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Nov 8, 2020

that talk || beauner, 11.8

Gunner ( @gunner-clarington ) tells Beau what happened at the masquerade.

It had been a weird few days since the dance. Beau knew he'd been in a strange headspace that he still wasn't talking about - but so had Gunner. He hadn't pushed him to talk about it, and wasn't planning on it at all. But he was worried. Had something happened in the assault case that Gunner didn't want to tell him? Beau swallowed hard as the thought suddenly occurred to him. Turning to Gunner, he looked up at the Dom with worried eyes, his handsome face lit by the flickering light of the movie they were watching. "Are you going to get jail time? Is that what you don't know how to tell me?" he asked, brows furrowed lightly.

Gunner frowned as Beau spoke. For a few moments, he wasn't sure where that came from, before he realised that Beau must've worked out how distracted and weirded-out he was since the masquerade. He let out a sigh, and shook his head. "The lawyer doesn't think so, but my CO made time to come see me next week," he admitted. "Not looking forward to that," Gunner murmured. "But uh, no, I'm pretty sure no jail time, Adams. I know you'd kick my ass if I did that."

He let out a soft sigh of relief. Of course, it didn't explain Gunner's behavior, but at least he wouldn't be losing another chance before he even got it. "You're very right about the ass kicking. And the whole CO thing... no matter what happens, you've got me. Which, you know, isn't like much consolation, but it's all I got," he said with a lopsided smile.

Gunner shook his head, and leaned over to press a kiss to Beau's head. "Having you is everything," he murmured. "And I gotta set up rules or something about talking crap about yourself, even if you do it with a cute smile," Gunner half-teased the submissive. He knew he needed to come clean about what had happened as the masquerade. He didn't want to be the type of Dom who kept secrets from his submissive, especially about something this big. "So, uh, something happened at the masquerade, and...and I guess I'm really messed up about it."

The comment made his lips quirk into a bigger smile. "I don't know if that'll make me stop, Sir. The whole self-depricating thing is part of my charm," Beau insisted. His smile faded a little though as the Dom fell silent for a moment, then spoke more seriously. He sat up slightly, brows furrowed. "Okay. Do you want to talk about it, Sir? Something happened to me too but it kinda seems like your thing is messing with you a little more."

"As long as you're smiling and happy, I guess I can make my peace with it," Gunner smiled back. He sucked in a breath as Beau asked him if he wanted to talk about it, and he sat up a little straighter. "We should talk about what happened to you there," he said, a little firmer in his tone now, and shaking his head. "I want to know what happened, so I can know how to help."

His brows furrowed a little bit more, lips pressing together. "Okay. We can talk about it, but we need to talk about your thing too. Because I have to know how to help you. I know there's like, the whole power dynamic with Dom and sub - but I'm here to take care of you too. Deal?" he asked seriously. Beau was willing to open up but he wasn't the only one here who needed support, clearly.

Gunner nodded shortly. He knew he wasn't getting out of sharing what had happened, and as much as he was dreading it, he still didn't want to. He wanted to be the kind of guy who shared what was bothering him with his submissive, even if he had no experience doing that. "I'm here for you taking care of me," Gunner promised. "I'm not trying to...be dumb, or whatever, or think I don't need to be taken care of because I'm a Dom."

"Okay. Good. Just... wanted to make sure of that," he said quietly. Beau looked down at his lap, figuring he might as well just get it out of the way. He still felt like an idiot for being so torn up about it, but he couldn't shake the feeling. "I was blowing someone at the dance and they uh... it's so fucking dumb but they started fucking my throat without any warning and it just like, made me think about the shit my dad said and how I'm only good for one thing and it... yeah. It's stupid," he mumbled.

Gunner wondered, as Beau spoke, if he could find out who had done, and talk to them. He was pretty sure Beau wouldn't tell him, especially not after everything that had happened during parents week. He shook his head a little, and put an arm around Beau. "Not stupid," he said quietly, before he furrowed his brow, and tried to put together exactly what he wanted to say to Beau. "So I'm your Dom, right? And I'm picturing our lives together a lot, and you might not believe me but if you told me you weren't into sex anymore, I'd deal with that," Gunner murmured. "Don't get me wrong, you're gorgeous and I love the sexy things we do together, but those things...they're a bonus. The amazing thing about us building something together here is that I've got a shot at a life with you, Beau Adams, and if that ever meant no sex, that'd really be okay. Because you're way, way more than what you can give me sexually."

