This is a one-shot I wrote for my lovely friend, Susan @jongtaeluv for her bday but also for everything she has done for me since we’ve known each other.
Summary : Taemin felt his face get warm. Even if he had wanted to look away, he just couldn’t. Of all the things he thought he would find again when he came back, Jonghyun was definitely not of one of them.
Pairing : Jongtae
Genre : Slice of Life, Fluff but you know me so it’s also kind of angsty asdahsdhaahsdhasd
Word count : 2600 ~
Links : AFF & AO3 (I know it’s easier to read on these platforms and also, I think people might get some comfort from this? hopefully? ajdjasdjasjdasjdjsajdsaj)
Enjoooooy, love you Susan ❤️❤️❤️
Taemin thought it would’ve been easier. After all, he was coming back home. But as the car turned the corner onto the street where he had been living, it all felt wrong. It felt absurd.
He recognized his surroundings oh-so-well – the coffee shop he would stop at to grab an iced coffee on early mornings when he could barely put two thoughts together, clothing stores he had never stepped a foot in due to the gracious clothes donations he received monthly, and the different businesses that he couldn’t for the life of him explain the purpose of.
Up until now, he had been lost in thoughts of the things he wanted to do as soon as he got home, which, simply put, could be reduced to cuddling with Kkoong on his bed as he fell into a deep slumber.
But now that he was actually a few meters away, a shot of panic shocked his system into immobility. He couldn’t quite explain this sudden fear. After all, it had only been a few months since he had left to play military comrade. But if he were honest with himself, it had felt like years.
Years of trying to adapt to this new environment, to new people, to a new routine. His hope had been that it would become easier and easier each passing day, but that hope had been naïve.
In reality, the way he’d feel or react on the day would never be the same and it had definitely taken a lot out of him to manage his fluctuating moods. Not only did he have to do so not to get into trouble, but he also had an image to preserve.
Despite being stripped of all the artifices that his artist life permitted, he still couldn’t shake his celebrity status. Even with the formal uniform and the buzz cut he still hadn’t gotten used to, he would never just be another one of them.
So it should’ve felt like a relief to not have to act anymore, to just be. But again, his hopes never quite matched reality.
The car stopped.
"We’re here," the driver announced.
Taemin blinked at him as if he hadn’t registered a word he had just said.
The older man immediately became concerned.
"What’s going on?" he asked, worried.
The brunette tried to snap out of it and act normal, but he couldn’t. His limbs simultaneously felt like they weighed a ton and were also about to liquify. He just couldn’t move.
"Okay," his manager and trusted friend uttered as they locked eyes through the rear-view mirror. "We’ll wait it out," he settled, conveying through those simple words that he understood.
Taemin felt a little relieved that some things hadn’t changed. Euisoo always understood.
He didn’t quite know what would help, but he instinctively looked out of the window to distract himself. A gray day had met him upon his release and the remnants of the earlier rain now manifested into wide puddles that hadn’t yet been absorbed by the concrete. Taemin’s gaze fell into one of them as his mind brought back a piece of information that made his heart flutter.
He must be happy right now.
A taste of guilt followed, making him grimace. He had admittedly not given any thought to other human beings so far, because he knew how much anxiety that would bring up. It’s not that he didn’t want to see anyone, ever, but right now, he just didn’t feel ready. He just didn’t feel like himself. Or maybe he did, but had just forgotten how to not be ashamed of it like before. There was definitely a pernicious effect to being pulled out of one’s comfort zone and suddenly being thrown into the unknown. It felt like everything needed to be learned again and every part of oneself was being put the test, shaken to its core to see if it could withstand distress.
So far, the dam hadn’t broken. He was still whole, but everything around him just didn’t feel the same. And that was what scared him. Feeling at odds with what had been a carefully and slowly crafted area of comfort. If he lost that bit of paradise, that nest of security… He closed his eyes, heart heavy. Better to not think about it.
He didn’t know how much time had passed, but he figured he had stalled long enough. He couldn’t spend the whole day in the car, his body wouldn’t forgive him for it. The onset of fatigue was slowly rooting itself throughout his body, making him drowsy. He had to move now.
"Okay, I’m ready," he said in a small voice.
Euisoo nodded and a second later, the clicking sound of the doors being unlocked reverberated inside the car.
"Do you want me to go up with you or…?" he asked.
Taemin shook his head. "I’ll be fine, thank you."
