#spn 11.15

[foxthefanboi]

11x15 - Beyond the Mat

[mittensmorgul]

Have I mentioned how much I love s11? Like before s14 aired, this was without question my favorite season of the entire series.

And after s14? I only love s11 more.

I watched 11.15 and 11.16 just now, and short of writing very long pieces about both episodes, I’ll just kinda use this space to point and flail in the general direction of s15.

(and now that I’m watching 11.17, I’m reminded how this episode feels like it was intended to come AFTER 11.18, and how to me it still feels like that’s where it should be, but how doing that it just... makes s11 kinda ott destiel-y... i mean, even more than it actually looked on the surface...)

(okay I confess there’s no real point to this, but I haven’t had time to type up proper rewatch notes in a while and I’m starting to feel guilty about that... I really need my real life to Stop That immediately, you know? But unfortunately I’m not seeing a reprieve anywhere on the horizon in that respect. >.>)

[mittensmorgul]

11.15, Beyond the Mat.

Jerry Wanek directed :').

I'd like to use this episode to point out the ongoing theme of "looking to the past," as well as "uncovering and laying bare the hidden truths of the past."

This was touched on a bit in 11.14, through literally travelling back to the 1940's to a sub that was lost at sea during WWII, wherein the course of the episode Dean learns the full truth of that sub's mission and fate, which was far more than was even written in the MoL's records of the event. But 11.15 focuses (instead of on historical events unconnected to the Winchesters directly) on Sam and Dean's own childhood, their relationship with their father, and what became of their lives as a direct result of their interactions with the supernatural.

To learn after the fact that his childhood hero's one brief moment of success was the result of a demon deal that he's still bound up in, Dean is forced to face the consequences and realities of his own past deals and the larger effects of those choices on the universe. This episode was about acknowledgement of those, acceptance, and the beginning of Dean's conscious effort to lay his past baggage aside, to see his present more clearly and be able to make better choices going forward.

And also to acknowledge what he actually HAS, and what he’s willing to stake to protect what he loves...

No wonder those are strong themes right the way through the end of s14.

[mittensmorgul]

Going back through some of my liveblogging posts from 14.01, and rewatching it a couple times today, there’s a few things I wanted to at least point out in a more coherent fashion than my garbled liveblogging (and a couple of things I didn’t even notice the first time around), I’ve now watched it four times through all told, I think. So let’s call these my rewatch notes:

1. Jamil shuts off his phone’s alarm, and it’s replaced by beach sounds-- seagulls and the ocean rolling against the shore. More fake beach vacation promises. Do I need to make BeachBaiting a tag like grenadebaiting was back in s12?

2. Michael looking down at Jamil on the floor and telling him what he wants is “A Better World,” much like Mick Davies in 12.09:

Mick: Let me paint you a picture of a world without monsters or demons or any of those little buggers that go bump in the night. Of a world where no one has to die because of the supernatural. Of a new world, a better world.

This is so interesting first off because Mick is short for Michael, but the “better world” each of them foresaw and worked for is so vastly different. Mick’s involved the eradication of all monsters for their “impurity,” while Michael’s involves the eradication of humans BY monsters, because their desire to simply eat is “pure.” Their ultimate goals might be opposites, but their methods and even rhetoric are all from the same sort of playbook.

3. Sam’s blue plaid and orange jacket has shades of the two conflicting colors of the new title card... the orange blown offscreen and replaced with the shiny blue grace light. This is neither here nor there, just an interesting observation about a color scheme that’s clearly thematically relevant. Plus any excuse to make conversation about the orange jacket relevant, just to annoy Lizbob. :P

4. Bobby quoting Rocky, and Jack thinking it’s Gandhi. :P (yes, I watched the rest of that scene with the rocky music playing in my head)

