— meet Lucian & Kyros, sylus’s little energy storm! ٩(^ᗜ^ )و ´-
ʕ ꈍᴥꈍʔ: hi hi hi! im so excited to get this out hehehe, a formal-ish introduction to the twin boys i've been writing about in my boydad!sylus au. they were initially passing thoughts, but with all of your continuous enthusiasm towards the littles, they'd grown into these darling characters. i hope you enjoy & love them as much as i do! ❀-urs
kyros & lucian highlight | sylus x reader | parenting hcs/scenarios, little twin hcs, mama!reader, soft boydad!sylus 💕 ft. big twins (luke & kieran)!
general info:
☆ Lucian was born first, Kyros 10.9 minutes later
ദ്ദി(｡•̀ ,<)~✩‧₊
sylus was there for all the check-ups & ultrasounds but only found out you were having twins during the last check-up.
Lucian has always been more energetic and drawn to the spotlight, even in the womb— Kyros, sleepier and cozier, has tucked himself behind his brother in all their photos. It wasn't until the final weeks that Lucian decided to reveal his first little surprise to his parents— when he shifted and made way for them to meet the second heartbeat.
Sylus had to take a seat.
"Beloved, breathe," you chuckled, rubbing his thumb with your own as he blinks away the spots in his vision.
sylus barely slept the first three days they were born, watching all three of you like a guard dog
not so much worried that something terrible will befall something so wonderful
but just… taking it all in— something he'd never thought he'd have in any lifetime, and yet here you are. giving, giving, giving— his generous heart.
he walked to your side of the bed, pressed kisses to your forehead as you slept. you’d stir awake to him brushing your hair out of your eyes, feeling your cheekbones with the pad of his thumb. eyes soft and teary like melting lava.
you yawn, catching his wrist with your fingers. “you okay? is something wrong?”
he smiles, shakes his head. “no. everything’s perfect.”
he hovers over the boys constantly. quick to pick one up when he stirs.
"hello, little one, shh..." he murmurs. his voice breaks at the volume, unused to being so careful before. but he is trying. he will try everyday. "papa is here. papa's got you."
cant help but poke on their cheeks as they sleep, or ruffle their hair with his finger (they're so small, he can't believe it)
the first twin to grab his finger and hold on is kyros, and sylus needed several minutes to compose himself
when one or both cries, sylus is always the first to respond. he checks diapers, gas and if it’s hunger, he wakes you gently (he's master of the night shift atp)
tummy time was difficult for him in the start, fearing the baby wouldn’t like it, that he’d run too warm or he accidentally shifts them the wrong way. but once he starts, it becomes his favorite pastime.
he hums to them, sings to them, reads to them. theres always at least one strapped to his chest as he goes about his day in the base.
when they get a little older and they can roll over on their bellies, sylus spends hours on his belly too, studying their faces and expressions. his sole purpose is to make them react. peek-a-boo is a favorite.
when lucian starts to babble (kyros will follow soon after) sylus is over the moon. he loves talking back to them.
“ahh-ah. ooo-ea-ea.” kyros coos, pulling his legs up and down as if bouncing.
“i understand, but mephisto is made of metal.” sylus says, chin resting on the nest his forearms had formed on the edge of the bassinets.
“ah a wi wi waaaghu” lucian counters.
“i didn’t see it that way. maybe i will try to change his synthetic fibers.” sylus nods.
“ji ji aah! ah!” kyros.
“and pre-record wheels on the bus, yes.”
sylus 🤝🏻 nursery rhymes (he sings them in the shower??)
you and sylus both love watching them discover each other— like, they’d just forget the other exists for a while until they glance beside them and see their faces staring back. the giggles, the smiles, the eventual spit up— magical
the big twins (kieran and luke) sob when they realize their names are inspired by their own
"Luke, hold Kyros's neck steady," you advise as you hand him the baby. Luke sits excitedly on the couch, arms out, nodding enthusiastically. it was an amusing little position he was in— he'd cocooned himself between all the throwpillows in the living room and looked like a bird in his nest.
"Yes, got it." he says. he's done his research. he and Kieran practiced on cantaloupes while you were away.
"Cradle the baby to support his hips and back." Kieran quotes from the LinkiHow, sitting on the other side of the couch, also cocooned in all the pillows. Sylus gave them tired but fond looks.
"This is Lucian." Sylus says, placing his son carefully in Kieran's awaiting arms.
It takes a minute, but you can always count on them to make a connection. Luke says it jokingly, "Hey, boss man, they both have our initials."
You smile unironically. "Do you like it?"
Kieran freezes, getting the implication almost immediately. "What?"
It snaps into Luke a second later. "What?!"
It's very difficult to cry with newborns in their arms. Good thing the pillows minimized the trembling.
never lets you and sylus hear the end of it
"When Lucian climbs on my shoulders, we're a giant robot called Lu-lu."
Kieran snorts. "Lemon?"
"Can you shut up for once in your life?"
"Boss man, how's mini me?"
"Boss hunter, can we borrow the little twins? Namesakes have to bond."
and the famous "Hey, dad," one too many times to Sylus. (sylus never corrects them)
steals them away when they’re able to sit up on their own, stays within the base, but at the sight of the masks, the little twins are sent into fits of happy wiggles
kieran and luke are first to experience the two playing more intricate pretend scenarios (they're big influences)
the little twins’ first prank is to doodle on sylus’s face (sylus was awake, giggling even, but the little twins were 100% sure they got away with it. big twins supervised.)
Lucian the blinding flash of lightning
pronounced: loo・see・yan
also called “Cian” (see-yan)
also known as: angel (mama & papa), little boss (big twins), JAWS (kieran when lucian bit him the first time), little dragon (papa)
has bright, carmine eyes, forever shining with mischief
socialized very early when he refused to be apart from mama or papa
first word is “mama”. sylus was very excited for you (“papa” followed soon after)
"Say papa." Sylus coaxes, bouncing Lucian on his knee. His boy's bright eyes focused on his mouth, as he made popping noises to emphasize the p's. "P-p-aaa. Papa."
Lucian followed the movements with a gummy little smile. But no sound emerged from his mouth. Sylus did everything in his power to make him vocalize, but Lucian's will was stronger than his father's charm.
And then you came. Kyros had just gone down for his second nap, and you plop down beside Sylus and Lucian.
"It's mama." Sylus points out.
And with his full chest, proud and loud, Lucian booms. "Mama!"
You scream. Sylus is speechless for a moment but cheers nonetheless. Showers Lucian with kisses and praise.