He gave him what he hoped came across as a genuine smile before adorning a face mask and exiting the car with the duffle bag that held his belongings. As soon as the chill and damp mid-morning air hit his face, he pulled the hood of his black sweatshirt over his short hair, shielding himself from a potential cold.
He gave a last look to the door he had just closed and to Euisoo, and finally started walking towards the apartment complex where a probably eager kitten was waiting for him. If anything had helped him pulled through the toughest days, it was definitely the thought of his favorite lady. She had been a saving grace ever since he had gotten her and it had torn him apart to let her go so abruptly. He was forever grateful to Gwonho for taking her in, but he was happy to have her back, even if just for a few days.
That renewed motivation had him walking a bit faster, entering the code to unlock the front door. He stepped into the elevator a few seconds later and pressed the button that would bring him to his destination. He unconsciously rocked back and forth on his heels, staving off an overwhelming surge of nervousness.
The elevator finally dinged open and he rushed out, almost counting the steps that separated him now from his front door. He pushed a hand into his black sweatpants’ pocket to get his keys out as he peered at it, finally ready to settle back into his world.
He took a deep breath in as the key went into the lock and turned. His hand went for the knob, his wrist flicked and he pushed, effectively breaking the barrier he had been so scared to cross. His chest caved in as he exhaled, his shoulders coming down as he relaxed.
He only managed to walk in, discard his mask and close the door behind him before he found himself sliding down to the ground, every bit of tension dissolving as his body recognized that he was safe.
It all felt so surreal, but reality came crashing in as the familiar sound of soft pads hitting the wooden floor reached his ears. A few seconds later, Kkoong came into sight, rushing towards him as fast as she could. He held his arms out, a soft smile lighting up his face as she took her rightful place against him, curling up into his lap.
It then clicked. Nothing had changed.
Well, almost. Taemin did notice that his baby had grown significantly since he had left, her body feeling heavier than it had before. He was sad he had missed some of her milestones, but he tried not to linger too much on it, focusing on the purrs his mindless caresses over her gray and white back generated.
"Did you miss me, Kkoongie?" he asked in a baby voice as he lifted her up to his eye level.
She answered with the cutest meow possible, effectively prompting an attack of kisses from him all over her small face. He knew how annoying those overwhelming shows of affection were for her, but he would never stop. He loved her too much.
"Yah!" a suddenly yell came from across the room. "What about me?"
Taemin almost dropped Kkoong as he jumped out of his skin, scared shitless by the sudden intrusion. His eyes darted to where the voice came from, shocked to discover he hadn’t been alone. But beyond that, shocked to see who had been there all along.
"Jjong?" he exclaimed as his eyes widened in disbelief.
The blonde man’s lips stretched into a cunning smile.
"I knew you’d be surprised, but this is even better," he said as he got up from the dark gray colored couch he had patiently been sitting on. "You look like you’ve just seen a ghost," he went on teasingly.
Taemin just stared at him the same as he got closer, wondering if his mind was playing tricks on him. Jonghyun wasn’t supposed to be here.
"How did you get here?" he couldn’t help but ask as he watched the other sit right before him, crossing his legs comfortably.
The older one clicked his tongue, annoyed. "Is this really how you are going to greet me?"
The younger one’s sudden guilt effectively mitigated some of the stupor he was stuck in.
"Ah, um, no, I’m sorry," he struggled to say as confusion still pulled him in.
Jonghyun laughed one of his pretty laughs, granting him an intent look from the other.
"You don’t need to apologize, I know you don’t do well with surprises, but I couldn’t tell you in advance," he explained before offering an apology of his own. "So forgive me."
"No, no, it’s okay, I’m-I’m happy to see you," the younger one sputtered despite himself.
Jonghyun laughed again, "Always so awkward, I see," he bantered. "Glad to see some things will never change."
Taemin felt his face get warm. Even if he had wanted to look away, he just couldn’t. Of all the things he thought he would find again when he came back, Jonghyun was definitely not of one of them.
Maybe I’m dreaming.
But that theory fell flat as the other one reached a hand up to his face and softly caressed his cheek. Taemin’s eyelids fluttered upon the touch, an onslaught of feelings bubbling up all at once inside his chest and stomach.
He had missed this and probably more than he had realized as he felt his throat suddenly tighten. He was grateful when Jonghyun pulled back at that moment, giving him some space to gather himself.
"Kkoongie is very cute," Jonghyun said, effectively reminding the other he had been here for a while now.
