Male companions react to Sole accidentally attacking them in their sleep due to PTSD
AN: I can definitely do this, yes. Of course. But considering PTSD is not restricted purely to a warzone - and because several of the events going on in FO4 could potentially cause ptsd - I feel this could work for a F!Sole too so I made this one for both genders. Hope that’s okay. This took... a long time to make because I wanted to do it justice to whichever way I could. Hope I did. To anyone suffering from PTSD; your demons do not define you and they won’t break you. You’re stronger than they are. You lived through them once, you can do so again until they realise they’re fighting a losing battle.
(Still working on the one for the girls.)
Intro: Screaming and yelling jolted him awake. He instinctively reached for the firearm next to him when he noticed Sole was the one bringing the noise, as well as twisting and turning. As they touched Sole’s arm, they got punched in the face and as Sole jolted awake they sprung on on top of him, hands on his throat. “YOU WON’T TAKE ME DOWN! GO AWAY!”
Synth!Codsworth
“Mum/Sir... ” Codsworth’s exhasparated voice was enough to snap them back to reality from a confused, dazed state. Sole backed away, looking at their hands in shock.
Codsworth knew this. Had seen what to do. “Keep calm, look around the room, describe what you see.”
“ I see... a chair and a metal wall and I... I’m so sorry... I didn’t want to...” Sole leaned against the wall and let themself slid down it. “The dreams get... really bad sometimes.” Codsworth rubbed over his throat, he still had to get used to being quite so physically vulnerable.
Codworth whispered. “ It’s okay... it’s okay. I’m okay.”
Sole shook their head “ I’m not. Clearly. Damnit how hard can it be to forget something you don’t want to remember?”
“ Mum/Sir, I am fully aware of the horrible things that happened. Please... remember that you are not alone. I... do not understand how it feels but I will never judge you.”
Tears were running down Sole’s face. It broke his heart to see them in this state.
“ I am facing this alone though. I don’t want to burden anyone with what I”ve seen... heard... But I didn’t imagine I would be a danger to you. What if I hadn’t woken up so easily, huh?”
Codsworth came closer, eyes set on sole and grabbing their hand. “I am not hurt. No hard feelings.” Sole shook their head; “ Do you have any idea what it’s like trying to avoid any possible triggers, and even when you manage having to deal with that you may wake up with your hands on your friend’s throat? I feel like I’m going insane sometimes.”
“ I cannot say I can imagine such a dreadful thing but I certainly never considered you to be ‘insane’. Could a doctor help? Perhaps someone can give you some sort of medicine to counter these negative feelings? However this remains your choice of course...“
“ Except these aren’t just negative feelings; they’re flashbacks and stress and feeling like I can’t breathe all over again.“
“ Medicine is still a marvel. And surely, you cannot be the only one. Or speaking with likeminded souls might help. I cannot and will not force your hand but... whatever you do I will gladly listen. And I am certain others will do, perhaps people who do understand what it feels like.”
Danse
Danse was physically strong enough to just throw Sole on their back again and grabbed their wrists. “ Soldier, whatever you think is happening it is not real. I repeat this is not real. I am no threat!” Sole had a look of terror on their face, making Danse realize that Sole had snapped out of it relatively fast. He immediately backed off. Last thing he wanted to do was traumatise them by touching them and making them feel trapped.
Sole kept laying on the floor. “ I couldn’t... It all just came back to me.“
“ Slow breaths, easy. “ Sole started breathing more deeply and slowly. “What did?”
“ Everything.”
“ Do you want to talk about it, soldier? ?”
“ No. I don’t want to relive it again. Please don’t ... ask me to.”
“ You have witnessed, lived even, a fair share of horrors, have seen the wreckage of society. Are you certain you do not have PTSD? It is a...”
“ I know what it is, Danse. And I am fairly sure that I have it, yes.”
“ It is of vital importance you tell me any triggers you have noticed, so I can perhaps help safeguard you from them.”
“ You couldn’t if you tried. Not in this kind of world. And again, please don’t ask, Danse. “ Danse pulled Sole to their feet and held on to them, it had worked with Haylen, perhaps it worked with them. Temporarily.