Maybe Kyros will get his p's right.
always strapped on someone’s chest or back in his early days, wriggling in the carrier and testing the bounce
kieran and luke’s test gerbil— uh, sorry, play buddy
Lucian, having been exposed more to people and positive reinforcement, was quick to gain confidence to try things without fear or even consciousness of failure
so he flips over first, sits up first, crawls first, has his first steps first and is running by the time kyros can put one foot before the other without support
but he has more little scrapes and bruises from being so active
loves mama! loves loves loves mama. mama gives him kissies and sweeties. and mama says “yay! Lucian!” in the most beautiful voice
loves papa too. is a little intimidated by him— only because papa is the first to see his mistakes when he tumbles and falls. papa makes that “tsss” noise when he picks him up.
but then papa gives warm hugs. and his hair is soft. and papa is tall, and lucian likes sitting on his shoulders.
lucian loves the sky. you'd "sun" them often when they were little, just sit outside in the shade for the warmth and the nutrients. it was lucian's favorite thing, having developed a Pavlovian response to the words "sun time!" before he even knew what they meant— he'd be wriggling already.
lucian thinks kyros is a little mouse. he adores kyros, always cheers him on like everyone does for him— “ya! go keewo!”
but kyros looks so small (theyre the same size)
and lucian is overcome with the responsibility of protecting his brother
lucian loves hugging kyros (coined the term "squeezy-squeezes"), learning from everyone around him how to treat his brother
sometimes can get a little too rough
made kyros cry once— he cried harder.
The twins have been in their little playpen for a while, throwing stuffed-balls that jingle at each other as a game of catch. Kyros catches with your help, his back against your belly. Your arms like wings maneuver his to catch the ball in a gentle clap.
"Cat!" Lucian says. He's already mastered the act of throwing down to a tee. But somehow a heavier rubber ball had rolled into their soft ball pile, and he'd chucked it at Kyros's nose.
"Oh!" you startle first, bending down to see Kyros's face already puckered up in a silent sob. "Oh, darling."
Sylus is already at the door at the sound, taking in the scene before him. Your worried fussing, Kyros's reddening nose and...
A wailing, louder than the offended's fills the room. Terror-stricken and horrified, Lucian empties his little lungs at the image of his brother sobbing because of him.
"Lucian." Sylus sighs, picking him up and rocking him side to side.
Mama and papa danced side to side, soothing, as they sang a painful little harmony for them for a while.
absorbs how you and sylus interact.
⟢ places both palms on papa’s face to look in his eyes — "papa, shmeeties." (sweeties)
⟢ presses his nose to papa’s cheek when he's in his arms and papa is talking to someone else
⟢brushes your hair back from your eyes when you're telling him, "lucian, no more sweeties, okay?"
⟢ kisses your forehead the most
⟢ pokes papa’s lips when he’s idling or reading
likes sweeties (candies, cakes, ice creams, u name it)
loves to climb! loves going up, up high!
needs that vestibular input when he teeters on the edge of something (effectively giving sylus daily heart attacks)
does not like hats :(
drags kyros by the hand everywhere (kyros does this too! learns it from lucian)— one time when kyros couldnt quite walk yet, you find lucian dragging him face-planted across the floor. kyros kinda just went with it
started the trend of running up to you or sylus when you get home from missions and throwing himself in your arms
sensitive. doesnt like being scolded but understands to an extent why. sylus is good at explaining discipline to his toddlers.
“papa doesn’t want you to get hurt. so I'm saying it in a strong voice so you listen and remember,” sylus explains firmly.
“love lucian? papa?” he asks, snot and tears running down his blotchy red cheeks.
sylus softens, huffing the through his nose and wiping his son's tears away with his thumbs. “of course i love you, angel. just, please stop sliding down the bannister.”
oh, sylus is so very tired.
sleeps with his limbs strewn about
sylus is always hit in the eye when they nap together
Kyros the gentle rumble of thunder
pronounced: kee・ ros
also called “kyro” ("kee-ro" as Lucian so lovingly puts it, unable to get that s sound just yet)
also known as: angel (mama & papa), little boss (big twins), KYYYYROSSS (luke, when they lift him over their head like a presentation to the gods), and turtle (papa)
his eyes are a darker shade of red, like a stormy sea of blood. and so his little baby stares are extra O.O when he’s watching everyone around him
kyros was sickly during his first few months, which led to him being a little less socialized compared to his brother
sylus was very doting on kyros, worried immensely, didnt know a wink of sleep for the first three months of thunderous little coughs rattling such a small, fragile body
he held him more, gave him the medicine, took shifts with you when you forced him to get rest
but kyros pulled through. he’s healthy by the time the third month rolls in, and so he starts rolling, too
kyros watches lucian do his firsts and copies. less trial, less error— the little owl he is
his babbles were quieter, and so you whisper to him hushed words of affirmation
"ehh? egh ah!" kyros coos, eyes locked onto yours as if actually making conversation at 4 months.
"yes, angel, you’re very handsome." you smile back, exaggerated nods, and a lilting voice.
"ah-ooo, oo-eeh."
"much muuuuch more than papa." you affirm.
and suddenly sylus is right behind you. "hm? sorry?"
he does get his p's right!! but first word is “pito” (mephisto -> phisto -> pisto -> ⊹ ࣪ ˖ pito ⊹ ࣪ ˖), his baby monitor
loves papa. oh, sylus really did a number on him by sticking with him during those sick months. now he’s formed an attachment.
most comfortable with papa. likes being held by him, snuggles his messy little hair in the crook of sylus’s neck, mouths gummy little kisses on sylus’s cheeks.
had a phase where he relayed all his thoughts in a whisper to papa. sylus would broadcast it for everyone else to hear. he'd nod in approval with a little "mhm."
loves mama too, of course. loves mama’s voice. mama’s scent. he almost always falls asleep in your presence. never, ever fussy with you.
has developed very particular sensory needs— preferring deep pressure hugs, dimmer lighting, and more gentle, quieter sounds
he works through most issues, but in his toddler stage, he’s easily spooked and startled— cries often when he is
loves lucian! lucian is eternally amusing to him. his favorite slapstick. lucian, his walking chatty clone— tumbling over and startling him and making him giggle. he loves Lucian.
lucian's hugs! love that!
lucian's games! so fun!
lucian's attempts to string him along (even if he ends up waxing the floor with his forehead)! owwie, but yes!!
kyros feels his feelings deep and slow. disciplining him is like yelling at a baby duck with too-large eyes and a pouty little lip
it's very hard to stay mad at him (sylus struggles the most)
“kyros? you understand why papa is mad, right?”
kyros doesnt move. doesn't even look at him. sylus swallows.
“kyros, papa is mad because…”
kyros starts hiccuping, choking on silent tears. “papa mad.”
sylus digs his nails into his palms. “papa... mad because you almost got hurt. got an ouchie.”
kyros nods. “Papa mad. ouchie.”
on second thought, sylus isnt that good at disciplining toddlers. "kyros, say you understand."
"un'tad." kyros weeps.
"okay." sylus grabs his baby and cradles him to his chest. he peppers kisses into his hair and holds him tight. “no more. all done.”
