#quitting testosterone

[roadtohappy]

Making progress. Slowly piecing things together.

I didn't expect my body to change so quickly upon stopping testosterone. I thought that my body would undergo these changes at the same rate as when I transitioned, it's barely been 2 months since I quit and I've already experienced such a drastic change in my appearance and my mental/emotional processes.

I tried on my favorite pair of pants today which I haven't really worn since before I quit T, they've gotten pretty tight around my hips, butt and thighs! Not only that but my waistline seems to be slimming down, I'm slowly getting that inward hourglass curve. My body just looks overall "fuller" and smoother, if that makes any sense? I thought this wouldn't happen for another 3-5 months, but here we are!

Besides that, I've been more sensitive lately. I'm not the emotional train wreck I used to be prior to hormone therapy (very thankful for that) but I'm just more easily moved or brought to tears. Today I cried when I was watching a video from a singing contest because this woman had the most amazing, powerful voice, she won and I cried but I don't understand why, lol.

The more I reflect on my transition, the more things begin to click together. I accept and appreciate my womanhood. I love my body and all of its natural functions. There is no right or wrong way to be female, I don't need to be girly or adhere to any predetermined social norms to earn my place in this world as a woman. Yet at the same time, I also accept that I am androgynous by nature, I love my male voice, I love my wild and intense spirit. I love mingling with my male friends and being one of the boys. I like my male name/pronouns too and I don't think I'm going to change that.

I don't know if this sounds silly but the more androgynous I become, the more I begin to truly feel at home in my body. I don't think I'd be happy if I had to live 100% as one or the other, it's just not "me". I think at the core of my being, I am a woman, but I am a woman in my own way.

I can be a boyish woman with a powerful, deep voice. I can be a woman and be androgynous or masculine. I can be a woman named Jake. I enjoy living as both male and female, there's nothing wrong with that. My gender identity is still overwhelmingly male/masculine, however I choose to embrace the fact that I am biologically female and love my body as it is. Each and every one of it's qualities, masculine and feminine. I'm going to stop typing and put my phone down, thanks for reading my messy stream of consciousness, u rock!

[roadtohappy]

Maybe the answer is right there in front of me, I just need a different approach?

I think that my laid back "it is what it is so just go with the flow"-attitude has been of major help to me while I've been processing these new developments regarding my gender identity and expression. I've been purposely avoiding the "what could've been / what if I hadn't.. "-rabbit hole and focused on the positives and solutions instead. I think going off T and leaning more into my female side probably looks like detransitioning, which is why I started thinking about it in the first place, but I'm fairly certain that that's just what it looks like on the surface and there's actually much more to it. I believe my autism plays a big role in how I think and how I experience things. There's undoubtedly a link between autism and gender identity, and I think that's what prompted me to reevaluate things. It is, from what I've read so far, not uncommon for autistic people to have gender dysphoria or androgynous tendencies. Does that invalidate or de-legitimize my experience as a trans person? Absolutely not. It just means that there might be neurodevelopmental factor playing some sort of role in how I identify and perceive myself as a person, and I should consider things very carefully, and with extra caution when proceeding with the next steps in my journey.

I got what I wanted from being on Testosterone, it did its job which means that I can now go off it and resume my transition toward something I find more fitting: androgyny.

I don't think wanting some of my natural attributes back means I'm undoing or reversing my transition at all. What I've learned from this is that my cold, scientific and mathematical approach to things simply isn't useful when I'm faced with a complex emotional "riddle" like this. I think this is in part rooted in my autistic way of thinking; the ever-present need to dissect, analyze and understand everything, to pinpoint a specific cause and effect, or predicting the most probable outcome through observing patterns of events and behaviors - sometimes I just need to let go of my rigid, systematic thinking for a second and allow the free flow of thoughts and emotions to sweep me away from shore, and guide me to whatever it is that I'm looking for. I also have to accept that there is no perfect answer when it comes to the human psyche; the mind is not a calculator, there are no absolute answers as to why I think or feel the way I do. If what I'm doing feels right, then that is the only real indicator that I am doing what's best for me.

And at the moment, I feel like I am doing the right thing, that's all that matters.

This has been another disorganised ramble by me, can't wait to read through my blog two years from now and think "wow, what was I even worried about lol".

Side note: I probably could've articulated some things better, but I'm just letting my mind run as I'm typing - I am only speaking for myself and my own experience, this is not at all supposed to reflect the experiences of other trans people on the autism spectrum.

[roadtohappy]

I've had cramps for about 2 weeks and I'm tired of waiting, can my bitch ass period stop being such a little chicken shit and just show up already??

Square up bitch im ready

[roadtohappy]

Redefining terms and shedding labels.

As much as I try to avoid labels, whether that be man, woman or whatever,  I also think it’s important that I redefine what “transition” actually means to me. Because how I define “transition” plays an important role in what “detransition” means to me as well. 

“Detransition is the cessation or reversal of a transgender identification or gender transition, whether by social, legal, or medical means.”

Here’s why I feel weird using the term “detransition”. I’m not looking to reverse anything, my gender identity turns out to be more androgynous than I previously thought and I’m simply adjusting the results of my transition to suit my needs.

Why did I transition in the first place?

My gender identity aligned with masculinity more than femininity, this body-brain mismatch made me dysphoric, and thus arised the need to physically align my body with my gender identity.

What did I expect to achieve with my transition, and how did it turn out?

Going on testosterone, I wanted to achieve a more masculine appearance and a male sounding voice. Doing so caused my gender dysphoria to lessen, my issues with anxiety and depression ceased and my overall happiness increased as I began to feel a sense of harmony within myself.

The process of undergoing breast-removal was a monumental step for me, since my chest was the only remaining part of my body that was causing dysphoria. Once I had healed from my top surgery, all that remained of my dysphoria was eliminated - and since I only ever planned on having hormone therapy and top surgery, my transition is officially complete.

I feel at home in my own body, at last.

What internal processes prompted me to quit testosterone?

The cessation of gender dysphoria is an important factor, of course, but throughout this beautiful journey I have also leaned heavily into my gay male-identity. This became a socially acceptable way for me to experiment with femininity without the social repercussions I would face before I went on testosterone. Before the hormones, I didn’t pass as male. People would tear into me constantly and criticize anything I did that could’ve been perceived as feminine, and accuse me of not being “trans enough”. But after going on hormones, I finally began to look and sound male, meaning I no longer needed to overcompensate and be hypermasculine in order to gain approval and validation from my peers, and especially; my family. 

The further I progressed with my transition, I stopped searching for the “perfect” labels to describe me as a feminine transgender man. I don’t need to use my sexual orientation as an excuse to express myself, I’m not feminine because I like men - I’m feminine because that’s just the way I am. After completing my transition and my dysphoria finally ceased for good, I feel so liberated and happy. I continued to play around with femininity until I realized that “hey, I know I’m a guy and all - but I think I may be okay with being a woman too, now.” After a lot of reflection, I came to the conclusion that I no longer need to be on hormones. I’m okay with my body now. Although I still identify as transgender, I think it’s likely that I’ve developed into a more androgynous person than I was before.

I hate to repeat myself, but I cannot stress this enough; I do not regret my transition nor do I want to undo it. Transitioning was absolutely the right decision, but it was only the first first step of a much greater journey. I’m ready to embrace the full extent of my femininity, mentally and physically - as the next step of my journey. 

I don’t care if that makes me a man, woman or a screeching velociraptor - my gender is irrelevant, I am me and that’s that.