He leaned into the arm around him, shifting closer to lean up against Gunner's side. "I don't want him to take that away from me," he finally said after a long moment, trying to reign in the lump in his throat. "Especially with you. It's taken me a long time to realize sex can be more than just an orgasm or pleasure or pain, depending on what it is. It just comes out of nowhere sometimes, which is really fucking frustrating. I like playing the whore. I think it's just a matter of... bringing that back into the positive after everything. Or something." He reached over to play lightly with the bottom of Gunner's shirt. "That means a lot though. That you'd want to still claim me even without that. That you want... me."

Gunner nodded slowly as Beau spoke, and kept his arm around the submissive. "Well, we can definitely work on making your slut-play kink a little more positive for now, if that's what you think you need," Gunner agreed. "I'm not really sure how to do that, but if you any ideas, I'm always willing to listen, especially if its something that can help," Gunner promised. He smiled a little as Beau began to play with the bottom of his shirt. "That's something I really want you to understand, Adams. I want you, not just your body."

"I'll think on it, Sir. Because I want that back, and I want it to be a good thing." Beau would do whatever he could to get back the confidence and mindset he had before his dad decided to shatter it to pieces. Lifting his chin, he smiled at Gunner, leaning in to brush his lips against the Dom's jaw. "I'm working on it, Sir. Promise. It's... an uphill battle, for sure." His fingers kept playing with the Dom's shirt, letting the silence linger for a moment. "So... what's your thing?" he finally asked.

"I want it to be a good thing for you too," Gunner murmured. He hated the idea that Beau's dad had shattered his confidence, and he knew without a doubt that he was going to do everything he could to make sure something similar didn't happen in the future. He hummed happily as Beau kissed along his jawline. "I'm already proud of you for working on it," he said softly. He enjoyed the gentle silence, before Beau asked what had been bothering him. Gunner sucked in a breath, and nodded a little. "At the masquerade, I hooked up," he said. "With Archer."

The admission of pride made Beau smile a little wider, his body leaning into Gunner's affectionately. He stayed close even as he asked the question, knowing it would probably be something difficult to talk about. Whatever he was expecting - that wasn't it though. His eyes widened slightly at the admission. "Okay. So. That's... what's getting your head messed up about it?" he asked gently. The sibling on sibling thing didn't bother him - god knew there was enough incest at this school - but it was bothering Gunner, clearly.

Gunner shrugged his shoulders slightly, and sighed. "Partly. Mostly," he murmured, as he looked down at his own hands. He sighed softly, and hoped Beau would be okay with what he was about to say. "I guess, uh, I guess there was something I wanted to get off my back, and get over with, and I guess I figured that doing with some anonymous guy was better," Gunner muttered. "So, uh, I subbed for Arch. For the first time since New York."

His brows furrowed slightly. There was something Gunner was keeping from him, he could tell. "So... you're more of a switch then? That's... I mean, I'm like, not really a Dom at all but no one can be 100% of one thing, right? Was it good, to sub for someone?" he asked, still wondering what the thing was that was messing up Gunner's head so much in particular. Maybe it was just the brother thing?

Gunner sighed, and shook his head. A lot of his identity was wrapped up in being a Dom, and he wasn't ready to really change that. "I only ever subbed for money, back in New York, but the other night with Arch, it just felt right," he mumbled. "I bottomed for him, in front of people. Just even thinking about letting someone else take control for once had me so horny, you know?" Gunner whispered, his cheeks reddening with embarrassment. "It kills me that I didn't save that for you."

Beau felt his lips press together in sympathy, His heart ached whenever Gunner spoke about his time in New York like that - what he was forced to do. He opened his mouth to respond, but stopped when Gunner told him exactly what his subbing had entailed. "You... bottomed for him?" he repeated in a hollow voice, sitting up a little straighter and pulling away from Gunner. "But you told me you only w-wanted to..." Beau felt his temper rising, anger at himself and anger at the man beside him, but he tried to keep it under control. Whatever control he could manage at least.

Gunner turned a little as Beau pulled away from him, pulling his leg up onto the couch and sitting sideways, to face Beau now. "It's okay," he murmured. "I know you're mad, and I deserve that," he said, as he ran a hand through his hair. "I just...felt good, you know? I was doing this thing that I haven't done since New York, and when the topic of me bottoming got brought up, I was kinda surprised but I guess I thought, yeah I can be this guy, I can do normal things," Gunner mumbled. "But I made a big deal out of this being special and just for you, and I fucked that up, and I wish it was still something special and just for you, Adams, I really do. And not because it turned out to be Archer."

