This month, we spoke with Ph.D. candidate and Anzaldúing It podcaster Jackie Cáraves. An L.A. native, Jackie talked to us about navigating life and the ivory tower as a QWOC, first-yen college student, and first-gen grad student in the borderlands. She shares her insights on the LGBTQ Latinx Community, impostor syndrome, code-switiching, and QWOC survival. Follow Jackie on IG @getitgirrl and @anzalduingit !
Hey Jackie! Tell us a bit about yourself and your academic journey. What is your field of study and what does your current research focus on?
I grew up in East Hollywood in Los Angeles with a single mother on welfare and two older brothers. My dad left when I was 18 months old and I’ve only seen him a handful of times throughout my life. As a unit, my mom and my older brothers Martin and Rudy are extremely close. We went through a lot together. My brothers really influenced my journey to academia. Martin showed me that it was possible to go to college by attending UC Berkeley after high school. My brother Rudy tried to provide for us by joining a gang, which really made me question why he had to go through that trauma as a necessary part of our racialized poverty. It made me want to understand the systems that put us all in those really difficult situations. When I went to UC Santa Cruz, I was inspired by my feminist studies classes and latino studies classes. In those classes, I learned about intersectionality and about my own family’s experiences in a systemic way. When I read the works of these chicana feminist scholars, I saw myself and I wanted to be just like them. I wanted to create knowledge and bridge academia and community.
I am currently a PhD Candidate in Chicana/o Studies at UCLA. My research focuses on the experiences of Trans and Gender Non Conforming (GNC) Latina/o/xs. My work really aims to highlight the ways in which Trans and GNC Latina/o/xs embody resilience and so my dissertation will mainly focus on family, chosen family, and spirituality as sources of resilience. I was connected to Bamby Salcedo, the president and CEO of Trans Latin@ Coalition, through a friend. After Bamby and I had developed a repoire, Bamby asked me to work in community with Trans Latin@ Coalition to co-produce the first report about health in the Trans Latinx community. Our report, The State of Trans Health, was published by Trans Latin@ Coalition last year and involved surveying 129 members of the Trans Latinx community all over Southern California. Based off of the work that Bamby and I did, I am conducting more in depth interviews with Trans community members about their methods of resilience.
Can you speak to your experiences as a QWOC in academia? You certainly seem to be vocal about attempting to break down the Ivory Tower. What are some obstacles / inequalities / disadvantages you've encountered and how did you deal with them?
For me being a QWOC in academia has come with imposter syndrome. My mom was only able to obtain an elementary school education. I am a first generation college student and a first generation grad student. So, my background only fills me with doubts about whether I can be an academic and a scholar. As I entered the MA and PhD, I became very uncomfortable being in those spaces, often feeling like I didn't belong or that I wasn't supposed to be there because I somehow felt I wasn't qualified to be there. I felt like someone was going to find out I was truly unqualified and kick me out of the program altogether. Even being in a program like Chicana/o Studies where my peers and professors are all People of Color didn't make it easier. Because ultimately academia is still academia and there is a culture of competition and performance that exists.
Academia is isolating, competitive, and based on production. My cohort is the first Chicana/o Studies Cohort at UCLA and I think we are keenly aware that we are the first. Being the first cohort is special because we are really building the culture of our program. We have tried together to build community, mentorship, and support each other. However, building this culture took time, so the first few years were especially difficult. Now, however, I think my main sources of affirmation and validation are my cohort members and my adviser. We are trying to break down, as much as we can, the sense of competitiveness and alienation that academia puts on grad students.
I also want to use academia to do community work. It is really hard to be authentic in a place that is so competitive and so based in what you “produce.” The ways in which I try to break that is through my scholarship and through my teaching.
You focus on Latin American Studies and have been a big advocate for LGBTQ visibility. Can you tell us more about your goals for implementing your studies within the larger LGBTQ Latinx community?
Being in Chicana/o Studies and Latino Studies, I’ve learned a lot about race, class, and even gender. However, there is a dearth of social science literature that focuses on queer Latinx experiences. We see a lot of that scholarship, specifically chicana lesbian feminist scholarship, be relegated to the humanities. My goal is to bridge the literature and center current Latinx struggles. We have a lot of conversations now about intersectionality but a lot of our conversations have only one or two dimensions and we don’t include queer or trans identities in those conversations. They should. Centering the queer and trans community can help us understand heteronormativity, another structure that oppresses all of us. At least that’s what I want to bring to a university and academic setting.
In terms of the larger Latinx community, I want to use the resources of a university and my own social capital to collect information and make it useful for community members who are trying to empower and elevate themselves. For example, when Bamby and I did this study together last year, we knew what kind of data the study would produce because of our lived experiences. But we wanted to show the results in a printed, digestible way for grassroots organizations to bring to funders, politicians, and community organizers.
After listening to your recently launched podcast, "Anzaldúing It," we knew we had to feature you on Not So Ivory Tower. We appreciate you speaking on your experiences as a QWOC in L.A., touching on issues like being a child of immigrants, welfare, toxic relationships, and self-care. Can you tell us more about this project?
Thank you for listening to the podcast! It brings me so much joy to be talking about the podcast and to be in a place where we are now putting together the 10th episode! The idea of a podcast started with a conversation I was having with my best friend, Angelica Becerra. Earlier this year, I brought up the idea of doing a podcast to Angelica. I suggested it to her because we always come together and have these conversations on our own. What we talk about on the podcast is really how we talk to each other in real life and how we heal and bring joy to our lives. We learn a lot from each other and I just wanted to start recording these moments of our lives that have really felt cleansing and soothing for both of us.
In the podcast we talk about our personal lives, academia, and those things that help us get through: spirituality, astrology, our families (both chosen and not) and food! We never thought that we would have so much interest, but we are so happy and excited that people are listening and that people seem to be taking joy in listening. This podcast is a way for us to stay connected to the world, ourselves, and our community. Especially in times like these, I think we need these brief moments of laughter, love, and honesty, almost as a respite from the news. We are super excited about sharing with you!
In one episode, you talk the roles code-switching and accents play in academia. This seemed like a perfect reflection of Gloria Anzaldúa's writings on performing multiple identities to survive. Can you speak more on your experiences with this?
As I’ve mentioned in the podcast, code switching is something that I have had to learn since I was little. As first generation students, child of immigrants, we learn this from a really early age. We switch from English to Spanish whether we are at school or at home. I also was in very white spaces from middle school and onwards and I learned the different borders I had to cross with my language whether it was with friends, teachers, or at home.
In academia I’ve had to learn a new language. I’ve had to try to find an academic voice that still remains true to who I am. I’ve tried to hold on to the way I speak and not assimilate. I try to keep the way that I speak from growing up in the hood and not try to erase where I come from.
Even though we are talking about language, I’ve also “code-switched” with my gender presentation and with my queerness. Code-switching is often about performance of your different identities and for a long time, I performed femininity because I thought that was what was expected of me. I’ve learned to live more authentically in the last 2 years too in my gender presentation. So in that regard I’m trying not to code-switch in my queerness.
What advice would you give a young QWOC just starting out on her academic journey? Are there any strategies, support systems, or tools that you think would help them navigate academic spaces better?
I would say, find those people that you feel safe with, share with them what you’re going through, and know that you’re going to have to be vulnerable. Community, friends, and family are essential for productivity. Also, don’t look for academia to validate you. It is important to remember that you are not a machine and productivity is not the only marker of your worth. Mental health is a real thing! Go to therapy, ground yourself in spirituality, get the support and help you need. It is important to laugh, love, and heal and try your best to remain true to yourself through this process.