5. Cas hadn’t even been at Motown Meats long enough to order a glass of water for himself when Kip walked in. And Kip expressed surprise and interest in the fact he’d lost a Winchester (along with innuendo and a taunt about Dean specifically). But by his later statements about having been asked what he wants recently, it’s clear that he’d had a little chat with Dinkle. But... did Kip realize he was standing face to face with Dean Winchester? Or was he only aware he was talking to Michael, not recognizing the vessel? Because I think if he HAD recognized that Michael was wearing Dean, his taunts to Castiel would’ve been very different, you know? Not about how irresponsible it was to lose the Winchester he was attached at the everything to, but about his favorite Winchester running around with another angel... If Kip had known that, I think he wouldn’t have passed up the opportunity to deliver that much deeper dig at Cas. So since we’ll never actually know now that he’s dead, that’s what I’m assuming. :P

6. The way Castiel was beaten to the ground by that group of demons is visually reminiscent to the way the character only known as “Scarf Angel” was beaten by Metatron’s human devotees in 9.23, when he was playing the role of “Marv the Healer.” This is also a nice callback to the differences between Marv and Sister Jo-- yes they’re both angels attempting to secure their own means by using their angel powers to cultivate a human following, but heck compared to Marv’s goals (fomenting human suffering and violence in his defense), at least Sister Jo is just trying to make herself comfortable on Earth, you know? It’s a kinder, gentler, less megalomaniacal approach. But still, Scarf Angel was beaten down the same way Cas was-- BY HUMANS NO LESS, not even demons, so there’s another dollar in the “not OOC” jar for that scene. At least no one rolled an angel blade into the mix this time around, because Scarf Angel got himself dead by those humans in 9.23, just for trying to speak the truth about Metatron.

7. There’s some creepy similarities between Michael’s little speech to Sister Jo-- even his affect and the softness and cadence of his words-- that’s reminiscent of Amara’s talks with Dean back in s11, with the whole “give up your smallness, your humanity,” etc. What they’re asking isn’t even really all that similar, but the sinister surety has the same shades to it.

8. Nick. Re-introduced here with Lucifer’s temptation of him to say yes way back in 5.01. The flashbacks we’re shown are of Lucifer using his murdered wife, and horrifying memories of his murdered child in its crib, dripping blood. Nick was angry at God for letting that happen to his family, and Lucifer promised him justice and peace. (so much for that!). His memories flash to the blood-filled crib, and he says yes. Because of his own murdered child and his need for justice over that. Can you even IMAGINE what it must’ve been like for Nick if he’s been even a little bit aware of what’s happened since Lucifer was forced back into his vessel? All of Lucifer’s manipulative games with Jack-- his own son-- when Nick essentially gave up EVERYTHING and agreed to be Lucifer’s vessel for the promise of justice for his own lost child? How... horrific for Nick. And then knowing what Lucifer did to Jack, how he nearly killed Jack, taking Jack’s grace for his own needs and now seeing how hurt Jack is over all of this and yet... there is no justice anywhere, and no peace for either of them. Even with Lucifer dead. It’s just... owie. With Nick here now, I hope at least some of this gets addressed, in addition to Sam’s trauma with Lucifer... Lucifer spread an awful lot of trauma around, and it would be nice to get at least a little bit of attention on that fact.

9. Mary’s speech to Sam in the car about the fact she has to keep thinking positively FOR DEAN’S SAKE, instead of giving in to despair or coming at this from a position of negativity, sums up everything she’s had to come to terms with since she was brought back to life in 11.23. And if you can hear that and see that and not understand that she’s basically stepped into Dean’s shoes here, and think Mary is a “bad character” still, I guess I have no hope of ever convincing you otherwise. *throws up hands* *regrets eating hands*

10. Bobby’s little pep talk to Jack in the car on the way to Detroit, acknowledging how many times Jack saved him in the other world and reassuring Jack that he has his back now (Maggie too, since they show her face during this conversation), is everything. This might not be the same Bobby who taught Sam and Dean about capital F Family that don’t end in blood, but hell if he isn’t close enough. Family now transcends alternate universes.

11. As Sam walks into Motown Meats, he tells his four sheeps “You know what to do.”  Much has already been written about the Beyonce line, so I’m gonna leave it for now, but after that grandiose lil speech, Sam completely ignores Kip, even walks around him, to talk to Cas. :’) I just love how entirely dismissive Sam is of Kip, not even shaking his hand, being utterly informal with his, “Cool. Kip.” retort to Kip’s continued affectations and flattery and all of that.

