All you could feel was the cold feeling of the balcony railing digging into the side of your arms, that and the burning in your throat and lungs
You knew what this cigarette could do to you, what it could do to your career and your health.
You weren't dumb per say, you knew the consequences, you were just bad under pressure. or stressed, whatever you wanna call it.
the soft light from the cigarette lights up the tip of your nose, a slightly golden hue.
The starting notes of Emily's song start playing in your ears, God, how you loved this song.
you loved this whole scene.
just you in your own world, watching over the city, with your music and the strong burning taste of tobacco in your lungs.
it was perfect.
almost.
A lanky finger pushes at the side of your stomach, making you jump and whip around just to see Martin's tall frame hovering over you.
His big, toothy grin fades slightly when he notices the lit cig between your fingers.
But he doesn't say anything, he just leans over the railing next to you. And he's quiet for a second, just looking out at the city lights. You can tell he's thinking of what to say.
You don't say anything either, not that you did have something to say, you just pull the cig up to your lips and take a deep breath in.
"Thought you quit."
It didn't sound like a question, though, more of a statement.
His disappointed tone was noticeable, and you knew why.
Your grandpa basically smoked himself to death, and Martin knew that. He was the one picking up the pieces of you after the fact. Everyone knew you weren't the same after.
So watching you do the same made it feel like, to him at least, that you didn't want to live anymore.
"Me too."
He turned his head to you, and you turned to look at him.
His lanky hand reached out to yours, your heart beats against your ribs, eyes shift to his lips, then his hand.
But he does something you never expected. He takes the cig from your hand and puts it to his lips.
And all you could do was stare.
Here he was, Martin, the love of your life (not that he knew that), the same boy you've loved since you met at 13, the boy you knew better than he knew himself.
smoking.
As he blew the smoke out from his lungs, a small cough followed from him and laughing from you.
He gave the cig back as he shook his head. a hand on his chest, trying to calm down from the harsh cough.
"No, nope, I still don't get it."
"...what?"
You could feel the heat from the cigarette closer to your skin, seeing it almost down to the bud, you squish it down before throwing it over the edge.
"I don't get why you smoke; it doesn't taste good."
Martin's was right.
Why did you smoke? It wasn't the taste, it wasn't the feeling, then what was it?
You look back out at the streets of Seoul, the city you now call home. In a 3-bedroom apartment with 5 guys. You think about your daily life, everything you've been through to get here.
And Martin just waited, like he always did, the way he had been since he met you at 13. The way he probably will for the rest of his life.
Martin wasn't a patient man. But for you, he knew he could and would wait.
To say he's been in love with you since you met would be an understatement. Martin truly and wholeheartedly believes you are his person. his soulmate, his missing piece, his wonderwall, his better half.
His everything.
He knew after meeting you, he could never love another. And he wanted to be your forever lover.
"I guess it calms me down."
A frown found its way to Martin's face. All he could think about was how stupid it sounded. Why did you need to smoke to calm down when he was right here?
"that's stupid.."
You turn to see an almost angry look on his face. The same boy who never got angry or annoyed at anything, not at James when he ate the last piece of chicken when Martin hadn't eaten all day, not at Seonghyeon when he couldn't get the steps right to TNT, or any song for that matter, not even when Keonho spilled coffee on his brand new shirt. So why was he so annoyed now?
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Your tone was harsh, and you could tell that he was getting more annoyed by the second, but you were stubborn and overwhelmed, so you really didn't need him to be after you, too.
He couldn't even look at you, mumbling something under his breath, and with the back of his head being the only thing you could see, he was starting to piss you off.
"What the fuck is your problem? why do you care what i do?"
that got him.
Martin could feel his blood boiling. What do you mean? Why did he care? Martin never got mad, like ever, and never ever at you, but you were starting to piss him off, too.
He turned around so fast that you were sure he pulled a muscle in his neck.
"Why I care? Why I care?? Are you serious? Are you actually being for real? Or are you just in denial? because I know you're not that stupid."
His arms were flying around, his face was turning red, and his voice was getting too loud, considering it was almost 4am, and the whole building was asleep.
You needed him to calm down before both of you got in trouble, you more than him.
"martin sto-"
"No! No, I'm not gonna stop. Y/n, I love you. And I have loved you since the day I met you. Now, I don't know if you realized or you're just being dumb, but I won't sit here and watch the love of my life slowly poison herself with that shit, because you're stressed and you think you don't have anyone in your corner, because that's complete bullshit! because I'm right here. And I have been here for the last 6 years of our lives-"
You could feel the tears rolling down your cheeks. You didn't even mean to cry. You didn't know why you were crying in the first place. Maybe because he was yelling, Martin has never raised his voice. You weren't scared of him. so why were you crying? maybe because you could see the tears and hurt in his eyes?
"Martin... you don't me-"
Martin looked like he was going to explode. just from 2 and a half words. How do you not get it?
Martin took a step closer.
"Don't you dare try to tell me what I feel. listen. I might be dumb sometimes, and sure, I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed. And I'm not sure of a lot of things. But one thing I am sure about and have been for what feels like forever is my love for you. You are everything to me, Y/n, my reason for living, my reason for music, you are the music in my heart. I love you more than words can describe, and to be honest, it's disrespectful for you to just sit there and tell me that I don't, when all I know how to do is love you."
Martin knew he shouldn't be yelling right now, but he couldn't help it. not when he's been bottling this up for years.
Martin took another step.
"I love you, Y/n. And I always will. I'm not saying you owe me anything, because you don't. I just need you to understand that you're not alone. ever. no matter what, where, or when. I will always be here for you. because I love you. And when someday I'm 6 feet under, I know my heart will still love you. Y/n. You have me for the rest of time. I promise"
He kept walking until you were so close you could hear his heart. hard and loud heart beats, echoing in your ears.
all you could do was look into his eyes, the soft brown toned ones you've grown to love. the same ones that are now glossed over with tears.
His shaking hand carefully made its way to your face, as if to not scare you away. He didn't touch your cheek right away. not until you lean into it. a shaky breath leaves both of you at the same time, for different reasons.
Slowly, your hands make their way to his waist, slowly up and around to his back before wrapping yourself around him completely. hiding in his chest as tears start to stain his shirt.
"I love you. Martin. so much."
That breaks him.
Martin wraps his whole body around you as he cries. His heart finally, after years of yearning. feels light.
as his tears fall into your hair and yours into his chest. A silent promise is shared between you two.
