Don't Worry Darling
After getting injured in a battle, Kit is unconscious. He's stuck, looking at himself from the outside, while those he loves interacts with him, not knowing how much he's aware of.
He is very surprised at what he sees.
(Also on AO3!)
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Seeing yourself while outside of your body was, Kit could confirm, an unpleasant experience.
Especially when you're in as poor of a state as Kit was in now.
He doesn't precisely remember how he passed out; a lot of abrupt yelling, and then pain on the side of his head. A flash a white?
And now he's here.
Sitting in a chair beside his unconscious body in the infirmary, suspiciously watching his own chest rise and fall, shallow and quick.
The door creaks open, and Kit's first response is to check the clock.
5:53.
The lack of light through the windows implies that it's morning.
He looks at the door, and raises his eyebrows at Dru, who now slips into the room.
Kit watches her as she walks over to him, and jumps up quickly when he realizes she's going to sit inside of him.
She adjusts herself on the seat and simply looks at the Kit that's actually there.
"Hey," she says softly.
Kit blinks.
"I'm sorry I haven't seen you in a while; things got hectic."
She takes a breath.
The world stills for the moment.
"I don't know what to do, Kit. No one does. Julian is trying to come up with a plan, but... they want to send you away, Kit. Some want to do worse. They say it's too dangerous. They say you're too dangerous.
Jace is saying that sending you away is the worst thing that we could do. We all agree. It's cruel, and the Clave is trying to control your fate when they don't know a thing about you. When they're all idiots who don't know anything- who never knew... I won't let them send you away, Kit. I will not. I just- and Ash is..." Kit silently watches Dru take a deep, shuddering breath, tears had slipped down her face during her bout of rage, and now she seemed exhausted. She puts her head in her hands.
"I don't know about Ash. I'm starting to realize none of us know anything about Ash.
Everyone's ignoring me. It's all happening again. I wish you were awake. You would listen to me. This doesn't count," she added, raising her head. "you can't respond to me, and I don't know if you can even hear me. I-"
"Dru?" A voice comes from down the hall, and Dru snaps her head towards it.
She stands up, and at the last second turns and squeezes Kit's hand, and Kit's struck speechless.
"I won't let them send you away." The hardness in her voice is startling.
And then she's gone, leaving Kit staring after her with wide eyes.
----------------------------------------------------
Kit stews in boredom, blandly looking out the window.
Not many people come to visit him, it seems. After Dru left, Kit tried to follow her, but quickly learned he couldn't leave this room. When he tried, it was as if he had gotten turned around and was walking back into the room; there was no escape.
It's been well over a day, and night cascades over the room.
Now he's staring out the infirmary window, thinking about what Dru had told him.
Movement in the corner of his eyes draw him to the door.
Ash enters the room with barely a whisper of a sound, a blank look on his face.
When he reaches the foot of Kit's bed, he spins on his heel and looks down at him, back perfectly straight, the moonlight painting him in the perfect picture.
Kit wanders over to him to witness his blank look morph into a deep scowl.
They stay there for a long time.
Then, just as abruptly as he enters, Ash stalks from the room.
Kit furrows his brows.
Minutes later, Ash flies past the infirmary window.
----------------------------------------------------
When Jace comes, it's unexpected.
It's the next day, very early in the morning and he seats himself beside Kit.
Kit crosses his legs and waits.
Time ticks by, and Kit thinks this is like Ash's visit, that there will be a daunting silence, that he'll leave without saying anything, but Jace looks more troubled than pissed.
"If you don't wake up soon," he finally says, startling Kit, "I am going to kill you."
He stands and leaves, and Kit yells "bastard!" after him. He can't hear Kit, but serves him right.
----------------------------------------------------
Then, around noon, a flood of people come to check on him.
Julian briefly checks his pulse, as if making sure it's steady.
Emma stares at him hard, as if she were trying to communicate something to him.
Clary blinks at him for a brief few moments, then leaves. Kit wonders if she's seeing Jace there instead of Kit.
That's probably why there's tears in her eyes.
Jem, Tessa. Kit keeps his eyes firmly on the window. If he looks, something inside of him will break forever.
Most of the time, people just... look at him. He hates it.