He could hear his parents in his head, phantom voices telling him to calm down and be quiet. His first boyfriend telling him to not make a big deal out of anything. And yeah, he did feel a little guilty listening to Gunner talk about how good he felt - but he couldn't stop how angry he was. He couldn't keep his temper under wraps, not this time, because how many times would this happen? Beau got up from the couch, pacing a few steps away before turning back to the Dom. "You can honestly say you would still feel this way if it didn't turn out to be your brother? I never asked you to make anything special for me, Gunner, I never asked you to keep anything special for me! You said this, you made a big deal out of this - hell, you could barely handle giving me head and you just..." He paused to suck in a shaking breath. "Was it all bullshit then? Were you just like, fucking pretending about shit being special to fucking appease me?" he asked, his voice cracking as emotion got the better of him.

Gunner sucked in a breath as Beau got up onto his feet. He badly wanted to reach out and pull him into his lap, but it didn't take a genius to see that wouldn't be appreciated right now. "Of course I would, Adams. Maybe a little less since I wouldn't have that fucked-up weirdness hanging over me too, but I still hate it all," Gunner swore. He was shaking his head as Beau spoke about never asking for anything special, and sighed. He hated how Beau's voice was cracking with emotion. "Nothing has been bullshit, I promise. Before the masquerade, I meant that it would be special, and I still mean it now," Gunner said defiantly. "I just didn't...expect to feel like that, with all the anonymity going on, and Archer making a move to be dominant with me," he tried to explain. "But you? Fucking god, Adams. It kills me that its so hard for you see how fucking special you are. You realise you've got two Clarington brothers, with our background, totally crazy about you? How the fuck could that happen if you weren't something amazing?"

Beau held up a hand, shaking his head. "Seriously, can you fucking spare me the shit, Gunner?" he said, his tone derisive. Now that he'd let it out, he couldn't stop how his voice rose as he continued, his temper flying off the handle in a way it hadn't in a long time. "It doesn't mean much of anything when said two Claringtons give each other what they can't be assed to give special little me! I don't give a fuck who you fuck around with, I don't give a fuck that Archer can barely touch me without a locked door between us and anyone else, but apparently take me out of the equation and it's fucking easy as hell for both of you! Do you fucking get how shitty that is to know, that I'm not worth more than some stranger in a mask?" The final words were practically shouted, his eyes red and wet as he struggled to at least keep himself from crying.

Gunner stood up as Beau started yelling, and was shaking his head. "Some stranger in a mask isn't more special than you, that's not what I'm saying!" Gunner argued. "I was...fucking blindsided by this whole submission thing, and I wasn't thinking, and that's all on me. That was my fucking dumbass shit going on, but never, ever fucking ever, was I ever thinking that you were lesser than anyone, okay?" Gunner said loudly, and firmly. "I fucking hate that I did this, because I want me bottoming and me going down on guys to be all for you, at least for now," Gunner insisted. "I swear to God, if it wasn't for the masks, I would've been way too terrified to do anything even remotely concerning my ass."

"But it's what your actions say, Gunner, don't you get that? I twitched my hips once when you gave me head and you could barely keep going - which I get, I totally understand and I'm not - that's not the problem," he said, shaking his head. "The problem is that you said this meant something and you let me believe you and... god, I'm just a fucking idiot, aren't I?" Beau finally sighed, shaking his head and chuckling under his breath.

Gunner shrank back into himself a little at the reminder of the botched blowjob, and stepped away from Beau so he wasn't facing the submissive for a few moments. "It's not about you!" Gunner shouted as he turned back to face Beau once the submissive was calling himself a fucking idiot. "I'm sorry, Adams, but it's not. My fucking dumb animal brain saw a way to get what my dick wanted without my issues getting in the way, and so that's what I did. It doesn't make you not special, and it definitely doesn't mean I don't want you to have special things with me. But shit, it's just...not about you, okay?" he finished in a quieter voice. "It's just not."

Beau froze the moment Gunner shouted at him. He watched the Dom speak, swallowing hard. He knew Gunner was right. It wasn't about him. Nothing ever was, nothing ever would be. Beau blinked hard, a few more hard gulps forced down before his shoulders shifted in a forced shrug. "Sure. You're right. It's not. Sorry," he said in a hollow tone. It was probably almost visible, how he closed himself off, shuttering the hurt and anger back to the recesses of his mind.