12. The demons found Maggie and Jack outside, who didn’t even put up a fight. Were they even armed? Or were they supposed to just be “bait” to let Kip think that this was Sam’s best backup, to play down Sam’s skills and assets? Especially since Bobby and Mary weren’t captured. I think they were supposed to sweep for lookouts or guards outside, to create a diversion so Mary and Bobby could have a clear path to the door with their arsenal, without alerting all the demons inside. Clever. :)

13. Kip says the line, “I’m a demon, that’s how we do.” And honestly in that moment I could only think of Dean in 9.13 during their job interview at the Canyon Valley Spa:

MARITZA: And you boys are both certified personal trainers? DEAN: Yeah. Yeah, personal training brothers. Kind of like Hans and Franz, but, uh, less German. LARRY: And you're certified in... DEAN: Makin' people sweat! Yeah. Kickin' ass and takin' names! [He slams his hand on the table] That's how we do! SAM: Uh...Uh, to clarify, uh, what my brother's trying to say is, we both have a passion for fitness and helping people.

And I can only imagine Sam was groaning on the inside at the memory of that incident. :P

14. Sam’s still not having any of Kip’s affected hospitality, and refuses to sit. Like, seriously, everything about what’s happening here is a strategic bluff. This is all a power play, the likes of which typically fell to Dean in the past. I mean, think of 13.15, and Dean’s posturing with the Mafia boss guy, while Sam squirmed uncomfortably thinking they were about to be murdered at any second for their insolence. But here Sam is, playing that game with Dean’s usual cavalier attitude and brilliant poker face. I mean, he’s not as quippy as Dean, but who is, right? This is Sam Samming his way through Dean’s usual shtick though, and I appreciate that.

15. Idiot Kip, basically handed over all the power in that room to Sam the moment he announced that he might not be afraid of Sam, but all his minion demons were... I mean... There you go...

16. Jack runs in during the fight, unarmed, to have Bobby’s back when a demon had him down. :’) Even better, Bobby’s muttered reply to Jack’s two-fisted defense? “Aw, balls.” :’) 

17. Through all of this, all of his loved ones who’d come to rescue him, Cas is chained to a chair, unable to even MOVE, or DUCK OUT OF THE WAY, or offer any support at all because of the cuffs binding him to the chair. He has to watch all of this go down, helpless to do anything to defend his loved ones as they’re beaten and hurt because of him. OW. Bonus: this is metaphorically the position that DEAN is in as well. He’s chained in place, too, wherever Michael drags him while his family searches for him and tries to free him. Honestly I wonder if Dean even hopes his family never finds him, dreading what Michael might do to them with his own hands, you know? YIKES. Okay enough of that kind of thinking. I’ll save that for next week... >.> But back to Cas, at least at the end, the worst any of his family suffered was a punch in the face.

18. ONE WORD FROM SAM IS ENOUGH to stop all the fighting once he’s killed Kip. Because Kip had been right. All those other demons are afraid of Sam. They’re probably even more afraid now that their chosen leader is dead at Sam’s hand.

19. I already wrote something up about Sam’s declaration here, as well as his hubris, which I’m looking forward to seeing the consequences of going forward.

20. Sitting in the same spots where Dean and Cas once had a heartbreaking conversation back in 9.10, about doing the wrong things for the right reasons, and being willing to do anything to save Sam from Gadreel, Sam and Cas have a conversation about doing the wrong things for the right reasons, and doing anything to save Dean from Michael.

21. Sam reassuring Jack about it being okay that he doesn’t have his powers now, that he’s not helpless nor useless, because he has Cas, and all the rest of his family. Cas suggests his grace “SHOULD regenerate in time,” but that’s not the same as “definitely will regenerate.” But Jack just feels like he can’t succeed at anything... hmmm... this entire setup feels familiar...

