Pahilumin mga sugat. Di ikaw ang iyong nakaraan
Heal wounds You are not your past.
Typing this while listening to Ben&Ben x Munimuni's song "Sugat." My comfort song when whenever I feel bruised, lost, failed, and on the verge of giving up.
I'm not feeling well today. I don't have any words to describe the uncertainty that I'm feeling. A lot had happened but still, this void and uncertainty found a way to get through me. I've been on a roller coaster ride with my relationship with God. I feel like I only talk to Him when I need Him the most then forget Him when things are easy and convenient.
I don't experience anything bad or sad today but just feel empty. I feel nothing. I refused to go to church because I was lazy. But before my Japan trip, I'd been praying for things to go smoothly, went to church to increase the chance of it, and been praying a lot then. But after my prayer was answered, I forgot (or chose not to?!) to thank God. WHAT A PRIORITY.
I am aware that I'm not okay because all I want to do all day is sleep. I even don't have an appetite and just eat anything I can see in the fridge even if it's not healthy (Eating chocolates for breakfast?!!) I drank 2 coffee and soft drinks but was still sleepy Huhu On times like this, I tried to challenge myself to do differently. On the earliest morning of December 11, 2023, I decided to talk to God. The perfect quietness I need to be with Him alone. I prayed for Him to talk to me by randomly opening a page in my 14-year-old Bible. And this were the page landed that I imagined Him saying to me:
It's like God is saying to me to trust Him entirely. It's like He wants me to know that if I trust Him and follow His will, it will refresh my soul, it will give joy to my heart, and give light to what I'm feeling. What a verse. His words have really struck my heart. He comforted me that there's more to having faith in Him. It's not about following Him, it's about what my being will be if trust Him and His will.
Ever since adulting hit me, I have had this perception that I always need to decide for myself. I always need to be in control. Even if I know I have no control, I'll exhaust myself to find a way to control the uncontrollable. Making me feel that I'm losing myself because I only believe in what I can do and when I can't do it anymore, there's this void. There's this uncertainty about who I am if I cannot do everything or if I cannot find the answer to anything. It's different when you have someone to rely on that you know will be consistent, who is stronger than any being on this earth, and who truly wants you to feel safe and secure. It's different when you are introduced to God.
Lord, thank You for speaking to me today. Thank You for reminding me who You are and what You can do for me as long as I am obedient and faithful to You. I really needed to know this. As I read the continuation of verses, in Psalm 19:11-13: "By your teachings, Lord, I am warned; by obeying them I am greatly rewarded. None of us know our faults. Forgive me when I sin without knowing it. Don't let me do wrong on purpose, Lord, or let sin have control over my life."