– Good luck and fate
Divinatory Jukebox: Chance in Coin || Chants of Curse, by Pengosolvent.
tarot pick a pile reading → one, two, three
There are things… that seem to choose us. The ones that seem to be the answer to all our questions, the solution to all our needs, the medium for all our dreams… There are things that captivate us, hypnotize, by whispering to us the promises that we so sincerely need to hear in that moment of our lives. So we follow them. Climbing over every obstacle, ignoring every bleeding wound, never turning around to listen to the voices that are trying to stop us, afraid that it might be a test, a cruel game in which we’ll lose everything we achieved so far… Everything that is contained in that one final prize that is looking back at us from the horizon. So shiny, so perfect, so desirable. Like the moon itself that is gazing upon us, guiding us… And yet, we lose ourselves in the dark, one step away, a wrong turn taken in a rush… The same promise is still visible, still present, but with so many new insurmountable obstacles between us, ready to tear apart our tired body, heart and mind. Leaving us without nothing, if not emptied inside out.
Was it really a good decision, a worthy plan, but just poorly executed? Was it really our fault, of our incompetence or lack of faith and patience? Or was it someone else's responsibility, perhaps a malevolent strategy to make us fall and forget about salvation or healing? Was it maybe… Just a coincidence? Or destiny? And does it even matter now, when we are on our knees, consumed and heavily breathing, lost between the opportunities and chances that never chose us back to begin with? Should we stop, start from scratch… or should we live with it? Should we see something, understand, about this journey that betrayed us so fiercely?
Slow down. Breathe. Stop holding in your emotions for a moment and let them flow. Let them guide you to the pile that has something to tell you now.
— Pile One,
the house: the hanged man and the ten of cups
It’s unexpected how it has grown on you. This journey, this idea and hope that became only stronger, even disperate, as your every try was abruptly refused and stopped.
This place and situation is so suffocating, pressuring, too tight to let you breathe, feeling safe with what you've managed to harvest so far… And yet not even one of your steps leads to the opposite direction, to another option, away from this nightmare. Not even one of your mind’s frenetic thoughts is about leaving... Because there aren’t any better ways to live here, there aren’t any options left that you didn't try already, failing.
It’s not really a matter of should you stay or leave, for you now. It’s just the matter of how to keep on holding on with the little strength and patience that you still have within you. What else could you do to make things work here and now, on this journey that you already dedicated so much of yourself to. As you will try your best to hide and ignore the delusion that is starting to overwhelm you. For this idea, your fate, yourself and your decisions…
You are chaining yourself to it, forcing yourself to look only in that direction, focus only on that one thing, not daring to say out loud that it all revealed to be just a failure… And you are deliberately convincing your own heart - that is screaming for you to find an exit - that all you found out here, all that you learned… Will ever serve only this place and way, only these people…
But you know well that this is not the truth. You know well that this journey, even with its harsh reality or perhaps because of it, teached you how to use the little that you have, to survive and make little steps forward despite everything that you went through. Because, even if it might indeed be wrong, but you did stay. You managed to resist and hold on for so long, and not just because of pure coincidence, luck or such strong manipulation of those that are holding you by the neck. No. You did it all yourself. Your conviction and determination did it. Even if it was a mistake, even if it was for the wrong reasons, but it did work, you did push yourself through all of this just because of your resilience and strength and anger that nurtured all of it.
So you can do the same, but for the right things now. You can leave. You can stop. You can take with you only what you experienced and learned, leaving without ever achieving what you initially had in mind. And you can make it work even with these crumbles. You can create with them something else. And you can find another place or journey or people that could fill in those little empty spaces. You can. Just because you did all of this up until now. And that same strength or stubbornness, fear or hopelessness that made you hold up so tightly… They can be the ones to push you forward somewhere new, somewhere different. They can be used to help you do something good for yourself, after all this time, instead of torturing you from inside out.
Simply because they are yours. Not of that place, those people or that journey. They are not the ones that gave you all this strength and faith. You always had them. And they won't disappear the moment you’ll take a step away from them.
There is no mistake, nor guilt, nor shame, in accepting that this one is not working. There won't be any failure, any destruction in your life just because you realize and accept it. There will be only an epiphany. A much needed ending to this suffering. And a new beginning, so many other journeys, that you can now recognise and choose thanks to the simple switch of your perception. And the power that you will finally start to feel once you realise that you are doing something only because you want to.
p.s.
♡ Toss a coin to your reader
♡ Receive personal guidance from me
— Pile Two,
the stars: the emperor and the death
There is something about it… Something so simple and yet complicated. Something that you know already, deep down within you, and yet you don't dare to say it. Something that others are trying to tell you… And yet their chosen words are so out of place that they can’t reach you. There is something hidden and yet so clear and obvious to all of those involved... And it’s your power of choice that you have upon it.