22. oh, right! This whole, you have me, you have your family, and together we’re going to find Dean and beat Michael, and we’re gonna do it together, because that’s what we do. This is... this is exactly what Dean told a disconsolate and desperate Cas in 12.19. And Cas may never have heard Dean give a very similar speech to Sam at the end of 11.15, because that one had included finding Cas himself when he was possessed by Lucifer, but:

Dean: And that's how we're gonna win. And we're gonna win. We're gonna save Cas, we're gonna ice the Devil, and we're gonna shank the Darkness. And anyone that gets in our way. Well, God help 'em.

23. Sister Jo’s call. Which I wasn’t gonna mention except I had the audacity to quote that line from 11.15, and it pinged my memory of Jo’s first little conversation at the beginning of this episode. At the church, she’s seeing off the people she’d healed that night, and a man stops to thank her for saving his life. His wife thanks her, and says, “God bless you.” Jo replies, “He does, every day.” So when I typed “Well, God help ‘em.” As I let the end of the episode play out, and it’s Jo who calls to tell Sam about Dinkle, well, I can’t help but think that might be a bit of a divine intervention there.

[mittensmorgul]

(Don't answer if you don't want to) This question has been bothering me every time I've watched Season 6....what happened to Heaven's weapons? Balthazar hands Castiel the weapons and this makes Castiel the winner of the civil war, since he's put Raphael at a disadvantage. After that, we don't hear about them again. The angels never mention them. What's weird is that we hear about Hands of God in S11 that function much like the few Heavenly Weapons we saw in S6. So...what's your majestic opinion?

HAAAA! OH my gosh, I know you asked this forever ago... like around the beginning of s13 forever ago, and I didn’t have the brainpower to go into it at the time, and it’s just been buried under current messages to the point I haven’t even seen it in ages until I decided to randomly hit “pgdn” in my inbox until I found something interesting to reply to... >.>

Inbox management is not my strong suit...

We never even learned what weapons Balthazar actually had, aside from:

the chunk of Lot’s Salt that reduced Raphael’s vessel to salt

the Staff of Moses that he sawed up into bits

The sword he attempted to use to kill Atropos in 6.17 (and we don’t know the specific powers or uses for that sword, aside from the fact it could kill a Fate)

We only have a very short list of other Heavenly Weapons throughout the rest of the series, and most of them eventually ended up in Crowley’s hands through one means or another. Many of those were technically “Hands of God” that we learned about in s11 (such as the chunk of the Arc of the Covenant in 11.14, the Rod of Aaron from 11.15, and the Horn of Joshua from 11.18. The rod and horn could’ve potentially been traded by Balthazar after he fled Heaven, but we honestly don’t know how they all connect back up.

It could be that Balthazar was bluffing about just how many weapons he’d made off with, since he did team up with Cas and helped with a lot of the shady “soul engineering” Cas was up to with Crowley behind his back.

Cas was also very interested in 6.06 to get his hands on the “Horn of Gabriel,” even if it turned out to be something entirely different in that episode, we know Metatron eventually used it in s9 to call angels back to Heaven (or into traps designed to capture or kill Cas). 

It could be the Archangel Blade had at one time been part of that stash, but again, we don’t know where Asmodeus found it, either... 

So my “majestic opinion” is that we likely saw most of what Balthazar had stolen in s6, and that it was likely just enough to create the illusion that he was sitting on a hoard of potential power, just enough to ensure his own safety should other angels find him and try to drag him back to Heaven.

I think Balthazar and Gabriel were much of the same mind as far as how willing they were to flim-flam themselves out of tight spots. :P

[mittensmorgul]

Dear Mittens, I hope you have a good day! I love your blog (and your fanfic)!. I am just on another re-watch, at 11x15. It always breaks my heart to see a glimpse of young!Dean and what he missed (like waiting to get handed the glove from Gunner). And also: They really paralleled the crushed from Sam (Rio) and Dean (Gunner) so nicely there - how can anybody see Sam's as a crush and Dean's as just "fanboying"? IMHO, if anything, Sam's reaction was even more understated than Dean's. All the best!

Aw, gosh! First of all, thank you! I hope you have a good day, too. :)

And oh boy, yes. I remember the posts about this from when it aired originally. There was some monumentally strenuous mental contortions going around to explain why Sam’s crush on Rio was so very very different from Dean’s “fanboying” about Gunner Lawless.