“all done.” kyros sobs. sylus has to hold his back too.
kyros likes the nighttime, the outdoors. when he was sick, sylus often stood on the balcony and talked to him about the stars. somehow that absorbed.
kyros thrives in music. you discovered this, when he was fussy one day, and you were tired and aching, and decided to hum a tune into the crown of his head as you rocked him side to side
he quieted instantly, and you realize the vibrations of your voice have resonated in his skull— effectively calming him by buzzing like a bee
aside from papa, lucian is his next pillar of support. he tends to grasp onto lucian's hand and tug on his shirt when he gets that little bit scared.
likes the kitchen. happy to be in a carrier as you or sylus cooks. he likes the scents and the chop-chop-chop sounds.
likes hats :)
the first to bap! lucian when they got into a little argument. big emotions overwhelmed him easily, so when lucian took the stuffie from his hands, his little fist came down on lucian's thigh— it didnt hurt, but they were both told off and both cried
kyros clung to lucian all day after that — “sowwi, see-yan, sowwi.” 🥺
the big twins still navigate around kyros more cautiously, trying to learn his subtlety, but they get it eventually. kyros reminds them of themselves when they were much smaller, seeking comfort and a safe space. they do everything in their power to provide that for him (and lucian too)
kyros asks with little words, speech at a slower & steadier rate of development
"papa home?"
"squash! more?" (uses the little more gesture) "pease?"
"hug! hug!"
"one, two cookie? pease?" (spams the more gesture again)
uses your and sylus’s pet names for each other to address you sometimes
“ma bub (my love), papple juice, pease?” to papa
“peepie (sweetie), up?” to mama
“peepart (sweetheart), pease? pease, peepart?”
“na-night dadin' (darling)!” to lucian
likes apple juice 🧃💕
is super mesmerized by mephisto, but still gets surprised at his movements— flinches when mephisto shakes, freezes up when mephisto stretches his wings— but is trying to be friends. likes the jingling windchime sound mephisto does when he shakes his feathers.
loves story books. he appreciates whoever reads to him, curling himself around whoever’s arm, chubby little cheek pressed to a bicep as half-lidded eyes follow fingers hovering over words (will eventually learn to read first)
sleeps in this little kitty loaf position, with his fists in his eyes and his body curled in this child’s pose/fetal position
sylus has to right him in his sleep so he doesnt ache in the morning
ʕ ꈍᴥꈍʔ: if youve made it this far, i wish i could give you a big hug. thank you for reading all about the littles. they're full of life & love, and there will be stories where they bring that out of sylus, mama & the big twins too, and i hope you stick around for that <3 ❀-urs
✧˚ ⋆｡ read more with the little twins here | first little twin headcanon | author's pick: little twins & big twins fic | more sylus thoughts ✧˚ ⋆｡
feel free to send in messages/questions/drabble requests about them in my inbox, I'll be happy to gush about them some more hehe ( ⸝⸝•ᴗ•⸝⸝ )੭⁾⁾♡
Dave woke up feeling really refreshed for the first time in a while, in fact he felt great, but he also had a tiny niggle at the back of his mind, he didn't know why, he just knew something felt off. He pushed the thought to the side and started with his day, he thought about the great evening he had with Paul, he loved a movie night... although suddenly he realised he couldn't remember what film they watched, 'I know I fell asleep during the film', he thought to himself, 'but why can't I even remember what the damn film was? What is going on with me this morning?'. He stood at the bathroom mirror looking at himself, feeling a little concerned.
Again, he pushed those thoughts away and got himself ready for work, he knew one thing for sure, he was looking forward to seeing Paul again.
Dave arrived at the police station slightly early as he often did, but instead of following his usual routine of going into the staff room, grabbing a quick brew and having a chat with the other officers in there, he instead headed straight for Paul's office, he didn't really know why but he just knew it was the right thing to do. He'd been thinking about him all morning, all positive thoughts but that tiny niggle kept creeping back in, he just couldn't let it go, something wasn't right but whenever he tried to focus on what it could be, his mind kept blanking out on him.
'There he is, sat at his desk looking so handsome in his uniform', Dave thought as he stood looking in the office, 'wait what the hell, why did I just think he is handsome? I don't fancy him...do I? No of course not, I'm not into men'. Dave felt that niggling thought creeping back, 'Wait, the hypnosis, surely Paul didn't do anything then...did he? I need to ask him about this'. Dave opened the door and walked up to Paul, then he did something he's never done before in his life, yet he did it without question, he knelt down Infront of Paul and dropped his head.
"Aah good morning Dave", he gently stroked the top of Dave's head, "I'm glad to see you remembered. Now you can stand up and carry on as normal".
Dave stood up, smiled and said "morning mate how you doing this morning".
"I'm really good thanks, had a great evening with you last night, thanks again for coming round".
"hey no need to thank me, always enjoy a lads night at yours. Oh I've been meaning to ask you something, you know when you hypnotised me, what exactly did you do...or say to me? It's just.....I have this weird feeling in the back of my mind and whatever I do I just can't put my finger on it, but I also keep forgetting things. I just wondered if it's maybe something to do with the hypnosis?".
Paul felt tense for a moment, but he made sure not to show it. Surely he wasn't going to remember anything that happened was he?
"Well I don't think I did anything that would have caused you to forget things. I just put you under and got you deeply relaxed, then I slowly brought you back out of it again. The only thing I can think is you went a bit too deep under and your mind hasn't fully woken up yet or something".
Paul hoped that was enough to convince him, although he then thought he could just put Dave back under and sort this all out, but he didn't want to risk it when there were a lot of other people around in the building at this time of day so he left it for now.
"Hopefully the bit of brain fog you're having will clear up soon, but if not we can try another session to tap into your subconscious and see what's there...or not there. How does that sound?" Paul asked.
Dave stayed silent for a moment, he was thinking to himself...is Paul right? Could it just be temporary effects from the hypnosis? He had nothing else to go with and he knew nothing about hypnosis so he believed it could be true.
"ok mate yeah I'm sure you're right, hopefully it will all clear up soon and I'll remember things properly. Anyway best get on with my day, I'll see you later for our training sesh."
Paul smiled back as Dave turned around and left the office to head out on his morning patrols.
-----
As Dave rode around, doing traffic stops and all his usual routine, that niggle still kept popping back up, something still didn't feel right. Was Paul lying to him? Surely he wouldn't do that would he? Then he suddenly had a thought 'cameras! There's a camera in the office where he put me under, I can access the recordings when I get back and just check nothing weird happened'.
He returned to the office after a couple of hours, no sign of Paul anywhere. He checked with one of the staff in the main office who confirmed Paul was out on patrol. Dave went to his desk, removed his jacket and logged into the CCTV system, he wasn't meant to have full access to that but he obtained the log in details a while back and thankfully the password wasn't changed often so it still worked. He scanned across all the files and checked the times and dates until he found it...the video which should clear things up, he double clicked on the file and a video player opened up. There was Paul sat at the desk, he fast forwarded a bit until he saw himself appear then pressed play, he sat and watched, he saw when he started to go under. He realised he didn't remember any of this, it was so weird watching himself being hypnotised. But something still seemed off, he then noticed Paul pressed something on his keyboard, what did he do there?
