He headed for Padme’s apartment. He hoped it was late enough that she’d be there. A part of him thought he should not want her to see him distressed like this, but another part whispered that, though he had no memory, this would surely not be the first time she’d seen him upset. He realized that she might have actually been there when he’d learned— he shook his head. No. He could not keep thinking about this until he was somewhere safe.
When he reached her door, he knocked. He was sure she was used to him just letting himself in but he felt more comfortable respecting her personal space. It didn't take long for the door to slide open. Padme stood in the doorway.
“Count Dooku is dead,” he answers in a clipped tone. “He was thought to have died when the Invisible Hand crashed on Coruscant. With Dooku gone, we’ve lost a vital link to understanding the mystery of Darth Sidious. If you can capture Maul, he may be able to provide the missing pieces to this puzzle.”
She realizes suddenly that Obi-Wan and Anakin probably were on the Invisible Hand when it crashed, not to mention that, even if they weren’t, there must be untold damage on Coruscant. “Are you alright, Master Obi-Wan?” she questions hesitantly.
Ahsoka draws back slightly at his harsh tone, exchanging a worried look with Rex. The Force tells her that he’s lying. “Can you send me more men?”
Obi-Wan is quiet, before he finally nods. “I think I might be able to spare some.”
“What about Anakin?” Ahsoka asks, a bit too eagerly. “Maybe he can reinforce us?”
She nearly flinches at the look of raw agony that flashes over Obi-Wan’s face when she says the name. “Ahsoka…” he whispers, looking at the others. “May I speak to her alone for a moment?”
Bo-Katan obliges, turning and walking away, though Rex remains in place, obviously torn between obeying and learning what happened to his general. Ahsoka’s heart is pounding a little too quickly, fingers griping her upper arms tightly enough to be almost painful. She has a sudden, horrible realization of what Obi-Wan is going to say. Really, there’s only one thing that could bring Obi-Wan so much pain, and she doesn’t know if she can bear to hear it. Please, she thinks desperately, wildly, please no.
“He’s gone, Ahsoka,” Obi-Wan says gently, tone completely different from what it was only moments ago. “He was fighting Dooku when the crash happened. I was taking the Chancellor to safety.”
“No,” she mumbles, unable to accept the terrible truth. “You can’t…” She sucks in a shaky breath, wishing desperately that she could do things differently, that she could go to the past and do something to protect Anakin. This can’t be how it ends for him. He’s the best Jedi she’s ever known, the best in the entire Order, and how is it fair for him to die in something like a ship crash? They’ve crashed together endless times, but always, always he emerged relatively unscathed. Not this time.
She’s never regretted anything more than she does in this moment, wishing that she hadn’t left the Order. Maul would have continued to be a problem, but she would have been with Anakin. She wouldn’t be forced to live with the knowledge that she treated him in a completely inexcusable manner. They will never have a later. There will never be another time for them to catch up. He was so happy to see her, she could see it in his eyes, but she rejected it in favor of focusing on the mission, because she was a coward. She wasn’t sure how to treat him, how to get back the awkwardness that being separated had brought.
It’s worse than when they thought Obi-Wan had died, worse than when she was framed and cast out of the Order for a crime she didn’t commit. Anakin was a star, the star around which she orbited. When in the underworld of Coruscant, Ahsoka often found her thoughts drifting to him, wishing that he was with her, though she understood why he couldn’t and wouldn’t leave. She’d wondered what he was doing, if he was struggling on the front lines without her to watch his back, and a part of her had hoped that one day, they would be able to fight again together.
Now, all of that is meaningless. Anakin is dead. He’s gone. Only now can she actually put a name to the sudden, gaping void in her mind. Their bond is gone. She can’t feel it. Over time, it had weakened, but it had always been there, a small spark lurking constantly. Now, it’s vanished.
End Note: Part of an amnesia AU I’m writing... I started it for Angstpril. :)
Jason just watched the man in front of him with an empty expression. The man was tied to a chair, glaring up at him.
“So that’s it?” he asked “That’s all you’ve got for me?”
“Like I said you dammed brat” the man spewed “If you let me go here I will tell you everything”
“Why should I trust you?”
“Because if I leave here without protection, they will kill me”
“What’s to say that we wouldn’t do the same?”
“Jay...” Sam hissed from behind him, but he just ignored her “Stop it”
“Because you are the good guys, are you not?”
