I step out into the snow. It’s getting dark – we’re at the height of winter, the days are getting longer again, but not long enough just yet.…
I step out into the snow. It’s getting dark – we’re at the height of winter, the days are getting longer again, but not long enough just yet. I’m going to run home from work. For a moment, I feel nervous as I contemplate the long run in the cold and dark ahead of me, but the feeling fades when I start moving. I don’t really run anymore, not like I used to, anyway. But I was a runner for long enough – I’m not a rookie anymore. My feet know how to pound out a steady rhythm, no need to think about it.
For a while, I’m alone with my breath and my steps and the snow crunching under my feet, and my thoughts. Then even my mind quiets and there is silence. That’s what I missed the most when I stopped running last year – the way running can be a volume dial for my thoughts. I can run a gentle pace and let my thoughts get loud, giving myself space to work through anything I might need. Or I can run hard or long and just turn the volume off for a little while. I was mostly relieved, then, to leave the pressure behind, but I did miss this. I reach the forest and look out over the city lights, below me in the snow.
Home is seven miles away. My past self ran a little less than that most week days, and much longer in between. She would have scoffed at my considering this a long way. But then, another past self, from much longer ago, thought seven miles sounded impossibly long. Somewhere in between, there was a self that considered the seven miles a long run, something she had to be well in training for.
I carry all of them with me now. The last time I ran was two weeks ago, and it wasn’t a very long one. I cycle to work most days, I ski on the weekends, and so on, I’m probably the most all-round fit I’ve ever been. But still, that is different from the routine and daily grind of running big miles. And the first run back after even a week off used to be so hard, and every time I took time off because of injury, or burn out, or life events, getting back into it was a long, hard process. I thought it would always be that way, for me.I was wrong. It’s different now. Over the years, these things add up – the running, the strength workouts, the cross training. I may not be able to run a marathon on any random Sunday, but I can go out and run a few miles anytime, without needing to be ‘in training’.
So where ever you are at right now, keep going. If you’re taking time off, don’t feel guilty. Don’t worry. What you had before isn’t lost. The day will come when you start again, and it’ll come back. Just keep going.
