I'm sorry to come ruin your day with my unending pessimism, but I'm just tired of being told I have to socialise more. I mean, I know socialising is good, and I do have friends --even a best friend I talk to every day and who wants to come go to university with me so as not to our friendship.
But I really do value my alone time, and want to spend most weekends just chilling at home, studying, reading, writing AND texting my best friend. I don't necessarily want to hang out, but my parents 100% think there's something wrong with me because I'm not away from home 'too often'. My mother has practically threatened me to hang out this weekend.
Only a year ago this wouldn't have bothered me too much, but my home situation is kinda shitty (my parents argue nonstop with my brother, there's screaming and shouting virtually every day...) and I think that's affecting my self-esteem and in turn making me think there is something wrong with me. When rationally I know I wouldn't like to hang out too often, primarily because going to discos, drinking alcohol, and being surrounded by 10+ people isn't exactly my cup of tea. Something that my parents say I should like is, in fact, very exhausting.
On top of that, I'm finishing high school this year, so I'm being hella busy with school, helping friends (because I'm a Straight-A™ student) university entrance exams... And I'm ready for it, but its just adding onto the 'there's-something-wrong-with-me-because-I'm-an-introvert'
Anyways, my home-fuelled lack of self-esteem is also making me think no one actually likes me, that if people are being nice to me it's because they have to and not because they mean it, that I'm not really my friends's friend (except my best friend)... And I already went through something similar three years ago (also because of home, but this had to do with my mother shouting and yelling at me, not my brother) and it was horrible. Like, crying-in-the-school's-bathroom-every-day horrible. And I really don't need that when I should be focusing on my studies because it's difficult to get into the university I want.
I'm sorry for leaving such a mess in your inbox :(
Hello,
Mess is good :)
I understand what you mean. It can be awful be pressured to socialize. Honestly, it’s awful when anyone tries to do something that is outside your comfort zone.
I really do think we should get out of our comfort zone and try new things and meet new people etc - but these are things you should do on your own terms. You have to do it when you want and how you want it.
I think you are in the right place. You seem to know who you are and what you like and what you want and what makes you comfortable. That’s a very good thing. Congratulations on that.
But when people are very sure of who they are, it makes other people uncomfortable. Cause we are not supposed to have this clarity so young. That’s why our parents push us around because they don’t think we have it all figured it out and they think we don’t know what’s best for us.
But you do. Don’t forget that.
The good news is that university is one of the best places to figure this shit out. You are kind of fall into a rhythm of meeting people and making friends - but at your own pace. Of course it comes with its own vulnerabilities, but that’s all part of it.
So, simply focus on what you are doing right now. On your studies. On your exams. On your admissions. You are doing a great job so far.
If you “have” to appease your mother, tell her that you are hoping to join clubs and societies when you join university and it will be easier for you to find like minded people. But tell her that right now you need to focus on getting into the university.
PS - if you are on tumblr (and reaching to me and part of the tsc fandom) then you are still socializing (but according to a way that makes sense to you. People make friends and create relationships in different ways. If this is one is yours, then don’t let people tell you you are doing it wrong.
Good luck and just continue being you 💚
