I came out to my parents and told them I wanted top surgery and they reacted badly. My dad wants me to get my "hormonal imbalance" fixed so I can "feel like a woman again" and my mom started crying when I told her I was a lesbian. They both said they love me but they don't try to use my pronouns or name. We agreed to go to family counseling in the future, but they just want me to decide that being nonbinary is a phase :((
Hello my love,I know it’s been a while since you sent his but not having internet limits my ability to write long and thought out replies. I haven’t forgotten, on the contrary I don’t think a day has gone by when I haven’t thought about this…about you.I want to first thank you for your courage for sharing this information. I think it’s important to remember that although our generation is pretty accepting, our parents’ generation is widely pretty close minded. For a lot of them “accepting” only goes as far as understanding homo gay and hetero straight. Basically, you’re either gay or straight. Black and white thinking. Don’t even bring up gender identity! When I was fifteen I told my mother I was gay. She said, “I know, I’ve been waiting for you to figure it out.” When I was 18 I had a firm understanding that I wasn’t a woman but I lived in a very small town in Texas and had no understanding outside of gay or straight. I didn’t even know what transgender really meant other than Max on the L word. So I just thought my understanding (or rather misunderstanding) of my gender was normal gay stuff.I was 28 when I told my mother I am transgender. She said, “No you’re not.”In the same conversation I explained my pronouns and she told me “that is like asking me to speak Spanish, and I don’t speak Spanish” (I just use singular they/them) I didn’t talk to her for months after that. It’s been over a year and I would really like to tell you that she’s fully supportive and genders me correctly and is a total ally. But I can’t tell you that. The truth is, my mother is a shitty close minded biggot. (On many more topics than this.) What I can say is, I hope your parents aren’t. I know this was a really shitty reaction. I know it caused damage in your relationship. I know you will never forget this pain. You are under no obligation to. Things may get better. I HOPE things get better. Because no one deserves to hear things like “it’s a phase” or “fix your hormonal imbalance”. No one deserves to be misgendered by anyone, especially their parents. But here’s something I had to learn the hard way, sometimes, it’s better for us to put in boundaries with our parents than allow them to emotionally abuse us just because “they’re my parents”. No. That’s NOT okay. If you feel unsafe or unsupported by them, it is okay to put your mental health and emotional safety first. This is still new to them and it is possible they may come around. It will be painful. They will fuck up, a lot. And it will hurt, a lot. But listen, you have SO many people who love and support you unconditionally. We are here for you. We will support you through this. I hope that someday you and your parents will be okay. I hope they come around and accept you for who you are because that’s what parents are supposed to do. In the meantime, don’t let their misinformation and closed mindedness deter you from being anyone other than YOU. You have worked so hard to figure out who you are and I’m so very proud of you. No one, not even your parents, can take that away from you. Okay? You are a fucking supernova and I am so lucky to call you a friend. Keep on shining bright.
