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'You got no soul, Fred,' said Nobby. 'I wouldn't've minded being a knight in shining armour. That's what a king does if you're useful. He makes you a knight.' 'A night watchman in crappy armour is about your métier,' said Colon, who looked around proudly to see if anyone had noticed the slanty thing over the e.
Terry Pratchett, Men at Arms
“War, Nobby. Huh! What is it good for?" he said.
"Dunno, Sarge. Freeing slaves, maybe?"
"Absol—well, okay."
"Defending yourself against a totalitarian aggressor?"
"All right, I'll grant you that, but—"
"Saving civilization from a horde of—"
"It doesn't do any good in the long run is what I'm saying, Nobby, if you'd listen for five seconds together," said Fred Colon sharply.
"Yeah, but in the long run, what does, Sarge?”
― Terry Pratchett, Thud!
Sargeant Fred Colon in the fifth elephant
Colon is a corrupt, incompetent copper
Honestly if the narrative treated him seriously instead of as comic relief, i would prbly hate him
Just in the fifth elephant:
1 He is in charge of Traffic department, a d is too enthusiastic about clamping cars
2 he bribed a eestaurant owner into giving him free meals by clamping his cart
3 Too enthensuiatic about clamping cars-as in, Nobby deliberay slowed carts as an excuse for Colon to clamp them to collect money
4 Didnt feed rhe imp that runs the traffic camera
5 Dismisses a very important, very big conflict in the dwarf community of Ankh-Morpork, bc they are dwarves, not humans
Also, this scene
===
“Oh. Someone speeding,” said Colon. “So?” He looked again. “That’s one of those sedan chairs the deep-down dwarfs use, isn’t it? Them trolls must’ve been moving!”
“It was just after the Scone was stolen,” said Visit. “Ronald writes the time in the corner, see? A bit odd, I thought. Like a kind of getaway vehicle, sir?”
“What’d a dwarf want to steal a worthless lump of rock for?” said Colon. “Especially them dark dwarfs. They give me the creeps in those stupid clothes they wear.”
====
Note here: the “dark dwarves” are conservative dwarves from out of the city. They command much respect in the dwarf community, but in Ankh-Morpork, a lot of the dwarfs are more liberal and some of them resent the dark dwarves by imposing orders on them.
For all you Christians in the audience, the Stone Scone is almost as important to dwarves as the Bible is to you.
The Stone Scone is an important dwarf cultural artifact, and we now have a good idea of who stole it.
The conservative dark dwarves (probably) stole it, and the police have a picture.
And Colon just dismissed it.
That was a slap in the face to the 3 dwarves
===
Angry silence rang like a dropped girder in a temple. There were three dwarfs in the room.
“You two! You ought to be out on patrol!” barked Sergeant Stronginthearm. “I’ve got business down at Chitterling Street!”
All three dwarfs marched out, somehow contriving even to walk angrily.
“Well, what was that about?” said Fred Colon. “Bit touchy, aren’t they? Mister Vimes says that sort of thing all the time and no one minds.”
“Yes, but that’s because he’s Sam Vimes,” said Nobby.
====
So hearing Colon causually dismiss the “worthless lump of rock” is slap to the face.
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN VIMES AND COLON
Quite frankly, Vimes gives a damn.
When he hears about a dwarf riot, he picks up the nearest dwarf, demands an answer, listens carefully, then starts looks for whose head he needs to bash until peace is restored.
Excerpts involving Vimes:
There were more dwarfs on the streets as they got nearer, and Vimes recognized the signs. The dwarfs all wore preoccupied looks and were walking in the same direction.
“It’s over,” he said, as they rounded a corner. “You can tell by the sudden increase in suspiciously innocent bystanders.”
Whatever else the emergency had been, it had been a big one. The street was strewn with debris, and a fair amount of dwarfs. Vimes slowed down.
“Third [riot] this week,” he said. “What’s gotten into them?”
“Hard to say, sir,” said Carrot. Vimes shot him a glance. Carrot had been raised by dwarfs. He also, if he could possibly avoid it, never told a lie.
“That isn’t the same as I don’t know, is it,” he said. The captain looked awkward.
===
“Is this one of those private dwarf things, Captain [Carrot]?”
“Yes, sir—”
“Well, this is Ankh-Morpork, Captain, not some mine in the mountains, and it’s my job to keep the peace, and this, Captain, doesn’t look like it. What’re people going to say about rioting in the streets?”
“They’ll say it’s another day in the life of the big city, sir,” said Carrot woodenly.
“Yes, I suppose they would, at that. However—” Vimes picked up a groaning dwarf. “Who did this?” he demanded. “I’m not in the mood for being messed around. Come on, I want a name!”
===
Cherry on top: Colon is racist afainst trolls too
“I’m not a soft touch, me. I’m not going to take insubordination like that! I’ve always said Vimes was a bit too soft on those dwarfs! They gets the same pay as us and they’re only half the size!”
“Yes, yes,” said Nobby, waving his hands placatingly in a desperate attempt to calm things down, “But, Fred, trolls are twice as big as us and they get paid the same, so it—”
“But [trolls have] only got a quarter of the brains, so it’s just the same like I said—”
The noise they heard was long and drawn out and menacing. It was the sound of Lance-Constable Bluejohn’s chair being pushed back.
The floor creaked as he shambled past Colon, removed his helmet from its peg with one enormous hand, and headed for the door.
So, if we’re being quite clunky about it when we’re saying that Night Watch is the Disworld take on Les Misérables, with corresponding character roles - supported in the assertion; aside from the forefront characters of Vimes and Carcer being oft-cited role-swap of Javert and Valjean; by Reg Shoe and Ned Coates being equivalent to at least one whole Enjolras And Friends, and by Nobby taking on the role of Gavroche...do we say Young Vimes or Fred Colon is Marius?
Lord Vetinari paused. He found it difficult to talk to Frederick Colon. He dealt on a daily basis with people who treated conversation as a complex game, and with Colon he had to keep on adjusting his mind in case he overshot.
Terry Pratchett, The Fifth Elephant
‘He makes them rubber wallies, sah.’ ‘Ah. The preventatives.’ ‘Lot of people don’t agree with that sort of thing, sah.’ ‘So I understand.’ Colon drew himself up to attention again. ‘Not natural, in my view, sah. Not in favour of unnatural things.’ Vetinari looked perplexed. ‘You mean, you eat your meat raw and sleep in a tree?’
Terry Pratchett, The Fifth Elephant
‘To be sure. I have here another complaint of over-enthusiastic clamping. I’m sure you know to what I refer.’ ‘It was causing serious traffic congestion, sah!’ ‘Quite so. It is well known for it. But it is, in fact, the opera house.’
Terry Pratchett, The Fifth Elephant
‘Lots of soldiers have served in lots of regiments,’ said Nobby. ‘Right, what you say is true. Only not usually during the same battle,’ said Sergeant Colon.
Terry Pratchett, Jingo