“ Perhaps you ought to stay away from battle for a while, avoid being faced with... “ Sole shook their head.
“ I can’t just... turn away from people who need me.” Danse put his finger under their chin and tilted Sole’s head so they were looking straight at him.
“ I recruited you. I know you want to help and you did. I owe you one. The Brotherhood and the commonwealth as a whole do. I am but one of the many people who owe you their lives. Their future. You are one of the strongest people i know, you can beat this demon. But perhaps now you need to look after yourself first. At least allow me to anticipate your triggers. You are not the first soldier to have this kind of trauma, some Brothers and Sisters have found ways to lessen the symptoms through medicine, support groups,... You are not alone. Soldier... Sole... You don’t need to battle this alone.”
Deacon
“ S... Sole... I... need... air...” They let go instantly, backing away from Deacon fast. Deacon stated coughing.
“ Damn Sole, I mean I’m not gonna judge if you’re into that kinda thing but you should at least give me fair warning.” He was rubbing with his hand over his throat when he noticed the look of sheer horror on Sole’s face.
“ I’m... I’m so sorry Deacon I...”
“ Okay, well, calm down. Sit down. Take a breath. So what’s going on?”
“ I have been battling with PTSD and... sometimes at night... I relive some of my worst memories. It comes back in flashes.” Deacon took a deep breath and put his arm over their shoulder. “ Hey, we’re still good. Happy you’re not a synth with a killswitch. I mean, you hear those campfire horror stories...” he winked at Sole but they were still frozen in place. Deacon got a bit closer to them. “ Hey... but seriously though you should talk to some people at the railroad, we can probably help you with that somehow. “
“ I don’t want people to think I can’t do this. I can’t just sit idly by because I can’t take it. It... would make matters worse. Or what if they kick me out?”
Deacon chuckled; “They won’t kick you out. You’re a goddamn revelation, we’ve never been so efficient before. Besides, Des may seem a liiittle bit too focused on ‘the cause’ but deep down she cares. Pinky swear. “ Deacon paused for a second before scraping his throat and continuing. “And hey, if you lose their favour...” Sole flinched at the thought. Deacon scooted a little closer and made eye contact. “Well, if you lose them, you’ve always got me.”
“ You would stay if the Railroad kicked me out? Seriously?”
“ What can I say, I’ve gotten used to following you around like an sarcastic puppy. Once a murder bunny, always a murder bunny. You’re stuck with me now. I ain’t going anywhere. But eh... any idea what I can do to help? Now or if this happens again?”
Nick grabbed Sole’s wrists and pushed them back. “HEY! CUT IT OUT WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU!” Sole shook their head and scrambled backwards until they hit a wall.
“ Those dreams they’re... They just won’t stop. I thought they were gone but...”
Nick instantly realised he had handled this all wrong. He had seen this before, when you’re a detective a lot of people come your way. Some good, some bad, some ugly, but all with a story to tell and some stories come with trauma. He shouldn’t have yelled.
“ Do you want to talk about it?”
“ Not... right now. It’s too... fresh.” Sole shuddered and still took short, ragged breaths.
“ Okay, just keep breathing all right? Inhale and exhale deeply. Look around. You’re not there anymore wherever there is. It was not real.” Nick avoided sudden movements and sat down slowly, at eye-height with Sole. “Whenever you do want to talk about it... I’m a pretty good listener if I say so myself. Any idea what triggered it?”
“ You know what this is too then?”
“ Yeah. Seen a lot of things in the years you were... not with me yet.”
“ Probably the fatigued. I’m not sure. I thought if I avoided... certain things. Perhaps...”
“ Yeah, not entirely how that works kid. Whenever you’re ready... please tell me what you know can trigger this and what you know does or does not help? I’m here to help you. Ain’t going anywhere. “
“ How am I ever going to function with this... crap. It’s not going away is it?”
“ Says who, huh? If anyone can beat this it’s you. You’ve managed to save half the goddamn commonwealth, you can save yourself too. And if you don’t I sure as hell intend to. “
“ How do you suggest I do that?” Sole was calmer but had their hands in their hair.
