1.
You called yourself a roadway of potholes, not safe to cross.
I wanted to prove you wrong so I wore roller skates to your house.
I am not sure if I convinced you enough, but I have no regrets about the fall.
2.
The first time you asked me on a date, I hung up immediately because ecstasy flooded my chest and I smiled as I slapped my head, thinking, “how the hell is she always two steps ahead of me?”
3.
That time when we’d got naked and danced around my bedroom; I was dying inside because I never had let my guard lose enough to dance, much less abandon my clothes.
I never told you this but the way you walk into tenderness when it calls for you and wear vulnerability like a backpack, made me wish I’d grown up in your world.
Tenderness was a slugfest for me and vulnerability is what I keep inside the first aid kit I never use. It changed only with you in my bedroom and heart.
4.
The last eight I love you too’s I said, sounded like checkmate moves- I’m sorry for that.
5.
I cried when I heard that you’ve still kept the recording of me calling you beautiful because I hate myself for never having saved the best parts of you on my devices. All I have of you are the apologies to the list of complaints I made.
6.
There are wounds from our worst days which surface in my dreams in the middle of the night or when I mistake you for every girl I see dancing.
7.
I had studied you into my soul but I never let you do the same. When you showed up with your polaroid camera I covered my face.
Now I want you to miss me, but how can you when I never left anything of mine behind with you?
8.
You bought me an entire fucking bakery and I swear to god that day I thought you were insane. And the way ilovedyou in that moment was so rare; i doubt I’ll ever love anything that way again.
9.
You once whispered to me, “I will latch on like a deadbolt to a door and tell you it is only because I want to protect you. Really, I’m afraid that without you I mean nothing.”
I wish now that I’d had the sense to kiss you on the forehead and say, “Of course, what is a door without a bolt? What am I without you either?”
10.
I was furious when you wanted to practice watching me leave. I yelled at you saying you’re insecure and to stop doubting me.
Now that I have left you,
that bouquet of plane tickets you gave me was the best kind of bouquet I ever received.
11.
I wanted to help you stand up and walk and be the support you needed. But I knew life was going to be tough so I became tough too.
Now I feel, if life is inevitably tough, why the hell should we tough up too?
12.
The day I set fire to my room and threw out the faulty appliances, I did that in rage. And maybe also, in the comfort of being sure, that like every fire I ever lit before that, you’d come running to put it out with your tears. I always thought you were too dependent on me but the ashes left tell me it was the other way round. I was the mess.
13.
We both knew it was coming and I prepared myself for it- but none of that was useful because there is nothing you can do when you’re the one responsible for it.
14.
After you fell asleep every night, I pretended and prepared and laid layers of safety nets. I wish I had spent those hours watching you sleep- that would’ve been a safety net enough.
Fifteen.
I haven’t heard from you and I hope you’re okay and I hope you’re drowning in things to do each which fulfills you completes you and has you rising in your heart and mind
