I Suppose You Think This Is Funny?
AN: I’m baaack! Sorry I haven’t been posting as much as I used to, but I’ve still been dealing with a lot personally. But the project hail mary/iron lung hype finally got me back in the game lmao. I couldn’t let y’all have all the fun!
This is the winner from that one poll awhile back, so hope you enjoy! I’m hoping to get back into writing & posting more frequently, but that all depends on how kind life is to me. Kinda not wild about the ending, so be nice
From the moment Simon gained consciousness on the Hail Mary, he was cursing. "Fuck" was practically his favorite word, but only the other human aboard the ship could understand the expletives grumbled under his breath. Not that Simon was aware. That damn rock understood just about everything else; why would swearing be such a foreign concept?
Rocky was deeply familiar with Eridian swears and insults, but Grace hadn't been too keen on adding their translations.
"The last thing I need is for you to cuss me out. You already call me stupid on a daily basis," he teased with a chuckle, but Rocky didn't find it as funny.
"Rocky need space, statement," he said, turning around in his ball and walking away.
"C'mon Rock, don't be like that," Grace called out after him.
Rocky paused, rolling closer to his friend as he answered. "Rocky check on Simon. Will be back later."
"Oh, okay," Grace accepted the answer easily enough. He opened his mouth as if to add something, but stopped himself short. "Ah, nevermind," he waved a hand, as if in dismissal.
The movement caught Rocky's attention. "Nevermind what, question?"
Grace shook his head. "It's stupid."
"Okay!" Rocky chirped in agreement, about to head on his way, when Grace's voice stopped him once more.
"Just- make sure he knows he's allowed to go wherever he wants. He only really hangs out in the green room and observation deck, and I just want him to feel comfortable here."
"Rocky tell him!" he agreed before rolling down the hall.
~~~
Simon could hear Rocky coming a mile away. The loud thunking wasn't exactly stealthy.
"Simon!" he exclaimed, announcing his presence. Said man looked over, arching a brow quizzically.
"Rocky..." he answered, unsure what the alien wanted. They rarely interacted one on one, mostly due to Simon's own hesitance.
"Rocky need favor, statement," he said, cutting to the chase. Simon tried not to appear as tense as he felt.
"... Well, that depends. What's the favor?"
Rocky rolled his ball further into the room, moving closer to Simon, but still keeping a small distance between them.
"Need new words," Rocky admitted, carapace lowered in something akin to disappointment or frustration.
Simon snorted. "Do I look like a fuckin' dictionary? Go ask Grace," he dismissed, but Rocky wasn't having it.
"No!" he stomped to assert his point. "Grace not share human bad words! Those are words Rocky need!"
Simon was hiding a smile behind his hand, holding back amused laughter. "Is that so?"
Rocky went still, his voice monotonous. "Simon laugh at Rocky."
Great, now he felt bad.
"No I'm not!" Simon denied, but Rocky continued to stare. "I was… laughing at Grace," he insisted. Rocky took a few steps closer.
"Why, question?"
"Because he's a such a nerdy goody two shoes," he said, a playful smirk tugging at his lips. "I mean, who gatekeeps curse words from an alien?"
"Hm. Don't understand," Rocky said, hoping for clarification.
"What, gatekeep? It's slang for withholding information," he explained.
Rocky hopped up and down, stomping his feet with excitement. "Yes! Grace gatekeep!"
"Well that's just not fair," Simon agreed, allowing his infectious energy to rub off on him. He walked over to grab the nearby laptop and translator, placing it in his lap as he sat back down. "So, how 'bout we start with the worst ones and work our way down from there."
~~~
"With insults, they're more or less interchangeable, but it depends on the situation."
"Hm. Need example."
Simon shifted, leaning his left side against Rocky's ball for support. "Okay... so say we're both walking down the street and I bump into you without saying excuse me. I'm being an asshole. But if I see you walking and go out of my way to run into you, then I'm being a dick."
"Dick worse than asshole, question?"
The phrasing was so unexpected, Simon couldn't help but burst into laughter, nodding, "Yeah, you got it bud! But really, it's a matter of what feels right in the moment."
"Rocky need more examples." He didn't really, but this was the most he'd heard the new human speak, and as it turns out, he was rather funny.
"Ohokay, okay, here's one. So if you tell me to do something and I refuse for a stupid reason, I'm being a whiny little bitch. Got that?"
"Whiny little bitch," Rocky repeated, beaming with pride at his expanded vocabulary.
"You think you got it, or you want me to keep going?"
"Rocky understands now."
"Glad I could help," Simon said, patting the glass of his ball as Rocky rolled by.
Before he left, Rocky paused in the doorway. "Simon, question?"