Sound on recordings didn't automatically play and had to be turned on in a separate file setting. He'd never done this before and it was something that could potentially get him dismissed from his job, but he looked around and made sure no one else was around, went into the file settings and turned on the sound setting, then he went back to the beginning of the hypnosis part and watched again. Suddenly Dave's eyes went wide as he started to realise what happened yesterday. He turned up the volume slightly as he could make out a faint sound but couldn't quite make it out...as he turned it up he heard the file that Paul had been playing. Suddenly his mind went hazy for a few seconds, he stared blankly as the sound triggered him almost back to that same state he was originally in...but as another officer walked in and the door banged shut, it brought him back to reality and he stopped the video. He sat for a moment, he still felt funny but tried to compose himself. He put some headphones on but lowered the volume hoping to just hear what Paul was saying, he pressed play and he could just about hear him speak, he could hear Paul telling his past self to relax and to go deep, even just hearing those words again was having a slight effect on Dave, but he managed to keep listening, right up until he heard Paul say the words 'I control you'. Dave suddenly removed the headphones in horror. He couldn't listen any more, which was probably a good thing otherwise he would have heard his trigger phrase. He panicked trying to think what to do now, could Paul really control him? Was that why he had so many blanks in his mind?
He quickly spun round on his chair to leave the office when he saw Paul stood behind him, he gasped in shock, how long had he been stood there watching?
"err hey mate", Dave whimpered, "sorry I can't stop I need to head out on my next job, in a rush sorry".
Without even waiting for a response, Dave got up and quickly headed for the exit.
"Wait!" Paul called out, but Dave continued. He just got to the door when suddenly he stopped dead in his tracks.
"Sleepy cop", Paul had called out, he didn't shout but it was loud enough just for Dave to hear. His mind suddenly went blank, his arms dropped to his sides, his eyes suddenly went heavy and his head dropped slightly.
"Good sleepy cop", Paul said quickly, now stood next to a tranced Dave. Dave's eyes fluttered slightly at hearing his trigger phrase again. A quiet moan fell from his parted lips.
"Now just what were you looking at eh? There was no need to be looking at that footage of us together, you know you enjoyed it just as much as I did. Now you're going to forget that you ever saw that CCTV footage, and you won't ever have any of these silly niggles playing about in your mind from now on, everything will feel absolutely normal all the time, you're happy and content, and you love spending time with me, do you understand?"
Dave nodded slightly and a faint slurred yes could just about be heard.
"Good boy, now wake up".
Dave stirred and came back to reality once more.
"Oh hey mate, you ready for training this afternoon?" Dave asked.
"Sure am pal, sure am" he laughed slightly as he replied.
This academy has seven wonders that would make even a raven's feathers stand on end… Or was it nine? Oh my, they come and go every year, so I've forgotten how many we currently have.
We have ghosts who were previously executive chefs from premier hotels on our cafeteria staff. Oh, how much I struggled to recruit them.
About the School Facility
Aren't the paintings of the Great Seven hanging in the Headmage Office spectacular? I make sure to dust the frames so carefully every day with my utmost respect.
About Himself
Do my long glove claws get in my way? Not at all, I can't say I've ever found them to be inconvenient. After all, I am so very dexterous.
[yaaaaaaawn]… Apologies. I was watching Spelldrive on the TV until late last night, and now I cannot stop from yawning.
There was a delicious looking tomato stew on today's menu, so I selected it, only to discover it was habanero flavored! I can't really choke down spicy food, so the moment I took a bite, I couldn't stop the sweat and tears!
Towards the Students
The key to casting magic just as envisioned is imagination. There are even some mages who would draw or write down their thoughts so as to fully bring their magic to life.
Incidents / Memories
Eh? Any progress on a way to send you back home? Now, now, I am always thinking of it, even while eating or sleeping. Oh, come on, of course I haven't forgotten!
A blazing sun and sweet mangos… My vacation in the south was was so fun. Aah, I miss the sound of of the sea breeze.
We had a monster crash the entrance ceremony, and the cafeteria chandelier destroyed… Ah, this year has already been a constant run of trouble.
About School Staff
I often have tea with Trein-sensei. However, his cat hisses at me every time he sees me. I've just never gotten along with cats, you see.
When I let slip to Vargas-sensei that my shoulders felt stiff, he invited me to work out together. He would keep insisting I try, even when I would politely refuse. It's wonderful how motivated he may be, but it is a little troublesome.
Crewel-sensei has a fantastic style sense. I should have him put together a complete look from head to tailfeather.
I wish to make Sam-kun say "Out of stock!" one of these days, but so far, I've failed 1,937 times. Does he have some sort of precognitive abilities, or something?
Author….i crave more evil angst yandere two tits……
Shrivels up and dies
Yan!Twotime x reader drabble
RIPS MY HAIR OUT AND SCREAMS
A few warnings here, obviously, as always :broken_heart:
dddne, yandere but not romanticized, Twotime thinks you're the spawn deity, gore, blood, depicted mental health issues, two time crashes out
It was around 2 minutes into the round- 1x1x1x1 sending those damn poisonous blades everywhere, you were wounded- hell, you were sure you would drop dead and respawn in the lobby any minute now. Your breathing was irregular and heavy to the point it felt like Shedletsky's little creation over here was waltzing with your lungs.
Sneaking up around the corner, you let out a sigh of relief you didn't know you were holding. You hear Guest's yells and Elliots panicked cries for help as 1x1x1x1 is obviously doing anything to get rid of the pest undoing all his hard work and damage on the other survivors. 007n7 was doing generators- Shedletsky was awkwardly eating chicken around the other corner whereas you two actually made eye contact, a little habit you and him had developed, a little nod and a smile as you had slipped around the corner earlier.
Everything was- oddly normal? It was like any other day which says a lot considering you were in purgatory hell with myths and occasionally a red 10 year old trying to rid you of your life every day.
''My lord!''
you swear you lost the last bit of hp you had, choking on your breath you look to the side to see the cultist that had been following you around for a week now... Sure you had seen them awkwardly looking at you from afar- and everyone else also acknowledged that they were obviously a little insane in the membrane. You had previously talked with Elliot about how he had witnessed them whispering and occasionally giggling to themselves in the dark corner of the lobby- it was obvious that it would be good to avoid them...
That's what you thought at least- until they had started following you around, going on about you being some ''New dawn to all of Robloxia.''
There they were, looking at you with that stupid grin, their eyelid twitching; but if you look closely so was the rest of their body. It was.. A rather weird sight to behold- they looked like they were about to wretch on you any second, you saw the sweat drops on their forehead, their rabid breathing-... Yep- it was definitely Two time..
Of course it had to be them.. Things were going way too easily, now you had to deal with this...
''I-I ... Haah..~ I saw you.. t-talking to another mortal.. B-better yet an outsider.. n-n.. Ngh..''
You raised a brow..; You hadn't talked to anyone this round? You saw as they muttered to themselves, interrupting their sentence as they chewed on the last bits of flesh that accompanied their thin fingertips... The calloused hands that held their dagger on the daily.
They acted rather pathetic really. Their odd, constant stuttering just a highlight of how deep their mental state had gotten.
''N--Not one of us... Not one of your followers.. I- I don't understand I- Ha-...aah....''
Just as you were about to question their odd rambling about a topic you didn't even understand- they lunged at you, the grass of the map caressing your back as their body violently twitched, their neck spasming as their body repulsed at the familiar position they had once slaughtered their beloved with. The dagger pressed against your esophagus was almost more comforting than facing this...