Like, don’t hurt yourselves, folks, it’s not that hard to wrap your head around it. :P

*cue the scars comparison scene and adjacent stroll through the bar wherein Dean essentially ignored all the scantily clad women and went directly to Gunner’s side to carry out a private conversation that had absolutely zero to do with the case*

http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/139979330895/1115-sam-dean-and-parallels

http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/139956609320/obsessionisaperfume-deanfightswithmonsters

*oh and while we’re here, cue the exact parallel to dreamhunter in 13.10*

*not to mention the numerous other parallels that issue us engraved invitations to interpret so many of Dean’s interactions with Gunner as “flirtatious” at the very least*

http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/147650116630/f-ckyeahfutbol-are-we-gonna-talk-about-the

(and a visual accompaniment) http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/140115506040/marilynmay-11x11-11x15

http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/140183830225/spn-11x15-doing-the-right-thing

http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/140099958020/because-i-see-nobody-mentioning-it-i-thought-one

http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/139983357685/larinah-remember-when-patroclus-died-and

http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/139956456230/ksenianovak-5x08-11x15-reblogging-this

http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/139951080570/jenmisheel-gunner-was-literally-waiting-for

http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/139944629280/eliciaforever-lmao-winjennster-our-age-is

http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/140068289930/interested-by-ppl-comparing-bidean-evidence

and for some reason the long post with all sorts of screencaps and gifs demonstrating Dean’s walk through the bar where he witnessed various demonstrations of feminine seduction on offer and literally smiled politely and nodded and ignored them in favor of sitting with Gunner doesn’t seem to have made it into my episode tag… It’s probably buried somewhere in my bi dean tag, and heck if I have the mental fortitude to go spelunking two years back in that tag today… :P

[mittensmorgul]

Today’s jaunt through the TNT loop hit the part of s11 that points the car toward the finish line and revs the engine. 11.15-11.18  (and really 11.14 is where it starts, but I watched that one yesterday, so it feels weird to include it in a post specifically about what I’m watching today... stupid brain refusing to organize itself more practically) takes the themes of the season spelled out in the triptych of 11.11, 11.12, and 11.13 and begins driving them home with purpose.

Amara and the Darkness hang like a metaphorical raincloud of escalating depression over this run of episodes, contrasted with the light and power of the Hands of God “weapons” that equally elude their grasp. The larger metaphorical and thematic struggle of the season plays out offscreen for the most part, since these two opposing fundamental forces of the universe-- creation vs destruction, light vs darkness, order vs chaos (hello my old friends my s11 meta tags!)-- are where the main a-plot action of the season is happening. We see that cosmic struggle through the lens of what TFW are struggling with.

As above, so below. Gabriel once referred to that concept (in 5.08) to explain why Sam and Dean were the “perfect vessels” for Michael and Lucifer. It’s the same concept as “the river shall end at its source,” as Metatron once said. And it’s the essential narrative structure of the entire series as far as the individual character arcs are concerned. S11 is where this entire concept pivots around and shows us the pivot point-- Dean Winchester, the firewall between light and darkness. Chuck and Amara both literally pointed at him as their exemplar, and in 11.23 he (armed with the power of Humanity) became the vehicle that finally united them both. Such is the power of the duality of humanity the show (and Dean specifically) has been wrestling with for years (hello entire MoC arc summed up in the themes of 10.11).

I know I’ve written about Dean’s descent into depression over the Cas-Lucifer situation, and there are hundreds of posts on my blog in the tags for these episodes detailing all of this already. But I can’t help it. Dammit, s11 let me love you.

in 11.15, we find Dean already packed to head out to The Hangman’s funeral. He’s concerned for Cas, but that concern hasn’t hit DESPERATION levels yet. He’s still rational, still hasn’t really come to grips with what they can do about Cas yet beyond being positive that Cas WANTS to be saved. He’s still at loose ends over his own confession about how incapable he feels in Amara’s presence, but is still confident that Sam is handling that end of the research for now.