“ You do better today than you did yesterday. You make plans for the future because you have one, those things in your past are stuck there. And we discuss a game plan. We figure out what helps. Whenever you’re ready.”
Sole nodded slowly. “Thanks for ... just thank you.”
“ Hey just remember I’ve got your back. “
Hancock
Hancock startled and grabbed Sole’s wrists. “What... the... hell...” He managed to get Sole’s hands off of him and pushed them away. Sole had snapped out of it and stared at their hands, breathing rapidly. “ If you wanted to get my attention there are better ways.” Hancock approached them and wanted to touch their shoulder. Sole just flinched and backed up against a wall. “ Ok, got it, no touching. Deeeep breaths. In and out. There you go.”
Sole looked up a him, calmed down a little.
“ Care to tell me what that was about?”
Sole shook their head.
“ Okay, that’s fine. “
“ I should though. I attacked you, you deserve an explanation.”
“ And you deserve better than a man with rotting flesh as a companion but here I am.”
“ That’s not true. You’re the best damn thing that could’ve happened to me. Let’s just say I’ve seen some tragic things. They left a mark. I’m damaged goods Hancock. “
“ Nah, you’re not. You’re more than goods and just a little cracked, nothing you can’t mend with time. Besides, tragically wounded and damaged by demons they can’t escape. That sounds a lot like me. And you’ve been my friend through aaall of the bullshit. “
“ You’ve never attacked me.”
“ You’ve made me feel alive. And hey, not the first time I’ve gotten hands on my throat in a bed. Just prefer that to happen under different circumstances. Ya know, buy me a drink first, set the mood a little, get some candles... less vicious.”
Sole smiled a little. A weak smile, supressed by the shivers down their spine.
“ You’re trying to distract me.”
“ And doing a terrible job of it if ya noticed. Look... you once told me ‘all that matters is what you do from here on out’. All I know is that if I hadn’t taken up with you I’d probably be in a gutter somewhere, getting gnawed on by Radroaches. I’m not gonna let you deal with this alone because you’ve got some demons of your own. You helped me kill mine, let me help kill yours.”
“ Yours were killable.”
“ So are yours. You can take down anything. And we’re gonna figure out how to deal with this. Speak to some medics, talk to some people. I’m a major ya know. I know plenty of people in high and low places. Well, mainly low places but ya catch my drift.” Sole looked up at him. “ You’re not... gonna cut your losses?”
“ Are you kidding me? Hell no. you know me; Of the people, for the people! But between you and me... a little bit more for you than for ‘the people’.”
MacCready
MacCready instinctively gerabbed the inside’s of Sole’s elbows and bent them inwards so they lost their grip on him and fell on top of him instead. Taking a deep breath he pushed them off of him and got back, gun at the ready but not aimed at them. “I’m on your side! What the hell are you doing?”
He then noticed how confused and tormented Sole looked, nothing like usual. Not at all in control, not calm or collected but panicking and hyperventilating. He looked for the plastic bag he’d been carrying along and told them to breathe into it, as deeply as they could. Sole’s ragged breaths became calmer, longer. But their firsts were still clenched, fingernails digging into their skin. He reached for their hand but they pulled it back. “Okay, calm down. Can I touch your hands? I promise I won’t hurt you. “ He put away his gun. Sole allowed him to grab their hands. “Squeeze into those if you have to Don’t do that. ..What was that?” Sole shook their head.
“ I don’t want to say.”
“ Well, I don’t know how to help you help me tell you something that wuold help you if I don’t know it. Okay, that may have been a bit much but you understand what I’m getting at right?”
Sole loked down. “That was...a memory. One I wanted to forget.”
MacCready’s eyes got softer and he sat down next to Sole.Still keeping his distance. He scraped his throat. “Do you know your triggers?”
“ Some. Obviously not all of them.” There were tears streaming down Sole’s face now but they stil looked angry.
“ Do you always fight them... physically?”
“ The anger is better than what comes after to me. But... I usually work it out differently. Punch an inanimate object, I don’t know. Not... not someone I care about anyway.”
“ Hm. You could... get treatment for that. Or maybe talk to someone who had it. Or had it... like me.”