''I've done everything right! S-So why?! Why won't you look at me my lord!? S-SEE?!-''
Before you could mutter out even a sound, they lifted their shirt revealing countless carved symbols of the spawn, the thing they called ''your mortal name'' carved right below each symbol.
''This is the most attention you've paid to me by far.. Look at me more o'almighty spawn!''
You squirmed- clearly freaked out by this horrifying sight... You thought abou-
''Is it because he's one of the admins?.. H-haha- I can be better! I swear!''
Oh.
Oh...
It was about the thing with Shedletsky.
Now you were the one that felt like puking- They had been watching you all along. Every single move, to even pick up on a simple smile and a nod you had given Shedletsky. You didn't even feel any romantic feelings towards him, but even if you did it wouldn't really matter considering you ESPECIALLY didn't like Two Time either.
''Two Time I..''
''I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation- it's not like tha-''
Like usual, they didn't listen at all but this time they smashed their lips onto yours, they obviously didn't know HOW to kiss, their teeth rubbing against your bottom lip, occasionally biting harshly as they giggled like a fucking maniac. Their breathing harsh and fast, as was their heart. Their hands roaming all over your body as you froze, you didn't know what to do, you felt.. Cold. So scared to do anything as you felt the tip of their dagger poke against your waist.
It all felt so hollow- so horrifying, you could swear that for a second you felt relief... But you knew it was the warm blood streaming down your abdomen. Even that was more comforting and loving than their brutal grip on you.
''I-It'll only hurt for a second, O'almighty spawn.. When you're on my level we can be happy.. And no one else can look at you again...''
Again and again and again. The dagger penetrated your insides, your liver was on fire, your lungs deflating, your heart leaking blood into your muscle tissue and soon enough your myoglobin leaked into the same blood that filled the inside of your torso. Your screams fueling their kisses muffling them out as they giggled.
The life that you thought you just got used to was slipping from your fingers. This wasn't the same deaths you were used to everyday- your health bar wasn't depleting, you had no sign of respawning... you close your eyes for a second. That's what you promised, just a second. But the embrace of freedom felt like a decade. His maniacal giggles slowly fading away as your sense shut down.
Yandere!batfam x betrothed!neglected!male!reader x yandere!demon!spouse
TW: yandere behaviour, paranoia.
After the multiple failed attempts at bonding, your father and siblings were getting desperate. They were all consciously aware of how time was slipping through their fingers, and Azrir was probably counting the seconds until they could whisk you away and turn you into their plaything.
Another worrying update to the bonding situation was how you'd started escaping from the house whenever people got too close to you (which was all the time), making you impossible to get hold of. Thanks to that, the coveted two weeks being spent Azrir-free had now whittled itself down to just three days. How had they failed this badly?
"What can we do with Y/N that'll make him . . . not hate us? There has to be something that won't end in abject failure," Damian said.
"Yeah, for that to work, we'll have to exercise some distance between you and him. You don't really mix well," Stephanie said.
Damian huffed and stared at his shoes. "Stop rubbing it in, Brown."
"There's a funfair coming up. Y/N might like it," Dick said.
"Oh my god, that's perfect! Prizes and unhealthy food and little stalls with games!" Stephanie giggled. "And when Y/N figures out that the stalls are rigged, we can comfort him and get something that's actually nice."
"He'll probably love it," Jason said. "I'll take him."
No, you're legally dead, Cassandra signed. I'm coming with you.
"Cass, you can't talk. If Y/N needs help, you won't be able to do anything," Stephanie chided. "I'm going with both of you."
Cassandra glared at Stephanie. I used to be a literal assassin, and you think I can't help Y/N while he's at the funfair?
"If someone has to call 911, Jason can't stick around. And you can't talk, so you're out. I'm staying with Y/N," Stephanie said.
"If you wanted to go, you could have said so."
They recruited Alfred to make the drop, 'accidentally' dropping a leaflet for the pop-up amusement park in front of you. "Oh. My apologies, Y/N. I'll get rid of that for you," Alfred moved to take the advertisement, but you held onto it.
"There's going to be a pop-up amusement park? In Gotham? With candyfloss and little stuffed animals? I've always wanted to go to one of those!"
"Well, it's always more fun for someone to go with you," Stephanie said. "And you get lost so quickly. I should go with you."
"Um . . . really?" you asked.
"Sure! Big sister bonding with little brother! Those boys have been crowding you so much, haven't they?"
And you are no better, you thought, as Stephanie hugged you.
*_*_*_*_*_
Stephanie, Cass, and Jason followed you out of the house, much to your quiet annoyance.
"You are going to get a prize that is as cute as you," Stephanie promised. "Just point to what you want, and you'll have it."
"Um . . . let me look around, first." You wandered through the fair, oohing and aahing at everything on offer until you got to the hook-a-duck stall. "This one."
"You want this stall?" Jason asked. "Why this one?"
"I want the little Kirby plushie," you admitted.
"Well, you can have him. Let big brother handle it," Jason said, paying the vendor a dollar and grabbing a hook. "How many ducks for the Kirby plushie?"
"Three red ducks," the spotty teenager said. "Consecutively."
You watched as Jason slowly slipped a hook under three red ducks in a row, with the precision of a brain surgeon with a scalpel. "Done it! Y/N, that Kirby plush is as good as yours!"
That Kirby plushie was yours. "Thank you, Jason," you said, eyes wide.
"Come and get your little prize!" the vendor said, retrieving it for you.
Jason, Stephanie, and Cassandra were in his face in seconds. "What did you say to my little brother?" Stephanie hissed.
"I . . . just told him to get his prize," the vendor said, a dark wet spot growing on the front of his pants. You grabbed the Kirby plush and left.
"Thank you," you whispered to the vendor, as you dragged your siblings away. "What are you doing?"
"Azrir has taken the form of that guy running the hook-a-duck stall, and they're giving you little hints when they think we won't notice," Stephanie hissed.
He's broken his promise, Cassandra signed.
"Azrir isn't contacting me. If they wanted to break their promise, they would have done so when I almost died in that restaurant from an allergy to mangoes," you said. "You're being paranoid."
"We're protecting you," Stephanie hissed.
"You've never done that before, and now you're failing to do that properly." You looked at Stephanie with apathetic eyes. "Just . . . let me enjoy some of this funfair."
"Fine," Jason said. You enjoyed a candy apple and an ungodly amount of candy floss before your overprotective siblings struck again.
"Hey, cutie," someone said. You turned to see a muscular androgynous person tower over you. They smelled of oak and a tiny bit of sweat. "This funfair is lame. Wanna do something a little more . . . adult?"
"No, he does not!" Stephanie yelled, before you had a chance to say no. "Get away from him, demon spawn!" Stephanie shoved the person away from you.
"Steph, they were just talking!" you tried to explain.
"Yeah, I just wanted to see if your little brother wanted to go someplace else! No big deal about that!" they spluttered.
"Son of a bitch!" Jason punched them to the ground, and you watched in horror as your siblings pounded them into the pavement.
"Get off them!" you screamed, hugging Kirby as tightly as you could. You looked down and then wished you hadn't; some of the unlucky victim's blood had splattered onto your shoe.
