I think this is both plural solidarity and also internalized pluralphobia.
I’m going tomorrow to have lunch with another plural system.
We met at the ward during my involuntary psychiatric hospitalization. They were incredibly nice to me. They gave me a book to read. The book was technically nothing special, but it kept me somewhat occupied. Which I needed considering how triggering the entire environment was for me. I barely ate there and once had to get an EKG because I was running an abnormal heart rate so consistently during vitals checks. Apparently my heart is perfectly healthy, I’m just scared out of my mind from the very building. Anyway, along with the book, they also snuck me their contact information so I could text them once I got discharged and got my phone back. I’m finally meeting up with them in person outside of the hospital, and it’s so exciting.
The thing is that I haven’t told them I’m plural. Despite having had multiple opportunities to do so. And despite them being relatively open with me about their own plurality.
I sometimes wonder if they suspect that I’m plural. If they already know somehow. My paperwork from the ward lists me as having “depression with psychotic features” despite genuinely making an effort not to talk to myself. So maybe I tipped them off too? Or this is just me making excuses not to tell them.
I feel like I constantly doubt my validity as a plural. Everyone else can be plural. Except me. I’m the one faking or misinterpreting things. Even if I have no reason to be. I tell others that CDDs aren’t necessary to be plural and also that professionals may not spot one if you do happen to have one. Then I get hung up on my DID screening from years ago (done entirely over Zoom btw) where they decided I didn’t have it. I feel like I shouldn’t tell people I’m plural. Because I’m probably lying.
I’m thinking of wearing my plural ampersand symbol necklace to lunch tomorrow. And saying I’m plural if they ask. But I don’t know if I have the guts. I’m scared they’ll react negatively or violently or assume I’m copying them. Even if I have no proof of this. And the evidence points to the contrary.
This is plural solidarity and internalised pluralphobia.
