Anon wrote: Hi! There are probably no answers for this that aren't simple or obvious like,exercise more! or volunteer but still. Sorry in advance for the long whiny ask.
INFP and autistic (so,like,INFP squared? or is being typed infp a common co-morbidity to autism lol bc I have seen this combination A LOT. anyway not a great mix,would not recommend 0/10) person here. I'm currently not able to work or study. I can't fix that. My country is pretty awful and there is not much hope. I can't fix that either. The internet used to be a window into a different,better,kind of reality,and it's where I could find people who felt and thought the same as me. That was pretty good,actually.
As of summer 2020,that has started changing. It's a bit funny how everyone dumping their issues and loneliness online has made the whole landscape uninhabitable instead of bringing comfort,but,well. Anyway,I keep trying to make accounts to just talk about my interests or to simply feel that I belong somewhere and that I am understood. But then I abandon them because none of my opinions and core values fit in any specific internet persona mold now. There are tribes everywhere and I hate all of them. I can't lie,I don't have the energy to defend so many supposedly contradictory sides of me that aren't even relevant to anyone,and I hate being judged unfairly and being attributed intentions I don't have. Instead of finding my niche,I discover that out of 10 online people I might have connected with,I strongly disagree with all 10 of them on issues I won't budge. I just hate everyone now. And I lost the additional bit of hope I had lol.
I had so many ideas and plans about the content I wanted to make,online. Instead,now when I try to imagine the types of people who have liked or might like my stuff,and the ones who disliked me,they all look the same in my head. I just feel like closing shop and running away. I've lost the desire to share any part of me with others. So the inspiration is gone too and can't even work on anything. There is no imaginary audience I can trust or can confide in.
Irl expressing myself was rarely possible. I don't know what's the most common type here,but most people in my environment were very judgemental idealists acting like 'rational' self-sufficient cynics for some reason(unhealthy FJs I guess?). They hate 'cringe' display of emotions and 'unprofessionalism' in women(men get away with everything)more than they hate actual criminals. I was not able to connect and share ideas even with the people I had a lot of values in common with and who did the type of activism I was interested in. Not gonna lie,that was a huge blow. They were so close but so far,and I could not bridge the distance.
Also there are no good mental health services,mostly because of poverty and corruption. The fucked-up "pull yourself by your bootstraps and stop whining" and "look at you,entitled snowflake wanting special treatment,just endure it like the rest of us!" culture surely doesn't help. This isn't just conservative old men saying this but people from my generation. I wanted an escape from that.
But I just don't know where I can go from here. IRL was bad but I had such hope for existing online,at least. Until a couple months ago,I was still able to imagine people I might be able to resonate with,some day. I actually encountered them a couple of times,and it was everything I needed. But now,inside my head,everyone is disappointing and unreasonable and hateful and not worth it. I can't live like that but I can't live without people either...
Making something I'm proud of and showing it to someone who is not my mom lol is a basic need I can't fulfill now and it's driving me mad. And the problem with autism is that I literally can't do anything if there is not an image of how it might go in my head already. I don't know how to explain,even if my future best friend would be sitting next to me,if I did not have a slot in my head already prepared for that,I would be unable to recognize them. I'm so sorry this got so long.
--------------------------
I understand your disappointment and dejection. Feeling out of place isn't a nice feeling for anyone. You can't control other people. You can only improve yourself and your social skills. I see some problems that might impede your ability to socialize well:
1) Hungry for Validation: Do you only engage with people to get validation? Do you only create to get applause? Whether or not you succeed in doing something begins with the intention you set. Start off with the wrong intention and the results will be unexpected. If your intention is really just about using people as objects to feel good about yourself, is it really a surprise when they refuse to be used by you? Would you like to be used and disposed of when you are deemed useless? That's no way to treat people, is it?
2) Hypocrisy: You are pleading for like-minded friends out of one side of your mouth and then bashing "tribe" mentality out of the other side of your mouth. Methinks you are not so dissimilar from the people you condemn, since you are merely seeking your own tribe, just like everyone else?
Having contradictory beliefs means that there's something wrong with your belief system. Being unwilling to examine your own faulty beliefs means that you will never truly understand yourself, let alone others. How, then, are you meant to make real friendships? It seems that your social skills won't improve unless you take a good look at all the ways in which you sabotage relationships all on your own, aside from what other people do. This blog is for self-reflection, not for ranting.
3) Pessimism: Your perspective is too negative. If you are only able to view the world through the lens of your past disappointments, you will not see any hope, because you will only be looking for the "evidence" that confirms and affirms your disappointment. This is how pessimism, helplessness, powerlessness, and resignation get entrenched in the mind.
All people have a mixture of positive and negative qualities. All places have a mixture of pleasant and unpleasant people. When you are pessimistic, it means you only see the negative in everything. Pessimism is one common way that people destroy their own hope and motivation. It is a common sign of Si loop.
4) Judgmental: You decry people being judgmental while being quite judgmental yourself. Your opinions about everyone, including yourself, are quite negative, full of ego and righteousness, and too black-and-white. This will certainly prevent you from making friends. How can you get people to like you when you don't even like yourself? How can you like people when all you ever see is how they don't measure up to your lofty expectations?
What you don't understand is that beliefs =/= identity. People adopt a lot of their beliefs and values without much thought, because it happens unconsciously when they are children. If they are not given the encouragement and opportunity to examine and change their faulty beliefs, why would they? Much of the time, people hold the wrong beliefs out of ignorance rather than malice, yet you treat them as malicious, hate them, and dismiss them as not worth your time. If you don't want people to misjudge you, criticize your "contradictory" beliefs, or judge you for the worst version of you, are you willing to be the first to start choosing a different way?
When you are too judgmental of people, you operate under the assumption that they are irredeemable. Warning: Damn the world, and you will damn yourself too, because you are a part of the world, no matter how much you try to deny it. Empathy is required to see yourself and others as human, redeemable, and worthy of encouragement. You are sorely lacking in empathy and that's something that can be improved upon, if you cared enough to do so. Lack of empathy is a common sign of Te grip.
5) Poor Social Skills: Since you are negative and judgmental, have you considered how that affects the way you interact with people? Nobody deserves to be bullied or trolled. However, there are ways in which you might inadvertently invite people to bully or troll you. For example, if you're unwilling to examine your own faulty beliefs, you unconsciously attract people to criticize them, because deep down, you know that they need correcting. If you're going to dish out moral judgment all the time, then you invite others to give it to you in return. Perhaps you need to think more about how you present yourself to people and what effect it has on how they approach you.
I've written before about how social media isn't a great place to socialize and make friends. In many corners, it is indeed toxic because of the lack of accountability. Social media invites people to be their worst self in order to boost website engagement, and it sounds like you are a victim of that as well. Healthy relationships require responsibility and accountability from both parties. Are you responsible in your dealings with people? Are you accountable for any negative behavior of yours that is harmful to relationships? You say that you were with like-minded people and still couldn't succeed. That should make you suspect that the problem lies with your lack of social skills.
ASD is a legitimate concern. But beware of using it as an excuse. I've known plenty of people on the spectrum who are high functioning, willing and able to learn better social skills. If you are serious about building a better social support network, you'll have to put more effort into improving your social skills. This doesn't guarantee that every relationship will be successful. Having good social skills means that you know how to take full advantage of every opportunity for improving your relations with people. See the relevant tags and book recs on the topic.
