20. you’re in a car with a beautiful boy and you're trying not to tell him that you love him. Please!
Feeling unhinged over recent spec so here we are.
After the lightning, Eddie starts to notice things.
Well, no. If he’s honest, he’s always noticed, he just never let himself admit it. He would play games with himself to avoid acknowledging the obvious, like pretending that if his eyes tracked the flex of Buck’s back while he did pull-ups in the gym, he was just admiring Buck’s form. If he got a little breathless or his mouth went dry, it must have been because he was dehydrated or had been working out too hard himself.
If he tried to convince Buck to spend the night after they put Christopher to bed, well, clearly it was because Buck couldn’t possibly drive back to his own place after a 48-hour shift and a single beer consumed hours earlier.
Flimsy excuses, paper thin, but he made them. And for the things that he couldn’t make excuses for, he simply refused to think about them, shoved them so deep into a corner of his mind that he wouldn’t have to.
If I die, you become Christopher’s legal guardian.
Why are you just telling me now?
Because Evan…
(Not an answer).
After the lightning, he lets himself admit the truth. About everything.
Like the fact that he’s in love with Buck.
That he’s been in love with Buck for years—long enough that Ana never had a chance because his heart was thoroughly claimed well before they met.
That when he gets breathless and distracted by Buck’s bare skin, it’s because he wants to put his mouth on it. Or that when he can’t stop staring at Buck’s hands, it’s because he’s wondering what it would feel like if they touched him, how Buck’s fingers would fit into the spaces between his own or curled into his hair.
Or inside him.
After the lightning, Eddie knows that the reason he never wants Buck to go home is because as far as Eddie’s concerned, Buck belongs with him, with Christopher. As far as Eddie’s concerned, their home is Buck’s home.
And the reason it makes him feel like there’s a monster clawing at his insides whenever he thinks about the fact that Buck gave himself to virtual strangers in an attempt at making a family…
Well. That’s really his own fault, isn’t it? If he hadn’t taken so long, if he had just been honest sooner, he could have made Buck understand that he already has a family. A child. A life.
With them.
There’s one thing Eddie notices that is new though. The fact that, after the lightning? He’s not the only one looking.
Buck looks too. Catches him more often than not, so the two of them both know that something has shifted, that they’re somewhere new even if neither one of them is saying anything.
Eddie wants to. Say something. The words sit on the tip of his tongue, sharp and sweet, making him ache with the desire to let them fall.
He aches. He wants. He loves.
But he can’t tell Buck. Not yet.
Buck isn’t ready. Eddie can tell that he isn’t ready, that he’s so in his head and so afraid that Eddie could offer him everything in the world, anything…and he’s pretty sure Buck would run away. Because Buck will trust him to do anything except stay.
“Are you okay?” Eddie asks. They’re in the car, Buck driving Eddie home from Bobby and Athena’s. It’s been an eventful evening between Hen and Karen announcing that they’re taking in another foster child and Chim and Maddie getting engaged, and Eddie has been watching Buck since the moment he slipped outside when everyone else rushed the newly engaged couple.
Buck’s profile is in shadow as he focuses on the road ahead, and Eddie’s eyes track the movement of his throat as he swallows.
There’s enough of a pause that Eddie thinks Buck might not answer, but finally he says—
“I’m happy for her. I am. Chim is so good for her and she deserves the world. I guess I just can’t help wondering…”
He trails off and Eddie hears what he doesn’t say.
When is it my turn? When do I get that?
Eddie swallows hard. Bites his lip. His eyes drop to Buck’s hands where they’re wrapped around the steering wheel, solid and sure. A pang of longing stabs through his lungs, stealing his breath.
Whenever you want, he wants to say. You can have that whenever you want—just tell me and I’ll give it to you.
I love—
Eddie forces his mouth to stay closed until he’s managed to swallow back every dangerous declaration. And what he says instead is—
“Stay the night? We could make breakfast with Christopher in the morning.”
The quirk of Buck’s lips feels like a victory.
“Sure. Why not?” He looks away from the road for just a moment to catch Eddie’s eyes. “Your couch is going to kill my back one of these days though.”
So don’t sleep on the couch.
Eddie doesn’t say it. But he doesn’t say anything else either. And from the way Buck looks away quickly, his cheeks flushing lightly, Eddie thinks maybe they both hear it anyway.
Soon, he promises himself silently. Promises both of them. Soon.
Because after the lightning, it’s only a matter of time.