Gunner sighed and ran his hands over his face in frustration. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do here, okay? I've tried everything I know to do to show you that I'm into you, that I want you as my sub, but I don't know how to handle you shutting off like this, okay? I just don't," Gunner shook his head. "I don't know how to talk to you when you take things like all of this, and somehow convert it into proof that I don't care about you, or that I misled you. I fucked up, and I'm on board with you being pissed at me for that. I'm pissed at me. But I'm not gonna just sit by and let you just take this as proof I don't give a shit about you."

"I know you give a shit about me. You wouldn't have told me any of this if you didn't," he muttered. He stared down at the floor. Beau had a sickening feeling that he should have just kept it all bottled in. He shouldn't have lost his temper. He shouldn't have done anything but nodded along - because he'd probably fucked this up too. "So what, I'm just supposed to say I'm mad at you, you say sorry and we move on, easy as pie?" he asked dully. "The hurt just... goes away after that?"

Gunner quietly shook his head. "You're talking like I know shit about relationships," he mumbled. "I think its probably not as easy as that, but yeah? We talk about why you're mad at me, we work it out, and when we're ready to move on, we do," Gunner said, as he wiped at his own eyes quietly. "It kills me that I hurt you, Adams," he whispered. "But I promise you, you're the only person in my life right now that I want special things with. I swear, on my life, that's true."

Beau swallowed hard, his arms crossing over his stomach. "Don't... look, do me a favor? Don't promise me anything right now," he said after a long moment. "I've had enough broken promises to last a long time and I'm pretty done with believing in anyone's promises." He sniffed, his shoulders hunching over slightly. "I know you said this isn't about me but I think I might need like... a little bit of time. It's not the bottoming thing or the submitting thing or even the Archer thing but I need... I need to know that I can trust you, and that trust won't be broken if your lower brain takes over." It still was difficult, to admit what he needed - especially when there was still a sinking feeling that what he needed would ruin anything.

Gunner took a deep breath, and slowly nodded as Beau spoke. He knew he'd really messed up, not just by making his brotherly relationship with Archer weird, but by betraying Beau's trust. He could only hope that Beau would eventually let him prove that he was someone to be trusted in the long term. "What, um...what does you having time look like?" Gunner asked, in a quieter voice. "Does it mean you're, uh, you're not my boy anymore?" he looked away, not wanting to contemplate Beau not being his submissive, but he knew that was probably what they were looking at right now.

Beau’s throat worked on a hard swallow. A part of him thought that maybe that might be the best idea, but his chest felt like it might crack if he actually agreed to that. He shook his head. “No. It doesn’t mean that,” he finally said, his voice cracking a little. “It just means... I don’t know. That I just need some time to hurt, and figure out a way to trust you again.” Beau let out a slow breath to try and get himself under control. “It’s hard for me to trust... anyone. But it’s harder to lose anyone. And I’m not... I’m hurt, but I’m not going to give this up if I have the choice to keep it. It’s not really a choice I’ve had.”

Gunner let out a quiet sigh of relief as Beau told him he was still his boy, even if he needed time away from Gunner right now. "Okay," he murmured, as Beau explained he needed to figure out a way to trust Gunner again. "I....I think its still worth something to you, if you're willing to not just move on from me, so I want to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for promising you something important, and being dumb enough to go back on my word," Gunner said, as he looked straight at Beau. "If you give me another chance, I promise that won't be something I ever do again."

Beau sniffed quietly. “Did you not hear the whole don’t promise me anything right now thing?” he asked, though he couldn’t help but smile slightly as he’d said it. The apology was nice to hear though. Beau nodded. “Thank you. For saying that. I know you are. I just need some time before I can forgive. And there’s no if, Sir. With the whole chance thing. More of a when.”

"I guess you're the kind of guy that makes me want to promise the world," Gunner smiled a little, as he saw the smile on Beau's face. He had a relieved expression on his face as Beau made it clear it was just a matter of time before Beau gave him another chance, and he nodded, still smiling slightly. "That's more than I deserve, and I'm really grateful, Adams. Honestly."

“Just remember I take promises very seriously, Sir,” he pointed out. Beau shrugged a little, arms still wrapped around his stomach. He had a sickening feeling that he should push his hurt aside and act like everything was all right before Gunner found someone else - someone less complicated. But he had to do this for himself, something he so rarely considered. “I should... I think I should go, Sir,” he said finally.

#that talk #gunnerclarington