It feels strange, it feels odd and even ridiculous to hear it. How in the world could you be the one deciding this when every your step and breath are controlled and forced into someone else’s will? I wouldn’t dare to be another one that tells you to just go away and leave it, condemning yourself to a situation much worse than the one you are enduring here, right? Because if it is so, you already have enough of it. You feel literally crushed under all these opinions on how to manage your life and the things you are living. Advices that you never wanted, that never really give you the answer that you want to hear now.
That you are doing pretty well, that you are making progress. That you are doing everything in your power and thus things will work out in the end, despite all the problems. That you waited and endured a lot, and you need to just have a little more patience. To see the day in which it will all be recognised and cherished. Each tear, each heavy breath, each ache in your tired body. Each anxious thought and your heart’s screams that you ignored somehow... You just want to hear that it will be worth it. Because the idea that all this suffering was for nothing is much more painful, painful to even think it.
And yet there is a kind of truth to it. It is for nothing, if you destroy yourself for it.
This journey, this idea or plan, was something that was supposed to help you live a whole new life. New experiences, new perspectives, new rhythms, new achievements. New things to be excited and proud about. But also new things to enjoy and live. Something that you are not able to do now, because you simply are too tired to even think about it.
You are consuming yourself. Using every inch of you just to go through it, in hopes to see, perhaps one day, finally the end of it. Because it is already too late, you are too much into it, you have already done so many things for it that you can't possibly drop and leave it…
Or perhaps you can. Realising that nothing of this makes sense if there won’t be a happy and healthy you to witness it. Not a reward, a recognition, an achievement. Not any ‘’victory’’ against those that enjoy torturing you while you are barely breathing. It makes no sense already. Not because others don’t see it or don't believe in you and your achievements. But because of you who don't believes it either, but between nothing and something, chooses the one that appears to be more worthy of keeping.
But is nothing really so disgraceful? Or does that mean that you have simply the hands free to hold between them anything else, with all the time and chances to turn them one way and the other, look at them closely, possibly finding something you would have never seen in them just through a fast and tired glimpse from the place you chained yourself with?
p.s.
♡ Toss a coin to your reader
♡ Receive personal guidance from me
— Pile Three,
the bouquet: the star and the eight of coins.
Your sleepless nights and tired mornings are filled with so many thoughts, so many doubts now… About if you did the right thing, if you really did everything you needed to make this work, if you are not making a mistake by having so much faith in it…
And as each day passes, and the answer to those questions does not arrive, each of those thoughts become much heavier and draining, not living space for any other emotion than just fear and regret in your heart.
But that moment, that first step that you chose to do, was such a gift for you and your journey, for your growth. A gift that wasn't yet delivered to you.
It is indeed frustrating to keep on going without having any confirmation, any sign or certainty that this is really it, that it won't be a dead end or a trap like it already happened so many times. But… What you are doing is worth it. It is worth it regardless of the success or failure, regardless of the outcome that you will hold in your hands at the end of this path. And this is what this world, with such a particular and cryptic, sometimes even confusing way, is trying to make you understand.
It is important the reason and the goal for which you are doing all of this. It is the motivation, your inspiration and strength to move on. But at the same time it is not the only thing. Or, to be exact, the goal itself is not the only thing that made you chose this specific way and path. You chose it also because of the how. How learning and experimenting in this environment will be. How this new journey will feel with these specific people, in this specific place. How their ways will influence and help you to find your own right way… So why, now, you are focusing and waiting only for that outcome? Why are you rushing so far into the future with your anxious mind, not spending even a second in this present moment, truly feeling and experiencing the journey that you on your own chose for so many reasons that spoke to your heart?
There is nothing that you are missing or not understanding, there is nothing that you are doing wrong and that is causing this outcome to not be reached yet, to not be found… A part of, perhaps and simply, not living truly in this moment.
Because it is all already here. That goal, those experiences, those feelings. They are not yet complete, it’s true, they are hidden in the little interactions and experiences of this new routine that you are still adjusting to. But they are already here, scattered all around you, and you are walking on them without really realising it, not feeling them, their weight and presence. With a head too far away to feel what your body is experiencing.
But that joy, enthusiasm, progress, victories and success are all already here and you are living them. Even if it will take some time to fuse them all and to create that dream that you once saw and chose.
Don't worry and don't rush. Or, at least, don't put on your own self the pressure and the responsibility of not seeing any concrete results yet. Don't blame so fastly your own self and your decisions, because you don't have any of them. You are doing well. You made the right choice. It just needs some more time and experience to see it all grow and bloom into something more. So for now, have patience, have more faith in your own self, in your decisions and your capabilities to make things work once you focus on them. And take your time truly doing it, immersing yourself in this new life that is manifesting in front of your eyes. Pay attention to every moment, every detail, every step that you take, realising how much actually is it, how much you are already accomplishing. And don't hide too much in your future or in your head. There is a whole life that you are living right here and now, and it needs you, your attention, care and appreciation. Because you did a lot to be here now, and it is not fair to your own self to don't enjoy it or trust it, choosing to listen only to those fears that overwhelm your mind.
p.s.
♡ Toss a coin to your reader
♡ Receive personal guidance from me
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