Sole’s eyes found his. MacCready inhaled deeply before answering her inquisitive look. “I... I was in a pretty bad place after I essentially saw Lucy get murdered. May have been part of what drove me to the gunners, aside from the caps. Anger was better than panic. “
“ How did you beat it?”
“ I’m not sure I did. Entirely. But I... spoke to people. I asked for help. Because I was worried about Duncan. I was worried he would get scared of me, ya know? I found out what helps. Creating routines, minimise stress, make plans of the future. All easier said than done in the Commonwealth. I learned that there is no one way that helps everyone for sure... that kind of thing. i found out what chased it away and confronted myself with my triggers. But that doesn’t work as well for everyone. And it wasn’t pretty.“
“ So... if I hypothetically would ask you for help... what would you advise me to do?”
“ You talk to someone you trust. Get whatever you need to get off your chest off your chest. Repeatedly. Talking about what you know helps you overcome a panic attack would be great too, so I know what to do.”
“ You’re not gonna run? I mean this is not what you bargained for when you took the job.”
“ Oh please, like this is still a job. Did you run when you realised you hired a merc with a lot of enemies and a kid to look after? Nah, I’m in this for the long haul. No matter how bad things get. No matter how much effort this takes. “
Maxson didn’t have too much trouble getting Sole to let go of him, pinning them to the wall with his arm on their neck ‘SENTINEL!” As soon as Maxson noticed Sole was not angrily fighting back but had frozen in place instead he let go. As soon as they did Sole started breathing more raggedly.
“ I suggest you explain instantly why you did such a thing. You have five seconds.” No words came out. Sole just stared at him and seemed to run out of breath somehow. Maxson figured that that was not normal anymore... and that if they’d been a synth in Sole’s place they would not have such a thing happening. Maxson walked closer to them. “Sentinel?” His anger turned into concern. Like it or not Sole had grown on him. Maxson sat across them. “Concentrate on your breathing, calm down. Listen to my voice. Breathe in. Breathe out. Shh...” He instinctively reached for their arm but when they flinched he decided not to proceed with that action.
“ What caused this? Are you ill?”
“ I don’t... I do but I don’t know what triggered it.”
“ ... If something is wrong, if you need help of some sort, I need to know. We have medics. What is it?”
“ From who I have consulted... Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.” A look of recognition flashed across Maxson’s face.
“ We can help with that.” Sole shook their head.
“ No I gotta... I gotta just deal with it and move on. Pretend you don’t know this.”
“ Sentinel I cannot do that. PTSD is serious, I will not allow you to ‘handle’ this on your own. We have resources. People. Let the Brotherhood help you.”
Sole seemed hesitant. “No. I can’t do that, I’m the Sentinel. If they realize I can be beaten down by just looking at certain things, remembering certain things...”
“ Nobody blames you for trauma due to saving humanity. After all that has happened to you... they ought to respect you for accomplishing such great feats in spite of it.”
Sole shook their head. “Not everyone will. You know this. They’ll try to strip me of my rank. “
“ Fine. Then let me help.”
“ Don’t you have better things to do? I’m just... I’m fine.”
“ Do you trust me? Is there someone you trust to talk to?”
“ Well... you know now. “
“ Will you allow me to listen? Seek aid for you without mentioning your name?”
Sole opened and closed their mouth again. They nodded. “Why would you though?”
“ Because... I care. I’ll find first thing in the morning.”
“ Maxson...” Sole realised how unusual it was for the Elder to concern himself with such things. Such a trivial thing considering all of his responsibilities.
“Hm?” He seemed lost in thought already, paining himself to remember something. Perhaps what he remembered of PTSD.
Sole looked down. “ Thanks.”
Maxson reached for their shoulder. More slowly this time. Sole allowed him to put his hand on to it. “ Don’t mention it. And Sentinel... this does not mean you are weak. It means you are brave. You are fighting. You will win.”
Preston
“ Ge... neral. Stop. Pl... please. Sole” He put his hands on their wrist and saw them shake their head before backing away.
“ What just... but I was... where am I? What was... “ Sole sat down and grabbed her own legs, curling up into a ball. “It’s not real. It’s wasn’t real.”