"Yeah?" he cocked his head, glancing over at him.
"Why Simon not leave room, question?"
Simon sighed. He figured it wouldn't be long until one of them asked that question. He rarely left the onboard greenhouse ever since he'd first laid eyes on it.
"I just really like this room," he shrugged.
"Bullshit, statement."
Simon's lips quirked into a tight smile. "Already putting those words to good use I see," he said, hoping to deflect. When Rocky didn't respond, he continued, "Where I came from, we only had one tree left. And when it finally died, that was it. So seeing so many plants- alive and in space, thriving... I don't know. It just feels comforting, I guess."
Rocky thought for a moment before speaking. "Is same reason Simon leak when see stars, question?"
Simon's breath hitched in his throat. He wasn't expecting the conversation to take such a turn after their crash course in Swearing 101. He nodded, voice barely above a whisper, "Yeah..."
He flinched when he felt something touch his leg, looking up to see Rocky reaching through the mesh panel to rest a comforting claw on his knee.
"Grace, Rocky save stars! Save plants!" he explained.
"Yeah, you did..." Simon trailed off, a sad smile on his face as he fought back tears.
He stood abruptly, startling Rocky as he stretched and groaned loudly. "Now if you don't mind, I think I'm gonna go look at those stars," he said, walking off towards one of the large windows.
"Okay. Rocky go share new words with Grace!"
"Go easy on him, tiger," Simon teased from over his shoulder, unsure if Rocky even knew what a tiger was.
Rocky gave a small nod and went in the opposite direction, shouting down the hall as he went, "What the fuck Grace doing, question?"
From further down the hall, another, more confused voice, "What?"
~~~
It hadn't even been an hour before Rocky came back, barreling towards Simon with Grace not far behind.
"Bad, bad bad. Rocky piss off Grace," he said, rolling around Simon to hide behind him.
"Well that was fast," Simon mused, almost impressed. He quickly schooled his features when he noticed Grace standing before him, hands on his hips. His jaw was clenched, foot tapping in annoyance as he awaited an explanation.
"Oh, hey Grace. Sooo... to what do I owe the pleas-"
"You taught him how to swear?" It sounded less like a question, and more of an accusation. Simon didn't see any reason in denying it.
"He asked," he said with a shrug, turning to look out the window to hide his growing smirk.
"Of course he did! But that doesn't mean you give him a whole arsenal!"
"He asked nicely?" Simon tried again, turning back around only to be met with an icy glare. Simon stared down at their companion, brows furrowed, "Jesus, what all did you say?"
Grace didn't give Rocky a chance to answer, "Oh he said plenty."
"Oh yeah? Like what?" he asked, biting back a chuckle.
"Like, "what the fuck are you doing Grace!" "No dumbass!" "Stop being such a whiny little bitch!" "Why Grace so fucking stupid!"" he listed them off one by one, growing more exasperated as both of their amusement became apparent. Simon's shoulders shook with suppressed laughter, having to lean against the wall for support as Rocky let out a few giggly trills.
"Oh, I suppose you two think this is funny," he said, cocking his hip as he shifted his weight.
"Yes!" Rocky cheared before Simon shushed him, reigning in his own reactions. He cleared his throat, donning a serious expression.
"No, you're right. It's not funny," he admitted, waiting until Grace's tense posture slackened from the apology. "It's fuckin' hilarious."
He didn't bother holding back anymore, bursting into loud hysterics.
It was the first time he'd heard Simon really laugh, and it was an infectious, carefree sound. He just didn't like the fact that he was the butt of the joke.
Having no other options to turn to in order to make them shut up, Grace resorted to what he knew best.
"Okay, I'm gonna need you to catch a bubble," he said in his stern "teacher voice."
"What?" Simon wheezed, looking between Grace and Rocky, doubling over. "What does that even mean?"
Grace could feel the heat rising to his cheeks as they continued to mock him, but despite his growing embarrassment, he found it increasingly difficult not to smile.
"Means Simon shut the fuck up, statement," Rocky explained.
"Well that's not very nice," Simon mused, a smug grin tugging at his lips.
"That's why I said catch a freaking bubble!" He had to take a deep breath to calm himself back down. He loved Rocky, and Simon was really growing on him, but gosh darn it did they get on his nerves sometimes.
"Careful there, you almost said a bad word," Simon snickered, fist bumping Rocky through the mesh material of his ball.
"Alright, that's it!" Grace clapped loudly to grab their attention. "Apologize. Both of you," he demanded, pointing sternly at the perpetrators.
"Wha- me?" Simon sputtered, caught off guard by the unexpected request.
"Yes you!" Grace insisted, not backing down from his stance. Simon looked him up and down, relaxing with a smirk.
