him more. He didn't want to kill himself, but he thought about it constantly, a dark presence sat at the top of his spine and whispered at him without pause. It was terrifying. He hated it. It made him feel like a little kid scared of the monster under his bed—except he was the monster.
All Ilya could do was try and distract himself from the thoughts. Even then, any reminder that he even was distracting himself caused him to tear up again. Every brief moment of silence lent itself to the darkness, forcing him to picture all the things he desperately didn't want to do to himself.
Shane was the most help. Ilya felt the most settled when holding his husband, he liked touching his skin and feeling the warmth there. It became routine for Shane to lay on the couch with Ilya for hours—letting his heart beat set the pace for Ilya's. Ilya normally enjoyed the way Shane smelled; currently Shane's scent felt like a life line, something tangible to replace the storm clouds filling Ilya's head. On day three Ilya finally mustered up the courage to request Shane forgo showering so he could smell him better. His head buried under Shane's arm was the longest he went without thoughts of dead eyes.
-
It was close to midnight. Shane's whole body weight pressed into Ilya's chest as Ilya rested his face sideways on a drying pillow.
"Will this pass?" Shane spoke softly, afraid to break something Ilya desperately wanted broken.
"I hope so."
"This isn't sustainable."
Shane was worried, of course he was worried, Ilya was worried. Ilya went to reassure him anyway. "I am not in danger. I just–"
"Ilya, you haven't stopped crying for six days." Ilya felt another bout of tears flood his system at Shane's words. He shoved them down. "I'm not crying right n-" Ilya's voice broke and his half-hour long streak was broken. Shane ran a careful hand up Ilya's side. "I'm going to find a way to get you your meds back."
Ilya tensed underneath him. "Its dangerous. Almost all paths could lead to you being found. If we are investigated at all by a police officer–" Shane squeezed hard and Ilya let his words fall away.
"You are not going to live like this for me." "It will pass." Ilya didn't know that, mostly he felt like the statement was a lie, but he had to say it.
Shane, ever perceptive when it came to Ilya, echoed his thoughts. "But we don't know that."
"It has to pass."
"How long do you want to wait?" It was a compromise. Ilya knew it was the best he was getting.
"Six months."
Above him, Shane jolted. "Absolutely not! I will not have you suffer like this for six months!"
"It is dangerous!" Ilya couldn't have Shane running off to fix this. Shane had worked so hard for this life. Ilya wouldn't let Shane risk his peace for him—he wasn't worth it.
"Two weeks."
"Three months."
"A month."
"You worked so hard for this life," Ilya croaked. "I don't want you to loose it for me."
Shane let out an affronted exhale into the darkness. "We built this life so we can have each other," he correctly sharply. "I would give it all up in a heartbeat if it was what I needed to do to keep you."
Guilt, shame, love, the question of how long it would take Shane to notice if he wrapped the blanket around his throat, and terror at that thought, all entered Ilya's head at once.
"I am not going anywhere," Ilya vowed. "I am just haunted with these thoughts. I- I'm not-"
"You're not allowed to hurt yourself, Ilya."
A sob wracked Ilya's body and he curled into Shane, clawing at the blanket. "I'm not– I'm not."
Shane just held him tighter. "That includes prolonging your pain."
Ilya buried his face into Shane's collar. "Okay." He didn't have the strength in his throat to argue.
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Ilya took a long sip of Shane's coffee. He nodded a thank you as he handed Shane back the cup and moved around to drape himself against his husband's back. The calendar hung on the wall taunted him the number of the days he'd lost. Oh. He hadn't realize what tomorrow was.
"Shane, it is my turn to watch the kids next River Day." Ilya sounded as miserable as he felt.
Shane set down his mug and turned to hold Ilya. "What do you want to do?"
"I cannot let the kids see me like this. I don't want to have to explain depression. I don't want the kids to think they made me cry." Ilya dipped his head like he was going to kiss Shane, but instead just rested their heads together. "Can you go instead?"
"No." Shane shook his head, knocking their noses. Ilya frowned. "I'm not leaving you alone that long, Ilya."
Tears sprung into the corners of Ilya's eyes. He'd stopped trying to fight them two days ago. "I'm fine. I would be fine."
Shane didn't back down. "Its not open to discussion. I will call Taylor's mom."
"Jenny," Ilya sniffed.
Shane's hand tangled itself in Ilya's hair and he finally claimed the teased kiss. "Right, yeah, Jenny."
Ilya started to let his arms fall away as Shane slipped towards the phone. "Thank you."
Shane reached behind him to drag Ilya back into place. "Listen in."
Ilya let his weight fall back down onto Shane. "Okay."
The phone only rang three times before it clicked through to Jenny Fig's mobile.
Ilya kept silent as he listened to the exchange.
"Hey Jenny, I was wondering if another parent could cover Irene's River Day spot. He's not feeling well, and—"
Ilya's lip twitched towards a smile as Jenny didn't even let Shane finish. "Of course, Bodi!" He squeezed Shane once, because he could. "Thank you for letting us know," Jenny was saying. "I hope he's doing alright? Well, no that's a silly thing to hope if he's sick but I hope he recovers swiftly?"
"Thank you, Jenny." Shane replied, much calmer. "I'll let him know. I'm sorry to make you all find a last minute substitute."
"Oh Don't you apologize for a thing!" Jenny exclaimed. "Irene stepping in is always amazing, but rest assured the parents can cover their own kids. Rest up, both of you."
"What! Irene is sick??" Taylor's voice carried across the phone from somewhere deeper in the room. "NOOOOOO!!!"
Shane's laughter shook Ilya's chest.
"I'll miss you sooooo much Irene!!" Taylor screamed. "YOU HAVE TO GET BETTER QUICKLY!" "Inside voice!" Jenny corrected.
The following 'sorry' was muffled.
"We'll do our best, Taylor," Shane chuckled.
Ilya held onto his sobs long enough for Shane to hang up and broke down in his arms once more. Part 18 -> Part 19 -> Part 20