Preston sat down in front of them. Sole was having a panic attack. He knew that much. He just didn’t know why.
“ You’re safe. You’re here. What was that? Did you have a bad dream?”
“ Sure... let’s say it’s that.”
Preston got closer to Sole. “ With all do respect general, you are a terrible liar.”
“ I’m not.”
“ Can I help?”
“ Yeah. Tell me what room we’re in. Describe it to me.”
He described the room. and Sole followed his gaze. Making sure they weren’t imagining anything anymore.
“ Anything else I can do?”
“ Not tell anyone.”
“ All right... if you’ll speak to me about it at least. “
Preston felt worried. How had he not noticed this before... all those dangerous situations. How did they... Probably the same way he did. Brave face. People are counting on you.
“ Okay. But not... not right now all right?”
“ Yeah, whenever you’re ready General. “
Sole hesitated. Preston looked at them and put an arm around their shoulder. Good thing they had calmed down enough. This attack wasn’t at all that bad compared to...
“You... need a hug?”
They shook their head.
“Hey, what’s up? Talk to me.”
“ PTSD, all right? Might not even be the only one in this room who has it. Based on what you told me. So I’m not about to burden you with my problems too.”
" Oh... but...”
“ PTSD comes in different forms. You talked to me about your depression, anxiety... you just have it more under controle than me.“
“ Staying close to people I love helps me. Remind me why I keep going.”
““I appreciate it but... perhaps just leave me be for a second.” Preston nodded and walked towards he door, ready to stand guard. When he reached ithe heard Sole’s voice once more.
“ On second thought... I... could use a hug. And... maybe someone to listen. If you don’t mind.”
Preston turned around again. “I’ll listen for as long as you let me.Take all the time you need.”
“ On one condition. You need to also talk to me, okay? Please? “
“ Okay. We’ve got each other’s backs. I can work with that.”
X6-88
X6 managed to grab her wrists before her hands could even touch his neck.
“ Is this some kind of human way to indicate you disagree with my demeanor ma’am/sir? Certainly there are better ways to handle the way I serve and protect you and the Institute. I am, after all, your ally.”
“ Let me go X6.”
“ I’m afraid I cannot do that before I know what caused this... action of yours. Lest you should attempt such a thing once more.”
“ Sometimes I remember... certain things and get... panic attacks. So before you lecture me about how fear is irrational and therefore undesirable for a leader let go of me.”
As usual Sole couldn’t read his reaction to the news due to those damn sunglasses, but he did let go of them. Sole rubbed their wrists, closed their eyes and tried some breathing exercises before punching a wall.
“ Can I be of help?”
“ I wouldn’t know how... so go ahead. Tell me I’m not fit to lead with such a debilitating disorder or whatever it is that is truly on your mind. “
“ Do these attacks occur often?”
“ They occur less since you’re by my side but yeah they do. It’s got a name I’m told. PTSD; post-traumatic stress disorder. “
“ Strange name, as the trauma seems to be unresolved. “
“ In a way. Regardless... go ahead. I noticed how excited you seemed about me when you were told to guard me in the first place. If anything this surely solidifies your doubts of me. Bet you’re gonna go run off to the board to tell em what happened.”
“ Such faith you have in me. I have to admit I once was... concerned by your seemingly underprepared way of reacting to everything. I didn’t think you could handle this life and the job you were given... but I should not have doubted you. You’re as tough and determined as anyone I’ve met. I look up to you. You could accomplish anything you set your mind to. This also means you could defeat whatever has been haunting you mentally. Though if I may suggest it, you may want to speak to the medics at the institute. They may be able to offer some advice on this.”
“ It’s not that easy, especially when you don’t know who to trust. And medics... sure. As if they’ll descreetly handle the information. I haven’t grown on them yet, I believe.”
“ You have on me. They are duty-bound to respect your wishes, including those of not divulging information to the wrong people. Such a thing would be treason. In the meantime... Do not leave my sight. Understand?”
Sole faked a smile. “Distrust after all?”
“ No. I intend to help you battle this in whichever way I can. Including protecting you from prying eyes when necessary and even more so helping you get out of situations you do not want to be in.”
Edit: find Porter Gage here
