#sen posts

[expectations]

My best friend kelly @saphirgneiss beating the shit out of a turkey breast

[expectations]

fujoshis are so stupid like they were clearly making fun of how gross and fetishistic u are ya dumbass

[gaycoinflipfever]

it fuels my ego when my boyfriend asks for my help cause my autism has me full of knowledge. yes. I will help you no matter what. It makes me feel like a god.

[gaycoinflipfever]

Just remembering that time that someone saw my post about me saying stuff like "I don't care" to my bf about their interests and stuff.

Really just shows that some random post you see online is not indicative of a relationship. Bf still with me, bf still loves me. Hell, I posted that cause my bf finds it funny too.

If it really upsets her, she would tell me and ask for time indicators or reassurance. They actually fucking adore when I'm antisocial and can't give a shit about them. Cause they know my love never shows normally and even if I say I don't care, I encourage them to talk anyway cause it's important to them.

It's so difficult for me to have to constantly perform a certain way for my love to appear "normal." My boyfriend doesn't want that, he wants me to be blunt and honest. He doesn't want me to fake just to spare his feelings.

With how often I feel like I can't even feel love despite wanting them in my life and as mine. It's nice to have someone that will see me at my most antisocial and apathetic and see someone worth loving. See someone that is exactly who they love.

I sometimes people please all the same by trying to control it, but they actively want me to not do that. So they know how I feel.

My bf knows that I can't feign interest for what they talk about, that I don't care. But I will listen to them anyway. Because I want to hear them speak and it means something to them. And others don't really do that for them. So they know that me bluntly saying I don't give a shit about what they're saying isn't saying something bad against them, it's just stating a fact that I'm bored as fuck. Chronic boredom is one of my worst aspd traits.

Relationships with personality disorders and trauma are complicated. One post is not indicative of how me or my boyfriend are. And I'm blunt as fuck, but that makes him happy and laugh. We work together, not against one another. They accept me as I am and only want the best for me. They know my love is not normal and never will be. From autism to personality disorders to system to trauma. My love will never be normal. But they wouldn't have it any other way. Cause in my lowest moments, I apologize for being broken. And they always tell me that they love me the way I am.

Main thing is just that. You can't tell what someone is like from an online account or social media posts. You can't tell what a relationship is like. And as I spent more time offline, I see more and more just how common it is to assume based on your first reaction. It's not wrong to feel that way. But sometimes stopping to think for a moment helps too.

[gaycoinflipfever]

I hate hyperfixation holes. I am so tired of becoming obsessed with some shit and spending an hour or more obsessively focusing on it and neglecting myself.

My boyfriend is asleep. I have no one to stop me. I'm taking another med to sleep. Fuck this shit. I have shit to do tomorrow.

x-Sen

[gaycoinflipfever]

Doesnt help that just fucking living feels like we are excluded. Can't exist. We're doing wrong by living or being present. Following someone will mean they'll block us and we will have no one. Because everyone that sees us thinks we are evil.

Really wishing we didn't have over 10 years of experiences of being treated poorly that made us terrified everyone who even so much as looks at us online or offline actually hates us.

That everyone secretly wants us gone.

I hate our mind. I hate these fucking disorders. Stop having disordered thinking.

Sen

[gaycoinflipfever]

It feels like everything is a fucking threat, an insult, calling us a monster. Everything is saying we are the one wrong. Everything is saying we deserve to be alone. I fucking hate these shitty emotions. I hate the way it claws at our chest like a beast. I hate the way the thoughts feel like thorns digging into our skin. It feels as if we are going insane. It feels like every tiny action is an insult to us. It is saying that we are a cold and unfeeling monster. It is saying that we are a terrible person.

Fucking hate that online spaces and years of being treated like this now make the tiniest interactions have us react like this. Everything is a fucking threat. I hate it.

Sen

[gaycoinflipfever]

The constant reminder that our pain and suffering will always be too much. Ranting and venting makes us feel dirty and scared of others' comfort. We have to worry about the other people crying and reacting to our trauma. Not the stuff we loved through. We keep it vague to avoid trouble. We dance around it for the sake of others. We censor our thoughts and lie through our teeth so not to discuss things that will bring about the "oh I'm sorry" in a half hearted way or have them so sad for us.

Yes it's upsetting. Yes it's painful. Yes it's traumatizing. But we are sick of feeling dirty about our experiences. Like we are simply too much. Like speaking about them is wrong. That their emotions come first over ours when they were the ones encouraging us to speak about it so it was not as if we were just dumping it on them. I hate that just seeing we had an eating disorder or were suicidal for years and that's the lighter stuff we deal with is already too much. Our existence is too much. And it's always about how everyone else feels hearing about it. You asked for us to open up and when we do, you make us feel dirty. We must comfort you and worry about you. You make us feel ashamed. And I hate that this is a regular thing. It only adds our programming and the parts that believe no one will truly love us like him, no one can handle us. We will always be too much.

-Sen