8/22/24
I did talk to my coach about the weirdness about self sabotaging after that dude hit on me.
& I will probably write about it here if ya'll don't mind.
Tw religious trauma
Probably some deep seeded religious trauma there. My parents were nutty granola evangelists.
When I was 16, I kissed my boyfriend.... my dad found out & I was terrorized by home Bible studies, lectures where I was forced to stand in the corner and get yelled at and grounded for a year and a half... until I turned 18.
And my boyfriend was younger, there was nothing happening there. He was a terrible kisser.
But the shame. Good god. I don't know how to absolve myself of the shame. I have been in mostly gay relationships ever since. Normally long ones.... but why do I feel so shitty when people perceive me as pretty?
I need to be able to be In public occasionally without running to a fucking buffet every time I get hit on. Even at my age, it is going to happen occasionally.
Being hit on does not make me anything. But my brain says I am a whore and the lowest being on the planet.
None of that is actually true. I am in a stable gay relationship with a gal I adore. We are celibate.
I am not a cheater & I haven't done anything wrong.
I was just raised by a dude who thought all women were inherently evil whores that were going to chest and lie.
A real misogynistic bastard. My mom was a steadfast, faithful woman. His issues were with his mother and his first girlfriend or something.
But those issues aren't mine.
I deserve a healthy life in a healthy body.
And I will have it, damn it.