"Why? What're you gonna do about it?" he taunted, relishing in the way his mouth hung open in shock. "Probably nothing."
"Oh I'm gonna do... something," he threatened weakly.
"Yeah, I'm really shaking in my boots," he drawled, sitting back down on the windowsill.
Grace huffed indignantly. "You're a piece of work, you know that?"
"So I've been told."
Grace rubbed his face from under his glasses, knocking them askew. He hated that Simon was right; he probably would do nothing. It's not like there was much he could do in way of punishment- wait.
A sly smile graced his features, standing up straighter with newfound confidence.
Rocky noticed the shift in demeanor, knowing it could only spell trouble.
"Y'know what? Fine, whatever. Water under the bridge," Grace said, slowly walking closer to his target. Simon only gave a noncommittal hum in response. "Mind if I sit here?" he asked, not waiting for an answer before sitting a bit too close to Simon.
"Simon should run now, statement," Rocky tried to warn, only to be brushed off.
"Nah, don't listen to him. We're good!" As if to prove his point, Grace slung an arm around his shoulders, pulling him even closer.
Simon arched a brow quizzically, leaning back to study the other man's face. Grace caught his eye, flashing an innocent smile.
"Run! Simon! Simon, run!" Rocky tapped against his ball, and maybe he should actually listen to him.
"Uh, yeah, I'm just gonna-" Simon made to stand, only for Grace to pull him back down.
"Hey, where're you goin'? Just relaaaax," he reassured, giving his shoulders a friendly shake.
"Um, okay..." Simon trailed off, trying to scoot away to put some distance between them, but Grace's grip was surprisingly strong. "Are you sure you're not still mad? 'Cause-"
"What? Nooo, no no. If I was mad, would I do this?" he asked, squeezing up and down his side.
Simon flinched beneath the touch, barking out a surprised laugh before slapping his hand over his mouth.
"Why so shy all of a sudden? I thought you wanted to laugh! Or did you only want to do it at my expense?" he teased.
"Noho, that's not- shihihit don't do thahahat!" Simon snorted as he pinched down his side, squeezing his hip.
"Do what?" Grace asked innocently, continuing to knead around his hip. "Oh, this? Or do you mean this?" As he spoke, his hand jumped up to scratch in his armpit, careful not to get too close to the remaining stump. It had fully healed over months ago, but Grace still wanted to be careful.
"GAHAHAH!" Simon let out a giggly scream, jerking away from the touch and further into Grace's embrace. "You bahahastard!"
"Well now, that's uncalled for," Grace said, tweaking his ribs in retaliation. Simon sputtered through his laughter, trying to twist and reach with his right hand to fight him off.
"Ihihit's justified!" he argued, legs kicking and scrambling against the floor for leverage. Grace adjusted his grip, trapping him in a hug from behind and pulling him into his lap.
"Agree to disagree," he said, raking over his ribs with clawed hands. Simon snorted again, louder this time, and immediately tugged his shirt up to hide his growing blush.
Unfortunately, this made his shirt hike up to expose his lower stomach. Well, unfortunate for Simon. For Grace, it was just the opportunity he was looking for.
"AUGH! MOHOHOTHERFUHUHUCKER!" he cackled as a hand slipped beneath his shirt, kneading and scratching at bare skin.
"I wouldn't dream of touching your mother like that!" Grace gasped, giggling at his own joke as Simon growled through his laughter. His face turned a shade darker, but Grace couldn't tell if it was out of embarrassment, or frustration.
"Wihihill you just shut uhuhup?"
Or both.
"No, I don't think I will," he taunted, a smile evident in his tone.
"Nohohow I know why you're a teacher," he began, and Grace paused his movements to let him catch his breath and speak, curious where he was going.
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah, because you're a smart AHAHAHASS!" His words were cut off by deep, frantic laughter as Grace dug into both pits.
Simon leaned on him for support, conflicted between pressing his arm down, and reaching around to protect his left side. Grace smirked, vibrating a clawed hand into his stomach while the other played his ribs like a piano. Specifically, the left side of his ribs.
Simon threw his head back, mouth open wide as the sound of his mirth echoed throughout the small ship. He twisted back and forth in Grace's arms, unable to dislodge the probing hands as they wandered his torso.
"Grace only tickling Simon's left side," Rocky noted, startling them both at the reminder of his presence.
"Yeah, and?" Grace prompted, continuing to knead and pinch around his ribs.
"Simon only have one arm! Cannot properly defend himself, statement."
How was it that the living rock was the only one looking out for him?
"Yeah, and?" Grace repeated, smug sarcasm dripping from his voice.