They stand at the door and gaze at him, unreadable expressions in their eyes. What do they expect of him? He's unconscious. He can't do anything for them now.
Kit, sourly, wonders why he wanted more people to visit him in the first place.
----------------------------------------------------
This routine continues for several days.
Ty never comes to see him.
It's understandable, but it hurts. A dull, constant pain intensified.
Dru had come to see him again, at least once a day, and she was his one window- metaphorically, as there is an actual window in the infirmary- to the world. She's the one who remarks on the happenings beyond the infirmary.
He wishes she would say how long he's been asleep.
If only he could speak to her.
Ash, oddly enough, comes back more frequently than Dru, several times a day, and does the same thing. Stoically stares at Kit and scowls, then storms away.
Jace also comes to see him regularly, though sometimes he's troubled and visibly exhausted, and other times he's completely composed and has a gentle look in his eyes. He never says more than a few sentences, even though Kit knows Jace can never shut up.
Kit's beginning to lose his mind.
----------------------------------------------------
The slightest pattering of paws draws Kit's attention towards the door.
He's shocked to see Irene there. Irene, Ty's pet lynx.
He's even more surprised to see her, without any hesitation, walk over and leap onto his bed, then cautiously sniff his still hands.
Kit slowly moves towards her.
After several moments, she tucks her nose under Kit palm and pushes her head under his hand, and Kit feels her soft fur as if it actually is his hand she was beneath.
Well, it technically was. Right?
Something in Kit melts, and he smiles slightly when Irene is clearly unsatisfied at this lack of a reaction. Sliding her whole body under Kit's motionless hand, she stalks up near Kit's face, beginning to poke his cheek with her nose. Every time she touches his face, she snaps her head back, waiting.
He never moves.
This game continues, until she eventually gets bored and crawls onto Kit's chest, curling into a ball and closing her eyes, purring slightly.
Kit swallows, wondering if he'll ever leave this horrible limbo.
He floats in this moment seemingly forever, when a sharp intake of breath makes Kit snap back into attention.
"Irene," Ty hisses.
Kit stares, stares at the state Ty is in. Oh, my love, he thinks desperately, how could you have fallen so far from grace?
He had only seen Ty like this once- at night, under the stars.
"Tell me." Tell me what you need.
There are deep bags under his eyes, his lip has been bitten to hell, and he seems irritable.
He's absolutely breathtaking.
Irene, who simply lifts her head towards Ty, didn't seem to share Kit's sentiment.
"Irene," Ty says again, his voice whispered, "come here."
Irene begins to clean her paws, still on Kit's chest.
Ty looks at Kit's face- the physically there Kit's face- and presses his lips together, hands opening and closing rapidly.
With visible effort, he steps into the room.
Kit's breath is stuttered, which translates to his actual breathing to go out of control.
Ty quickly makes his way to Kit's cot and strokes Irene, who responds by purring louder, rolling on her back.
Ty bites at his lip, eyes flickering between Kit and Irene, and then he attempts to coax Irene off of Kit.
The attempt, to Kit's surprise, is futile. He grins when Irene looks unamused and hooks her little head on Kit's hip.
Ty's lips form a hard line.
He's murmuring to her, and when she swats at his hand, he sighs, gazes at Kit in a way that makes Kit dizzy.
Ty slumps into the chair next to Kit, looking defeated.
Then Ty abruptly grabs Kit's hand, running his thumb along Kit's still knuckles, quietly talking to himself. Kit's tempted to move closer until Ty reaches for the drawer, rummaging around, then pulling out lotion and absently applying it to Kit's hands.
Kit's throat bobs.
After massaging the lotion into Kit's hands, Ty sandwiches one of them between his own hands, and brings it to his lips.
The soft sound of a kiss brings Kit to the realization that he hasn't been breathing since Ty held his hand.
He'd trade every breath he had left for Ty to have pressed his lips to Kit's hand a moment longer.
Now Ty has his eyes closed, Kit's hand now held against his chest, as if it were a sacred relic left in his keeping.
Or a book.
Ty has a deep respect for books.
"I'm so sorry." The words make the room go quieter, somehow.
Kit's immediate thought is an outraged 'it's not your fault!'. But he doesn't exactly know what Ty's referring to. He stays quiet, even though Ty will never hear him anyways.