11.16 escalates his growing depression and frustration at any lack of progress despite the “win” he’d had in 11.15 and the reaffirmation of the whole “keep grinding” theme. What they believe will be an easy vengeful spirit case turns out to hit very close to home, bringing them back to the comparable feeling of frustrated desperation of the apocalypse era by literally existing in both times at once via the Soul Eater’s nest. It may not have been the easy win Sam had hoped it would be, but it was still a necessary diversion that allowed them to set their own pasts (via saving Bobby from the Soul Eater) to rights. A major theme of s12, as well-- rectifying their own past via Mary’s resurrection and personally coming to terms with their own legacy via the Men of Letters.

11.17 opens with Dean reaching a state of abject depression over their inability to gain any ground on either the hunt for Amara or a way to save Cas, and for the first time he drags his heels on taking on a case that Sam suggests could be a good distraction for them. Sam is clearly concerned for Dean, and despite Dean including Amara, Lucifer, and the Hands of God in the list of things they’re trying to handle, Sam narrows Dean’s reasons for wanting to hand this suspected case over to another hunt to one singular point:

Dean: All right, well, we make a call and we put somebody on it. Sam: Yeah, but... [He sighs, closes his laptop and looks at Dean]. We'll get him back. Dean: How? Sam: I... I don't know. But we'll figure it out. Meantime, we got to get out of here. Clear our heads. I mean, this is a case. Let's do what we do. Let's work it.

None of their other pressing concerns is weighing on Dean like Cas is. That one line is the foundation for the rest of the action in the entire episode. Poor dumb Corbin had no idea just how badly he underestimated Dean in forcing his hand by “killing” Sam, and selfishly using a rational mathematical argument to push Dean into walking away from his brother there. The underlying hesitation and depression Dean had been fighting through BECAUSE SAM HAD ASKED HIM TO HELP ON THIS CASE, because SAM had been trying to help get Dean out of his own head for a few days, essentially washed away when Corbin killed him.

When he finds Sam dead, Dean’s ready to give up everything. It had been SAM who’d kept him going, who’d given him a reason to “keep grinding.” Without Sam, Dean had lost hope for everything else.

It was Michelle who gave Dean a reason to keep fighting right there, and the walk through the woods to save her gave Dean enough time and space to reorganize his priorities. And it was Michelle again reminding him of Billie’s threat of the Empty that spurred him into desperate action yet again. It brought back the reminder that Dean was helpless to deal with Amara on his own, and that it was Sam that the fate of the entire universe was resting on.

And it was his chat with Billie there that finally taught him that the universe didn’t really care about fate... It gave him the push to begin fighting the depression and helplessness that was metaphorically the “thrall” Amara had over him.

11.18 is where Dean begins taking back the reins of his own fate. It’s also the first time he faces Amara and is able to ignore her completely, calling out for Cas instead. He’s begun to disconnect himself from the power she’s had over him since he took the Mark of Cain, because he chose something different. It’s also where we distinctly see the difference between Sam and Dean’s relationship with Cas, and the seeds are sown for expanding on that difference in s12.

Sam: I thought Lucifer had a shot. Apparently, uh, archangel plus God power doesn't trump God’s sister. Dean: But if the thing has to be used by God's chosen, then maybe an archangel who got the boot doesn't qualify. Either way, horn's out of ammo, so... Sam: So, back to square one. Dean: Yep. [Sighing.] Sam: Listen, um... I know I came down on the side of wanting Cas to deal with Amara, so... Dean: Well, that's what he wanted, though, right? Besides, didn't we say that we were gonna swear off getting in the way when one person makes a choice the other doesn't agree with? Sam: Yeah, um... Yeah, we did say that. Dean: So... Sam: Okay. So, that's our policy. Dean: Which sounds damn good. [Sam chuckles.] Well, let's go find that idiot and bring him home.