Taemin looked down at her, watching how she had been peacefully nesting between his legs.
"Yes, she is," he proudly acknowledged as he patted her back. "I mean, she can be a handful as well, but it’s part of her charm," he added with a fond smile.
"Hm, I wonder who that reminds me of…" Jonghyun taunted before laughing again.
Normally, Taemin would’ve glared at him for that, but right now, all he could do was smile at the one facing him. It was just like before.
"You shouldn’t stay on the ground," the blonde suddenly indicated in concern as he also patted the irresistible kitten. "I know you had a long car ride, you should rest."
Taemin knew he was right. The aches and pains in his body were making themselves known to him again, but he also didn’t want him to leave just yet.
"I’ve had a long trip, too, so I should probably rest as well," Jonghyun shared as if he had been listening in on his thoughts.
"Oh…" Taemin uttered as his heart skipped a beat. "We should rest then."
Jonghyun nodded and they both got up, Taemin still holding Kkoong against him. He led the way to his bedroom, feeling jittery despite the state of exhaustion his body was in. He truly didn’t know if he would be able to rest in this condition.
But Jonghyun seemed to know, because the next thing he did was wrap his arms around his waist, hugging him tightly from behind.
"I don’t want you to feel weird about this, Tae," he whispered against his ear, effectively sending a shiver down the younger one’s spine. "We’ve slept in the same bed so many times before, remember?"
Of course, I do.
Taemin gulped down a lump of anxiety before nodding.
"I know, it’s just…"
"I’m not leaving," the blonde interjected, squeezing him tighter.
Taemin’s heart raced.
"What do you mean? "
"I’m going to stay until you have to go back to the base."
The younger one’s mouth fell open in disbelief.
"R-really?"
Jonghyun nodded against his shoulder, "Yes."
Taemin relaxed against him at that, letting out a sigh of relief.
"So let’s just sleep for now, okay?" the older one encouraged.
"Okay," Taemin agreed.
As soon as he was freed from the other’s warm embrace, he put Kkoong down on the bed before settling on his side of the bed.
Jonghyun naturally followed suit, bringing them close again.
Taemin didn’t know what to do, except watch as his baby chose to curl up close to the other this time. He was amazed at how quickly she had gotten accustomed to him, but immediately remembered how Jonghyun’s charm could win anyone or any pet over.
"Aigoo, what a cute lady," the older one cooed as he made heart eyes at her and kissed her on the nose.
Taemin frowned. He couldn’t believe this.
"Well," he punctuated to get attention. "I’ll let you two get all lovey-dovey, I need to sleep," he voiced in a tone that came out sharper than intended.
He tried to turn his back to them, but Jonghyun stopped him. The grin the latter was sporting only managed to frustrate him even more.
"Are you jealous, bubby?"
And just like that, the frustration melted to leave him flustered.
"Shut up," he said, trying to shut him down, to little avail.
Jonghyun chuckled.
"Amazing," he simply replied, not making the other privy to the full extent of his thought. "Come here," he then said as he patted the empty space between them.
Taemin could’ve easily kept resisting, but there was no place for that now. He did as he was told, curling up closer to Jonghyun, just like Kkoong. They were as close as possible, the only thing separating them being the fur ball now trapped between the warmth emanating from both of them, purring in bliss.
"She is so spoiled," Jonghyun noted as he smiled down at her.
Taemin laughed, "I know, I’m a bad parent."
"No," Jonghyun countered as he looked at him again. "I think she’s lucky to be so loved."
The brunette’s heart acted up again, rendering him silent.
"I missed you, you know?" the older one suddenly said as his eyes travelled over his tired features.
"I missed you, too," Taemin quickly echoed before his voice could fail him.
A veil of sadness passed over Jonghyun’s face, but it quickly vanished as he smiled again.
"I love you, you know that?"
Taemin nodded, heart heavy.
"I love you, too."
Jonghyun carefully pulled him against his chest, trying not to crush Kkoong in the process.
"Sleep now, Taebear," he softly said, his warm breath tickling the top of his head. "You’re home now," he reminded.
That acted like a spell on the younger one who immediately found his eyes closing on their own.
Yes, he thought as he held on to Jonghyun, bunching the soft fabric of his shirt in his hands.
