A silly little fic to make up for the angst of memento mori
When Lester had decided to take an afternoon stroll around the Romanov estate, he did not expect to stumble upon a crime scene, or for the crime to still be in progress. He watched, bemused, as Audrey sneaked out of Lane’s bedroom, halfway through stuffing an object into a nondescript bag. Noticing him, the human-turned-immortal froze.
“This isn’t what it looks like.”
“Really? Because it looks like you’re stealing Lane’s lamp.”
“Lane said I could take it,” she said defensively, cradling it like it was a precious object, not an everyday item.
“What do you want a lamp for? Don’t you immortals have magical lights or something?”
“I’ve only been immortal for a few years. Besides, it’s not for me; it’s for Mikael.” The answer confused Lester even more. He could hardly think of a reason for the stern archangel to want a lamp of all things. His bewilderment must have been apparent, because Audrey suddenly added, “It looks just like the one he used to have in his office.”
It took a moment for Lester to recall the agency that the ‘Astreans’ had worked at. “Where Lane first saw the Book?”
“Yes.” She sounded wistful.
“Huh.” He leaned against the wall, crossing his arms. “What kind of work did you do there, anyway?”
“I’d evaluate whether the people we were speaking to were ill or actually experiencing the supernatural.”
“Right…”
The conversation tapered off awkwardly. Lester still wasn’t quite sure how to behave with Audrey, who acted like any other human but possessed terrifyingly otherworldly powers. With Lane, he had at least gotten to know her a little before realising she wasn’t quite as human as she appeared. Then, there was the whole thing with Shephamalum. He still remembered how Audrey’s eyes had filled with darkness, how it had swept over and consumed everything in sight, a whisper of death. But it would be unfair to treat her coldly; she hadn’t asked for this, after all. And Lane deserved to be able speak with the only person from her old life without having to find space away from the squad.
So as Audrey excused herself, Lester called out after her, “We’re having a campfire tonight. You should join us.”
She promised to think about it, and Lester put it to the back of his mind. He didn’t say anything to Lane, not wanting to get her hopes up. Unfortunately, that decision now made him the subject of multiple questioning stares – because Audrey had turned up, with several immortals in tow. It seems he had completely disregarded the Astreans’ codependency, and the efficiency of heaven’s gossip network.
“When did you have time to invite all of these people?” Anna muttered under her breath, glancing worriedly at their supplies, which seemed meagre in the face of such a large crowd.
“I only invited Audrey, I don’t know where the rest came from.”
“That would be Mimi’s fault.” Vicky approached them – thankfully, with more supplies in hand. “She heard about a party and insisted we all go.”
The bubbly demoness was chatting away at Felonia, who looked like she was regretting every decision that led her here. She and the rest of the Astreans had a single-minded focus on Audrey, undeterred by her efforts to convince them to relax. No one could begrudge them, understanding their fears. Especially the squad, who had experienced something similar with Lane.
Adi and Sammy were passing around cups of blue liquid to the immortals – their version of alcohol. It helped lighten the mood, and soon enough, they were all gathered in a loose interpretation of a circle, flames roaring in the centre.
“Hey, you look kinda familiar.” David squinted at Lester. “Do I know you from somewhere?”
Noah snickered. “I told you you had a forgettable face.”
David shook his head. “No, I mean from before. Maybe from one of our assignments…?”
“You lived in the UK for a while before you came to America, didn’t you?” Dmitry said. “Maybe you ran into each other at some point.”
“The world isn’t that small.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure. Audrey knew Yan’s dad, remember?”
They all grimaced at the memory. It had not been a pleasant conversation for anyone involved.
Lester protested, “Really, I don’t think I encountered anything strange before the apocalypse. The weirdest thing was a dude who taxidermied people’s pets, but he was locked up after they found his neighbour’s body in his basement.”
The statement was met with several looks, like some sort of surround system of judgement.
“That definitely counts as strange,” Anna said.
David perked up, snapping his fingers. “The poodle lady!”
The demon beckoned his colleagues closer, wanting their opinion.
“Hey, remember the nosy lady who was neighbours with Ethan and Oscar?”
“Yes, why?”
He pointed at Lester. “He was with her!”
Now it was Lester who was squinting at David, Felonia and Audrey. He recalled some detectives snooping around, but couldn’t quite remember their features.
Audrey seemed to have some flash of recognition. “I remember now - I saw you on television. You were leaving because of the earthquakes.”
Lester was uncomfortable talking about his past, particularly the relationship he had been in at that time. Therefore, he eagerly grasped at Mimi’s suggestion that they play a human party game.
“Never have I ever? Isn’t that for kids–” Noah faltered under the demon’s puppy eyes.
Not one to ignore a chance to annoy Noah, Lester kicked them off by announcing, “Never have I ever been kidnapped by a cult.”
Things went downhill from there, friends turning on each other by shouting out increasingly specific statements.
“Never have I ever died,” Mimi said, making almost all her friends scowl as they downed their alcohol.
“Wait, wait,” Anna said. “I get Vicky and Donnie since they died and got into heaven, but the rest of you?”
“It’s complicated. Let’s just say that Plague did end up doing some good.”
Audrey cleared her throat, uncertain. “How many times am I supposed to drink? I’ve lost count of all the times I’ve died.”
The Astreans collectively winced.
“You were only dead for a few minutes most of those times, I don’t think it counts,” Malek said. He had also downed his glass, along with Lane.
One of the twins, Christopher, was next. “Hmm…Never have I ever killed the father of someone present right now.”
Vicky mock-glared at him and drank again. Lucifer actually glared. Lane sighed and took two shots in succession.
Mimi giggled and high-fived Christopher. “Good thing Malbonte didn’t come, or we’d be out of Glyft.”
“You guys are crazy.”
Lester wasn’t sure who said it, but he whole-heartedly agreed.
Donnie nodded empathetically. “I’ve always said we needed a psychiatrist. Especially for Mammon…Audrey, are you still offering services? We could use your help.”
“Are you calling my dad crazy?!”
“No; I’m calling him insane.”
Mimi lunged drunkenly for the angel, who yelped and scrambled away. All the humans fell silent, absorbed in watching the two celestial beings run around like mischievous children. The immortals, however, completely disregarded the chaos, continuing as if nothing had happened.
“Uh, should someone step in?”
“Why? Everything’s fine.”
The skewer embedded in Donnie’s arm said otherwise.
Are we looking at the same thing?
But they were right; everything did end up fine, and the evening finished with minimal casualties.
(this, however, did not stop Dmitry from banning Lester from ever throwing a party again)
Ok everyone I need y'all to help me figure out what type of pyjamas would the hs lis wear. Characters affected are: Mimi, Vicky, Andy, Dino, Adi and Sammy. Spread the word and share your suggestions please,, thank youu :)
Tags: @dutifullynuttywitch @laurathecunt @skeletaldino plus anyone with good ideas
