There are so many times a day where I feel so incredibly unwell. I can be practically invisible in class and no one bats an eye, I can be distant and silent in the conversation and then realise I’m not actually a part of it at all, I can do all these tricks and stupid stunts that injure me in the long run and they still don’t really pay attention until I’m crying out of pain, I can create art and stories that they don’t even pretend care for until I’m cramming it in their faces. I know it’s selfish but I want their attention, their full, focused attention on me. I want them to talk to me, listen to me, joke with me, be human with me. And it’s so selfish because I feel this way so often to the point where I’m seething with anger and jealousy at people who’ve done nothing wrong. I’ve revealed just about every secret and tale of my personal life to my friend just because I crave that kind of ‘I see you’ moment with someone, blurting them out in a moment just for them to get swept away with a “you’ve told me this before” when what I so desperately wanted is that look of “are you okay?” that I can lie to and say it’s the past. Hell, I had to sprain both my ankles to hold a full conversation with someone, I had to be incapable of movement just for someone to talk to me the way I wanted. And I don’t want to be pitied, I yearn for someone to tell me that I’m not crazy, that my life is not just what I’ve told them, that I’m a person that doesn’t need to be ‘fixed’ or worked out like a riddle, that I’m allowed to just be. I’m so sick that I’ve convinced myself there’s something in my mind, neurologically wrong in my brain, and that can be the only reason for why I’m not considered normal enough. The worst part is that the one I envy most is so much like me, but better. They can hold onto long lasting, healthy relationships without need for escape, they have this natural ‘pretty’ to them that I can never achieve, they have good relationships with their mother and siblings AND they’re so much smarter than me. Next to them—all my friends—I feel like such an idiot. Oldest and dumbest, and probably the most self pitying too.
