Godzilla (1998): The Movie Nobody Wanted
Sony Executive: We need to adapt Godzilla for American audiences. Someone call TriStar.
TriStar Executive: We'll pass. We won't be able to make a good film.
TriStar Chairman (overhears): Wait. Godzilla, the fire-breathing monster? Yesss! That'll make money! Let's do it!
[Clive Barker approaches TriStar with a pitch.]
[TriStar politely declines.]
[TriStar approaches Roland Emmerich.]
TriStar: Roland, we want you to direct Godzilla.
Roland Emmerich: I want to make a meteor disaster movie.
TriStar: We have a script by Terry Rossio and Ted Elliott for Godzilla.
Roland Emmerich: Why would you think I'd be interested? I'm not a Godzilla fan.
Dean Devlin: We'll pass then. We couldn't make it properly anyway.
[TriStar approaches Jan de Bont, David Fincher, Tim Burton, Sam Raimi...Roland Emmerich again.]
Roland Emmerich (who only saw Godzilla vs Megalon and laughed at it with friends): Godzilla? That fat guy in a rubber suit fighting monsters? That’s too campy—
[Toho gives him a comically large check.]
Roland Emmerich, (obviously trying to get off the project): Okay, let's go about this really radically. I'm not doing big-belly Godzilla. I'm doing him as a lizard.
Toho Executive: Oh, we'll call this the new Godzilla, the Hollywood Godzilla. Then, we can still do our fat Godzilla.
[Roland's internal monologue: Shit!]
[Toho gives him a list of rules.]
[Roland forwards the list of rules to Dean Devlin, which ends up in his trash by accident.]
[Roland reads the script.]
Roland Emmerich: Very cool. But I didn't write it and I kinda just want to make a big-budget creature feature disaster movie. So…
[The script ends up in the trash, not by accident.]
[Roland stays up all night drawing suspiciously sexy, muscular, slightly erotic and sensual lizard Godzilla fan-art.]
[Roland and Dean present the sleek lizard design.]
[Toho executives are silent for seven minutes.]
Roland Emmerich: We either do it this way or not at all.
[Toho executives silently leave the room.]
[Roland's internal monologue: I am totally getting fired right now.]
[Toho executives huddle in the hallway.]
Toho Executive #1: It stinks.
Toho Executive #2: I don’t care if it stinks! I don't care how awful the design is! We gave him the money already!
[Toho executives slowly walk back into the room.]
[Toho executives silently nod.]
[The sinking realization that nobody wants to do this.]
TriStar: Ferris Bueller and half the Simpsons side cast are on the studio lot...they'll do!
The movie comes out: [A CGI mutant iguana comes in wearing a Godzilla rubber suit.]
[Theaters lose money, critics hate it, Godzilla fans begin booing.]
[Dean Devlin’s excitement turns into immediate shock and horror.]
Dean Devlin: Why don't they like it?! We spent 150 million dollars on this!
Roland Emmerich: And now two meteor disaster movies have already come out...
Toho Executive (shaking fist at the sky): Curse you, TriStar! I'll never forgive the Americans!