Yes, their policy is to honor the other’s choices, but Cas’s choice to say yes to Lucifer has played out. He thought Lucifer could defeat her, and Lucifer failed. Cas had been wrong, but that only reinforced Dean’s need to save him now. From what Crowley said about Cas being unreachable because of Lucifer’s control over him, Dean understood that Cas couldn’t just kick Lucifer out on his own, despite now having proof that Lucifer either lied about being able to defeat Amara or was just wrong about it. Cas’s “choice to say yes” hinged on that promise, and now that it was null and void, they could save Cas without wondering if it’s what he’d actually want.

It was heartbreaking for Dean to watch Amara zap Cas away, but it was actually the shot of hope he’d been needing-- the certainty that he needed to intervene in any way he could to rescue Cas.

Okay, I guess that’s enough jibberjabber about stuff I’ve already talked about ad nauseum. :P

[mittensmorgul]

I'm watching 11.15 right now and this comment from Dean to Sam "Will you please try not to ruin one of the nicest things dad ever did for us?" really stood out for me. I mean, obviously Dean has always put on a show of "Dad did his best/wasn't totally fucked up/THIS IS FINE" in regards to John and their childhood for Sam, but it's always been pretty clear to me that Sam never actually believed it. How much of that smoke and mirrors is for Dean himself?

Heck, I think at least a little bit of it is self-defense.

But Sam may never have bought all the “John is great” stuff, but I don’t think he ever understood the full extent of what John and Dean (initially under John’s orders) truly tried to keep from him.

I think 3.08 was really eye opening for Sam in this way. I mean, they’d given us some hints earlier on (with Max in 1.14, and Dean’s reaction to Sam’s comment that they were actually pretty lucky with John that they didn’t end up having a childhood like Max did; with everything from 1.18 that showed us just how different Dean’s childhood was from Sam’s... that it was essentially nonexistent), but SAM never got that full story out of Dean even then.

In 3.08, we start to really see the different layers of Dean’s performance for Sam, and Sam starts to get a small idea of this concept too, but it’s still something we the audience have a much clearer picture of, while Sam is still mostly in the dark. Dean’s “Dad’s great!” was just one level of the performance Dean had to construct to keep even the essential nature of their lives hidden from Sam. The superficial veneer laid atop a mountain of secrets and lies that kept Sam “protected” from the supernatural.

I wrote something the other day (and others have written tons on the subject too) about how John was both protective of Sam, but also terrified of him and what connection he may have to the “thing” that killed Mary. I think at first he may have even been terrified that Sam WAS the thing that killed Mary... so keeping Sam in the dark until he learned the entire truth for himself was as much for Sam’s protection as his own. It became a life strategy.

His last words to Dean were that he had to save Sam, and if he couldn’t, then he’d have to kill Sam... I mean, that says a lot toward John’s really mixed feelings about Sam and the lengths he tried to go to in his attempt to “save Sam” from the supernatural.

It’s not really until 9.07 that I think Sam really started to get an idea of just how much Dean sacrificed of himself as a buffer between him and John, and that Dean has always known full well that John wasn’t an ideal parent. But the story became the story, to quote Dean in 9.07, and it just became easier for Dean to believe in the make believe version he’d been forced to build up in his mind. 

But because of all that, the fact that deep down Dean really does know all the truth and horror that Sam had been sheltered from all those years, god how much harder does he truly cling to those very few memories of times he was actually ALLOWED to just be a kid, to just sit at a wrestling show and cheer for his favorite and not have to hide anything or make up a story or anything else. 

I think it’s been a while since Dean tried to delude himself with even the performance of “John was a good dad,” but his comment to Sam in 11.15 didn’t have anything to do with John. Sure, the pretext of going to the funeral was that it was “John’s favorite wrestler,” but the wrestling show itself, that was something Dean wanted to remember for himself. Like the memory of his first B&E sneaking out to watch Gunner Lawless on pay per view. It was more about one of those few small moments where Dean actually FELT like a proper kid, doing something just for fun, and then Sam made that snide comment about the dad drinking and essentially taking his kid to the show for purely selfish reasons (cheap beer, keep the kid distracted) rather than doing something FOR the kid because it was something the kid truly enjoyed...

I hope that makes sense, I’ve been completely distracted watching 1.09 while trying to type this up. :P