A slow, cold smiled formed on Jason’s mouth as he leaned forward, hands on the chair’s back next to the man’s head. “You should really have done your research” he whispered before pushing himself away “Alright. I’ll make sure that they don’t get to you. Now start talking”
For a moment the man just stared at Jason, blinking slowly as if he was struggling to understand what was just said to him.
“If you don’t start talking” Jason said “Then I’m going to take back the offer”
The man clenched his jaw, glaring at Jason for a moment before looking over at Sam that stood just behind his shoulder.
“Fine I’ll tell you everything you want to know”
Jason nodded, the cold expression still on his face.
The man started talking while Jason and Sam listened without a word. Every now and then Jason would nod, but his expression stayed the same, ice cold and dangerous.
When the man finished, he looked at Jason and Sam. “Where’s my protection?” he asked.
The sound of the gunfire echoed loudly through the building.
Sam gasped. She stared at the man’s corps for a moment before looking over at Jason.
There was a dark expression on his face as he holstered his gun again.
***
“Why did you do that?” Sam snapped as she followed Jason out of the building “You said you’d make sure that they don’t get to him”
“And I did” Jason said as he turned towards her.
“You lied to him”
“No, I did what I said I would. I never said that I’d protect him from them”
“No, Jason” Sam snapped “That was a lie. why would you do that?”
Jason pulled his hand through his hair. “Because that’s what needed to be done” he said, looking down at Sam as she glared up at him.
“You killed a man in cold blood”
He nodded.
“JASON” she snapped.
“What do you want from me Sam?” Jason asked “Did you really think that I’ve never killed anyone before?”
Sam pursed her lips together, but did not say anything.
“I kill for the first time when I was still in my teens. He is not the first man I’ve shot point blank either” Jason said “Or do you want met to lie to you? Is it better to listen to a lie than a terrible truth?”
“What is going on with you today?” Sam asked, taking a step away from Jason.
This was not the Jason that she knew. This person was a stranger. Her Jason was kind and sweet and did not shoot people in cold blood.
“There’s nothing going on, Sam” Jason said “I’m just doing my job”
“And since when is it your job to kill people?”
“I’m a spy, Sam. Did you really think that we’ll be able to do this job without spilling blood? This is a dangerous game, and if you don’t want to be killed, you have to be willing to kill others”
“Not in cold blood”
Jason clenched his jaw and looked away from Sam. He did not want to look at the judgement in her eyes. He’d seen it enough in the morning as he looked into the mirror.
“He was a dangerous man” he said, as if it would make their situation any better “If you’d let him go he would have tried to stay on the right path for a few days before going on with what he was doing before, smuggling. And not just anything. Humans Sammy. He takes little children and sells them of to the highest bidder”
“You could have had him thrown in jail” Sam snapped back at him.
Jason shook his head. “Sam” he started, hesitating slightly “I will never lie to you” he paused for a moment “But if you are in danger, I will do what ever it takes to keep you save. Even if that means killing someone”
“Then I don’t want your protection. If it’s going to cost someone their life, I don’t want it”
“So you would prefer a gently lie, rather than a terrible truth” Jason said as he looked away from her “Well then you are on the wrong career path, Sammy”
Sam bit her lip, tears welling up in her eyes as she glared at him.
“I’m not going to apologize for this” Jason said after a few seconds “But I will say that I’m sorry for hurting you. I’ll understand if you don’t want to work with us anymore”
With that Jason turned and walked away, one hand clenched into a tight fist, his nails digging into his palm.
What was going on with him? He didn’t even know why he said all those things. The quiet throbbing in the back of his head gave a spike and he almost flinched. He felt slightly disconnected from himself.
If Rowan or Mike heard him just now, they would have given him a beating. Not to say anything about Clover and Alex.
Jason pressed his hand against his head, clenching his jaw. There was something wrong. He knows that he told Sam he was fine, but he wasn’t. He could feel it.
That slight feeling that there’s something he’s supposed to see, but couldn’t, that there’s something wrong, out of place.
And he didn’t know what it was.
Darkness slowly edged closer, filling his vision.
He blinked a few times and stopped walking, looking around. Confusion filled his mind.
Where the hell was he?
He glanced at his watch and nearly chocked. It’s been more than five hours since he talked to Sam.
Certain memories don’t need to live front and center in our current life. Some memories no longer need a spotlight. Some connections can and should fade.
We can be sad about letting go and know it’s the right thing to do. We can miss what is gone without going back there. We can remember witho
830 words, 4-5 minutes read time
Stories of healing, perseverance, and hope: This is how we are living, recovering, and thriving with Dissociative Identity Disorder. New article every Wednesday!