"Is mean!" Rocky exclaimed, stomping his foot for emphasis.
Grace barked out a laugh of his own, glasses falling askew as he cocked his head towards him.
"Nah, I'm being super nice, right Si?" he asked, rubbing his knuckles up and down his ribcage to prompt an answer. His fingers brushed against the edge of his gills, and Simon snorted loudly, desperately trying to shove him away.
"NOHOHO! Thihis ihihis cruel ahand unusual punishmehehent!" he cried out defiantly.
"I think I prefer the term funishment!" Grace quipped, tracing along the gill slits ever so gently.
"Ohoho brohohother," he groaned, trying his best to sound annoyed, despite the fact that this was the most he's laughed in years, maybe ever. Deep chuckles gave way to pitchy giggles and breathless snorts as Grace continued tracing his gills. Simon abandoned the idea of fighting him off and chose instead to bury his face in his hand, too embarrassed for Grace or Rocky to look at him directly.
C'mohohon, nohohot there!" he all but begged.
"Okay, then where?" Grace asked smugly, catching a glimpse of the blush rapidly spreading across Simon's face from behind his hand.
"Nohohowhere!"
"Sorry, but that answer's invalid."
"YOU'RE invahahalid!" he argued.
Grace can't help but chuckle, rolling his eyes as Rocky chirped in amusement. "Real mature, guys." Still, he supposed that justice had been served by now, finally deciding to grant him mercy...
Right after this.
"So, how do you feel about raspberries?" he asked casually, slowing his hands to a stop, but still trapping him in a hug.
"What, like the fruit?" Simon asked, confused and panting for breath. "Dunno, never had them. Why?"
"Then I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you've never had this kind either." He didn't give him a chance to ask any follow up questions, burying his face in the crook of Simon's neck, blowing a raspberry over the set of gills there.
The scream Simon let out was loud enough it made Rocky jump, backing away a few steps.
"Simon very loud, statement."
Maybe he was delusional from all the tickling, but Simon swore the bastard was teasing him.
"GRACE, WHAHAT THEHEHE FUCK?"
"Language!" Grace gasped, feigning shock. He pulled Simon's hair off to the side, allowing easy access to the other side of his neck. "Just for that..." he trailed off, letting the audibly large breath he took speak for itself.
"No wait- dohohon't!" anticapatory giggles fall past his lips as he tries one last time to make a break for it.
If Grace didn't know any better, he'd say he wasn't trying very hard to escape. Interesting.
His lips connected with the other side of his neck, blowing against his gills. Another shrill screech fills the air, dissolving into frantic, bubbly giggles as he tries to scrunch his neck.
"Thihihis ihihisn't FAHAHAIR!" Simon whines, finally managing to shove his face away and knocking his glasses off in the process.
Rocky scrambles to catch them, holding them out for Grace to take as his own amused chuckles die off.
"Thanks bud," he reaches for them, only for Rocky to yank them back at the last second. Grace rolls his eyes and tries again, only to fall for the same trick.
"Serves you right," Simon mutters as he catches his breath, a bright smile still lingering.
Grace still had a proud smirk plastered across his face, shrugging sheepishly. "You okay? I didn't go overboard, did I?" he asked, wanting to make sure he didn't push him too far. Simon huffed out a laugh, waving him off.
"Nah, I've dealt with worse. But you are horrible."
Grace snorted out a laugh, "Oh yeah?"
"Yes! I mean, you attacked a poor, defenseless amputee for no reason!" he said, sarcastic amusement evident in his voice.
"Well if you ask me, the amputee had it coming," he taunted. "Besides, you're hardly what I'd call defenseless."
"Whatever. That shit was excessive and you know it."
"You could've asked me to stop at any time," he noted smugly.
"I did!" Simon argued. Didn't he? Surely.
"Mmm, Simon say many things. Did not say stop," Rocky spoke up, earning a playful glare.
"Oh yeah? What do you know."
"Rocky know Simon very ticklish!" He was definitely teasing him now.
Simon let out an embarrassed groan, hiding behind his hand. "I'm never gonna live this down."
Rocky reached through the mesh on his ball to pat his leg comfortingly. "Is okay. Grace still most ticklish human."
"Okay, that's it!" Grace growled playfully. Rocky let out a string of giddy, nervous chirps before rolling down the hall.
Grace jumped up to give chase, but paused in the doorway, looking back at Simon. "So uh, we cool?"
He shook his head fondly, a soft smile tugging at the corners of his lips. "Yeah, we're cool."
Grace smiled in relief, turning to chase after Rocky, but Simon's voice calling out stopped him in his tracks. "But that doesn't mean you're off the hook."
Grace gave a dramatic sigh, "Yeah, I figured."