"I..." he trails off. He takes a gasping breath. "Please," the word is a whisper in the still night. "Please," he says again, voice wavering "please wake up. I don't want- I can't do this without you. I'll do anything. Anything. I'm sorry, I'm so-"
The opening of the door to the infirmary silences him.
Kit can't look away from Ty.
The infirmary door closes, and Ty tenses, looking behind him with a glare.
"He cannot hear you." The voice is cool. Ash.
Kit blinks out of his daze, and blankly stares at him, and Dru, who followed him in. Ash, his Ash, who managed to force his way into Kit's heart, who is now staring at Ty.
"Ash," Dru says softly, yet scolding.
Ty uses one hand to wipe his face, the other still clutching Kit's limp hand.
"Yes," Kit snapped, knowing it would go unheard, not being able to help it anyway, "I can."
"You don't know that," Ty says softly. He abruptly drops Kit's hand.
It lands on the bed with a soft thud.
Ash, surprise surprise, scowls. It's not the best look for him, admittedly. "Do not touch him if you are going to discard him so easily."
Ty's eyes flash, and he stands up, scooping Irene off of Kit's chest, despite her immediate protests.
"I was just leaving." And he storms out of the room, and Kit is so, so lost.
Kit flushes and turns to Ash, a reprimand on his tongue, but Ash calls out to Ty before he can speak useless words.
"Why did I expect you to do anything else?"
Kit gaps, and Dru looks pained, and a tad enraged.
"Ash."
Ty stops, abrupt, and, in the coldest tone Kit never wants to hear from him again, he says "Do not act as you know anything, anything, Morgenstern. And do not speak to me like that ever again."
And he walks away.
Ash clenches his fist and jaw, and Kit has never seen him so torn up. So improper.
"Ash." Dru, so stressed, so tired, too much for someone her age, sighs. As if this interaction happens frequently.
Kit wants to shrivel up and die at the thought.
"What?" He demands. "I cannot be upset? Look at him!" He gestures wildly to Kit. "He has been here for three weeks and the one person who he would want to visit does so once and then drops his hand! And leaves! He saved us! Why-"
He leaves?
I was the one who left.
Three weeks.
There's a faint ringing noise.
"Stop!" Kit and Dru snap at the same time. Dru continues, "This is one of the worst things that's ever happened to him. If you think he doesn't care then you're blind, Ash Morgenstern. Why? Why are you making this so much worse?"
Ash's eyes are living fire. He stalks from the room without answering.
Dru comes to sit down by Kit, and glowers. They all look exhausted.
"I'm sorry you had to see that." She rasps. "Those two aren't supposed to be around each other right now."
Why? Kit thinks desperately. What's wrong with them?
What happened while he was in here?
"Things are going to get better." She says. "Don't you worry. Just... get better. Please." The last word is broken, and Kit cries in frustration when she leaves.
Kit falls to the ground, and screams. He screams and screams until he's positive someone has to hear him, to know he's there. Someone has to come running, because they have to know. He's here, and he's losing himself.
He collapses on the ground sobbing. This was torture. Torture he could no longer withstand.
He wants to be free. He needs it.
-------------------------------------------------
When he wakes up, he cannot see himself.
He doesn't believe the perspective he has again.
Because now he is awake. Now he's awake and he can't see himself and he's awake he's awake he's awake-
He gasps in agony because oh, oh, there is so much pain now, but he's awake and he needs to get up and he's awake.
And what to do now.
Every event played in his head numerous times, every interaction left him speechless. His heart hurts. Oh, how I wish I could protect you all any other way.
Perhaps there was still something he could do.
"They're planning on sending you away."
But he has control if he leaves now.
Ash's scowl flashes through his mind.
Hopefully this will remove it. The burden he has audaciously become.
"If you don't wake up, I am going to kill you"
Jace may not be the one who gets that pleasure.
"I can't do this without you."
Oh, my love. You will simply have to try.
There wasn't much time regardless.
One thought, as he quietly limps to the window, aware of every little noise around him, echo's through his mind, something that has been with him since that night under the pouring rain.
I was the one who left.
And so he does, one final time.