"Break it up, scumbags! There are kids here!" a police officer yelled. You watched Jason, Stephanie, and Cass get arrested while the unlucky person that had doomed themselves by flirting with you waited for an ambulance.
"That's what you get for flirting with Y/N!" Jason yelled, as he was shoved head-first into a panda car.
"Who's Y/N?" a cop asked. Cass pointed at you.
Your siblings' victim groaned from their puddle of blood on the floor. "I just wanted his number, and they beat me up."
"The kid with the fair prize? Did he beat you up as well?" another cop asked.
"No, just them," the unlucky fairgoer said.
You ended up going to the police station with your siblings, albeit to give a statement and not to be arrested. Bruce came to collect you all hours later.
"I cannot believe that you ruined this night for Y/N," Bruce lectured. "All you had to do was go to a fair with him and make sure he had a good time. But instead, I get called to the police station because you picked a fight with a random person!"
"They were catcalling Y/N!" Stephanie protested. "They tried to lure him away from us!"
"You thought they were Azrir in human form, even though the fortnight isn't up! Azrir still has to wait before they can see me again!" You shrank underneath the windows. "Ugh, why are you all so smothering exactly when I don't want you anywhere near me?"
Alfred drove you back in silence, everyone in the car feeling low. They'd so blown it with you. Completely, utterly blown it.
Azrir watched over you with glee. "There, there, Y/N, don't be upset. I'll be there to comfort you soon."
Something I was thinking about lately is Tsuna's daddy issues. Specifically this frame.
Like that's such a loaded thing to think about. He's got so much resentment built up. Obviously, there's no direct connection to any of Tsuna's issues made but I think a few fun things can be said from this. In general, Tsuna clearly didn't have a father figure in his life which sorta results in him leaning on Reborn pretty often. Tsuna doesn't have a very stable self-esteem with him going from confident to "Aah, Gokuderas going to become disillusioned with me now that all my flaws have been pointed out." GOKUDERA. His FIRST SUBORDINATE. The guy who literally has been LOYAL FROM DAY ONE. Not that we consider them canon, but this happens also during the filler arcs where Daemon points out that Tsuna's not worth following to Gokudera and it seems to make Tsuna a little antsy. He DOES NOT THINK THE PEOPLE HE LOVES ARE GOING TO STAY WITH HIM, THIS IS LITERALLY RUINING MY LIFE. What Daddy Issues DO TO A MF. But that's a post for another day. But okay, back to Reborn, Reborn proves himself to be immovable from Tsuna's life. The story points out that Tsuna very much has two fathers. The one who won't leave and the one who is always gone. Tsuna really leans on Reborn throughout the series. "Reborn, what do I do?" Is a common thing he says, until Reborn is literally swept away from him against his will in Future arc where he's forced to think that he's half a person in Reborns absence. Meanwhile, we have Iemitsu who Tsuna has resentment built up towards, does not respect, and is forced to acknowledge in order to win his fight. Throughout the rainbow arc battle, they try to point out that Iemitsu is trying to teach Tsuna something here and unless I'm confused (someone feel free to tell me?) it's not really clear WHAT that is. And I've always thought that was neat, because it's obviously coming from Tsuna's inability to respect Iemitsu enough to want to learn anything from him. Yet when Reborn comes in, hell he doesn't even recognize him in his Adult form, but he politely listens and takes his advice seriously. In the grand scheme of the series, Reborn is a good teacher and father figure in his life. When Tsuna is made to feel like that he can't do anything in Reborn's absence during Future, Reborn takes a step back in that arc and lets him learn to survive without his guidance. (Notice how the training almost entirely disappears after Future.) He lets him learn how to be a person without him, only stepping in to help when Tsuna really needs it. When he's unable to light his flame, with Spanner, or when he's freaking out about the Irie reveal, the list really goes on. There's a scene I recall I believe when Yuni asks to join their group, Tsuna still turns to ask Reborn what to do, and Reborn redirects him by asking him what he wants to do. That it was his call as a boss. And Tsuna ends up making the decision to help her off his own accord.
It's with Reborn's guidance that Tsuna ends up learning to be his own person, it's this guidance that allows him to make the decision and gather everyone on his own accord when it was Reborn's turn to be shaky and give up. Where Tsuna tells him that he's got this under control, without his guidance. To just watch him. "you've always knew I could win before." It's this arc where Reborn's pride in Tsuna shines. Multiple times. "Surprise me again, Tsuna." And he does. It's in Reborn's second absence where Tsuna feels himself get shaky again, feels the old feelings of poor self image crop up, that Reborn comes back. Because Reborn is not Iemitsu, and he wasn't someone who left him in that house alone forever. Because he's still young and has much to learn before he's ready to do this on his own. It's at this he feels a little embarrassed about how glad he is that Reborn came back, but then recalls the "mean words" that Reborn said before leaving. It's here that Reborn tells him it's a good thing he hasn't changed much. Another sliver of guidance that Tsuna takes in from the figure in his life that won't leave him alone in that house.
WARNING(S): Canon divergence, rejection-sensitive reader with self-esteem issues, misunderstandings, That Kiss, MC and Caleb's complicated past, not unrequited love, lots of self-destructive thoughts
Notes: I was gonna post this last night but I got super frustrated since I had to re-italicize text... so I'm doing it now when I'm not tired and grumpy. This is purely self-indulgent bullshit tbh - I've struggled with intimacy for a long time and as much as I love how confident MC is with what she wants in canon, I wanted to explore a more sensitive version of her.
Taglist: @kingraspberry12-blog
For as long as you could remember, Caleb had been the only one you wanted.
He had always been there, through thick and thin, from childhood to now. When you tried to imagine home, his face, smiling and bright, inevitably surfaced in your mind’s eye. Countless nights you dreamed of the day when you could run off together, to a place only you knew. A place with a sprawling garden and a balcony and a view - a place where no one could disturb you or threaten you again.
When you grew up, those dreams faded into the background. Now you were busy chasing bigger dreams. Dreams of becoming a respected hunter. Dreams of making a life of your own. Even Caleb seemed to fade away. Until he didn’t.
Suddenly he was back in your life again, so much the same boy you’d fallen in love with— yet markedly different. Colder. Warier. But he spoke to you with all the warmth of his boyhood self as he wistfully recounted your childish dreams of your villa on the hill, of your expansive garden, of your solitude. He hadn’t spoken this way since you were small, still indulging your girlish ideas about the perfect life you might lead together.
The Caleb you knew had long since stopped accepting your advances.
“This was a mistake.”
That phrase kept taunting you even now, even despite Caleb’s insistence that whatever leashes that restrained you were irrevocably destroyed in that explosion.
It was too good to be true. You knew it had to be. The Caleb you still remembered had long been firm about keeping that boundary alive, even until he “died”. This was simply some side-effect of whatever drugs that clung to your system.
And Caleb’s hopeful demeanor faltered at your hesitance. At your dismissal.
“We can finally be together. In a place where no one can hurt us. Just like you wanted, Pips.” He told you, reaching out to pinch a lock of hair between his fingers.
You couldn’t get it out of your head. The rejection that had haunted you for almost a decade of your life.
This was a mistake.