Hello! Once you get this you have to answer with 5 things you like about yourself, publicly, then send this on to 10 of your favorite followers (non-negotiable, positivity is super cool!) :D Now, go brag about yourself bc you're amazing!
well shit then1, I like my height, not really short but not that tall either2, I like my skin, I would say golden and pretty clear3, I like my sense of humor, it’s dirtyminded asf4, I like my body, wouldn’t change much5, I like my personality, i’m very patient, kind and pretty hard to annoy. I would also say i’m a happy person most of the time. And that’s it;))) thank u sweetie🥀🥀
I'm VERY high & in my shinee feels so. Do you also think that onew & taem debuting & going through what they have has left them both highly insecure & in need of external validation? I'm a DCM shawol so maybe I'm projecting personal stuff on low knowledge but watching tae's solo vlives feels a lot like a very lonely soul seeking validation. I'm hoping military will help heal his "must always be present or performing" mentality. Meanwhile jinks feels like he's very brave & powering on through anxiety but also used to making himself small, even when he's feeling well. Like branching outside his comfort zone is threatening in a way. He's been challenging himself these last few months but methinks he's gone through lots of untreated trauma as a young leader & overly-soft heart. Again I'm pretty new & definitely not sober rn so i could be projecting real hard but you seem like a really chill & thoughtful person so i feel safe asking for your opinion
asjahdhshadhsdah I really love that you came into my ask box in your elevated state XD
I had made a few months ago an extensive post about my views on Taemin and his issues so check that out too if you want (only my observations and opinions again, I don't know him!!!).
I don't think it's only debuting that left them insecure or in need of validation. I think the more fragile parts of anyone will only be heightened in such a context and that debuting so young did put a magnifying glass on things they might've already been prone to struggle with. But again, they debuted so young, that they basically were building their identity and self in the spotlight, so it's probably a mix of both.
I think when we formulate such opinions we are always projecting to some degree because we only see what's made public and so we are missing parts of the story. So whatever I say as well is partly or mostly projection.
I do feel like the need for validation is especially true for Tae. I think with Jinki it's more of an internal thing (like he struggles to be at peace with himself more than anything). Tae clearly values himself a lot by what he does and so taking a break from that must've been really hard. I also hopes he learns that not producing anything for external eyes still makes him worthy of everything good in this world.
Jinki is definitely more of an enigma to me. I kind of don't get why he chose to be in the spotlight. Like for everyone else, I can understand it, but with him... I still feel like his life could've gone many ways. I don't think he ever full sat in or embraced the idol life. I know he looooves singing and you can especially feel it when it's not so much of a performance, but him singing something he wants/chose to sing. I think he goes through phases of actively taking part in the industry and then retracting himself from it and maybe that's a balance he found works for him.
I have a tendency to especially project on these two because they are the closest to my character, so I too, feel like there was always this darkness to those two, that always present melancholy and existential angst that comes from being very sensitive, but I can't affirm what is or is not at the root of that or if it's even there. I do think they've all had their share of burdens and probably trauma (talking even before 2017), but yeah, that's just something we can speculate about.
Btw, I love that you're a DCM shawol, welcooooome!!!!! *hugs*
I'm always happy to know I give people good vibes (I'm a good actress XD). Always down to share opinions about SHINee ^^
I was thinking maybe Taemin wanted to do active duty because if he had done this grade from the beginning his condition would have been made public even before he enlisted. And maybe that was something he wishes to avoid if possible. He's so strong. Perhaps he really thought he could push through, idealist Taem...
Yeah I've seen people talk about how he should've been there from the beginning, which I agree with, but let's remember who we are talking about.
Lee Francesgod Taemin.
Taemin is always going to want to prove to himself and others that he can and push through even though he is in pain or in a really bad shape. I talked about this with my lovely friend in dms, but like Taemin probs thought too that ''if my brothers can do it, I can do it too''. Like I think that all the discourse related to the military service being one of those rituals that certify as you a man (which Lee Soo Man actually told him in the video message meant to cheer him up for his enlistment like....) probably got into his head too....
I don't know. I mostly think that he thought he should be doing it like everyone did, but ofc forgetting himself in the process.
But bubs, needs to learn that he is indeed very strong no matter what and he is not a failure nor should he feel shame in any shape or form because military life doesn’t suit him.
Wait Taem's carrying one of those book we used to use to learn the Italian arias 🥺 schumer's library
Woah, had to look that up, cause I'm ignorant, but it is one of these omg.
Lee Francesco staying on brand ajdhsadhahdhsa
Actually looked up to find one that starts with D and it looks like it's Debussy ajdsasdhsahd and he was playing piano in the shoot too! Okay we love a concept queen!