—————
“This was a mistake. We— I— I shouldn’t have…”
Your hope faded as Caleb wiped his mouth and got up from your bed. His hands shook, his face still flushed - but his expression was pinched tight with regret.
Regret. Had you really been that bad?
Your heart clenched in your chest.
It had all started at school. Everyone was back from break and buzzing about all that they had been up to. Your friends were oohing and aahing over details about a date that another girl had been on.
“And then—!” She’d squealed, face tinted a delicate pink, “He kissed me!”
Your ears had perked up at that.
Your friends giggled and squealed about it, but it had you wondering. Now that you were in year 10, you’d come to realize just how much more experienced your friends were. Some were meeting boys, others had gone on dates, and now Hana had kissed a boy.
What had you done? Nothing. You’d felt a little embarrassed at the thought. No boys, no flirting, no dates, nothing. You hadn’t even had your first kiss yet.
Of course, you were saving it. That was the timid answer you gave every time someone asked. You just hadn’t found the right time, or the right person, to share it with. But then you felt a little lame. Everyone else was moving forward, growing up, branching out - yet you still felt like a child.
And so, after school, while Grandma was at the store picking up something she needed for dinner, you’d pulled Caleb into your room for a serious question.
“Can… can we practice kissing?”
The older boy had gone stock-still for several long seconds, staring at you as if you’d grown another limb. His voice had cracked a little as he choked out, “… What?”
“You heard me.” Your answer was a pouty little huff as you gave him a flat stare. “I’m already sixteen and I’ve never even come close to kissing a boy. I just…” you faltered then, playing with the hem of your shirt, “… I just want to make sure I don't mess it up when it does happen.”
He stared at you longer this time. You had started to get annoyed. But just when you were about to tell him to forget it, he’d spoken up. “And… you’re sure you wanna practice… with me.”
You folded your arms across your chest, raising an incredulous brow. “So I can practice with someone else?”
That had seemed to shake him out of it. “No, no, I—” he sighed. Closed his eyes. Tilted his head back. And then he stared at your ceiling for a few seconds before looking back down at you.
“It doesn’t leave this room,” he stated flatly. “And no telling Grandma.”
Your heart had lifted. You nodded. “No telling Grandma,” you’d agreed.
Caleb had seemed like an impossible weight hung off his shoulders as he shut your door and led you over to sit on the edge of your bed. His warm, warm hands grasped your shoulders, golden-purple eyes searching your face for any sign of hesitance.
The gravity of what you were about to do lingered in the air like his Evol. It fizzled with a strange sense of excitement - finally, finally, you would experience what it felt like to kiss someone.
He hesitated before it happened. His hands, always feather-gentle on your shoulders, held you like delicate spun glass. His gaze flickered down to your eyes, your nose, your lips - and he swallowed.
“You’re sure you want…?” He trailed off.
You hadn’t let him wait long. “Yes. Kiss me.”
His hand moved upward, along your shoulder, up your neck, to cup your cheek, thumb pressing a streak along your cheekbone before he brought you in.
His breath fanned along your face, warm, sweet with the apple you’d shared earlier. His eyes seared with something you couldn’t quite name, something that trickled down your spine and cast a shiver along your arms.
And the atmosphere seemed to hold its breath when you felt his lips, soft and minty-flavored, press into yours. Light as a sigh, barely able to be felt for the split-second before he seemed to grow bolder. He leaned in closer, his muscled thigh pressing into your own as his head tilted to better meet your mouth.
For one dizzy second, you couldn’t breathe. Caleb was everywhere - his touch, his lips, his cologne - and there was a quick static shock of panic that he was going to consume you whole.
But just as quickly as the kiss deepened, Caleb broke away, panting hard. His ears were burning red, half-lidded eyes as twin stars searing through your skin, pleasant and scalding.
Your heartbeat thudded against your ribs, loud and heavy.
And then he blinked, and whatever spell had befallen the room was shattered.
And he all but ran from you, face tinged with guilt and leaving you with a stomach full of rocks.
—————
After that, you had begun to pull away, little by little. Every time you went to be like your old touchy self, he would stiffen, and you would stop short. Caleb’s regretful frown still made your chest twist, even now. It had only gotten worse once he graduated and moved on to become a pilot with the DAA, and you were left behind.
For a while, you resented it. Resented him. But then the guilt would seep in, and you hated that you felt that way. Deep down, you’d known why he pushed you away that day; in the eyes of the law, you were both still Grandma's wards, and he made sure you knew what that meant. As if you could forget after that kiss.
Grandma hadn’t known what happened, but one look at your sullen self had softened her - and when you mumbled something about ‘boy troubles’, she made you some tea and a snack.
“You’re still so young,” she’d told you. “You might feel like giving up right now, but one day you’ll look back and see it as the bump in the road that it is. You still have plenty of time to find a nice young man.”
At the time, you couldn’t help the petulant, childish thought: but I want Caleb.
But your hurt ebbed away, slowly and surely. It became easier to deal with when Caleb went to Skyhaven, despite the startling emptiness. By the time you were out of university and had become a hunter, the topic of boyfriends was shoved in the back of your mind’s closet. Grandma had gently prodded you here and there, mentioning another childhood friend, Zayne, but you still didn’t feel ready to find someone. Every time you thought about it, you’d see Caleb in your mind’s eye and your stomach would twist. You didn’t want to risk rejection again, not from him or anyone else.
The explosion hadn't made your old griefs easier to face. Where before you’d thought you still had time to heal and finally talk about that kiss, now you were left bereft. Months passed in a blur. You practically sleepwalked through your days - until you finally managed to get ahold of yourself again. Your trip to the N109 had helped you finally give your head a good shake.
—And then Caleb came back. Not quite the Caleb you loved, but Caleb nonetheless.
And this version of your girlhood crush seemed to have come to the same exact realization that you had. Time wasn’t guaranteed. There was no ignoring your history anymore.
“I’m tired of playing this pretend-family game,” he’d snapped, nebulaic eyes practically aglow in the dark, even without lightning casting shadows across his face.
Had you still been sixteen, it might have made you swoon. Now it just hurt.
When will I push him too far?
When will he realize he’s making another mistake?
You’d cried. Not loudly, not dramatically - but he had registered the tears dribbling down your face.
Caleb’s harsh gaze had softened, and he had pulled you to his chest.
“This was a mistake,” you’d mumbled, shaking your head. “I— I shouldn’t have…”
His grip tightened on your shoulder. Whether he remembered the words you’d unconsciously repeated or not, he never let you know it. But he recognized the weight of them all the same.
“Give this a chance,” he’d pleaded. “Give us a chance. Don’t you want it? An opportunity to finally be free?”
You hadn’t responded to that. Your heart was throbbing in your chest with old wounds.
Even after weeks and months passed, your relationship seemed to stagnate. It was hard to go back to your old dynamic, no matter how much he prodded and treated you like he had before.
Mistake.
When would he suddenly realize he was making another mistake?
When would he realize he didn’t want you as anything more than that bright-eyed little tail?
Sometimes you thought back to your later high school years. You would reminisce about how jealous you used to be. Caleb had always been widely beloved and sought-after, especially by girls. Mothers would meet him and gush about how lucky his future wife would be (and not-so-subtly suggesting their own daughters ought to meet him). Your grandma’s friends would rave to her about what a wonderful young man she’d raised. Teachers would commend him as a shining example to others. And girls… girls tended to crowd about him, all smiles with their pretty faces flushed and their voices a soft lilt.
At the time, you had always sighed in relief when you saw (or heard) him reject their advances - but it was short-lived, as it always brought you back to your own rejection. Was he not into girls? Was he not into anyone?
“Guess I’m just waitin’,” he’d always say, nudging you with his elbow.
Now it seemed he wanted to do everything but wait. Even early on in your tentative relationship he was touchier, that familiar gaze searing with warmth and with the weight of things still left undiscussed.
“When will you realize… you don’t want this?” You whispered one night.
Caleb’s jaw clenched for a moment. And then he found your hand, his own warm flesh engulfing it. “I’m sick of ignoring what I want,” he said, voice heavy. “And what I want - what I’ve always wanted - is you. You don’t know how long I’ve dreamed of having this.”
Still, that nagging little fear poked at the back of your brain. It poked uncomfortably even when you were together, reared its ugly head whenever things even seemed to go further than a hug. You would freeze up. Your mind would hit the panic button. You’d push him away, shakily muttering an apology and some half-hearted excuse. You’d try so hard to avoid the stunned surprise and the sullen flicker in his expression as he gently reassured you that it was alright.
It hurt. It hurt to be unable to even kiss Caleb. Now that you had the chance and the excuse to do so… your brain wouldn’t let you. And what hurt even more than your inability to be intimate was how he reacted. You wouldn’t blame him one bit if one day he finally snapped and broke up with you for being frigid. There was a fine line between innocently coy and just plain prude, and there were many nights where you lay awake worrying that you’d finally tipped too far in the latter direction. Some logical part of you knew that Caleb had stayed by your side in worse moments. But the part of you that was still a girl in love fretted all the same.
“What, wait, you haven’t even kissed anyone yet?” Tara’s wide-eyed stare stuck out in your brain. You knew she didn’t mean to be rude about it, but the incredulous tone of her voice made your guts churn and you to get defensive.
That kiss didn’t count. It hadn’t counted since the day Caleb hurried from your room, wiping the remnants of your favorite lipgloss from his mouth.
“We were teenagers,” he reminded you sometimes. “You were curious. I couldn’t… shield you from that kind of thing forever.”
I just wish it wasn’t you.
That thought nagged at you. The same response you’d read in his face, and the same thought that prickled in the base of your brain.
I just wish it wasn’t you.
It would have been easier if it had been some boy. Maybe a boy from one of your classes, or maybe a boy from the fringes of your friend group. It would have been easier if it had been a boy you hadn’t cared enough about, or a boy you’d never talk to again. Then at least you would have had Caleb to go crying to about an awful first experience.
But you hadn’t wanted any random boy. You still didn’t want a random boy. It had to be Caleb.
Deep down, you knew the reason. But some childish part of you refused to move on. The boy - now man - who would give you anything, had a limit. You were just a little too reluctant to cross it.
Whenever you saw him stiffen, whenever you saw him hesitate - you made a note to avoid whatever action caused that response. It was when you finally flinched away from a hug that it seemed to break him.
“Pips,” he started carefully, “did I… did I do something wrong? Are you mad at me?”
“No.” You were quick to reply. You wrapped your arms about yourself and attempted a smile.
His gaze swept across you, and it was almost enough to get you to give in. Almost.
“… Then can ya look at me?” His voice grew quieter, more pleading.
Slowly, reluctantly, you did.
“You love hugs. You used to always want me to hug you. What happened?” He glanced down at his right arm for a second. “Did I lose control of my strength?”
“No.” Your voice came out more crumbly than you wanted.
“Is it me?” He tried to disguise the hurt in his voice with humor. “Do I need to shower again?”
You shook your head.
His facade fell. He got closer. “You can tell me anything. You know that, right? You can touch me. Unless…” he said more carefully, “you don’t like touch anymore?”
Your shoulders shook. Just a little.
“I— I can’t.” Your voice broke. Your lips wobbled as you looked back down at the floor. “I can’t get it out of my head. That kiss.”
Caleb’s surprise melted into something more solemn.
“I’m trying. But I— I just— I can’t touch you. Whenever I try, my brain just…” you made a wild gesture with your hands before slouching even more. “It just says… no.”
He reached for you. When his fingertips pressed into your shoulder and you didn’t move away, his palm joined them. Caleb had always run hot. Warmth seeped through your clothes all the way to your bones, but it didn’t ease your nerves.
You whispered, “I don’t want to do something you’ll regret.”
There came a very long pause.
You swiped your thumb across your lower eyelids, trying to get ahead of the pesky tears that were threatening to spill over as your words became a shaking ramble. “It’s stupid, I know. It’s stupid, I’m being stupid—”
Warmer arms enveloped you. Caleb tucked your face into his chest and pulled you into his lap. His hands seemed to tremble a little.
“It’s not stupid. You’re not stupid.” He squeezed you a little tighter and pressed his face into the crown of your head.
“I feel like it is.”
“No. No, Pips, you…” Caleb trailed off. He pulled back just enough to cup your cheek with one hand and tilt your face up. His own expression twisted with pain when he saw your tears. “… have you talked to anybody about this?”
You shook your head. “I don’t need anyone telling me that I’m— some kind of weird… broken person.”
“You’re not.” His voice got minutely firmer, and his eyes more earnest. “Not weird or broken. You’re— geez, Pips, why didn’t you tell me?”
Your voice dropped, not quite a whisper. “I didn’t think you’d want to talk about it anymore.”
Thunder grumbled across the clouds outside, in a bittersweet facsimile of the night you both finally breached that line. You didn’t move. Caleb didn’t move.
“I’m sorry…” your voice cracked.
“No. No, you’re— it’s,” Caleb let out a heaving sigh, one that twisted your heart with fresh agony. “It’s not your fault. I should have— I should’ve checked on you. I should’ve been the one to say sorry.”
It felt weird to be breathing. Caleb swiped away the moisture gathering on your eyelid.
“I was a coward,” he bitterly continued. “I didn’t think about how it made you felt. I was just— I couldn’t stop thinking about how much it made me want even more. And it… scared me. Because I wasn’t supposed to want you the way I did. And if Granny had found out…”
You could only imagine how mad she would have been. She already scolded Caleb for being so lenient in his boundaries with you well into your teenage years. If she had known it was he who had taken your first kiss…
… Actually, you didn’t want to think about it.
He muttered a cuss. “You’ve been holding onto that for all these years? You were hurting this bad, and— and you didn’t think you could tell me?”
“Because it was stupid,” you weakly defended with a shrug of your shoulder.
“Your feelings aren’t stupid, Pips. They never were.” This time it was Caleb’s voice that cracked, and the sound of it made your throat tighten again. “I’m sorry. I never wanted to make you feel like a burden on me. Y’know?”
You tried to believe him. But the traitorous voice deep in your heart made it so hard.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, holding you tighter. “I’m sorry, Pips, I’m sorry…”
